my dark night of the soul

[mystical]

i felt i needed to do this topic after reading camilles post .


when i met my sc back in 2009 i had no idea what a twin flame/soul was , me and my ts got really close very quickly ,within a month we was declaring love for one another without even meeting , (this was a first for me) i even shocked myself , but i knew i loved him even after days , each time we spoke i felt this pull in my tummy , i could only tell my friends it was like being pregnant and feeling the child within u pull on the cord , , each time we spoke i got so breathless he literally took my breath away , i would get all hot flushes even from him just saying hello , i always felt sedated each time we chatted , he was like balm to my skin , some days i would be in the middle of changing my whole house around until he would call , before you know it i was curled up on the sofa all snug all relaxed , like a warm blanket had gone round me on a bitter cold night ,once we met things got even more intense , but he was so damaged , my life at that point was good , best it had ever been , , every woman had betrayed him so badly , he was so sensitive , i had to walk on egg shells around him , it was heartbreaking to see him so low , i spent all my days picking him up , only for him to think of sumthing that hurt him and back down he would go , then pushing me away , to cut a long story short he ran from me , too scared believeing that nothing in life is that good , because each time he felt good he knew would come pain , so we split :(


every single day i was haunted , from the moment i would wake up to the momenti went to bed , i couldnt eat , barely slept , cried constantly , ( this wasnt me i never let a man know how i really felt ) always shut off , but he had got under my skin , it felt like he had died , and i was in mourning , i was haunted by his eyes , his smile , each time breaking my heart , i had nevere known happiness or love , but the sun came out when i met him , he was my gift from god for all the traumas i endured , i felt i was stading next to god while with him , now he was gone , why would god do this , everyone i loved had died , everyone who loved me had left me , i was surrounded by horrible people who let me down who i couldnt trust , who was only out for self gain , in that time the closest people to me had betrayed me also , so i was totally alone , my wrists were cut open , (not literally) my heart was fully exposed all battered and trampled on , all the pain from each loved one lost came flooding back , horrible nightmares from my past i NEEDED HIM TO COME BACK because he was the only one to make it stop , losing my little brother was very painful and traumatic , all that pain came back , i felt as though i had part of my brother back because me and my twin met on the anniversary fo his passing i felt he sent him to me , we both lost brothers ,

things got so bad that i became such a mess i was trapped inside my mind , i was in hell , i wanted to getmyself commited , because then i knew i could go within myself , i lost my sanity , i had a tiotal breakdown , wouldnt speak to people even my family or children , i was dead inside ,i was then admitted to hospital , i was assigned a mental health worker ,


while being assessed she asked how i felt , after telling her she said i had post traumatic stress , telling me how my this man groomed me , got me to open up to take my trust , how i had neevr gotten over the deaths of my loved ones or the horrific traumas of my childhood , how i got confused , and linked him with my briother because i didnt wnat to let him go , but somehting wihtin me fought back , SHE WAS WRONG ... because it wasnt liek that , they thought i was blind , how can people feel that feeling in the depths of their soul ? only for it to be wrong ? no i knew what i FELT in the end after a few meetings , she actually said ... i inspired her and how i had alot of wisdom and saw things philosophically , and how it made sense , but .... how i got things mixed up in my head , i wanted to scream , i wanst just in love , he was just like me , scared , fearful of people loving him , i realised then that everything he was doing to me i had done to myself and others , ran from people , pushed them away , the more she told me i was wrong the more i felt that knife inside my heart , that told me no i wasnt wrong , the more i continued with the meetings the worse i felt and more confused i had got , they tried to make me think the way they did , they couldnt understand , noone could , i was totally alone , i suffered panic attacks and felt i was stuck in between two worlds , this world and hell , not belonging in any of them , eventually i gave up the meetings , and now 2 years on , i feel fantatsic , within months of me being diagnosed , my twin got diagnosed too with pts , so i can only imagine what they told him too , that i groomed him , and took his trust hown he wanted to believe me but he is wrong to , its sad .

finding this forum was like a light had gone on , this was why i stopped the meetings , after finding out that everyhting i felt was real , it was a real hallelujah moment . i felt the heavens open up and sing in that moment , i wasnt crazy , what i felt was so real , this was the start of my healing , of waking up , i am fighting back and have found myself , i can only pray that my twin one day wakes up too , and doesnt ignore what he feels , because he will be lost forever , i see now i hadnt had pstd , what i was experiencing was a dark night of the soul , i was ascending , and waking up. some days i lose my faith and when i do i begin to feel like i did but that scares me and it brings me back to my senses , i dont want to be lost and only by losing faith do i get lost .

as much as you think you are crazy this all defies logic , we think can this really be happening ? in this world no , and that it is all an illusion , but this world is an illusion the spirit world is the real world , the world we come from , yet we think we are crazy to even believe in this , the people who walk around eyes still closed are the ones who are living in a crazy world , that isnt real , believe in what you feel and what you KNOW , neevr let another tell you how to feel , everyone feels differently , we are all unique . please dont feel you are crazy that is just logical mind talking , we cannot serve two masters , when we follow our heart and listen we are in the mind of god, you are in in tune with your own spirit xxx xxxx

Originally Posted by mystical

i felt i needed to do this topic after reading camilles post .


when i met my sc back in 2009 i had no idea what a twin flame/soul was , me and my ts got really close very quickly ,within a month we was declaring love for one another without even meeting , (this was a first for me) i even shocked myself , but i knew i loved him even after days , each time we spoke i felt this pull in my tummy , i could only tell my friends it was like being pregnant and feeling the child within u pull on the cord , , each time we spoke i got so breathless he literally took my breath away , i would get all hot flushes even from him just saying hello , i always felt sedated each time we chatted , he was like balm to my skin , some days i would be in the middle of changing my whole house around until he would call , before you know it i was curled up on the sofa all snug all relaxed , like a warm blanket had gone round me on a bitter cold night ,once we met things got even more intense , but he was so damaged , my life at that point was good , best it had ever been , , every woman had betrayed him so badly , he was so sensitive , i had to walk on egg shells around him , it was heartbreaking to see him so low , i spent all my days picking him up , only for him to think of sumthing that hurt him and back down he would go , then pushing me away , to cut a long story short he ran from me , too scared believeing that nothing in life is that good , because each time he felt good he knew would come pain , so we split :(


every single day i was haunted , from the moment i would wake up to the momenti went to bed , i couldnt eat , barely slept , cried constantly , ( this wasnt me i never let a man know how i really felt ) always shut off , but he had got under my skin , it felt like he had died , and i was in mourning , i was haunted by his eyes , his smile , each time breaking my heart , i had nevere known happiness or love , but the sun came out when i met him , he was my gift from god for all the traumas i endured , i felt i was stading next to god while with him , now he was gone , why would god do this , everyone i loved had died , everyone who loved me had left me , i was surrounded by horrible people who let me down who i couldnt trust , who was only out for self gain , in that time the closest people to me had betrayed me also , so i was totally alone , my wrists were cut open , (not literally) my heart was fully exposed all battered and trampled on , all the pain from each loved one lost came flooding back , horrible nightmares from my past i NEEDED HIM TO COME BACK because he was the only one to make it stop , losing my little brother was very painful and traumatic , all that pain came back , i felt as though i had part of my brother back because me and my twin met on the anniversary fo his passing i felt he sent him to me , we both lost brothers ,

things got so bad that i became such a mess i was trapped inside my mind , i was in hell , i wanted to getmyself commited , because then i knew i could go within myself , i lost my sanity , i had a tiotal breakdown , wouldnt speak to people even my family or children , i was dead inside ,i was then admitted to hospital , i was assigned a mental health worker ,


while being assessed she asked how i felt , after telling her she said i had post traumatic stress , telling me how my this man groomed me , got me to open up to take my trust , how i had neevr gotten over the deaths of my loved ones or the horrific traumas of my childhood , how i got confused , and linked him with my briother because i didnt wnat to let him go , but somehting wihtin me fought back , SHE WAS WRONG ... because it wasnt liek that , they thought i was blind , how can people feel that feeling in the depths of their soul ? only for it to be wrong ? no i knew what i FELT in the end after a few meetings , she actually said ... i inspired her and how i had alot of wisdom and saw things philosophically , and how it made sense , but .... how i got things mixed up in my head , i wanted to scream , i wanst just in love , he was just like me , scared , fearful of people loving him , i realised then that everything he was doing to me i had done to myself and others , ran from people , pushed them away , the more she told me i was wrong the more i felt that knife inside my heart , that told me no i wasnt wrong , the more i continued with the meetings the worse i felt and more confused i had got , they tried to make me think the way they did , they couldnt understand , noone could , i was totally alone , i suffered panic attacks and felt i was stuck in between two worlds , this world and hell , not belonging in any of them , eventually i gave up the meetings , and now 2 years on , i feel fantatsic , within months of me being diagnosed , my twin got diagnosed too with pts , so i can only imagine what they told him too , that i groomed him , and took his trust hown he wanted to believe me but he is wrong to , its sad .

finding this forum was like a light had gone on , this was why i stopped the meetings , after finding out that everyhting i felt was real , it was a real hallelujah moment . i felt the heavens open up and sing in that moment , i wasnt crazy , what i felt was so real , this was the start of my healing , of waking up , i am fighting back and have found myself , i can only pray that my twin one day wakes up too , and doesnt ignore what he feels , because he will be lost forever , i see now i hadnt had pstd , what i was experiencing was a dark night of the soul , i was ascending , and waking up. some days i lose my faith and when i do i begin to feel like i did but that scares me and it brings me back to my senses , i dont want to be lost and only by losing faith do i get lost .

as much as you think you are crazy this all defies logic , we think can this really be happening ? in this world no , and that it is all an illusion , but this world is an illusion the spirit world is the real world , the world we come from , yet we think we are crazy to even believe in this , the people who walk around eyes still closed are the ones who are living in a crazy world , that isnt real , believe in what you feel and what you KNOW , neevr let another tell you how to feel , everyone feels differently , we are all unique . please dont feel you are crazy that is just logical mind talking , we cannot serve two masters , when we follow our heart and listen we are in the mind of god, you are in in tune with your own spirit xxx xxxx

Very well said! I completely resonnate with your comments about feeling crazy by this experience and finding peace and relief when you finally find others that are/have gone through the same exact struggle and can't completely UNDERSTAND what you're going through. Till another person actually meets their twin or has at least met a very close soul mate its impossible to convince most people that these types of relationships actually do exist and aren't just some personal hangup that we're going through.

I've feel love for a number of people in my life but I have never felt the connection I did when I first met my twin. It went beyond love and short of having a child I can't think of any other person I could ever unconditionally love at first sight.

[Quest]

Mystical,
what a beautiful post, straight from the heart! Please keep your faith and keep listening to your heart. You are not alone, and we do understand where you are coming from. I think most people who visit this forum have gone through similar trials, especially those of us who have met their twin flames. You are a beautiful, precious soul, and don't let anyone tell you again that you were wrong!
Big hug to you!!!

[Roselove]

thank you very much, i am going through this just now and feeling insane

[mystical]

time does help , but without this forum i probably wouldnt be here , i guess this saved me , since i found this forum i havent seen my sc since, last time i saw him was a week before , this is where i have done my learning each day i log on here and find others going thro the same , some are further along than me , others the same rate and others just beginning , this whole connection gets you to the point where you want to die , the syncs give u hope but then at other times it can seem as tho they are ust out to mess with your head, neevr letyting you move on or forget. i know this forum isnt a support group , but i ask myself why not ? we are all here in life to assist one another , and who better to help those who have a connection but those who are going thro it themselves

[Zoclora]

You are very strong and Im one thoughs people who know how you feel, well sorta. To be honest, I dont know what realationship me and my guide have. It is romanic but is he my TF or SM i have no clue, posably my SM. But I remember when I first saw him, I was scard, still tromatized by alot of things and it just tiped the ice burg for me. But when my mom called the missionarys and the bishup, I cried. I felt like some one just riped my heart out of my chest and choped it up. I lived with that pain, that wait on my chest untill last year. When I was finly able to get in tuch with him I was so happy, more then that. Feelings that many people would say "Undiscribable" becouse, so far in my life, I never loved any one more then him. Its a unique love that no one can come close to.

Befor I made full contact with him, I always felt his presants. I couldnt remember who he was, but deep in me, some where far in me, I felt like I knew him and felt so loved. I didnt tell many becouse the people who I did tell (My family) just told me I needed to make more friends ect. Well, I was never any ones choice. I always felt out of place. I felt like that black sheep who just minded her own bussness but some how wind up in truble. I have to say, my life growing up wasnt the best, but feeling him be side me made me happy, so happy.

Even today when we have some what of a reliable contact, I felt even more connected to him. Many said it was the uncondishonal love. Well maybe thats part, but I feel like there is more to it then just that. Even when Im sad, I smile. I cant ever stop smileing. Even when I feel like killing my mom for making a idiotic mistake, even she notices my anger doesnt last even what seems 5 secs. I dont know my TF, or ever will inthis life, but the sadest I ever been was when I thought they were going to take him away when I was 4, never seeing him agian or when I thought he had died. (I know, spirits cant die espeshly guides. But nightmears be nightmears) When I had that nightmear, I thought I would never stop crying. I dint eat that day, or go out or talked. I just sat there and cryed. But finly thanks to the people on this forum and him for comftering me when I was calm enough for him to get threw to me.

So I dont know what it is like to meet your TF, but I did have very simmler experance and understand what it is like to live with a regret that you wish to take away. And to think, "Hes gone...my love..is gone..." But really, he never left my side.

Thank you for posting this mystical. I totally relate to what you've been through...'tis true that no-one can really truly understand what you feel or what you're going through unless they've experienced the same kind of connection with another soul. This forum I can honestly say has been a lifesaver to me to. I log on every day and find great comfort, support and companionship for our respective experiences. It's not an easy path our souls have chosen sometimes seeming like a curse but at the same time the most beautiful gift of God. I keep reminding myself that the grief I feel is due to our 'necessary' separation and that the love between us keeps us connected in heart and soul until we are reunited again....stay firm in your faith mystical....for me too, I am much better when I believe and have faith than the times when I feel myself waver and plunge into darkness....keep the light of love and faith in sight and all will be well.
loving hugs

[mystical]

ahh bless you , when i was young i sensed spirit alot , my mum in the end got a vicar to coem round and bless me lol , didt work , years later i now work as a clairvoyant medium , but i know how it feels when others dont understand , i always grew up as the odd one out , people mocking and joking about me , really knocks your confidence , but i guess we chose that , just liek you chose your parents all you ahve to do is keep loving and forgiving them xx

[mystical]

Originally Posted by soul whisperer

Thank you for posting this mystical. I totally relate to what you've been through...'tis true that no-one can really truly understand what you feel or what you're going through unless they've experienced the same kind of connection with another soul. This forum I can honestly say has been a lifesaver to me to. I log on every day and find great comfort, support and companionship for our respective experiences. It's not an easy path our souls have chosen sometimes seeming like a curse but at the same time the most beautiful gift of God. I keep reminding myself that the grief I feel is due to our 'necessary' separation and that the love between us keeps us connected in heart and soul until we are reunited again....stay firm in your faith mystical....for me too, I am much better when I believe and have faith than the times when I feel myself waver and plunge into darkness....keep the light of love and faith in sight and all will be well.
loving hugs

i guess this is where we have no choice but to trust , we can neevr fully understand anyone but we are not meant to because the only person we are meant to understand is ourselves , i let people have their opinion now , it use to wind me up when my closest freinds who saw me suffer this connection still think im mad and tell me its time i moved on lolol , just because i speak about him , its "here we go" , their eyes roll lol , or they say , shes off again , when i speak of this connection , it dont bother me now cos i know when i do speak of it i actually get them sitting and thinking hmmm , you do have a point lol

One of the synchronicities of this past year since meeting my sc was that I made a few very close friends who are spiritually minded, empathic and telepathic. This in itself is huge for me because I've never had any really close friends finding it very difficult to open up to others who I just felt were not on the same vibrational wavelength as me (I didn't analyse it as such at the time, just never felt I could truly relate to them). Anyway, these three friends have been extremely supportive and understanding. Nevertheless, they are trying to nudge me out of this connection and to look at others...a fact that makes me realise that as much as they might mean well they are not really grasping the extent of my feelings and connection to this person. I find, however, that although I used to depend on their full understanding of it, i don't really need it anymore because I know what I know and believe what i believe...and my belief and faith only grows stronger as does my connection to my sc....due to our circumstances and respective situations I know realistically that we can't be together in a regular relationship and this is the hardest thing for me to come to terms with...why would God do this? and bring me my sc in such a way that we can't fully express our love in this lifetime? obviously we need to show and give each other our love in whatever way we can, supporting each other in this lifetime.....sigh....