feeling foolish

[FallingLeaves]

usually when I dream of her it is jsut thinking of her, like last time I dreamt of thinking of her while finding a house where we could live together. The house I was looking at was like a haunted house or something, dusty, lots of secret doors and things. I think in the end I didn't buy it... maybe i was thinking, the whole thing was jsut a daydream anyway.

after last nights dream i'm sorta unhappy... I walked into a room and she was there, she had her hair bunned up and was wearing a policeman's uniform. There were others , it was a croweded room. She had her back to me with a tray getting food.

As she passed to leave the room I said 'hi ninny' then immediately felt foolish by the insult and said 'hi mimi'... then I felt foolish and kinda off balance so I went to sit at a table, as I went I turned to look back to see if she had noticed me but she was gone. so I sat at a chair with no table then felt foolish again and about then I got to remembering her name wasn't even mimi... it was something else. So I bounced up and found a chair with a table, but the table was still dirty and needed cleaning. I noticed there was
only the chair without a table and two tables at this end of the room, and the other table was full.

So as the dream ended I was trying to remember her name like crazy but I was in a fog... even after I woke up I had a hard time getting past the name 'mimi'. It took me several minutes to remember her name.

Which is all upsetting because 'mimi' was one of my very first memories... I remember as a child I looked up at the moon and thought 'I love mimi'. And that is all I know of mimi... I know nothing else about her. I don't even remember ever seeing her.

I've always been upset with that memory because it is filled with abandonment. She went into the sky and left me.

Later in life I played the same game, some girl disappeared on me into the sky (my TF as it turns out) Only it was much more intense and involved. At least mimi just left and I never had to think iof her again except in passing. But this girl left me reelin gwith myriad carrot and stick... even today I'm not entirely out of her clutches and it has been close to 30 years.

Either I'm getting precognizant from all the meanness that people heap on me or I'm just scared to death history is going to repeat itself yet again, I can't tell which, but either way I don't have the heart for another round of this game and I'm very unhappy right now. I'm sorta back to wantin to just give up and quit, what is the point of any of my life? Just endless meanness from others and seemingly no respite? But the option to quit was taken from me a very long time ago. Sigh.

Well at least it answers a question I had... after that dream I do NOT want to try to approach her. I guess I gotta try to forget.

[firstandlast]

I must say not all is at it appears--

From your perspective, this is a very valid feeling; I know it quite well-- However, the very fact that these things are present to you; is indeed a communication-- However, the experience you are having; is not necessarily the same experience they are having; and you experience an equilibrium of the best mutual expression between all involved-- The issue is, that sometimes these things that occur, are not of either of you; but of a higher will to bring about greater fruition--

So in some sense, just getting a better understanding; or comprehension is the goal here-- to see it from different perspectives; and this you can only do out of faith of your own love.. that is, if it is destined to happen; there is no avoiding it.. we have freewill, but this doesn't mean exactly what humans make of it-- Our freewill can appear outside of us as if to take away our own freewill-- Such a will happens when it can provide our greater will a better fruition later on--

Think of all the times you have been misunderstood and this caused pain; now imagine that could be going on in your entire reality here in some fashion, but simply in understanding the forms, not the intent of your own heart, which is the truth you have to go on--

I hope some of this helps--

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

the dream held some very promising indicators for you FallingLeaves.
you'd felt foolish at several junctures... at what times do people feel foolish?
when they attempt to do new things that they're unpracticed in, but with a
certain knowledge that their efforts could be performed better (which leaves
room for growth in that direction!). the idea that you've had little or no
practice in a loving, person-to-person relationship seems to be at issue,
and the dream is suggesting that you'll be entering into the energy of that soon.

the bit where you couldn't find a seat at a table is the sticking point just now.
i suppose that you'll need to wait until the table gets set for you.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by H:O:R:A:C:E

the dream held some very promising indicators for you FallingLeaves.
you'd felt foolish at several junctures... at what times do people feel foolish?
when they attempt to do new things that they're unpracticed in, but with a
certain knowledge that their efforts could be performed better (which leaves
room for growth in that direction!). the idea that you've had little or no
practice in a loving, person-to-person relationship seems to be at issue,
and the dream is suggesting that you'll be entering into the energy of that soon.

the bit where you couldn't find a seat at a table is the sticking point just now.
i suppose that you'll need to wait until the table gets set for you.

I wish it could be so, but any time I've tried relating I've gotten doors shut in my face. One time a girl even threw herself at me then rejected me when I responded.

So obviously there is somethin gwrong that either I can't interpret events properly, or I can interpret them and I'm being teased, or whatever. But it hurts, it has always hurt, and I should never have had to deal with any of this let alone with the massive amounts of rejection that have been heaped on me.

I'm wanting to go back and just say no, I'm not going to relate at all. That is what I even FEEL... I don't even care any more that it means I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I just want to not relate and be done with it, so I don't have to keep sitting here with a raw open heart and noone caring.

But you know what? I even tried THAT once, and it turned into the worst experience of my life. I had a HORRIBLE childhood but simply saying no, I'm not going to relate to people who hurt me any more got me an experience to top it. All the rest of the rejection was peanuts compared to what I got for doing THAT.

So I don't see this going anywhere. Sigh.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

in the dream, the setting became a cafeteria of some sort, and you were
looking for an appropriate seat and table. this indicates that you have a
growing hunger for something, and that it's time for that to be satisfied.
whoever was in charge of making the place usable seems to be distracted
or something... maybe you'll need to do some prep work on your own
(or find another restaurant).

i advise you to be open and honest with your feelings as much as possible
(in an "appropriate" manner); with yourself certainly, and with others whom
you encounter (provide them with 'feedback' of when you feel pleased or
displeased). share how you've been let down and see if you can find common
ground with new friends. release expectations for how things ought to be,
and simply experience how things appear to be now -- and share those
perceptions with people. stop planning for things that'll be waaay down the
road, and be a bit more active in the present.
i believe that your dream was telling you that fresh experiences are enroute.
the name confusion you'd had suggests a mislabeling that you'd done...
so relax your judgments and be open for newness. be prepared for feeling
foolish -- it's bound to happen and not something to fret over. just smile
and realize that everyone can relate to having felt foolish at times.

[FallingLeaves]

thank you for being so nice about it... usually at this point I'm getting blamed for my attitudes I dunno, maybe it is different and maybe it isn't, guess like you say I can't tell up front and just have to go about my life and hope for the best...

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

you're welcome.

i figure that it's okay to "withdraw" if that's what you choose to do...
all choices are 'valid'. BUT, don't let "negative thoughts" be your guide.
always move in the direction of your "highest excitement"; our greatest
joys are gonna be found along that path. there may be butterflies in
the stomach when we enter into a new thing, but that doesn't mean
it's a bad experience coming our way (even if it becomes disappointing,
or embarrassing later on). very, very, extremely rarely would we
expect to have that butterflies feeling if we move towards something
boring and uninteresting. i feel it's important to get the heart pumping
from excitement on a regular basis.

[FallingLeaves]

I don't mind being foolish, and I like butterflies, but unfortunately I've grown to associate all that with deep heart-rending rejection. So it is anyone's guess what I'll do sigh.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

from my vantage point, your heart appears strong and resilient.