A difficult/hard question that I've been asking myself lately;

Hello all, I've just been looking back on my life lately and there is this question that keeps nagging me. A question that makes me question my my ownself and my own capacity to be honest with myself.

The question is, at what point does it become "she's (or he for the ladies) just not into me" versus she's running? I'm not speaking specifically about my current situation as I am not to the point of worry yet. However, in the past, I have made the mistake of assuming what the object of my affection felt about me. There have been a few cases (2) where I misread all the signs because I was sooo blinded by what I felt.

The first woman, I just thought if I just treat her well, everything would fall into place because we were both physically attracted to each other. We hung out literally EVERY DAY for 8 months straight from early morning till late at night. There was only one exception to that, I was awake for 3 days straight and I needed sleep badly so I let her use my car while I slept for 18 hours straight (but even then I still paged her (yes, this was that long ago lol). I assumed that since we were around each other so much that her feelings were the same as mine. So I told her how I felt about her and she told me she saw me as a friend only. I was crushed but got over it fairly quickly (less than two weeks I was like "whatever").

I missed the signs telling me that she was not into me that way. The same thing happened again with another woman whom I met while separated from my wife. This woman and I were such great friends. We hung out often (mostly at her house just talking or her riding along with me while I was running errands). Our chemistry (or so I thought) was phenomenal. This woman wasn't even my type physically but her personality just touched me. She is such a beautiful person that I fell in love with her. She is thoughtful, caring, sweet, understanding, compassionate, intuitive of others needs, funny, great conversation, diplomatic, I could go on and on and on. Needless to say, despite her not being my physical type, love feelings for her developed in me. Then I told her I loved her one night.

She cried and said that made her so happy. Then in the next sentence (I could tell she didn't want to hurt my feelings), she told me "my heart is not with anyone right now." Again, I was crushed. I still hung out with her. Then one night at about 3am we were at her dining table just chatting the night away and I had an epiphany. I was soooo blinded by how I felt, I never once asked her along the way what was it that she wanted if anything. I just assumed the feelings were mutual. Turns out they weren't. With all that said, I did not allow myself to assume anymore, therefore I did not, and do not thing she is running.

The only thing that brought me even the slightest bit of solace in both those situations was that somewhere inside me there was something telling me all along that these women were not the right ones for me. With the second woman, I even had wrenching nightmares about being with her being a mistake. Funny thing though, in every one of those nightmares, I would be with the rejection girl and TF (the one from 1988) would be somewhere off to the side just looking at me with this look on her face. The dreams themselves weren't scary, it was what I felt in them that was.

This brings me to current. Where TF and I now stand. Someone posted in another thread, "ask yourself some questions" and I did. I asked myself what was it that scared me the most? The answer was, rejection. Yes, my name is Spring1988 and I am a "fear-of-rejection-aholic" and I am terrified of being rejected by a woman I love, especially this woman. There, I said it.

That brings me to my next thing. Some part of me just has this feeling that this is the one time I will not be rejected. Then my logical mind hops back in and says i'm foolish for even entertaining that notion, especially looking back at my track record of being rejected by women I cared deeply about. What scares me even more is I have never cared for anyone as much as I care about her. The only difference is with this situation is she has literally told me she has feelings for me as well.

Even with that said, sometimes I wonder, even with our nice interaction, what is she feeling inside? I hate assuming! The time is not ripe to ask her though and oddly enough, it is not something that I am pressed to know at this time.

This whole situation had me thinking about that movie, He's Just Not That Into You and its premise versus assuming someone isn't reciprocating because they are just afraid of whats going on inside them. Anyways, thanks for listening/reading you all.

Your thoughts?

at what point does it become "she's (or he for the ladies) just not into me" versus she's running?

I think for all we really know, they can be one and the same. It's about acceptance and putting yourself first (in this context, not general selfishness). It could be that the TF or soul mate or simple crush is scared by the connection and denying it- so what. What they consciously want, what they explicitly express (now there can be contradictions there- so, try discussing these if you have the guts- that's a general "you" not you Spr1988) - well that is what we have to go by. It could be they just like our friendship and no part of them wants more, it could be that they are dying inside to get closer to you but for whatever reason that is their right to have - they don't want to seek more.

Take ANY issue you have with someone, and then try to tell them they don't know what's in their subconscious, what they're not aware of - rubs them the wrong way, right? How do you respond when someone tells you you don't even know what you think and feel? And yet this is at the core of all relationships that support growth, helping each other know and love ourselves; seems it can only be done with mutual trust and great skill and tact (and I've never been accused of that- tho in recent years I've had a few tactful moments)

Originally Posted by Raineco

I think for all we really know, they can be one and the same. It's about acceptance and putting yourself first (in this context, not general selfishness). It could be that the TF or soul mate or simple crush is scared by the connection and denying it- so what. What they consciously want, what they explicitly express (now there can be contradictions there- so, try discussing these if you have the guts- that's a general "you" not you Spr1988) - well that is what we have to go by. It could be they just like our friendship and no part of them wants more, it could be that they are dying inside to get closer to you but for whatever reason that is their right to have - they don't want to seek more.

Take ANY issue you have with someone, and then try to tell them they don't know what's in their subconscious, what they're not aware of - rubs them the wrong way, right? How do you respond when someone tells you you don't even know what you think and feel? And yet this is at the core of all relationships that support growth, helping each other know and love ourselves; seems it can only be done with mutual trust and great skill and tact (and I've never been accused of that- tho in recent years I've had a few tactful moments)

Thank you for your reply! You know, about telling them about what you think they don't know and feel. Its a situation that has ran through my mind but one I don't know if I would act on because I really dislike assuming anymore. If it gets to that point, knowing me, I can be very direct and clear when I need to be and I would probably do it.

[Andromeda27]

To quote "He's just not that into you", TF's are generally not the rule, they are the exception. However, that doesn't mean you should let them walk all over you and treat you with disrespect. It just means the "rules" aren't black and white as they can be in many relationships. You just have to realize the thought process is not the same as a normal relationship. Someone in a karmic relationship may run because they really just aren't that interested, whereas a TF will run because they feel they are TOO interested and it scares them.

But, you should chase neither. The karmic connection will fade, the TF connection will always come back around when they are ready.

[Teal]

We all want to be accepted by whom ever. Especially if they have a tag on them saying tf.I have been open on here about my storey and other stuff. it took me almost 5 years to say to mine hey you blah blah.I had been waiting almost 5 years to get this out and , Fate decided it would be funny for me to do this when I was pregnant(typical teal style i will add.lol)
he was accepting of that at first excited and surprised. I really hadnt figured out what I wanted with this man. I think I just wanted some validation to know I wasnt the only person in this weird tf thing I thought if i get the chance tell him you like him for 5 years and go from there. I never mentioned the words twin flaME or soul mate. we talked around it. I wanted him to come to his own conclusions. He accepted me I told him about the cancer and how I wasn't to have any more kids and then it happened i was pregnant. We talked about how one could undo that and views on that type of thing. He was accepting to take me as I was. I thought wow dude.

He got a little to far ahead of himself and got scared. and rejected the "us" wich is cool with me.


I haven't come face to face with him since that was march. Last text was april when we were in the same place at the same time.An hr away from home. so that was a highlight.

I did get a rush last friday when I went to get the mail and he was yapping at the post master. As far as I know he never saw me. I am glad we haven't come face to face in a while. I will deal with it my own way.


HA Ha

Hmm just had a thought while writing this. He must know about tfs and whatnot. HE Accepted me pregnant. and was willing to accept that and go forth. Fate has been egging us on for 5 years.

You don't accept a crazy red headed woman who is pregnant unless you are her kinda crazy tf.

[Teal]

It is funny to me how we all have come to some realizations while reading and answering some one on this forum. lol

I think you need to ask some questions. find out for sure if it is reciprocated and accept it either way. I honestly believe we have stepping stone "people who resemble a tf or a relationship that resembles a tf relationship.

Your real twin is into you. It's just that some are not ready, and sometimes it's mutual, no matter how you try to twist it around in your head.

These are really good observations, Spring! I think it'd be best for people to stop trying to assume/rationalize the other's motives in this situation. It does us no good whether they are twisting in their seats with yearning and desire they can't express or they simply don't have any feelings towards us at all. Either way, we can't control their actions or decisions, and we can't really know what is in their hearts or minds. So it really is useless to sit and try to analyze and dissect their apparent behavior and feelings in our favor, haha. When they want to reciprocate and they are ready, they'll do so.

Originally Posted by Raineco

Take ANY issue you have with someone, and then try to tell them they don't know what's in their subconscious, what they're not aware of - rubs them the wrong way, right? How do you respond when someone tells you you don't even know what you think and feel?

Wow, yeah, exactly!

And it gets us caught into these cycles of obsessing about the other person's (the runner, of course) real motives for "running." Next we realize we've been spending so much time "diagnosing" them that we forgot to work on ourselves. :)

Originally Posted by Iseke

These are really good observations, Spring! I think it'd be best for people to stop trying to assume/rationalize the other's motives in this situation. It does us no good whether they are twisting in their seats with yearning and desire they can't express or they simply don't have any feelings towards us at all. Either way, we can't control their actions or decisions, and we can't really know what is in their hearts or minds. So it really is useless to sit and try to analyze and dissect their apparent behavior and feelings in our favor, haha. When they want to reciprocate and they are ready, they'll do so.



Wow, yeah, exactly!

And it gets us caught into these cycles of obsessing about the other person's (the runner, of course) real motives for "running." Next we realize we've been spending so much time "diagnosing" them that we forgot to work on ourselves. :)

And this is what I am currently trying to do, work on myself irrespective of her and any expectations I may have of her or rewards I hope to get by evolving. I am trying to separate my own growth from expectations or reward. I am trying to understand that I need to grow regardless of her; that is easier said than done since I've been doing that for so long though!

Same here!

And I'm not gonna lie, I know that there is a particular outcome I'm hoping for. But the personal growth I've done so far and awareness I've come to from all this really is a reward in itself, and that is something to hang on to when there's doubt about everything else. No one can take that growth away!

And even better is that I know my personal growth/awareness is going somewhere exciting, so I look forward to wherever it leads!