Personal boundaries

Originally Posted by Tanemon

This is interesting. I feel very similarly.

One thing I really don't like is when people say they will do something, or even make an explicit promise, and then do not do it. If there's a reasonable extenuating circumstance, then it doesn't bother me. If it's a plain and simple betrayal of trust, then it does.

Yes - to be honest - I've found that I "reclassify" people sometimes. Move them to that center or even outer ring. It's not so formal a process as it might sound!

In any case, it doesn't mean in the long run that I'm not willing to forgive people. But I have found that forgiving may or may not re-establish trust.

Also, I understand that eveyone is on an evolutionary path through this and other lives. So I wish them well in that process. Yet I know only I can manage my own life, so the boundary setting is important.

Hi, Tanemon. I know - humans can be so disappointing, eh? I've let down people often in my younger years - too wrapped up in my own dramas and wants and have made promises I did not keep. When I started on my healing journey, this was one area I really wanted to "clean" up - to practice honouring my word to the best of my ability. Not so I could feel holier-than-thou, but so I could feel at peace with myself.

And yes, the mobility of people's placement in the circle of trust (I keep thinking of Robert DeNiro's character in that movie "Meet the Fockers"). Forgiveness - it's another complex process. I really like that you are aware that although you can forgive someone, that doesn't mean they automatically get access to the inner circle. To me, forgiveness means I let go of the resentment and associated negative feelings and can move ahead without feeling stuck. It does not necessarily include me opening up the inner sanctuary of my heart to that person again, until I know I can feel safe in doing so with them.

And you sound like you embrace similar ideas of forgiveness by understanding that different people are on different places in their own spiritual evolution, which is commendable. We do not need to judge, but we still need to honour our boundaries and keep our own inner sanctuary safe.

Boundaries are something that is upon each person to develop. Indeed, many people struggle to find this within themselves.

It's easy to believe that the real issue is the particular set of folks or a particular set of circumstances. But it really is an archtypal transpersonal dance. When you see it that way it might feel less painful. It's no longer "those selfish, inconsiderate people" or "my own failing", instead it is a dance between parties who have something important to learn.

On a practical level, here's a vid clip "How to Set Boundaries With People Who Want Your Help" that may or may not help with this issue: http://youtu.be/aT6au7W_Sgk

Warmly,
Orca

[Tanemon]

Originally Posted by orca

Boundaries are something that is upon each person to develop. Indeed, many people struggle to find this within themselves.

It's easy to believe that the real issue is the particular set of folks or a particular set of circumstances. But it really is an archtypal transpersonal dance. When you see it that way it might feel less painful. It's no longer "those selfish, inconsiderate people" or "my own failing", instead it is a dance between parties who have something important to learn.

Completely agree with this.

[Belle]

great thread topic!

I have real difficulties with boundaries. I'm going to be careful with my language here - in as much as I let people overstep the boundary and I give away my power.

(note the way I'm taking the responsibility, in this way, I can fix it, if I blame others for stepping over my boundaries then I give away more power).

Each person has an individual role in boundary setting and setting and setting over and over again. I had a friend staying this weekend and it was very troublesome, I sensed her in my space a lot of the time in a way I couldn't determine. We walked, I grounded very very deeply and happily - and - she was outside my space.

I noticed a change in her, she quietened and settled as soon as I had done that. I don't think she was happier, I think she preferred to be in my space but it is not a healthy space for either of us.

It wasn't a nice visit that I had from her, I was constantly popping up boundary after boundary after boundary - but I think I was somewhat ungrounded and that meant that it was easy for her to step into my space, or she may not have sensed where my space started and finished.

[linen53]

Just read something very interesting:

"The difference between setting healthy boundaries and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

That is a profound statement. So, when we are setting healthy boundaries we are supposed to let go of the outcome.? (double punctuation intended) I think I don't do that when I set my boundaries. I think I still hang onto the control. I have to think about this some more. Hmmm.

Oh, forgot to add the source to the statement above: http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

[Tanemon]

Originally Posted by linen53

Just read something very interesting:

"The difference between setting healthy boundaries and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

That is a profound statement.

Well, in setting a boundary and standing firm with it (or even letting it be known to other people), you can't guarantee that the outcome you feel you need will be obtained.

I know that in instances where the practicalities of my everyday life have amply demonstrated that I needed to establish a certain boundary, that's when I've put one in place. (Sometimes my tolerant nature has delayed the process, with unfortunate results for me - offering a further opportunity for 'a lesson'.)

Not sure what the whole scope of the "letting go of the outcome" actually is. I look forward to other people's responses to that.

Here's a tough one... A common example of boundary setting that we hear about in the news is this: a woman has become fearful of abuse (toward herself and/or her children) from her former mate. She sets her boundaries, but the guy will not respect them. Finally, in desperation, she starts a process with police & courts, and gets a legal restraining order placed on the man.

In a case like that, letting go of the outcome might be an impractical idea. Or how do people here see it?

[joyfirst]

I think, when we manipulate, we are sneaky and not open and direct. When we set boundaries, we state our needs, and clearly state the choices and consequences. When I set boundaries, I definitely do not let go of the outcome - but I accept other person's freedom and my own. If boundary is serious one as in abuse or similar, other person's unwillingness to respect it results in termination of the relationship. Love is unconditional, but relationships are conditional. Loving doesn't mean being a doormat. That is fear of being alone or any other fear, but not love.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by joyfirst

I think, when we manipulate, we are sneaky and not open and direct. When we set boundaries, we state our needs, and clearly state the choices and consequences. When I set boundaries, I definitely do not let go of the outcome - but I accept other person's freedom and my own. If boundary is serious one as in abuse or similar, other person's unwillingness to respect it results in termination of the relationship. Love is unconditional, but relationships are conditional. Loving doesn't mean being a doormat. That is fear of being alone or any other fear, but not love.

Agreed, on all points.

And a great thread topic, as well!

Peace & blessings,
7L

[Tanemon]

Originally Posted by joyfirst

I think, when we manipulate, we are sneaky and not open and direct. When we set boundaries, we state our needs, and clearly state the choices and consequences. When I set boundaries, I definitely do not let go of the outcome - but I accept other person's freedom and my own. If boundary is serious one as in abuse or similar, other person's unwillingness to respect it results in termination of the relationship. Love is unconditional, but relationships are conditional. Loving doesn't mean being a doormat. That is fear of being alone or any other fear, but not love.

What would be interesting and valuable to me would be to learn how others have worked with 'boundary setting' as an ongoing process of living and learning. One's perceptions and needs change over time, right?

Also, seems to me that some boundaries may be stated, and some may simply exist for practical purposes in my own mind, guiding my life. Consciously put there, not just an unconscious emotional "shutting down". With the mental-only ones, they're there as a matter of personal clarity. There of course may come a point where I do have to state what a particular boundary is, so that a change in my behavior doesn't remain mysterious to a friend or associate.