Past life stuff preventing me from having relationships

[bluetimetraveler]

I am completely alone in life in many ways. I have only my mother, who happens to be at times my worst enemy. I did the best I could for her, and she does make her own effort in her own way, but the damage was too much. So I moved away from her recently and live in a small place for myself. I only see her for the necessary.

Suffered for almost a decade from an agonizing relationship online that destroyed my life because this man holds so much hatred towards me because of things that went wrong in past lives. Also suffered from the greatest levels of indifference from so called friends, even when I was physically so sick to the point of dying and wanting to die. I was totally abandoned by everyone.

But the spirit of a woman who was my sister in other lifetimes saved me too many times.

Now, I am trying to start a new life in a new job, but the end result is always the same. I come to realize that my karma is so bad from past lives that people force themselves to interact with me (very little, like only the necessary for job reasons) and then, again, people apply the silence treatment forever.

Since 2012 that I do a lot of healing work for myself and others in the astral. For years I thought this would make a difference and that I was, in some way, doing a service. Only to realize I was only undoing too many mistakes in too many lifetimes and integrating deep levels of trauma.

In my natal chart too many planets are retrograde, and my 7th house is totally afflicted with Chiron and other things. The man I loved betrayed me in the worst possible of ways.

I am doing my best to focus on my career and things go right in many ways in the sense that some things flow smoothly...but when it comes to interaction, there is just this huge wall between me and the world. People simply are not interested in me at all even when I do my best to show kindness.

In part I know that my problem is because I was born into a family that never loved me, I only got to know rejection so I seem to only attract that even after years of so much healing and training. Some people are kind to me, but only for the necessary job-related interaction.

I feel in a way stronger at least in the sense that I am no longer dying of disease, as I spent almost 5 years of my life isolated on bed. No one cared. Still no one shows any care at all.

My current contract will last 4 years and there are lots of interesting things to do, which are keeping me alive in a way, but I feel like other than the work I am meant to do physically, I have lost any sense of purpose because for people I seem to be invisible or always placing this wall.

Sometimes I still feel that my only hope is to die and reincarnate in a better life and hopefully in a different family.