Is there a middle-shield-stage?

I've edited, deleted big time as I wrote hell way too much, so my apologies for that.

I think in a romantic relationship I am either on (shield on) or off. What I don't understand is that in a past relationship of mine each time I had my shield off and thought things were good and most likely getting better, that he put me down etc, just to keep me "just there", meaning not thinking too much of myself (or us I guess). So then when I then put my shield on again, he would project anger and irritation. It was nothing but a gain to get rid of him and get myself a new life.

In this marriage of mine I realize too that it is as if each time I think we're good, and I have my shield off, meaning I am then vulnerable in a way but thinking I am safe enough to be that way, the way I think all couples should be in order to rise above, to strenghten their relationship, to have that intimacy (mentally), he goes and does, say something to put me down for no reason. It is as if he too always just want me "just there", at that lower vibration state, because that is where he is at, apparently. It saddens me and it is a mission accomplished. He did it. Bravo. Again. Then he feels when I am disconnecting from him, when I have my shield on again, and reacts on that. Like he don't get he is the one doing it, not fully, and if he does, why keep doing it? We were doing so good - and then bam, again he had to say, do that. I would get it if we were unhappy and he wanted out, but he don't want out. He don't want out! So why keep pushing down your partner instead of viewing yourself as equal and even with a kind of love that she is above? What's wrong with that?

He is trying to improve himself and he has on lots of things and he still want us to continue our relationship, marriage, and I just see these no good set backs for no reason. They should not be here even now. He should have worked past them. He should have had that much impulse control than to allow that to happen.

Anyways, is there a way to keep a sort of shield half back on and off, without me being effected the way I am?

I realize I can not afford emotionally, mentally to have my shield off, thinking ok now we're good because he just goes and hurt me for no good reason, but when it is on completely I am not at all involved in helping to improve our marriage. I understand he is in the middle of his own change and this takes time.