In love with someone since the past 13 years no clue why help me understand

[mayali]

So I fell in love with a classmate when I was only 8 years old. I don't know how or why but kind of at first sight. And I never had a single reason for feeling that way. I barely knew him he didn't even talk to me but I felt so deeply about him that every single night I would pray to God to keep him happy in his life. I even asked God to let him have my share of happiness and let him find love even if I never do. I didn't understand what love is but I just knew I loved him and sadly I also knew we were never meant to be. It felt kind of fated but doomed to fail. He never felt the same way about me and I had come to accept that. It hurt a lot but all I ever wanted was for him to be happy even if that meant he ends up with someone else not me. I kept feeling this way for 6 long years and never once confessed to him or anyone else. After 6 years, he himself asked me out. We dated for a couple months but he treated me like dirt from day one. He emotionally abused me and was very cold towards me. Later I found out he was only with me so he could get his assignments done by me. I also found out he had been cheating on me the whole time so I dumped him and cut him out of my life. But I didn't ever stop caring for him. 8 years have gone by, I haven't seen him in person, I moved to a different country and did not stay in touch with him but even today I feel so strongly about him I can't help it. I've loved other guys since him but nothing came close to how I felt/feel about him. He never believed in love though. He always used to say that there is no such thing as love and that you should just have a good time. He also claimed he wouldn't ever marry. I genuinely have no idea why I feel so strongly about him. Last year in the same months I planned my marriage to a man I now love and it failed. Later I found out my ex (that boy I fell for) found love and got married in the same month that my relationship /wedding failed to happen. Now I am not religious anymore, I am an agnostic but it feels like what I asked for kind of came true? IDK maybe I am just insane and this is all a coincidence.
Some more info if its relevant: He had lost his dad and I could kind of sense that he was sad and needs help. I too grew up without my father. Also I've had a long history of sexual abuse. He did too but I had no idea until after we broke up. He still to this day brags about the teacher he banged but I knew that's wrong and I was super ****ed so I went after that woman, got her food poisoned with someone's help and she ended up in the hospital. I confronted her and she hates me for it.
Edit: he has no idea I loved him for so long and kind of still do. I never confessed.

You've only posted 1 item since you joined. So I'm not sure how serious you are about spiritual pursuit. In this case though, the answer lies within you. You can't expect others to provide meaningful answers. Contemplate, ask what attracted you in the first instance. Ask whether or not you're just being obsessive. Ask why, at your declared age, you seem to have a block on interactions that might lead to possible new relationships.

[Starman]

Originally Posted by mayali

He still to this day brags about the teacher he banged but I knew that's wrong and I was super ****ed so I went after that woman, got her food poisoned with someone's help and she ended up in the hospital. I confronted her and she hates me for it.

You are talking about love at the same time talking about jealousy and how you had someone food poisoned? It sounds to me like you need some professional counseling before you get yourself in real trouble.

Maybe you do not love him at all, maybe it is just infatuation, or it may be purely sexual. He was abusing you and treating you like dirt and you say you love him and don't know how to let go. Sounds like codependency to me, but it would take a professional assessment to be accurate. I don’t believe in getting your diagnosis online.

Those who have been abused often become abusers themselves because that is their conditioning and abuse becomes normal for many of them. But if authorities learned that you intentionally food poisoned someone you may end up in prison. Seek professional help, and if you want to take a spiritual path first learn, and practice, spiritual principles.

God’s Speed in your journey

[mayali]

Originally Posted by Starman

You are talking about love at the same time talking about jealousy and how you had someone food poisoned? It sounds to me like you need some professional counseling before you get yourself in real trouble.

Maybe you do not love him at all, maybe it is just infatuation, or it may be purely sexual. He was abusing you and treating you like dirt and you say you love him and don't know how to let go. Sounds like codependency to me, but it would take a professional assessment to be accurate. I don’t believe in getting your diagnosis online.

Those who have been abused often become abusers themselves because that is their conditioning and abuse becomes normal for many of them. But if authorities learned that you intentionally food poisoned someone you may end up in prison. Seek professional help, and if you want to take a spiritual path first learn, and practice, spiritual principles.

God’s Speed in your journey

That's not jealousy. She was a pedo abusing a kid. I confronted her and called her a pedo. That has nothing to do with jealousy. Was there any other kid in his place I would have done the same. She deserved what she got infact she deserved to die and rot somewhere. I hate that woman because she took avantage of him, ruined him and most likely turned him into the ******* he is. People like her deserve nothing but hatred. This happened in a country where authorities don't give a ****. If they did she would be behind bars not roaming aroumd grooming children, stealing money and performing voodoo on peoole. Had I been obsessed with him I wouldn't have been the one to leave and cut him off. He tried getting back together he was rejected.
And yes I do need help. Infact I got diagnosed with ptsd.

[mayali]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

You've only posted 1 item since you joined. So I'm not sure how serious you are about spiritual pursuit. In this case though, the answer lies within you. You can't expect others to provide meaningful answers. Contemplate, ask what attracted you in the first instance. Ask whether or not you're just being obsessive. Ask why, at your declared age, you seem to have a block on interactions that might lead to possible new relationships.

I used to be an atheist. Now I am agnostic. Interested in learning more about spirituality.

[Starman]

Originally Posted by mayali

That's not jealousy. She was a pedo abusing a kid. I confronted her and called her a pedo. That has nothing to do with jealousy. Was there any other kid in his place I would have done the same. She deserved what she got infact she deserved to die and rot somewhere. I hate that woman because she took avantage of him, ruined him and most likely turned him into the ******* he is. People like her deserve nothing but hatred. This happened in a country where authorities don't give a ****. If they did she would be behind bars not roaming aroumd grooming children, stealing money and performing voodoo on peoole. Had I been obsessed with him I wouldn't have been the one to leave and cut him off. He tried getting back together he was rejected.
And yes I do need help. Infact I got diagnosed with ptsd.

If you are going to learn about spirituality it would be helpful to check your attitude about other people. You could go to prison for intentionally food poisoning someone, but that does not seem to phase you. If she is a pedophile then you should have reported her to the police. You say that you were abused and now you justify abusing someone else. It does not matter what you were diagnosed with, you are still responsible for your actions. You don't go out and try to kill someone because you don't like what they did, you get a lawyer, or call the police, but you don't take the law in your own hands. Seems you don't understand that, and your life will most likely be miserable if you continue with the perspective that you are sharing here. You have a lot of work to do on yourself, as we all do. Do you really think it is spiritual to want to take another person's life? Is that the kind of spirituality you want? You think it is okay to hold on to hate? That hate will hurt you more than it hurts that woman. My best advice to you is to post more here, in other places on this forum, and get more advice from others who are here, maybe they can help you turn things around.

Peace

[Starman]

mayali, I have seen a lot of abuse in this life, and the role that I have played is to offer compassion to the abused, not to go after the abuser. It is jealousy because you say “he still brags about it,” and that seems to upset you. Do you think that this guy is going to go after the person who abused you?

You have built a spiders web where you are stuck. I am a Vietnam War veteran who is also diagnosed with PTSD, combat related. I have seen lots of killing and dying, which I had to come to terms with. The stuff you do to others will eventually come back on you. What goes around comes around.

I have had to work through a lot of stuff, and I am still working through stuff. If a person knows that they were abused the best thing that they can do is to try not to become and abuser themselves. Break the chain of abuse and not pass it on. Everyone has their cross to bear, and there is a lot of help available to assist us in laying down that cross.

I want to encourage you to keep working on yourself. There is a love right inside of you that is greater than any love you can experience here on Earth. What you are going through right now is part of your spiritual journey, and you will realize that once you start to consciously commune with your deeper being. Every experience that we have in life can be used to help us with our own healthy growth and development.

[mayali]

I couldn't have. That wasn't a first world western country where you report to the police and you are done. Statutory rape probably not even a crime where this happened. It's not jealousy in the slightest. I mentioned he brags about it because he doesn't see that as rape. Most guys think they are lucky to get that chance. They don't see it as sexual abuse. I always viewed it as abuse though.
So sorry to hear what you went through. Hopefully I can improve on myself.

[mayali]

Sorry it doesn't work like that where this occured. Not every country is a first world western where you can just call a lawyer and go to the police. Where this happened no one gives a hoot about statutory rape. I've dealt with the police over there, been told that girls like me should die and got threatened with arrest. Why? Because I called the police after an assault by my own parents. Sorry to say but I have zero sympathy for pedos. None
Zilch. Maybe I am coming across as mean but pedos make my blood boil.
But thank you for the reply. I probably should work on myself.

[Starman]

That sort of thing happens in developed countries also. I talked with a woman who was beat up by her husband. Her husband was a police officer, and she called the police on him, when they arrived and saw who it was they did not arrest him, they did not even make up a report. This was in Seattle, Washington, USA.

I can tell you lots of stories about rich people here in the U.S. who got away with things, and then there was this woman here in the U.S. who had sex with her 13-year old student, and that student got her pregnant. She waited until he was eight-teen, and she got out of jail, and then they got married. I have worked with people who were a part of generational sexual abuse, i.e. grandparents had sex with their kids, and their kids had sex with their kids, etc., etc., etc., from one generation to the next until it became normal on that family tree.

As a former social worker I worked with sex offenders at a State prison. I have no sympathy for them either, but I do not think we should kill every pedophile. A large number of pedophiles who were in that particular prison were people who worked in positions of trust; doctors, teachers, lawyers, very educated people who had abused their position of trust. Besides working with sex offenders I have also worked with kids who had been sexually abused, most by their parents or another relative or friend. I am very familiar with this topic.

My former job as a professional social worker also involved me working in child protection. As I have mentioned, I have seen a lot of abuse in my life, but I believe in redemption. The same redemption I feel for you I feel for anyone else, including pedophiles. Now I know that lots of people think pedophiles are the worst, they are evil, etc. but that is not my point of view. I also realize that sex offenders frequently repeat their behavior, and they have to be closely monitored.

I respect you, in spite of the fact that I do not respect you trying to kill someone else. I have known lots of soldiers who have killed people in war, and many of them are haunted by it. I try to separate people from their behavior, like we may tell our children; "I love you but I don't like what you did." this is often said to children. mayali I wish you nothing but God's love, and peace, and progress in your journey.