Having kids - an act of selfishness?

[Really!]

It sounds like you're coming from a place of anger ...
I hope not since parenting is a personal decision & not to be criticized if that be the choice ...
There is so much we learn from having children/family that I truly believe cannot be found from any other source ...
Its give & take both ways ...
Parenting also provides the opportunity to teach as well as give the world good people ...
I had my husband, so I wasn't in need of having to create people to love or love me - they are an extension of our love as well as how we chose to honor God ...
I don't throw all my expectations on my adult kids ...
They have their own lives & expectations of themselves ...
Certainly, I would be disappointed if they were not doing the best they could for themselves, but at the same time, I would try to get him/her on their feet ...
They do behave ungrateful at times, but I'm certain when they have their own children they will learn what it's like ...
And we, in turn, learn about letting go (again) & unconditional love (again) ...

When I became widowed 9yrs ago, I joined a few widow groups & websites. I was astounded at the high numbers of widow/ers who chose not to have children. They were hard for me to relate to much less listen to their regrets of selfishness in not having kids. Many of the younger widow/ers (a few over 50) started a family just as soon as they found someone willing. Whatever made them change their mind is beyond me, but I do know from the pictures & comments posted they were all very happy.

Like I said, it's a personal decision ... ��

[SerpentSun]

Originally Posted by Really!

It sounds like you're coming from a place of anger ...
I hope not since parenting is a personal decision & not to be criticized if that be the choice ...
There is so much we learn from having children/family that I truly believe cannot be found from any other source ...
Its give & take both ways ...
Parenting also provides the opportunity to teach as well as give the world good people ...
I had my husband, so I wasn't in need of having to create people to love or love me - they are an extension of our love as well as how we chose to honor God ...
I don't throw all my expectations on my adult kids ...
They have their own lives & expectations of themselves ...
Certainly, I would be disappointed if they were not doing the best they could for themselves, but at the same time, I would try to get him/her on their feet ...
They do behave ungrateful at times, but I'm certain when they have their own children they will learn what it's like ...
And we, in turn, learn about letting go (again) & unconditional love (again) ...

When I became widowed 9yrs ago, I joined a few widow groups & websites. I was astounded at the high numbers of widow/ers who chose not to have children. They were hard for me to relate to much less listen to their regrets of selfishness in not having kids. Many of the younger widow/ers (a few over 50) started a family just as soon as they found someone willing. Whatever made them change their mind is beyond me, but I do know from the pictures & comments posted they were all very happy.

Like I said, it's a personal decision ... ��

The first explanation that came to mind....Perhaps they wish they had a child with their lovers so they would still have a little piece of them? I know that's the only reason I might ever regret being childfree, although it still wouldn't be worth the trouble for me. They may rush to start a family because they want to preserve their new partner's legacy while they still can.

[Really!]

Uh, no, that is too superficial a judgment to make of the grieving - it's alot deeper than that ...
Due to cancer & other illnesses, a number of them had their husband's sperm or their wive's eggs frozen ...
They had to ask the courts to allow them to be destroyed b/c in some cases the deceased's families objected ...
The people I speak of parented children w/their new wife, husband or companion ...

[Nameless]

Originally Posted by cdoliveira

So I've been thinking about this for a little while now and can't really come up with an answer.

While everyone out there see having kids as a natural, beautiful act, that is going to bring you the "perfect family dream", I see it as a really selfish act.

You are bringing a human being to this world, a being that never asked to be born to begin with, just because you NEED to love someone so badly?
And then when this kid grows, you are going to throw all your expectations and frustrations on this person - that, in the end, is a free and unique being and that has own thoughts and needs.

What do you guys think of this?

to the original poster: I just had to laugh a bit. Sorry, I haven't read through all the posts, but my take on thinking that it might be selfish to have kids is... you're probably glad your parents had you, aren't you?

My advise - enjoy your life and what you have and be the person you really are, and if you want children, have them, if you don't, don't. There is no right or wrong answer

However, I personally know my children are glad that I had them And I am eternally grateful that my parents didn't stop at 5, because I am number 6, and my little sis is number 7.

So it's all in how you look at it --- I'm very appreciative my parents didn't divorce until after number 7!

[Lucky 1]

Originally Posted by SerpentSun

It does sound like interesting reading, though I'm always a little skeptical of anyone who calls the beautiful Paleolithic cultures "savage" haha. The tribal lifestyle is the only human social structure sustainable enough to last millions of years. Every big "enlightened" culture has collapsed, but the "savages" on North Sentinel Island have lived the same way for 50,000 years in harmony with their land. Just food for thought.

I would hardly call those who live a tribal lifestyle savages either......about a year and a half ago I lived worked and hunted with an aboriginal tribe In the African Great Rift Valley for about a month.....these people actually have a fairly complex social structure played out on the village level......

As far as children......I've got two...they were both born when I was young and frankly not ready or even all that fire up about having kids.......when the first one was born ...I was 20 and not even remotely wanting to be a parent. ...but...lets say my passions got the better of me.....also known as thinking with the "little head".

Now I'm I my early 50's and have a deep down desire to be a parent again. ....a desire i never had when i was actaully young and having kids....and now im too old..sigh!

So my two little grandsons who's father died when they were practically babies are the boy's I never had (I had two girls) and I'm enjoy being parent to them tremendously. ......

I guess it just took getting older to enjoy it. ....

[SerpentSun]

Originally Posted by Lucky 1

I would hardly call those who live a tribal lifestyle savages either......about a year and a half ago I lived worked and hunted with an aboriginal tribe In the African Great Rift Valley for about a month.....these people actually have a fairly complex social structure played out on the village level......

As far as children......I've got two...they were both born when I was young and frankly not ready or even all that fire up about having kids.......when the first one was born ...I was 20 and not even remotely wanting to be a parent. ...but...lets say my passions got the better of me.....also known as thinking with the "little head".

Now I'm I my early 50's and have a deep down desire to be a parent again. ....a desire i never had when i was actaully young and having kids....and now im too old..sigh!

So my two little grandsons who's father died when they were practically babies are the boy's I never had (I had two girls) and I'm enjoy being parent to them tremendously. ......

I guess it just took getting older to enjoy it. ....

Oh wow that is absolutely awesome!!!! I've never even been outside Illinois or Missouri, but you got to live alongside the natives of the Motherland! Did you get to visit any of the volcanoes? Sorry if I'm being nosy!

But back to the topic of kids haha. I think maybe the family role makes a difference too; a lot of grandparents and grandchildren get along better than parents and their kids, and I enjoy being an aunt to my kindergartner nephew and new baby niece. Some folks just seem born for different kinship positions. And maybe I'd be more open to having children if it was possible to raise them properly, without internet, public school, or government interference. Just let the forest teach and feed my kids, like the savages!

[Clover]

Originally Posted by Lucky 1

I would hardly call those who live a tribal lifestyle savages either......about a year and a half ago I lived worked and hunted with an aboriginal tribe In the African Great Rift Valley for about a month.....these people actually have a fairly complex social structure played out on the village level......

As far as children......I've got two...they were both born when I was young and frankly not ready or even all that fire up about having kids.......when the first one was born ...I was 20 and not even remotely wanting to be a parent. ...but...lets say my passions got the better of me.....also known as thinking with the "little head".

Now I'm I my early 50's and have a deep down desire to be a parent again. ....a desire i never had when i was actaully young and having kids....and now im too old..sigh!

So my two little grandsons who's father died when they were practically babies are the boy's I never had (I had two girls) and I'm enjoy being parent to them tremendously. ..... .

I guess it just took getting older to enjoy it. ....

How nice, Lucky. Thanks for sharing that. My older sister was very adamant about not having children, and for years. Lately, she and her husband have had a change of heart. People grow and change, and I actually find this common with friends who chose careers first, henceforth the trend in women having children in their 40's even. I really can't imagine making a significant decision as having a child in your twenties, really. Imo,

It's a lot of work no doubt, but, from my perspective being a parent, life would seem pretty dull and boring. Children keep the magic of life alive. I am having the time of my life, really.


As far as judgement, Its pretty simple; if you don't want them, don't have them.

[Really!]

Originally Posted by Leyla

I have two of my own and there are days where I am so frustrated and get upset when they don't listen.

Yup --- along w/diarrhea of the mouth!
The greatest comfort I get is when they're not aware of themselves displaying my idiosyncrasies --
Uh, the ones they so complain about ...
Believe me, as much as I love my kids they are "know it all whiners"!
Can't say anything w/out some kind of drama ...
When do the grow up??? Mine are 21, 22 & 42. The oldest & middle kids are my worst - the youngest is Mr. Mellow ...
Lately, I've been working on a friendship relationship w/them so they understand I'm no longer an ATM or Dear Abby they can go off on when they don't like my suggestions ...
I'm one exhausted Mom ready to stop being strapped to them ...
They were best & sweetest at 12yrs & under ...
I guess that's why God made them to resemble their parents so they wouldn't be killed!

[IntrepidExplorer]

I really want to bring kids into the world, but I don't know why. I've wanted that since I was a child. I'm more bothered about having a child than I am a partner now. I wonder sometimes if having kids is an act of selfishness. I can't answer your question, as I don't know why exactly I want kids so much. I was reading about how people are getting microchipped these days, and I think that's the way the world is going. I'm starting to rethink if I want to bring kids into a world where there is so much corruption and microchipping could become compulsory.

[SerpentSun]

Originally Posted by IntrepidExplorer

I really want to bring kids into the world, but I don't know why. I've wanted that since I was a child. I'm more bothered about having a child than I am a partner now. I wonder sometimes if having kids is an act of selfishness. I can't answer your question, as I don't know why exactly I want kids so much. I was reading about how people are getting microchipped these days, and I think that's the way the world is going. I'm starting to rethink if I want to bring kids into a world where there is so much corruption and microchipping could become compulsory.

Yeah that kind of stuff worries me too. And they wouldn't try to force the microchipping; no, they'd try to promote it as a cool new gadget. Like "You can open your door by just waving your hand! A secure online database of trusted individuals may use their ID number as an electronic key!" I might not be a kid person, but I love my baby niece so much and fear for her in this modern world.