Waiting for Death

[MutedBlue]

I spent most of my life caring for my sick parents. Now they are gone, I am 41, and have no life of my own. I suffer from anxiety and depression and am unable to work and am on disability. All I can think of is seeing my parents again. I am already on medication and seeing doctors. I'd like to think of my parents as spirit guides, but I've been so empty without them. My friends all have full lives of their own, and I feel like I've been left behind. I don't know why I am alive, and don't have many interests other than yoga, meditation, and zumba. I ask God, or Spirit, to help me find my way. I am lost and miserable. I didn't know what else to do but post this. I love this forum and feel safe here. I know this isn't a depression forum, what I'm asking for is if anyone has any spiritual thoughts on what could help me feel something. Thank you

[Emmalevine]

((((((Mutedblue)))))))


I'm sorry for what you're going through. You don't say when your parents passed, but I'm assuming it was quite recent? It is understandable that you feel that life is meaningless as your sense of self and your purpose was involved in caring for your parents for such a long time. As you have a disability and depression too (I empathise with both) it is even harder to find a purpose of your own. But it can be done and it's important to be gentle with yourself right now as you grieve.

You say you like yoga and meditation, can you attend a local group in your area? Or set one up? This will be a great way of making new friends and focus yuor attention on something new and meaningful. Or could you start a college course? It sounds like you need something completely new and different to involve yourself in. I'm very limited but have started a spiritual group in my area and made it my project.

What other interests do you have/ Could you volunteer if health allows, even just to help out a local environmental charity or befrienders scheme?

It is important to take time to grieve for what has been lost. Know this will pass, your parents will stay in your heart, and you will find a new direction, it just takes time.

[MutedBlue]

Thank you (((Starbuck ))). My mom passed in 2002, and my dad passed in 2011. I'm still feeling the losses. My disability isn't physical, it is the depression and anxiety and I get it to a crippling degree even though medication helps to manage it. I've been taking yoga classes for 3 years, and am familiar with some of the other students but haven't made any close connections. I used to volunteer in an office at an elementary school because my friend was assistant principal there, but she is principal now and the stress became too much for me to handle. I went to an orientation to volunteer at an animal shelter, but it is a 90 minutes car ride from my home and I can't afford the gas. I've thought of taking a course, but because of the medication I'm on, the sides effects include impaired memory and concentration. I'm at a loss and looking for a reason to keep trying.

[Miss Hepburn]

Well, unfortunately I have no answers, MB.

While reading everything I thought, " I wonder if she were to study about
the after life if that would help any?"
There are so many books and pdf's that can be downloaded...just an idea.
I thought maybe knowledge of where your parents might be and how much they
are still around loving you might help?
One thing I read more than once is how much they want you to be happy and
not to miss them, esp to the point of suffering.

I dunno just a thought to help you tackle this...knowledge is power and a comfort.

I'm an NDE nut and also transmissions from the Other Side...and boy, does it sound wonderful.

Oh, another thought...taking care of people seems to be something you are suited for...
What if you became a care giver in someone's home...like a companion...so many people are
alone and just need 4 hrs a day or something...you would be a lot less money than an Agency.

Hmm...this could be good....you would be focusing on helping someone rather than what the mind likes to do , which is make us miserable...I hate that part of the mind that does that...Christians call it the devil, others the lower ego self.

[RobinoftheMoor]

You are suffering from a grief disorder which is very difficult to manage by yourself. There are very good trained therapists in this field. I would suggest that you go to a local Hospice and ask for help; they exist to help not only the dying, but the survivors.
As a Hospice volunteer, I have seen this, although not on the scale you are describing. I can assure you that you will not get over these passings, but you can fill them with meaning and integrate them into your life---and if you look at it close enough, that is what they would have wanted you to do: Continue to live a full and happy life yourself.
Peace be with you,
Rob

[MutedBlue]

Miss Hepburn, thank you for your thoughts. I really would like to read more about the afterlife and I think that was a great idea you had. As for caring for elderly people, I have a close friend who has 15 years of nurses's training and she is doing that kind of work independently for all those who need help at a lower cost within my area. She is better suited with her schooling and experience. I am looking for spiritual guidance and inspiration and desperately want to find a path that I am meant for. Unfortunately when you are depressed, spiritual teachings don't sink in like you would need them to.

[MutedBlue]

Thank you Rob, for pointing that out to me. I have been in therapy for years, and I will bring up the issue of having a grief disorder. Maybe she can refer me to someone, or help talk me through it herself.

Dear Muted, You've been a caretaker for your parents many years & that can be very draining. Getting into any caretaking field may further drain you. I know how devastating a serious depression can be.

Pets w/their unconditional love can be wonderful mood-lifters. A positive
metaphysical group meeting weekly would be great. Usually people in those
like-minded groups bond easily & have a optimistic outlook.

Do you live in your parents home or in your own place? Either way I'd sage
the place & sweetgrass it after...& repeat when you feel pulled down by sad
memories. Repaint the room you're in most of the time in an uplifting color.

Get a notebook & write down anything that's positive that day...a friend called, I saw a bluebird, the sun is shining today etc. I've successfully tried
all these things. May your life be blessed with positive experiences!

Hi MutedBlue. While I do not have any direct spiritual advice - I can relate to some of what you have shared. I also lost both parents over the course of a few years and I can only imagine the impact of being their caretaker as well. My sincere condolences and empathy for your loss.

Our parents can be very instrumental in shaping who we are and how we relate to the world in many ways - some are obvious and some are subtle. I think due to this, the healing from the loss of both parents is compounded; not only is there the loss to accept - but also a rediscovery of who we are and how to relate to the world without them. Its like changing the color of the sky from blue to purple polka dots - something which has always been true becomes not true; very disorienting.

I also had a "spiritual disconnect" and my depression & anxiety symptoms (BP Type II) became unmanageable. Each person & loss is unique; what worked or did not work for me may have no use for you. But, that said, I couldn't force it by focusing on the spirit, I did try initially; although practicing acceptance and choice in my perception was key. I lived through it and am changed in many ways by the experience - some I am still discovering. I did discover the spirit never left me, I just couldn't feel it for a time. Now, it is still a source of sadness but it is a sweet sadness where I am grateful I felt a love that would hurt so much to lose - yet, in the eternal nothing is ever lost. (Which, while true, can be hard to see for some & for others it is a source of inspiration & comfort.

On reading your post I was moved to respond because one of the actions I would have taken, had I the ability to think of it, would be to look for either a general grief or an "adult orphan" support group. (It sounds silly, I never even thought of myself as an orphan because I was 26 & 29 when they passed, but when it was mentioned to me I realized that was also part of who I am now that had changed.) It can help to have others who experienced a similar loss to connect with. Being seen and feeling as if your experience is understood and shared is a very powerful healer. I will also say - and this is just my belief & perception - I firmly believe the spiritual is within everything, so whatever you act on will be spiritual in nature.

Support groups of the type I have mentioned can be found through hospitals, hospice and online. (This thought just crossed my mind as I was getting ready to post - I do not know how you feel about pets, but I find being a nurturer, that having a pet to care has helped me.)

I wish you well... the light hath healing in its wings.

[Lynn]

Hello

In life we are given many tests to follow along with some are not easy. Remember always the good that ye have done in life value most that part of ye. It is not easy to care for someone that is not well and harder still if one is close to the person. Know that we do meet up again when its our time to go.

I lost me Dad when I was 25 planning my wedding, I am with me mate but I never got married, I honestly feel his passing kept me from that nightmare of being "owned" by a husband in that "til death do us part" sense. I bless me Dad for his his life lessons to me on that level. I am no 50 and I know well that he is very much with the family I now have.

Depression is a hard thing to be with, what helps most is knowing one is not alone on that path and finding a good support group can really help. There are more and more that are not just a sit around in a circle and talk, but they do things as a group. Maybe that might be something that is out there to find.

For me its never been depression but more finding a place that I fit in....that too is just as much something that can drag someone down. I did not see that I was only surface happy til I got really active again and saw me in the mirror again. Daily to the pool is really helping the whole being. I can't swim but I can tread water....I feel more whole for the activity than I think I ever have.

Active body less active mind has been helping a lot of people.

Lynn