Honestly just need to vent

[gravitysrainbow]

I need to get this out before it just sits inside of me and starts festering... Ugh, I had a bad feeling about going to my parent's for dinner tonight and I should've listened to my gut. My mom gets into these moods where she's really cold towards me and decides that I should be doing such and such with my life, or I'm not trying hard enough. Anyway, dinner was fantastic. Good conversation with family and one friend of the family. I thought I would show my appreciation by clearing the table, doing the dishes. Then I sat back down and the focus came to me and what I'm doing with my life. I hate talking about myself, even if it's good. I hate being the focus.

This time, my mom decides that I should be a nurse - that even though I'm 24, and I dropped out as a college sophomore, I should go back to school for nursing because I'm sooooo good at science and I could make money doing that. I have no interest in money. If I can do something I enjoy for the rest of my life and make enough to have a roof over my head and eat every day, that's fine with me. I'm very low maintenance and if I could, I would become a survivalist amazon woman and live in the woods LOL. Anyway, I proceeded to tell everyone that going back to school wasn't on my agenda anytime soon because I have savings and I've been working on self development and spiritual growth. But of course, that's not good enough...

I need to "put myself out there" and "try harder" and "stop wasting time", etc, etc. It's embarrassing when these things are being said in front of a family friend. It makes me look like a lazy piece of s***. Like, "Oh, so and so's daughter is graduating and so and so's son is getting married, and what are you doing? You're doing nothing."

No... I'm not doing nothing. I'm addressing deeply seated issues that I've repressed and never confronted so that ten years down the line, I don't realize that I'm dysfunctional and have a mental breakdown. That's reasonable enough, right? Plus, I DO put pressure on myself. I put pressure on myself to become more self aware, figure out what my higher self wants, develop intuitive abilities - I consider these things more important than a degree right now. Where do degrees get you in the current state the world is in right now? A lot of people I know can't get the jobs they majored in. They end up working as waitresses or bartenders. I just can't do that, and it's not like I'm totally helpless - I have my own money and I know how to save it for important things.

But of course, this doesn't matter to my mom. Out of two daughters, I'm the black sheep - something "went wrong" with me. My older sister is type A, "can do no wrong", aggressive, has her mind made up. It's taking me longer to figure out what to do with my life. Plus, I've had a lot of past experiences to work through - things I never even told her about, because when I was honest, she ignored it or said I "put it upon myself". There were so many times I had to move out of their house or got kicked out for not being what they considered normal.

I'm not status quo, I'm not perfect. I have to wear a "mask" every time I visit, because when I'm myself and I open up, it merits a look of concern. I have a family of conservative christians and I'm more of a spiritualist. I take a little bit of everything from many faiths - I listen to my heart when it comes to spirituality. I have spirit guides and guardian angels and past lives and this apparently makes me a satanist. Seriously - my mom said that once. And she loves telling me, "I don't believe in that - I believe in Jesus Christ." Okay, Mom... To each his own... Let's be tolerant, right? Nope - I'm a devil worshipper because I have intuition.

Tonight didn't even have to do with my faith, thank God. It was all about putting me down, criticizing my life choices, and belittling the work I've been doing. It's disheartening, because I love my mom. But she's f****** bipolar when it comes to our relationship. I've noticed the cycles within our dynamic. We'll be really really close and great for a few weeks to a month, and then she'll just flip a switch and turn on the bitterness and resentment. She really knows how to break me down, and it reaches a point where I say, "Okay, see you in a few weeks... I can't be around you." And then she comes crawling back and says, "I miss you, I love you - Please come back." It makes me want to cry and scream. I don't understand it. It's not my problem - It's hers. I just don't understand it. It's always been like this - even when I was little. I can't figure it out. She appears so even-keeled around everyone else. She just loses it when it comes to me. And it's ** to say it's because I'm the "baby". I've never felt like that. I always felt ignored as a child because I'm so introverted and my sister was so outgoing.

I don't even know.

First, I'm so sorry you went through this tonight, and have been going through it!

It's wonderful you recognize this is your mom's problem and not your's! My parents did horrible **** to me for years and years, and it took me FOREVER!! to realize and accept it was them and not me, and, really, it was my husband showing it to me, not me realizing it on my own. Actually, I still had trouble believing it, it took him becoming ill and stopping work, and us no longer being able to help my family financially, which we'd always done, that made them completely change toward us, and made me finally get it, so you are way ahead of where I was!!

I had to walk away from my family, permanently, and get my child away from them, because I knew it was never going to end. I hope this doesn't happen with you, and it sounds like you are much more self aware than I was, so hopefully it won't. I didn't have the religious factor, though, and I know that can be quite difficult (I had the nothing I did was ever good enough, and I over excelled at EVERYTHING!!!).

It sounds like you have a very good grip on who you are, know what you want, know where you are going, and what you need in your life to get you there. I've dealt with the repressed issues and dysfunctional everything, and you are def right, you want to deal with them as soon as possible, and not let them build up (I still don't know if I've ever gotten over all the **** my parents did to me and I'm 49, and left home the day I turned 18!). Just keep going the way you're going, let your mom deal with her own issues, and give her as wide a berth as you're comfortable with. You are not the one who needs to follow a different path here.

Oh, and you should let your mom know, I have multiple degrees from a top university, I've never worked a day in the field I studied except teaching at university level for two years while I was a grad/post grad student, and the only thing I could do at this point related to what I studied would be teach, but I'd have to take teaching courses to get current certification for that! And, at the moment, I'm unemployed!

[gravitysrainbow]

Thanks, Kiran. Ughhhh, coming on rant #2 now...

I texted my mom. I used my Grown-up words. I used "I feel" statements. No attacks. I said I needed space. Then she texts me that if I don't want advice from her that I'm "hanging out with the wrong generation". And that as for my spirituality, that's my "private affair" and she's "not going to pretend that it's momentous and awesome" if she doesn't believe that.

We live in the same neighborhood - she's down the street and I'm living in my grandmother's house as a kind of live-in nanny. I keep things in order because my grandmother barely visits (she lives in FL and comes here for hurricane season). Anyway, my mom opened the garage door just now - tried to open the door but it's locked... It's so intrusive. Now I'm going to have to change the pass code. That put me into fight or flight mode just now. I'm trying to take deep breaths, remind myself that she's not going to do anything rash - she's just doing what she can, toeing the line of personal boundaries.

This sounds a lot like my relationship w/my mom...She's a Christian and VERY critical...I love her and I know she loves me, but we basically disagree in every way spiritually and otherwise.

Once when I was wearing an Eye of Horus necklace she told me that it was a symbol of the devil...LOL...She has no IDEA what that symbol really means....and beside that, it could mean any@#$@% thing I chose to ascribe to it! ughhh...That backward Christian attitude REALLY soured me on the idea of there being something greater for a long while. I am glad to say I have moved (way) beyond that now.

Sorry about the rant back, but as soon as read this it struck that cord in me...You're not the only one...You (like I) just have to realize it is her problem and issue she deals with...something she has never personally resolved from childhood or whatever that is coming into play...My mother will NEVER admit that she is wrong....about anything...so I choose to leave her presence alot/bite my tongue/walk away. That is just how it is...I'm so opposite her...laid back...and she soooo dramatic.

There should be a mother-rant thread...lol.

[fennel]

I think it's time to move out of Grandma's place...and I totally give you permission to avoid family dinners. It doesn't sound productive for anybody!

[LadyMay]

When my mum found out about my kundalini she said I was being influenced by the devil and phoned up my uncle who is a church minister, he took it one step further and tried telling me I was possessed by the devil, I eventually lost my cool and shouted into the phone at him and promptly hung up, then went to shout at mum, storm outside and cry my eyes out for ages. After that things were awkward but she stopped believing so much I was being influenced by the devil. Honestly I don't know what she thinks now but things did settle, and we don't talk about it.

[gravitysrainbow]

TesseLated, Lol, there should be a mother rant thread! I do the same thing - I try to bite my tongue and walk away, but when I do that, I'm being "too shy" or "standoffish". You can't win...

Omg, some of the past issues I'm dealing with right now relate to my parents and how f**** up my childhood was! I'm only just starting to scratch the surface. It's a miracle I turned out relatively unscathed.

fennel, agreed. I need to move out of state anyway. This is one of those places that people grow up and never leave and die in - dead end town where everyone knows everyone. I need a fresh start.

Scarlett, that's traumatizing :( sorry you had to go through that. I know how heartbreaking it can be. Something so special gets tainted because others can't wrap their head around what you're open to. I had to convince my mom that I wasn't possessed a couple months ago. Now she thinks I'm either a satanist or that I'm mentally ill. In the past, she's given me packets on bipolar disorder, depression, mania, etc... When in reality, all my unhappiness was circumstantial, because I was going down a path that I didn't want - that someone chose for me. It seems like when I try to figure things out for myself, do things on my own, or if I'm happy and making progress, she has to drag me into this pit of panic. Like, "omg maybe she's right - maybe I am crazy and wasting my time. Maybe I do need to be normal so that everyone can accept me. Maybe I do need to go to therapy and get a life coach like she says."

Not this time ;) I've been keeping track of my progress. I've used my intuition and been correct about so many things that I never would've known without visions and dreams and empathy. I think she's either scared or jealous. Too much drama!

I think we need a parents rant thread, not just mother lol. My dad was worse than my mom, but my mom just sat and watched/let it happen. And I said there isn't a religion prob my fam--I was raised ultra liberal and Hindu, but after my dad died (he was Indian and the Hindu side, tho my mom converted before my she married my dad) my sister became Catholic, then born again Christian (can you be born again if you'd never been Christian to begin with? lol), whatever the guy she was with was, and my mom followed her lead! Then she openly criticized me in front of my son for being 1--too liberal, 2--too strict a vegetarian (when we were raised VERY strict veg), and 3--too strict a Hindu (which we were also raised!). That's a huge part of why I had to walk away from my family, I just couldn't let them undermine me in front of my child. It's one thing to put up with that kind of **** on your own, but in front of your kid, no way!

OK, that was my rant lol.

That said, Gravitysrainbow, if it would be a great hardship for you to move now, I'd get a major lock, change the code and maybe get a VERY loud alarm that would scare the, um, something out of your mom the next time she tries to sneak in. Or a very big, loud dog. Or both lol. If not, and it sounds like you are ready to, I'd move. Quickly. And perhaps at least hint at why.

And everyone else, I'm so sorry parents suck so much!! Hey, I've said for many years, the best thing my parents ever did was teach me, without a doubt, what NOT to do with my son, and I've learned that lesson well, taken it to heart, and practice it every single day!!

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

adulthood is accepting responsibility.
ultimately, none of us are responsible for anything/anyone "outside" of us.
it is, i feel, childish to attempt to control others. (even subtly)
like it or not, this is a world of free-will expression, and we dishonor ourselves
and our choice to exist here if we attempt to hinder the free-will of others.
there are no obligations for any of us to jump through any hoops to please others.
that's my two-cents.

[gravitysrainbow]

Yeah, it's like, you love your parents. They didn't completely screw you up (hopefully lol), but as you get older, you start realizing that you're your own person with your own way of living. If they can't accept that, it's best to realize you won't be seeing eye to eye because they're already set in their way. It's best to just create boundaries, maintain respect, maintain distance when needed, and pray that they don't overstep!

I had a long talk with my cousin tonight about it. We both agreed I live unconventionally (so does she - we're more like sisters than cousins, and way closer). I'm my own person, and my mom's going to have to accept that.

That being said... I really need to change that passcode! Honestly, I have nothing to hide but my spiritual journals. Seriously - my biggest concern is my written thoughts lol. I feel like that's something she would invade my privacy with, though.