Pretty Lost

[Rollclouds]

Hi there,

this is actually my first post but I am so grateful for this forum. I have been on a spiritual journey (actively) on and off for a little over a year. Before this, I considered myself "spiritual" but I rarely ever looked into it other than watching positive youtube videos, psychic things, remote viewing etc. I still am watching positive and spiritual youtube videos as it...for me....is very hard to know exactly where to turn with this to bring more knowledge into my life.

I have even finally recently had a breakthrough with meditation and realized theres more to it than just sitting there paying attention to your breathing and "trying not to think." I don't know what happened but I "saw" a yellow circle with a red dot in the middle and right after that I became unaware and I had been listening to a guided meditation at the time and I "woke" back up at the end when the woman said "I'm so proud of you, you made it through the 20 minute meditation". When I saw the colored dot in my mind, that was maybe 2-5 minutes into the guided meditation. I was not sleeping....can anyone tell me what the yellow dot with the red inside means, symbolizes or was that merely me dreaming? I've never fallen asleep sitting up on the bathtub edge before (that's where I prefer to meditate and by sitting just feels more secure in the bathroom with the door shut to meditate in the dark).

I have so many more questions but one thing at a time. So....yeah....what was that dot within a dot? Also, as child and young teen I used to see ghosts day and night time. I know they say that Sylvia Browne was a conartist? But she really helped me on one montel episode. I had some "ghost" that was really tormenting me at that time I believe I was 14-15? On the talk show, a woman in the audience stood up and said "I see ghosts all the time and they terrify me....how can I make them go away?" Sylvia said to her "just ask God to take them away from your sight". She said it so matter of fact, that in that moment I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and asked the creator to take that away. I am glad that I did however now that I am an adult I really deeply miss being connected and I feel like by asking that I ruined having the "sight" I had.

There IS fear involved for me, in seeing. None of them ever hurt me physically some were even so interesting I wish I got to observe them longer but something in the house I grew up in I truly believe did not want me to exist (hard to explain that but it was like it told me that was its reason for being there and I knew that on some subconscious level)...example it knocked all my dads awards off the wall while I was the only one in the house and I was already in trouble that day for talking back to my dad (he was verbally abusive to me my entire life but now since my mothers passing a little over a year ago...he's someone I consider a friend)...so of course when it yanked all of my dads awards straight off the wall and slammed them on the carpet all face-down I knew whatever it was was trying to once again get me in trouble with my father so I stormed out side...told my parents what I saw happen that I played no part in it and that I wanted them to come see...I still expected my dad to scream at me and maybe even ground me for taking such a rude temper tantrum but my parents just saw the awards on the ground, looked wide eyed at each other and whispered some put the awards back up and went back outside. The only reason I was able to see the awards come off the wall was I heard a LOUD bang right before they flew off the wall and was able to turn around from my chair and witness it all.

There was a much scarier incident where I woke up to my mom standing at the side of my bed the look on her face was filled with so much hate that I knew without a doubt it wasn't actually her and thats when I knew that it hated me whatever it was. That experience was insane and I still to this day cannot find anything on what this was. It didnt move, breath, say anything...it was so close to me that all I could do was make this hushed scream and threw the blankets over my head. I told myself over and over again in my head that I was just dreaming and that once I pull this blanket down that it will be gone....I calmed my breathing, and slowly pulled down the covers; still there. Did the blanket over the head again, knew it wasn't a dream, quickly decided my options...stay here with this thing standing over me or sit up and then run. Issue with option number 2 was this thing was leaning over in my face....so if I sat up....we would hit heads haha. I decided to go for option number two anyhow as I felt like if I stayed it would hurt me somehow. I ran through it...I had to......I felt nothing but whatever I ran through was almost like how if you walk through a spider web and you are fighting to get the cobwebs off your face and eyes? Well this was like that....except it was much like a tv with no station on that grey and black pixelated fuzz? Picture that but colorful.....but not brightly colored...I ran blindly (because I was covered by that static color stuff) into my moms room....of course she was there sleeping, I woke her up told her what happened and begged to sleep in bed with her even though I hadn't asked since I was like 7....she let me of course but said it was just a dream...it wasn't.

Any ideas what that was?????? The yellow red dots thing? and Any ideas how I can get that connection back....maybe with some tips on protection too if I do somehow get that back or should I totally stay away from it? My mom saw things when she was a child too she admitted to me later in life as did my one aunt her sister. I also vividly remember when I was much younger when my mother started wanting to find a religion that fit her beliefs I as a very young child was curious because before she did that I just always assumed like the cat that got hit on the road that it slept forever unaware in the ground. I remember walking around in the grass and I think my mother was inside speaking to a preacher and because that subject of heaven was coming up I thought to myself "where is heaven?" and like startreck stars zooming past your vision that's what I saw in my "minds eye". Anytime as a child when I thought about heaven that's what I would see like a movie screen....I no longer "see" stuff like that...now I just imagine it. Where'd it go?

Okay I rambled enough and I am so sorry for my horrible punctuation skills I do have a bit of a learning disability and I just never grasped proper punctuation the whole way. Thank you so much for reading this...I am sure it wasn't fun. I also hope I was even allowed to post something like this here but I assumed it was possibly the right place to ask these questions. Basically, I am really really seeking help...losing my mother really made me feel lost it doesn't matter that I am almost 35 she was my best friend and my hero and when she left and the way she did I basically went into a deep depression that I still fight every darn day...seeking to get back into spirituality is I feel my only way to keep myself sane among other things.

[Miss Hepburn]

I googled meditation and the golden circle...it's a beautiful thing...never in my life have I seen red
inside or heard of that ...you must like red so that's why, hahaha, I dunno...
keep looking into the center with easy, relaxed wonder and enjoyment....see where it leads...

There were more links.

https://www.ananda.org/meditation/me...how-to-see-it/

[Rollclouds]

thank you I will have to do that!