The different pieces in us & romance

When something goes wrong between me and my luv I have thought in my weak moments that he would have been better of with his ex instead of me or another type, his own type but in female form instead of me. Am I the only one who has had thoughts like this?

He himself has said he used to have bad dreams that he was loosing me to my ex. He saw us once at a gathering, he was there to, and we had been casual friends by then for years since our initial break up. I knew from our history before that I could not fall back in love with him but that I appreciated our history together and wishing him well. I think I had to have and get out of a really bad relationship to maybe appreciate him even more, but not so much so that it would change into a romantic set of feelings. He has said to me when angry that maybe "bad boys" (like he saw the ex) is what I am really into, and that he had not thought that would have been my type. He was to say later too that he thought I had warmth and in my eyes and expression as part of my personality and that he could tell even if this was a bad boy he was watching that he too had warmth. And he said that he has none. That he could tell why we had been compatible once.

I myself would embark on a journey where I have felt never good enough to be my luvs girlfriend,fiance, wife. I know first of all that there were such strong reactions to his good looks (compared to mine?), and that they thought I was joking when I said he was my boyfriend (from a photo), thinking he was a model. He has a lovely way, but one can also tell he don't want people too close and that he won't get too close and I guess that in itself is attractive in a way. I've seen women show all sorts of signals they like him and he don't respond.

Before him I dated a guy who was also thought to be extremely good looking (if he was your type that is) and because we would talk about serious subjects and he had a serious attitude to him I never even brought up the subject that it felt as if I was walking around with a movie star, given the reactions he got. I had to call it off because I saw he had vanity and I guess no wonder he had that but I just could not get pass it, I didn't find it attractive. Soon it was taking over, I saw it in everything he did, every movement and everyone watching. It just got to my head. I can't remember being jealous of him but that it just got under my skin how vain he appeared, I saw it in his eyes. I couldn't shake it off. So without him having done a single thing to I guess deserve it I had to tell him we were off what we now were. I thought for sure he was just going to get the "What ever"-attitude about it and that I would be easily replaced, but it was as if he at first could not get pass it. That I thought had to do with that no one else before could have rejected him? (My own prejudice perhaps, just because of his looks, type?). He was starting to fight me on this, didn't want me to make that decision which I think he called "hasty", among other things. I couldn't understand what his deal was. Now looking back it could have been that yes, a part of him had vanity, but another part of him, perhaps the serious part of him and the way we had been talking, was just as genuine, if not more? Maybe it was a difference on how I treated him (that is before I called things off) than what he was used to?

Because of years of treatment and here and there comments it was starting to get to my head while in the relatioship with my luv that I could never be what he truly wanted. He was complaining about me on stuff where I was seen as more relaxed than he was. At the same time he has said he has never felt as good and relaxed around anyone as he does me (at one point I exclaimed is this your relaxed?!). I know that I was never and will never be a so called A type and I have thought to myself that he is an A type and so is his ex. That it now and then gets under his skin that I am not like them.

[FallingLeaves]

i couldn't answer the question you've posed as I've never had a serious relationship (unless you count this ethereal thing I've got going with my twin lol)

but it seems to me, the important part of a relationship isn't trying to be what you think the other person wants, or your thoughts about inadequacy if you think you aren't, it is just that the two of you are interested in relating to one another for however long you want to do that with each other.

Sometimes that isn't quantifiable except for what you feel like, right now...

but it seems to me, you've both made it clear you have that.

[Izz]

Those moments of weakness are understandable

Remind yourself that you and your luv chose each other and the complementary opposite traits could be to help you both evolve

Im also an A type but more so work related. I do not however push other people esp partner about physical appearances

Btw i sent you PM

[lostsoul13]

If they were always yours set them free and if they come Back

Vanity can be a problem but I’m vain- take pride in my appearance and when I get to choose a avarta from my reincarnations I always go for the symmetry good looking ones, so I know what I’m getting/ it’s harder than said waving your wand and getting into a avarta- so many problems can arise: blind&deaf or even worse short..

I find 60%big the time I’m in a child and have to grow up again..

So while my avartas sent vain my spirit is, probably because I’ve been and remembered being in spirit soul- through my reincarnation: know my vanity isn’t that much of a problem than wanting to be in something comfortable and symmetrical and lord abiding muscular

It’s not hard to work out but I find 80% of the time I grow in to a strong lad..

Never live past 40- never seen me old in my continuum..

If it’s right for you to leave him because he was vain that’s your own decision he probably needs some one that’s vain also/ I find that technically works..

I know my twin flame is as vain as me and my soulmates are vain in keeping a well groomed appearance and grooming well they are always emasculate..

There’s good looking people everywhere these days/ I don’t think there is t a avarta that isn’t GOOD LOOKING- even what’s considering less of symmetry are still beautiful in their own way. But if you got to choose a image or avarta your going to pick something that will last you and put you in stereotype positions…

Popularity and social events, usually without a family- because being a orphan I couldn’t drag my family along with my reincarnations:bi told my mother Saturday (went for coffee) how I’m going to die..

I don’t see my narcissistic or vanity as a problem just attracting the right person who is the same but reincarnation seems to have damaged me further to aloofness and angry on steroids most of the time..

Thank you everyone so much for replying : )

(edited)


I know with him that I had insecurities, fear, that he would listen to his narc parent and think I was not good enough, that I could never understand why I was treated the way I was treated, as if I somehow got in the way of something else, and alongside my luvs silence (allowance) it just got worse and worse.

I think I tried to be an A type person but because a B type person at heart and soul I could not do it. And I just found that it was anxiety connected to trying to be an A type person and it was too high of a price to pay. I did not want to try to be perfect anymore and the goal was always out of reach. I was so tired. I remember I thought I love him the way he is but he don't love me the way I am and I can't keep up, I can't do it anymore, I give up now. The moment I gave him up it was as if my old self embraced me and I became the person I really was, the one who had stood by to watch this painful circus from start to finish.

I think had I been the way he was we would not have gotten to the bottom of what was truly going on with him, his background etc. Then it would just be one perfectionist holding another one's hand, a little like two people with an eating disorder.

In return I feel more myself today and less insecure. I agree to give up yourself in order to be loved by someone you love is too high a price to pay. I had to let go of my insecurity and my fear, but it was sad really that I felt I had to let him go in order to find myself again but I think too it was because he had ignored all the times I had told him we were in trouble before.

We are still different, of course, but I know early on we discovered we had the same type of humor and he got me so fast and me him, so many laughs and giggles along our way. So we got that. We also have that chemistry I want in a partner.

I feel sometimes divided into the old me, and the new (but real) me in the relationship and maybe that is just how it is for now.

I think we have both learned from each other, from one A type to a B type.

[Izz]

I know with him that I had insecurities, fear, that he would listen to his narc parent and think I was not good enough, that I could never understand why I was treated the way I was treated, as if I somehow got in the way of something else, and alongside my luvs silence (allowance) it just got worse and worse

Sorry again to hear this

As you said about the grey rock method - perhaps at some point it became a learned survival mode tactic for your luv and he is still in process of breaking away from it all

A toxic energy vampire parent would make even the most simple miniscule things about itself even if it meant bulldozing and downgrading others

I think we have both learned from each other, from one A type to a B type

Yes growth with the complementary differences is what often makes soulmates. Despite the challenges and the triggers provoked

Thank you so Izz, yes he had that tactic and only that and it had worked for him for years only he was in his own bubble and did no communication to me what I was getting myself involved with or that there were 10 000 invisible rules if not more if one wanted to survive under his parent's roof. I noticed straight away he was so different from who he was when he was with me or us. Thats why I have said to him more than once "Who are you?".

I know now that children to narcs can develop a deep sense of insecurity and are so well at adapting where ever they go that they loose touch with what they think and what they feel and they don't take up much space. I noticed til this day even if he is just lovely (and he truly is - he's so lovely) that he wants to be "correct" at all times (or most of the time).

I have never been afraid to make a fool of myself and joke around and just today I noticed when we were out and I made a joke (on my own expense) that he can go and hush me because he see some other people nearby. This happens now and then. He is all for having fun, but it is as if his system alert more if other people are around and that they should not think we are crazy. I don't care if someone think I am crazy, let them think that then, I know they won't think that, they will get that I'm just messing with him or someone else, and I don't care, I love kidding around witha child for instance. Life is too short. But such "little things" shows me that I am more relaxed than he is and I don't care. He knows since early age the narc could at any moment point the finger at him and make fun of him without any kind of sensitivity, so I think he has learned to be "perfect". Because he gets like that I don't push the envelope and stop around that time. It is as if I can tell he wants to have fun, but at the same time he don't want to loose his "cool", I've never been "cool" to begin with so what is there left for me to loose?

With me he talks a lot, he has strong opinions, he makes plans - he is just so different than when he is around the narc. He laughs. He expresses feelings. He shows physical tenderness. He jokes around. Just so different. So different.

I think way before when the narc made me aware of my insecurity that I also did not think my luv would be strong enough to be pulled in two opposite directions and I think I feared I would loose him then, that was also why I chose to take the punches, not only to protect him but because even if it is awful thing to admit that I feared he would not be mature enough or strong enough at that point to handle it well without being ripped into. I may have also underestimated his love for me and maybe that had to do with that I did not think I deserved so much love? I did not want him to be in pain, but i was in pain but I know I thought for years that I could take that pain because I thought it would be less than if he got it instead. We live and learn. I basically threw myself under the bus and I should not have done that. I got run down and he did not understand how serious it was til it was too late. I also think I tried to hide from him just how unhappy I was. He did not make it easy for me either.

I'm happy for his own sake, and I said that to him before, no matter what happens with us, that him learning about narcissism and what he and his family has been through because of it, how it has molded him, and what he can do with it now - that he can stand up now, in a way than before, will only benefit him from now on in life. I wasn't there to crush him and seek revenge, I was trying to wake him up, and wanting him to be built stronger, as a dad too, to stand up. I knew he had it in him but he had to choose it himself. That I couldn't do for him. Sorry I write so much

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Thank you so Izz, yes he had that tactic and only that and it had worked for him for years only he was in his own bubble and did no communication to me what I was getting myself involved with or that there were 10 000 invisible rules if not more if one wanted to survive under his parent's roof. I noticed straight away he was so different from who he was when he was with me or us. Thats why I have said to him more than once "Who are you

I'm very sorry to hear that, asearcher

An energy vampire in general likes to use 10 000 invisible rules and even more, and based on the vampire's moods could even belittle ones for obeying certain rules it set. Why? Because its sick, that's all

What you mentioned remind me of an energy vampire's general way of trying to recruit and triangulate

May I ask, if it's not intrusive, does that energy vampire seem to also resent you for not joining it in minimizing the scapegoat sibling? An energy vampire of that kind likes to recruit albeit in very very very very very very very very very very very subtle ways and get agitated when others are not as petty to join it in minimizing or overlooking someone

I understand you were frustrated that your luv didn't give you a warning about what you were getting into and instead held on to that learned survival mode grey rock behavior

As I said before - for him he needs to mentally detach from that family dysfunction and also allow grounding, balance in life from influences outside of his family origin. He needs be responsible towards you in this relationship

Yes I know what you mean that he is more emotionally expressive around you than the energy vampire. Energy vampires are sick and resent when even others' emotional range are not "up to their expectations." They're mad when others don't join them in some weird pettiness or bullying

And yes what you said about him learning about narcissism and being able to stand up now is on point

Thanks for articulating. Replied your PM

Thank you for your compassion Izz :) Well I recognize everything you write about this actually. There is nothing new. I wish there was - but just as you wrote, yes, the narc is trying to recruit.

I read somewhere and also been told that narcs (perhaps even psychopaths ) that they pick you because you have a vulnerability in some shape and form that you then need to work on. All I can say for the narc in my luv's family is that everyone then have a vulnerability. Because the narc does different types of tactics on everyone, and I've seen it work a room. There is not a single person who escapes from this. If it favorites one, but even the favorite one is under tactic-abuse/manipulation. So as far as that narc is concerned I'm not gonna go by those words. I don't know how it is for others out there, and I can also imagine one wants some self-blame as well thinking well then it is in my power, then I can do something about that. Bottom line is I think we all have vulnerabilities and we have it not because we have not worked something through but because we are human beings and it is natural to be afraid at times, it is a natural feeling, had we not had fear we would not have survived - we would have been done and forgotten about a long time ago. However educate oneself about this, educate the population, educate the people - everyone, including the narc even if it don't think so, will then benefit from the knowing and how to deal with it, because this is nothing short but a personality disorder, brain damage that is causing this person to behave like this. I'm not after starting a war with the narc, as turned out by now I seem to be able to handle it in a way I did not know how to do before (my own emotions too blocking me perhaps from feeling that).

But yes what stood out the most of all the important things you wrote is the recruit - so true. Always recruiting I say. But I won't take a bite of the apple and there for I am not one of it's soldier and I am there for not vulnerable in the same manner of those who does. But I feel for those who does too. Just a great bunch of quick tactics and manipulation, through and through. The only way the narc knows how to relate to other people. It is like this tiny child/damaged child in a full grown body and it can do a lot of damage and has. If I put myself aside when I am around the narc and I go by my tactics against the narc tactics it goes well, the narc is in a seemingly good mood, nobody's dignity is taken from them, and you can sort of keep it at that level - fine. One can only do it for so long though, then one needs a break, but still. I believe from what I have been told (not just by one source) that this narc in particular had a narc itself as a parent, I've been told some sick stuff and my luv knows this other parent and the stories he told me is just so off the walls. And it is the usual bit maybe that the other parent is very passive (for various reasons) and so it is allowing that sick stuff to happen to the child and then the damage is formed in the brain (I feel like crying now) and it stays like that. I have thought to myself who would you have been if this had not happened to you? one time when I looked at the narc. and it is sad to think about. Because I think that someone would have been a wonderful person, but now it is someone who at first was a victim (got very much recruited if we put it that way) and then just like this sleeping-soldier leaves on the legacy of the abuser before itself. But I hope we can stop it and I hope maybe someday when we are all gone from this earth maybe the sleeping-soldier will say good job, you guys did not let all that stuff go into yet another generation. And I hope this family will have a bright future despite of it's grim past. But then you have to put light on it. :)

This has without a doubt been a painful chapter in my life but that is all it is, just a chapter, there is a beginning to this chapter and an end, that is how I try to think of it. This is something that has happened to me, it isn't me. I chose what is me.

I do still at times struggle with the old me thought that insecure one who at times think if he had not made the choice he made perhaps he would have been destined to be with someone else and that someone else he would be more comfortable with because that one would be a type A and with a type A he would not have to concern himself with the pain he had to struggle with and that his parent is a narc etc. He would just keep on living on the surface the way I think he has wanted it before and maybe a part of him still does. There are times when I think it shouldn't be this hard and then there are times I think it shouldn't be so light, hi hi, so I am sorry sometimes when I try to describe this relationship that I give a lot of opposite things in it and I guess they are all true.

Now when I read back my own words I see what I wrote myself that "had he not made the choice he made", so he did choice me, but then I think he did not really know me back then and he must have thought I was a type A back then. But just yesterday evening he asked me "You love me still?" and I said yes and he said "Good". So I have to remind myself we keep on choosing each other, not just back then, but now and perhaps have more faith in that?

[Izz]

But I hope we can stop it and I hope maybe someday when we are all gone from this earth maybe the sleeping-soldier will say good job, you guys did not let all that stuff go into yet another generation

Yes

The saying / mantra "the cycle stops with me"

A narc I know tried to recruit a few relatives in minimization of me (in a really really really really really really really really really subtle manner) but didn't work as they had a stronger mind

I think it upset the narc that others do not share this narc's worldview of which it would mean some fixated minimization or overlooking of me. Sick right? Nevertheless what she tried to do didn't work

Where there is darkness, there is also light