Someone else noticed someone who wants to take over old role in a family?

I have noticed in a narc-family that where someone older generation is getting ready to put everything on the shelf here comes a family member of the younger generation ready to take over the older one's old role. The enablers are well, enabling this. Don't listen to me. I keep enough distance not to be pulled into anything. Could this be because the enablers have yet not learned their lesson and so this will continue? Only reflecting.

[Izz]

Yes, the enablers tend to be doomed that way if they choose to not break away from - what I would call the "karmic lessons." This is why the scapegoats who learnt and want to do something about said karmic lessons would be able to detach and strategize ahead of time in comparison

I had shared before in a previous thread why I prefer the term "karmic lessons" to "curses"

[Justin Passing]

A lot of people are attracted to power. They want it, think they can have it, and grab for it. Sad really. You'd think they'd see the cost, but they always think it won't apply to them and/or it doesn't matter. Very sad. None of them have good lives. None of them enjoy themselves. I wouldn't even call what they're doing living. Not really. Very sad.

Yes, I agree with you both, and they create drama out of nothing. I have read that narc-families can some of them become narcs themselves, other draw narcs to them as partners, friends as it is home to them. I can't say I suspect that someone being a narc but I do know it is someone selfish and a favorite of the narc so it think it can get away with any kind of bad behavior because of the "protection" of the narc, as the enablers has put up with the narc as well, no reason why not enabling this one too. I who thought it was more than enough with one person creating drama out of nothing. I feel for the enablers as this person is giving them much grief and they don't seem to be aware that they have given away their power (to someone like that). It has never tried to be like that with me because early on I have demonstrated that it won't work (feel as if I have gone into full training before, ha ha. At least it has been helpful). It has some serious problems with boundaries. Right now I can only give the enablers an alternative and hopefully one day they will see the cost is too high when one gives away one's own power. I do care for them all.

[lostsoul13]

~ as I do understand it, it great someone wants to take over the roll of the older person that’s just the circle of life—-

Not sure about the narcissistic- as far as my children go, they will follow me in narcissism—- life gives you lemons make lemonade??

Not sure if it’s my BPD- but I’m definitely narcissistic: just hadn’t had the right circumstances to manifest it properly but at a soul level I’m aloof and some of it resonates with me and my disorder.. although I’ve been diagnosed schizophrenia…

The talking doesn’t help* it challenges my authority and plays on my sensitive side and lack of authority but that’s just because reincarnation is out of my control..

I doubt my twin flame would take over the children but helping I can see that happening as not to interfere with our relationship- it is the most important one.. a twin flame is for life..

So much has manifested I can keep up~

[Izz]

The problem with narcissists that it is neither about just drama nor only about power, it goes way beyond just that - so much of these shadows as I experienced and observed in the past too

I have preferred concurrently the term "karmic lessons" to "curses" because my two cents is that, "curses" imply (albeit very indirectly) some form of enabling - when actually, enablers if they had given in to learning the lessons that life presented them, they could also learn not to repeat the behaviors (albeit might take longer compared to the scapegoats who had seen through the dysfunctions earlier)

I don't really have as much pity for enablers who choose not to learn the lessons and repeat behaviors. The factors of free will and choice are at play, there are individuals who just refuse to accept that - however accountability is not something that's nice and sweet for people to accept. No one is above accountability and responsibility. It takes a lot of inner work to get there

Lostsoul13 - I agree with you that I would normally think it is beautiful when a younger generation takes off where the older generation left behind, if that is, good things that will then continue to live on.

Izz - I understand what you're telling me. The enablers I am feeling empathy for in this situation/s are the ones who again and again suffer the most and try to solve things let's say 80% of it while the selfish person only does 20% but somehow make it all about it being the victim. I can only give them my perspective.

I have seen this pattern again and again in other families too. Often one of the partners is "the ruler" and the other one is "too kind", feel more of a responsibility, so much so it takes over "the ruler"'s responsibility to solve issues it has not even been part of creating, it is the ruler that has done that. But they try so hard. I remember how I used to be. I would also be seen as "too kind" but really it was not kindness. It is not kindness when you give up more of yourself when the other person is not and the other person is in the habit of taking that for granted. I would be too harsh on myself too. I would feel as if I had failed. I had not failed. Perhaps all this came my way for me to realize that the same strong instinct and mannerism I had in protecting others I owe it to myself to also protect myself. I don't think I had even heard the word self-love or self-respect before. I was always more oh, i'm gonna find a solution to this, so then I would work 80%, give 80% of myself to find that solution - but the other one only 20%. Today I am different. I was not aware even that I was doing all this. That I had given up my own power. I only felt my own power - when it came to protect others, I've always been this way. Ever since I was a child, the transformation came instantly, I would get in all sorts of trouble because I would protect someone else. I could feel the strength in me, I could sense the unfairness. But when it came to me - I did not have it. I guess I thought I wasn't worth protecting myself in a way? But then there were those moments, those moments when it is ENOUGH: How I love that word enough. And you know in your gut when that moments has come, and then there is no turning back. And How I only wish these enablers in this case, would get that feeling: Enough is Enough. And take back their powers that only belong to themselves. Or else they will allow this narc-trait to breath on and do further damage and it is in such a case a very sad thing to watch, and I will have no part in it and won't let us be dragged into it. I'm protecting my family from it and myself too, this time. As long as they want to play it like that - they will continue to suffer the most but I am guessing sadly they have not yet suffered enough. I am hoping the day will come soon when they feel that enough is enough. Then it is Game Over for the narc and it's little heir trone. I am also afraid that day will not come but now at least I know I can't do anything else. It is their choice to make.

God, sorry I am back, it just hit me - that one enablers is not standing up for the other enabler. Confusing I know. So that enabler is making an already tough situation for the other enabler even tougher (more suffering).

Thank you everyone

[Justin Passing]

I too find watching people suffering hard to handle. It seems unnecessary and I want them to stop hurting. But each of us has to walk our own path. Make our own choices. We can influence each other but in the end each of us has to choose for ourselves. Forcing others to choose the way you want them to is, essentially, how this "problem" was created in the first place. Control. Nasty stuff.

Sadly, you can only get so far from these people. As I understand it they're basically family, and those ties aren't going away. All you can do is refuse to "play the game" and keep your distance. And sure, use your influence to improve things if you can, but realize they probably won't change. Counting on/waiting for people to change is a recipe for disappointment and pain. It's their path. They have to walk it. You, however, don't have to walk it with them.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by Justin Passing

..you can do is refuse to "play the game" and keep your distance.

Yes, refusing to play the game is one. Accurate and on point