Meaning of trauma and healing

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

I'm so glad that you are making meaningful connections with other people. To me, this is still a difficult task.

I think as long as there are people, groups of people, there will be politics, because underlying politics is a battle for power, and we have the battle because different people have different degrees of disempowerment.

Yeah, there are workaholics, and things become really fun when they are your boss. Have you heard about the theory of soul age? I think workaholics have a younger soul age.

I also have problems with evaluation of my job performance. Actually, what I have the most difficulty is to "work!" I don't want to work. >_<! I am not sure if I can get around that.

I'll be focused and successful at job for about a year but then I can't focus no matter how hard I try. I'll even come in on weekends to try to get more work done. I beat myself up over it because I feel like a failure. Then I get let go. It has to do with trauma. Lots of people with trauma have problems focusing I've learned. In college I used to have to study in 15 minute chunks. Now that I've had so much trauma all my adult life it's even harder. But the yoga and therapy seems to be helping.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I'll be focused and successful at job for about a year but then I can't focus no matter how hard I try. I'll even come in on weekends to try to get more work done. I beat myself up over it because I feel like a failure. Then I get let go. It has to do with trauma. Lots of people with trauma have problems focusing I've learned. In college I used to have to study in 15 minute chunks. Now that I've had so much trauma all my adult life it's even harder. But the yoga and therapy seems to be helping.

Hmm ... your comment is very informative! I did not associate "not focusing" with trauma. I know a lot of people around me who cannot focus. It is particularly painful for me to deal with colleagues who cannot focus on the matter that I am discussing. I tell them about A, they go on and on about B, C, D, ..., and sometimes I want to just wring their neck, but of course that is not possible. So what is supposed to be a 15 minutes job would take 15 days, requiring an exaggerated amount of people, while still not getting it right. It's like using a forklift to lift a piece of paper. I would get so **triggered** by all the fuss. My style is to make things as simple as possible, while some people's style is to make things as complicated as possible.

This has been very difficult for me to heal, and most of the time I ended up avoiding the situations or keeping quiet, because if I were to speak up, I would explode.

With respect to learning, I also have a lot of frustrations. In university, I remembered having to read a 20-page chapter backward, from the last page to the first page. If I just read it in the normal order, my mind would drift before I finish the first page.

I still have reading problem now, and I have been trying to figure out why I cannot focus on the meanings of the words on paper.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

Hmm ... your comment is very informative! I did not associate "not focusing" with trauma. I know a lot of people around me who cannot focus. It is particularly painful for me to deal with colleagues who cannot focus on the matter that I am discussing. I tell them about A, they go on and on about B, C, D, ..., and sometimes I want to just wring their neck, but of course that is not possible. So what is supposed to be a 15 minutes job would take 15 days, requiring an exaggerated amount of people, while still not getting it right. It's like using a forklift to lift a piece of paper. I would get so **triggered** by all the fuss. My style is to make things as simple as possible, while some people's style is to make things as complicated as possible.

This has been very difficult for me to heal, and most of the time I ended up avoiding the situations or keeping quiet, because if I were to speak up, I would explode.

With respect to learning, I also have a lot of frustrations. In university, I remembered having to read a 20-page chapter backward, from the last page to the first page. If I just read it in the normal order, my mind would drift before I finish the first page.

I still have reading problem now, and I have been trying to figure out why I cannot focus on the meanings of the words on paper.

Complex PTSD is misdiagnosed as an attention disorder all the time. People are just now starting to understand trauma and it's effects. But change isn't easy. As more therapists get informed and start helping clients with the real issue, it will become more well-known. Same with addiction. I like listening to Gabor Mate talk about how addiction is related to trauma.

This is probably going to change the world because for so long people have neglected to understand trauma, yet it's probably the most important issue out there, as it not only affects individuals but whole societies. Beliefs don't change easy though so I think it will take time, but at least we're getting started.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

Complex PTSD is misdiagnosed as an attention disorder all the time. People are just now starting to understand trauma and it's effects. But change isn't easy. As more therapists get informed and start helping clients with the real issue, it will become more well-known. Same with addiction. I like listening to Gabor Mate talk about how addiction is related to trauma.

This is probably going to change the world because for so long people have neglected to understand trauma, yet it's probably the most important issue out there, as it not only affects individuals but whole societies. Beliefs don't change easy though so I think it will take time, but at least we're getting started.

I think this is the evolution of humanity--a collective elevation of human consciousness.

Some people are still stuck in the old knowledge/beliefs, but a small group is upgrading/advancing.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

I think this is the evolution of humanity--a collective elevation of human consciousness.

I believe it is too. Understanding ourselves is key to happiness and growth. I appreciate modern trauma pioneers like Kolk, Richard Schwartz, Gabor Mate, Peter Levine, Pete Walker.. as well as pioneers in child advocacy like Alice Miller and Alfie Kohn (these are just ones I know of). I can't even imagine what my life would be like without people like this. I think as these ideas continue to evolve and spread to the public it will benefit everyone greatly including the spiritually-minded.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I believe it is too. Understanding ourselves is key to happiness and growth. I appreciate modern trauma pioneers like Kolk, Richard Schwartz, Gabor Mate, Peter Levine, Pete Walker.. as well as pioneers in child advocacy like Alice Miller and Alfie Kohn (these are just ones I know of). I can't even imagine what my life would be like without people like this. I think as these ideas continue to evolve and spread to the public it will benefit everyone greatly including the spiritually-minded.

Sorry, I feel really "maxed out" this week.

My healing journey had been different from yours. I did not think that I needed psychological healing, because my concept of trauma and such was distorted by general public's understanding of trauma. Did you always know you were traumatized or that you needed psychological help, or did you figure out somewhere along the way?

Because I discovered it, by accident, I learned things like self-awareness, self-discovery, self-empowerment, etc., along the way. I also discovered my spiritual powers along the way.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

Sorry, I feel really "maxed out" this week.

My healing journey had been different from yours. I did not think that I needed psychological healing, because my concept of trauma and such was distorted by general public's understanding of trauma. Did you always know you were traumatized or that you needed psychological help, or did you figure out somewhere along the way?

Because I discovered it, by accident, I learned things like self-awareness, self-discovery, self-empowerment, etc., along the way. I also discovered my spiritual powers along the way.

I had no idea about trauma and psychology until I started going to ACA meetings. I was taught by my family that psychology is bad, therapy is bad, nothing is wrong, don't feel anything negative, ignore your bad feelings, just tough it out, professional care is just a rip off, pray to God,figure it out yourself, find a spiritual solution, etc.

Basically sick, abusive people who are terrified of feeling anything so they **** on psychology because anything healthy and good is threatening. The idea of feeling scares the **** out of them, they'd rather abuse and keep everyone around them sick and abused. The kind of people who believe what they're told, including society's ideas about psychology.. basically people too dumb to ever get better and best left behind. That was the best decision of my life. They tried to stop me from getting help too and told me it was useless.

I was so fortunate to find ACA, that started my whole journey of healing. Otherwise I'd be just like them still.

I also found spiritual power after getting help. I thought I knew about it already, but I found much deeper meaning and effectiveness after I got help.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I had no idea about trauma and psychology until I started going to ACA meetings. I was taught by my family that psychology is bad, therapy is bad, nothing is wrong, don't feel anything negative, ignore your bad feelings, just tough it out, professional care is just a rip off, pray to God,figure it out yourself, find a spiritual solution, etc.

Basically sick, abusive people who are terrified of feeling anything so they **** on psychology because anything healthy and good is threatening. The idea of feeling scares the **** out of them, they'd rather abuse and keep everyone around them sick and abused. The kind of people who believe what they're told, including society's ideas about psychology.. basically people too dumb to ever get better and best left behind. That was the best decision of my life. They tried to stop me from getting help too and told me it was useless.

I was so fortunate to find ACA, that started my whole journey of healing. Otherwise I'd be just like them still.

I also found spiritual power after getting help. I thought I knew about it already, but I found much deeper meaning and effectiveness after I got help.

You reminded me of something that my cousin said to me. I was telling him about something miserable or intolerable, and he said something very negative, like, "You cannot change that. Life is just misery." Or something like that.

I think those who suffer are doing so because they accept it. Actually, I did not accept it, but it took me years to figure out how to get out of it. I think, for people like your family, they were just too clouded with darkness to be able to see a speckle of light.

Like a fish living in a polluted pond. He doesn't know that the water is polluted, although he would feel uncomfortable or sick. In contrast, if someone were to poke him, he would know that someone attack him, he would have that awareness, and he could respond by swimming away or something. But if it is the water, he would not know, and will just suffer.

When I look at my relatives, I see that they are like the fish. Even if I tell them, they would not believe it. I think we can only believe that there is light if we have caught a glimpse of it.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

You reminded me of something that my cousin said to me. I was telling him about something miserable or intolerable, and he said something very negative, like, "You cannot change that. Life is just misery." Or something like that.

I think those who suffer are doing so because they accept it. Actually, I did not accept it, but it took me years to figure out how to get out of it. I think, for people like your family, they were just too clouded with darkness to be able to see a speckle of light.

Like a fish living in a polluted pond. He doesn't know that the water is polluted, although he would feel uncomfortable or sick. In contrast, if someone were to poke him, he would know that someone attack him, he would have that awareness, and he could respond by swimming away or something. But if it is the water, he would not know, and will just suffer.

When I look at my relatives, I see that they are like the fish. Even if I tell them, they would not believe it. I think we can only believe that there is light if we have caught a glimpse of it.

I hear you. I think about why they're that way or what made them that way but in order to heal I need to focus on myself and start to believe that I matter. What happens when you go no contact is you start to feel all kinds of fear and guilt, but with help you begin to care about yourself and ask the question "what about me, don't I matter too?" It's not easy at all because trauma bonds in a family in denial are hard to break. That's what was programmed in my mind, to be in that world. The only escape was total separation giving me an environment to heal. Many children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families feel like a weight is lifted off their shoulders when the parents die. To me it's important to work through all this in therapy so that even after they die I won't have any attachment. The goal is not forgiveness, the goal is to feel nothing one way or another about them. It's a myth that you have to forgive to heal, the truth is you only have to forgive yourself.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I hear you. I think about why they're that way or what made them that way but in order to heal I need to focus on myself and start to believe that I matter. What happens when you go no contact is you start to feel all kinds of fear and guilt, but with help you begin to care about yourself and ask the question "what about me, don't I matter too?" It's not easy at all because trauma bonds in a family in denial are hard to break. That's what was programmed in my mind, to be in that world. The only escape was total separation giving me an environment to heal. Many children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families feel like a weight is lifted off their shoulders when the parents die. To me it's important to work through all this in therapy so that even after they die I won't have any attachment. The goal is not forgiveness, the goal is to feel nothing one way or another about them. It's a myth that you have to forgive to heal, the truth is you only have to forgive yourself.

I don't know about forgiveness, because I did not focus too much on trying to forgive others, but only trying to make myself feel better. But I notice that forgiveness came as a byproduct of my healing.

When you forgive, it means the past has no more power over you.

I thought of my mother's death when you mentioned about relief. I also felt relieved when my mother died. I did not grieve at all. To this day, I have not grieved. I have wondered if there's something stuck in me.

I was relieved because I no longer had to put up with being anxious around her--but actually I suffered very intense anxiety up until end of 2015, although I had no awareness that I was suffering from that until 2012 when my first acupuncturist said, "You know, you have anxiety."

Both of my parents had very bad temper, but the feeling-tone is different. I felt very sick from my mother's anger and attack. It's like when you yell at a kitten, and kittens have very acute sense of hearing. I think I stomached a lot of that shock when I was a child.

Then after my mother died, my father became more involved in my life. His anger was more like a lion roaring in front of a kitten. A lot more masculine, forceful, violent, etc. When my relatives came to visit us in 2016, they said they could not stand my father after one week, yet, I have to tolerate him for decades. And to make it worse, my relatives advised me, "Just keep tolerating him."

What you cannot accept for a week, you tell someone else to accept for the rest of her life. That's was extreme inhumanity. That's the best my relatives could do, to tell me to continue to suffer, instead of helping me out of my misery.

I had resentment against them, not just because of this but because of many other things they did. But I have come to a somewhat neutral ground.