Soulmate partner and triggers

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

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To me you STAND UP for those you love. You SHOW the person you love they are just that - LOVED. That you are PROUD of them.

You are not crazy for that, your concern was legitimate and at the same time if your luv has shown he did not intend to harm and was being in some way accountable, that is a good thing

I understand what you mean by shutting out and shielding after the effects of such a great trigger. At the same time I also understand it must be a minefield for him to navigate as a result of mental upbringing by the narc who would make him feel shamed for outward expression like that

And although the psychopath would show up to give me the signals and others too at parties, family gatherings, that I was his, that he was proud of me etc, he actually understood this compared to my luv's incredibly limited understanding

I understand, psychopaths are generally socially intellectual above average. However a psychopathic abuser would still have pretentiousness. It's better with your luv in a sense that your luv slipped up but is showing authenticity in attempts

Thanks for expressing a lot, gives me something to think about

[Izz]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

You're welcome, and good luck!! I'm sure you'll work it out

Yes thanks again

Hi Izz, I'm back here and this time I am going to try to keep it short (ha, ha). Thank you so btw :)

The way it has been with my luv - he was not raised to be a real man you know? Just as I was not raised to be a real woman, you get it?

I had a dominant mom (selfish mom but she had her good points too and I loved her, but you know I think all people that are dominant are the opposite of what they really want to come through as).

My luv had a dominant/narc parent.

We were both raised to have boots in our faces, pressed to the ground. You see? We were not raised to stand up. We were raised to lie down. Take a biscuit. Good boy.

It was from my luv's corner survival instincts, but he was no longer a little boy raised by both parents to accept a booth on your head, like the hunter over it's kill.

But because he had accepted it, he thought I should too. And what did I do? I stuck up. As if it was a shooting I did not know about and he had me on the ground and I stuck my head up. What danger? I did not know I stuck up but apparently I did so by holding his hand. Danger alert. He had been taught this was wrong. So down with me then. See?

The narc parent and my dominant mother - they wanted us insecure. They got us insecure. As adults we were still insecure. On the surface, sure we could have an attitude. But the ground, foundation that we were to stand on, that one was rocky, you could slip on that one. That is suppose to be the ground, foundation all parents are suppose to get as solid as possible for the child to later stand on as an adult, but in our cases it was not. They had only raised us to please them, to be a server to them, to put them first, to put other people first. What he did to me that evening not wanting me to touch him, was him pushing me so I fell on my slippy rock. The rock that would have in normal cases stood solid and I would have stood solid on it. I would then have understood this is not about us. This is not about how he feels for me. This is something else. I am coming closer, I can sniff this something else. Something dark.

And it was his insecurity and my insecurity that collided that evening.

My luv used to have lots of opinions on what i should wear and wear not. I would go independent style and wear what I wanted. Today I know that because of his autism it gets to be too many impressions that distracts him from seeing me. It is his eyes seeing me. His brain. Same way he thinks it is messy when I don't think it is. Too much impressions again, you see? Distractions. To the point he think it is chaos, when it ain't chaos to me. And what does chaos do? Creates stress. And to him he can't see the beauty then, he can't see the real me, he wants to see the real me, that is all he wants that moment. He loves me. I love him.

I know one evening I chose to wear this black simple dress and he was all over me that evening with compliments and what not and I thought what is his deal? and later on as we were to go out he was asking could I wear that dress again. I thought my other choices were just as good ones, but to him they were not, his eyes, his brain, has really nothing to do with me.

Today I don't care what he thinks or think not about my choice of wardrobe or how I have my hair, those are external things. He is reacting against the wardrobe etc, he is not reacting on me. But that is what I thought he was doing. I thought he thought I was not good enough and I felt that. I took that turn, you see? I thought he wanted me to be insecure. What he was really saying is "I don't see you", you are not at your best. There is a huge difference, no? If anything what he has meant to critic were the dawm clothes he thought was in the way, and not becoming of how he really viewed me. It wasn't me. But I would take it that he gave critic to me because this was my taste, and he said my taste was not good enough. It's a piece of clothing. If anything he has a problem with that, not with me. But I have been the one wearing it, I had chosen that.

I don't know if any of this helps. For me I had to change my way of thinking. that took time. Now I don't feel any of the old hurt or the insecurity I used to feel about this. It has left me. Finally it has left me. Now I too can look at the situations with different eyes. Now I can see it with his eyes. I wish I could have done that a long time ago. Wish I had not slipped and hit myself so hard on my slippy rock after he pushed me. Had it been more solid/had I been more solid it would only have felt like a little ant trying to do that and I would just have looked at him and said "What is YOUR problem? Do you need any help down there, little ant? You're OK there buddy? You're sure? You don't look OK to me? What's this about?"

[Izz]

I understand, asearcher. About your luv having the dominant narc parent - this is why I mentioned about detaching from mental shackles

In my opinion, certain mental shackles can potentially be more prevalent than even physical shackles. Because those mental shackles from being related to such an energy vampire (in this case your narc-in-law) spill out in other areas of life; be it aspirations, relationships with others and future thinking

Originally Posted by asearcher

On the surface, sure we could have an attitude. But the ground, foundation that we were to stand on, that one was rocky, you could slip on that one.

Yes I understand, that's partially why I'd emphasized before about detaching mentally first from certain shackles put by aspects like that. I know that the inner work is extensive. And I know you and your luv are progressing

Originally Posted by asearcher

Today I don't care what he thinks or think not about my choice of wardrobe or how I have my hair, those are external things. He is reacting against the wardrobe etc, he is not reacting on me

That's a very constructive way of putting it. It sounds like you and your luv have great progress together, including in your shared structure and life together, even with some challenges

Thank you for sharing, asearcher

Thank you & you're welcome. I feel a need to apologize because when I now reread my earlier posting I can see that the words "You see?", "you get it?" can come across totally the wrong way than I intended. You see I have been watching some youtube videos on a guru and he's from India and he often says like a question mark at the end while he sits there and chuckles and other chuckle too, but here looking at it in print I did not at all came across that way to myself even. So I wish to apologize. I had good intent, I swear it.


I think around the time I decided enough was enough was when he made fun of my looks, my weight. This was not too long after we had reconsiled after our previous split.

I remember I was hurt and crying and how it had felt for me to feel watched by him at the breakfast and dinner table.

He made me feel ashamed of my body when I had nothing to be ashamed about.

In his first family there is this great interest, fascination with especially the female bodies in the family, I've noticed and the narc parent's partner just accepts this when I think it is not right and you should not speak this way. I don't come from a family where this is the norm to put down the female bodies. Having female little children around as well I get so angry about hearing this and that either my luv or his siblnig even is responding, it's not OK, it's not normal to get away with such comments, but in their little world it is.

When he has told me in fights that I am "very sensitive" I have then turned it around and said that yes, I may be very sensitive, but that he and his family (sorry, not everyone) is incredibly insensitive.

I had to turn the tables around. I don't think I have been so good at defending myself. Good at defending others - that I have done better at.

I think I had stayed in the hurt, sad, and inferior section for too long. Now I was starting to get mad. Real mad. This is why I think anger is good (at a healthy proportion or it can too make us sick).

My anger made me finally defend myself. Defend myself against my own husband, who I should not have to feel that I had to defend myself against in the first place.

But also his family (not everyone, still just want to point that out).

I had previously to my relationship with my luv never been exposed to a boyfriend who had said any critic on my clothes or my looks or my weight and that had all varied during this course of time.

They had never said a bad thing. I can even give the ex psychopath that, he would only say he thought I was beautiful, looking at my face as if I was (but that was of course when he was in the in love stage, that is in love by a psychopath's measurement).

My anger turned things around.

Instead of buying that I was overweight and should be ashamed of myself I took a good look at my body and found out I liked it just the way it was.

I went on to read on different forums. I read an article on some sport page where those who work out would be advice to deal with their partners who has gained weight from how they used to look when they met and how to encourage them to loose the weight and work out. It was written that the work-out person should be careful how it chose to express itself to its partner, that it should be done in respect. All I can say is my luv did not express himself in a respective way towards me and that in front of children on top of everything. I felt I had to stand up for the children at least or they would think it is alright for a man to speak this way to a woman (or the other way around). It is OK to speak to mummy like this. Was I to teach a child this? No. As a mom and a mom figure, a woman, I had to stand up.

What I had to read on the other forums (not this one) made my skin crawl. It was work-out-freaks, mostly guys, but one or two women, who had succeeded in bullying their partners, of trying to stress them to loose the weight while still pregnant! and after birth!. One, this was the worst, would while love making complain about it's partner's weight! That is mental abuse. What all these other people had in common is that they loved their work-out-freaks partners and they only made them feel depressed and good to step on. Not one of them had felt uplifted and so on. It had only made the situation worse. Lots of people wrote in and urge them to leave a partner like that and to get their self esteem back. I've also heard of couples where one was putting down the other, making it have less self esteem and for that reason felt depressed and for that reason ate more. Depression can make you eat more or less than you normally do.

The way my luv had expressed himself to me came out in sudden irritation, frustration and he saw his opportunity to do so at the time. To me there was no pre warning. The fact that we had made love the night before and i had dared to open up my heart to him and thought now we were in a good place made me of course extremely vulnerable, when me being in a good mood and joking with the children around me that was clinching on me at the time. I was also semi dressed at the time, while he had all his clothes on. To me it came as a sudden nightmare, a sudden slap, from nowhere.

I remember, forgive me for being too private, I had the night before while love making kissed his upper arm once and I remember my heart was open and that I loved him. That I would dare to show tenderness like that, and to feel it. To dare to feel it. And then he goes and does that to me the next day. I had not done anything to him. He did it when I was happy. When I was vulnerable. When I was relaxed. When my shield was not one. It was as if I was feeling too good about myself. That I was not allowed to feel good enough in my own body and how I looked? Not OK to have fun with the children? Not OK to have something fun to look forward to doing with them? I remember too the look one of them had, looking up at me as if I was this little one's "hero", expressive of love and laughter in this child. Is that what he was envious about? That I should instead hide myself, hide my body? Not show the children here is a woman who likes her body? I was not allowed to like my own body, my own weight? Because of him? Because he, superior, said so? What right did he have to put me down?

I think too it reminded me too much so while I was in the relationship with the psychopath as he too would have a go at me when I was relaxed and happy and had not done anything. Same thing goes there. So I would say both the psychopath and my luv have done the same thing. later the psychopath would say I was tense and that he could not relax when I was tense like that and why couldn't I just relax? Well. It was pretty clear why I could not relax. Because each time I relaxed - that would happen. Out of the blue.

I have never read that that is a tactic but I have heard another survival of this and this person said the same thing. It was when this person was happy and relaxed, that the abuse happened. And like me, could therefor not afford to be relaxed. Perhaps others beside the two of us have experienced this? Have you experienced it, having a narc relative?

I realize this is nothing short but a tactic. It is something that very insecure people use like narcs use. The message of the tactic is that they get afraid when their partner feel good enough or even great. They get afraid when their partner laughs a heartfelt laugh, is happy, when things are going great. They get afraid that the partner will feel so good about itself that it will realize hey, I am too good for you, and leave the partner, perhaps for someone else. Even if we would never think that. Has nothing to do with us. Has to do with them.

So what they all do is that they give you just enough air to breath, and what I mean by that, and I know I have written about it before but I find it hard to describe in another way. Ok so here I will try: It is that they give you very limited praise. You know they always have to have a "But" in there. There always has to be a joke on your expense, or a complain etc. There always has to be some ridiculous critic or the withdrawal of praise. Because they desire to keep you "just there". Keep you. That is what they are after. To keep you. To have that power. Makes them feel more secure. They don't want you to be happy. When I thought I was happy (and relaxed) with the psychopath - he did that to me. When I thought I was relaxed and happy about myself, my body, my life, having some fun times to look forward - he says, does that to me? Same thing. They don't want you to be happy. They don't want you to feel good in your clothes. But it is really about them. They're the ones that has a problem with this, not us.

So who is giving them that power? If you have given the person you love that power and they make you feel not loved in return or appreciated or what it now may be - then you take back your power. It is yours to have in the first place. It is a sign that someone you love is very insecure about themselves even if they can come off as something else, and they will use the love you give them to abuse you with. If you don't love them and you take your power back, or you can still love them (but I can imagine less so) what is utmost essential here is that you have to take your power back. This why I never let my luv decide or I ask him for advice on what to wear or not. I am me. I chose what is on my body. Not him. Not anyone else. I don't give away that power. It may sound ridiculous, that I am too much, but no. Not to me I ain't. He has one choice: He can either love me or not love me. He don't have to compliment my clothes. He don't have to like my clothes. I don't care. I like my clothes. I let him have the clothes he wants on his body. It's not important to me. It's never been important to me what people wear or wear not. What has and is important to me is the people themselves. And to show every human being respect.

People can say well he has autism and it would improve, be less of a irritation or stress if you wore your more basic clothes stuff and not the ones with "too much going on". What I have to say about this is that he has to still live in the real world with or without his autism and in the real world people will dress themselves in all sorts of ways. If he has trouble with the way I am dressed a particular day I say - look the other way then. I will not change into something else. He has to find a way to deal with it. It is not my problem if he has a problem with it. I know that can sound cold and selfish of me and if it does so be it. But his eyes, his brain needs to find a way to deal with this. I know there are things I wear that I never get complimented about and that's fine with me because I love wearing them anyhow. I know that I love particurly 2 colors that people usually never like, but I love those two colors. So I can buy clothes or something else in that color. And he like other people don't have to like that color the way I do. I don't expect them to, but they still need to show respect for me and my choice to like that color. I'm still gonna like it and i'm still gonna use it. I let them like and use what ever colors they live. Who are they to tell me I can't like and use that color?

I would have been blind and deaf it I did not acknowledge the fact that my luv has done this to me, with autism diagnose or not, put me down, that is. He has done this. And that hurts. And that should hurt. It should hurt when you love someone and you don't do tactics like that to them and it is not called for and they do it to you. And all you have done is that you have loved them. That is your only crime. So you don't deserve this.

From that background I realize by another thread you made that I understand you have had a strong reaction and it is too because of your past, you know about tactics, you know the purpose of it, and you get hurt and you get let down and then you get angry. And you get suspicions too maybe? Is this happening again? If you are or have been I understand because that is what I would have been.

You know we can all slip, we can all be insecure, we can all get a little jealous, we can all have these small portions of it, our weak moments, but when it is a pattern, there is a problem and such a problem tend to grow if you don't do anything about it.

My luv would break down in tears etc when he saw my reaction as I think it dawned on him right then and there. He would later by his own choice, I did not know it, sit down with the children who had witnessed this to say that what he had said was wrong etc.

Before and during our split, when he had made the cruel comment he had made about my body, I realized that how I viewed him, what my eyes told me about his looks had changed. He was no longer beautiful to me. I know he worked out, I could see that, but he was not attractive to me. Also his face sort of looked strange to me. He was not handsome anymore to me. It has made me wonder how our feelings about someone is what is making them attractive or not. Nothing had changed about his looks, that I knew. But still. He looked so different to me. Almost ugly. I did not tell him that. And I know I started to think is he really my (physical) type? Maybe that has changed? Maybe I will find another man, another physical type much more attractive?

I had absolutely no desire to be intimate with him, that goes without saying.

I know when I was hurt and sad that I thought my God with what eyes had he viewed me through the night before? When we had made love? He must have seen me then how I truly looked, I mean, I had nothing on me. I'm not someone who thinks about how I look in situations like that, and I thought my god he must have thought I was too fat for his taste then? But did not say anything to me then, and then saw the opportunity the next day and just said it then instead? That was how little respect he had of me. None. He had no respect for me. And I would say what I thought we had shared the night before could not have been special to him at all. How could it have been when he chose to say what he had said to me the very next day? It was so cruel. How could I not be hurt over that? If I had not been hurt about that I would not have been human. To think I had kissed his arm that one time and felt such tenderness and love for his skin alone? And he says this to me the very next day?

I know that here too I turned the tables around. I thought to myself, this was during our split but we still had to live together unfortunately, I will not give him the privilege to see me semi or naked. So now I was no longer ashamed, the way he had intended for me to be. Instead I thought, no, he is not my man anymore. And he will not have the privilege to see me like that.

One night, we took turns and he was sleeping on the sofa, and I woke up in my (double) bed and realized this creep had creep back and slept on his old side of the bed. I was semi naked under the covers. I woke him up, furious, and told him to get the hell out. He would say later that it was "brutal" to wake up like that, and the hate in my eyes. He was no longer my man, and he was not allowed to sleep next to me, to my body. I did not want his body that close to me (even if he by no means was touching my body with his). Another time he by accident saw me semi naked and I told him to go away. I could hear in my own voice how I felt about him, there was no love in my voice. It was more like he was a disgusting pig and needed to split and that fast. He apologized in a hurry and left. I had a principle and it was that I was not showing my body semi naked or naked around any man unless I wanted to, and I did not want to in front of him, not because I was ashamed, but because I had that much respect of my own body and my own value and that I found myself attractive (I did!), so I really did not concern myself what he thought or not about it.

Besides from these incidents and the heartbreak of splitting up I felt much better in my body and again I felt I had nothing to be ashamed about. I blossomed. I found back to my old self again. I felt so good inside and about my body too. Even if I was in no hurry to find another, I enjoyed being single.

I think I at one point during our split told him that I could understand that this was difficult for him to get, but that he needed to get into his head that I did not find him attractive even if he did find himself and his muscles attractive. I know he had this look to him, and I know someone else too described the look a work-out-freak can have who has put down his partner's look when that partner wondered where on earth did this person get the idea from that it was wanted by its' partner still, after the remark the work-out person had just made? Perfect body or not - they had seized to be attractive. I would not dream of being with a man I did not find attractive. To me it was not about the muscles, not about he tall he was or what ever superior-attribute he thought he had that would make me want him in bed with me. I did not want him in bed with me. Not him. No thanks. Not after finding out how he looked at my body. He looked at my body worse than I did! Why the hell would I feel free, passionate, and relaxed in an intimate situation with him for? How the hell could he even have thought that? Had he really expected me to sell myself so short? To degrade me like that?

I can honestly say he would have had to kill me before and not even then would I have gone to bed with him. There has to be a limit what one has to put up with and mine was reached .

Sadly this area, the making love area, was an area I thought would not be infected the way he had made it into.

He truly acted as if he had not even thought that it would of course impact me very much so to think he naturally looked at my body this way, in bed too. How he could not have made that connection is beyond my imagination.

As he was trying to get me back and saying and doing all sorts of things to try to make that happen, he would later say it was a horrendous time for him , and that he too missed my body, and just missed holding my hand or what ever in our every day life together and that he found me beautiful but he knew he could not say that. I would notice him asking is that something new? (I was wearing) as if he was trying to give me a compliment, but I did not care what he said, he was history to me.

I know I at one time told him that as my body was not the body for him, his body was not the body for me. That I needed to find myself another body, in time, that appreciated my body just the way it was. That I was sorry if he felt that I had "tricked him" by gaining weight and that he should wait no more, but please, go out there and find himself the body he desired. He would be saying that I was now the way my body looked his type, he would really be saying all sorts of things that made no sense what so ever, and I told him he should get himself straighten out.

I refused and still refuse to be with a man when I am suppose to have the thought in the back of my head that my body is not lovely just the way it is to him and that I have to change it in order to (maybe?) be that to him. I would never ask that of my partner. I would never speak of my partner's body the way he chose to speak about mine.

As he said all sorts of things trying to save his skin no doubt, he would also talk about my health (even if I eat more healthy than he does). He would talk about that he wanted us to do this together. I don't know if it was, is his autism or this sick desire after perfection that would make him himself look at his body with not so forgiving eyes, and there for looked at my body (thanks a lot!) the same or similar way? Who was next? A child's body? Had he no boundary?

I was concerned to about the younger generation in his first family as both young boys and girls had asked me before if they were fat and looked worried and showed their little tummies to me. I had asked the narc parent etc before to be careful how it spoke about weight etc with grandchildren around but the narc just continued and I would try to remove the grandchildren from hearing that. My luv too was totally insensitive about the whole thing, so fixated himself. I am all for working out and eating healthy and having a positive life style, it isn't that. It is when you turn it into something like this, that is wrong.

I think one of the most attractive qualities a person can have, female or male or how one now see oneself as, is if you like or love yourself and set boundaries. But also if you show the same to your partner, and other people.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I have never read that that is a tactic but I have heard another survival of this and this person said the same thing. It was when this person was happy and relaxed, that the abuse happened. And like me, could therefor not afford to be relaxed. Perhaps others beside the two of us have experienced this? Have you experienced it, having a narc relative?

I understand what you mean by what the psychopath did. It's the gaslighting and changing of rules. "How dare you be happy about this... Wait, why aren't you just immediately happy when I expect you to be?"

The narc I know would also at times had a go at me when I seemed really happy and unprovoked. Not only that, even when I was simply just content

For example about my work and other friendships. Never had I even said things like "I love everyone at work!!! Everyone adores me" or even behaved like that. But she seemed subconsciously and perhaps consciously upset that I didn't "report" about being cut down at work or something like that. That out of nowhere, out of the blue, when she was critiquing me over my appearance - suddenly she said something like "do not be so confident that people at work like you" (???????) It's her way to try triangulate, gaslight, add some unseen hostility - her way to make me feel like I would be betrayed and thus because of that - have no right to just be content. To "just be"

There was a time I casually excitedly shared about an opportunity given to me and she overheard and then she asked casually about work by another colleague of mine. And I felt she was trying to compare and even take my joy about the opportunity down a notch - as in "who do you think you are, to have joy about it, see someone else is doing better than you." Pretty sick behavior

Because such people are sick. They unconsciously and conscuously feel entitled as if they alone should be special snowflakes in the picture of this world and how dare even the ones they proclaim to care about show happiness. It's a sickness that honestly - when it comes down to it - I think it's difficult to describe in words

As a result I keep a lot of things to myself. I don't care if it offends her. If she wants people to share things even casually, she should look at her own behavior and see what it has done too in the grand scheme of her life

I make sure now she doesn't know the goals and intentions which are most important to me

I understand what you mean about feeling attacked unprovoked

Im sorry about the experiences you had gone through, with that psychopath

Originally Posted by asearcher

From that background I realize by another thread you made that I understand you have had a strong reaction and it is too because of your past

My partner is usually affirming and encouraging about my appearance (my love language is words of affirmation hihi). He says that I'm beautiful. It's just that few occasions of casual comments about outfits that bothered me - and I had to actually explain to him the why's of how it bothered me. Thankfully, he apologized and took accountability

I think it's important to also be grounded in the sense when we have such concerns like that, to not let it just pass and realize they're legitimate concerns no matter what anyone else tells us

I'm glad that you are not letting limiting beliefs pass down to your children too as a result of your insights and personality. You are showing them that it's okay to "just be" and not be microscoped over things to do with physical appearance when they don't want to be (the good example you are setting)

No need to apologize. I did not find anything condescending about what you write. I know when I am being patronized even in typed words and you did not demonstrate that here. I am personally okay with you sharing in threads it gives me significant things to read and reflect on

And overall - at times we want to be in that energy of Beingness. To be able to lean back and enjoy the joys from the seeds we have put out in life. And to not be pushed unprovoked. So it's frustrating right when it appears that others don't get it?

Being in that energy of Beingness can be more than enough at times

[utopiandreamchild]

Originally Posted by Izz

How do you personally deal when your soulmate triggers you?

Love overcomes all things. Approach your partner with love and don't be negative about thing's. Be purely positive at all times and love unceasingly. It's healthy to love, beneficial and very wise.

utopia

[Izz]

My soulmate partner is teaching me some important life lessons - to do with being more earthy, grounded and in the present moment. He isn't an earth sign but he's very earthy

Some triggers had been inevitable but I'm learning

Thanks Izz, I feel very much exposed I have to tell you but I don't care anymore in a way if someone recognize me in real life, as this is the truth. Before I would be embarrass by these marital problems. I am trying to give you strength from what I have been through and the only way I know how to try to explain where I am coming from is by sharing my stories, I am hoping I don't come off as too selfish, that is not my point. I know what it is like to feel all alone. I can't even turn to my friends because they are my luvs friends too and I don't want to drag him down, talk "bad" about him behind his back.

Before all this I was a shy one who would not dream of talking about intimacy, something you just don't talk about, but feel then why should I not do that? They can do it and they do it in such a disrespectful, intrusive way, why should not I try to give my point to it then?

I think what really got under my skin with my luv and the narc and the whole structure in his first family is that they take for granted that they are better than you are. They are superior in a way. They try to step on you in order to feel better about themselves. And they think they are God's gift to everyone? That we should only bow ourselves and say oh thank you for your presence. thank you. I feel so good being pushed down like this, really you do wonders for my self confidence here, i can feel it already...What the hell do they think?

I also turned the tables around thinking like this to my luv, to think No, this page about sport, working out - and how to encourage your "dumb,fat" (OK it did not say that) partner to work out and eat more healthy, giving advice, I think it was set up as a warning, because I think perhaps that a lot of people that work out to that extend and eat "just right" can get too fixated on that and think what they look like and how they eat is just superior and get frustrated , irritated at their partner for not sharing this passion that I think has a fear of turning into a complete lifestyle and getting to be too much. The article was a good one. It focused on the health benefit and to have respect for your partner's body. It gave example on what to say and what not to say (so I am guessing some work out freaks has been insensitive and said the other things then, why else would it be up there as an example?).

Anyways I have felt like saying to my luv No, I did not "trick" you. You Tricked me. Now I can't enjoy your arm around me at nights because it is too heavy, just to use an example. That ain't perfect to me.

I understand that some are more obsessed with looks and where my luv comes from that is the case. There is no sensitivity about it. He himself I have learned is very sensitive about his own looks.

I have thought Ok, so we know this. We know that narcs and psychos they use tactics, from morning til night, perhaps even in their dreams, who knows? But can't they chose NOT TO? I know all their tactics, I have even tried one or two on my luv to get the message across (to later apologize and I felt manipulative and wrong while doing it but i had tried everything else and could not get through). All the other time I chose not to do tactics on other people. And I think this is too what ****es me of frankly. That they chose to use it. WHo says they have to use it just because they are narcs and psychos? THey know when to turn it on and when to turn it off. Even those who make it look as if they have bad impulse control - they know. They sure did not have bad impulsive control before in the relationship.

And some say but there must have been warning signs before? I say no. There were no warning signs before. Because they know what they are doing. It is when they got you trapped half way into the dark tunnel, not before, when it starts to happen. When it gets more difficult to get out. That is when it is turned on.

I hate it when other people feel superior and comment in a bad way about other people's clothes or looks and bodies. They are crossing boundaries to me.

Especially if it is my luv doing that.

Had I been back at school, maybe one or two would have tried something but they only did so once because I was ready for it .But i should not be ready for it in the embrace of my husband, in my own home etc. A loving partner should not be that way to you.

Today when something like this comes up I don't react like I used to do , I think at this point I can't get hurt anymore to tell the truth , and I know it is them that is having the problem and not me and I speak up about it.

My luv would say I would not look at him the same. That that was one of the hardest thing for him. I bet he thought he came back after having worked out that I would look at him with love in my eyes like I had the years before. I didn't. I had never told him I thought he should work out or work out more or work out less. I would always just say that he should do what feels good for him and be happy in the body he is in and just the fact that it is working the way it does, no handicap. I have only said good things. I have not viewed a person I love with eyes that they should not wear that clothing etc, but I realized I have been too good for him (both too good to him and too good for him) and he did not have the same goodness to show me, and that hurts.
He's done a lot of improvements though and working to progress that, trying to change, he has changed to an extent that I did take him back. I am not trying to hold on to the past but if something else happens, it will be a trigger to me in a different way than before, and I will react accordingly. I understand too he has had layers to work out away from than I had to have coming from a total different family where you knew how to respect other people in a way they have not been taught to do. Still he has such empathy in him and he wants to help out, he does it without saying anything, I've seen it so many times, he works in his silence, and then I think he is a really good guy, and I should hold on to him as well. So maybe we will get this once and for all. It was sort of agonising to watch him in action when he was trying to win me back. One time he thought he had really thought of something good and asked me had he ever in all the time we had been a couple rejected me (in bed)? ANd I had to say no. And he said that no because he has always desired me and wanting more of me if nothing less, and that he was so sorry he had not seen the connection between what he had said back then (when I left him) to how it was between us in that other area. Which is just plain stupid. But he was saying a lot of stuff, one thing after another when all I wanted was for us to get seperate living arrangements. Saying he would never want another woman, he had not desired another woman, he was on and on, that what was the use to put all this work and effort in a long lasting relationship and then this is how it is going to end, that he had always seen the two us grow old together etc. That he still loved me, that he did not know how to not do that, and he felt like the biggest yerk there was, to have looked at me that way, treated me that way. I asked if he had 2 personalities in him because now he was saying the opposite of what he had said before. He would try to make it into that he had worried about my health but he had very specifically (not how it was written out in the article) complained about my looks and in front of children no less. What a great example of a dad he was with what he stood for. he should have felt ashamed of himself, and turns out later it was as if he did. He had taken for granted that he was superior, he was doing everything right, I was not hopping on that train as he wanted me with him, and so by pushing me down he thought I would feel so bad about how I looked I would hop right on there? to please him? That pig? Why would I want to be on his insane-train-trip?

I would tell him that he and the narc has this superior attitude and take for granted that what they think is right is right and perfect and no consideration that to others their perfect is not our perfect. That he needs to get a clue.

I hope you still will be triggered Izz but in a different way, but I also think it is good that you do react because after what we have been through we know there is something else lurking when they say, do such things and they shouldn't get away with it, but at the same time it shouldn't be on our expense, take a toll on our self esteem.

hugs to you!:)

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I am trying to give you strength from what I have been through and the only way I know how to try to explain where I am coming from is by sharing my stories, I am hoping I don't come off as too selfish, that is not my point. I know what it is like to feel all alone. I can't even turn to my friends because they are my luvs friends too and I don't want to drag him down, talk "bad" about him behind his back

Hello asearcher

I understand I know there are both differences and similarities in our experiences but I do understand

You had faced certain things in your past because of the psychopath, was subjected to his fearful and targeted isolation games. You extensively torn yourself away from the psychopath physically. Perhaps you felt you couldn't share some of the things with others in your life, but rest assured you are understood. There are also people who had been through it

And then after that, you got with your luv and you have built a structure with him (a family, home). He is genuine in his love, but has those traits that frustrate you - some of which he didn't warn you about (as you told me). Perhaps it feels like if you were to relay some of the difficulties the psychopath caused, your luv would not be able to fully understand. Your luv also has certain growing up to do especially breaking free mentally from his old structure (dysfunctional family of origin) to preserve his current structure (with you the one he loves)

And his fixation about physical appearance and inconsiderations should be questioned, as you were standing up rightfully for your boundaries. I'm with you on that

Originally Posted by asearcher

hate it when other people feel superior and comment in a bad way about other people's clothes or looks and bodies. They are crossing boundaries to me

Yes I totally understand. You were right 100% to stand your ground. Esp after what you faced in the past. It is good that you are protective and more so important their limiting beliefs will not be passed down to your children - as you stand that ground. And in that context your luv has more growing up to do

Perhaps in the midst of it all, there are most important life lessons that you and your luv still need to relearn from each other. I believe that a soulmate can be a sculptor but it's mutual. They sculpt us, they help us grow. They are different from just toxic or negative karmic connections in the sense that they care for our needs too, even if the way their care manifest differently than how we express our care

I think I do know by now some of the life lessons meant to be learnt with my soulmate. With him I learn to be more earthy and in the present moment