How would you feel?

[Emmalevine]

I would welcome any perspectives on this situation and/or ideas on how to approach it, or whether it should be forgotten.

To cut a long story short, I'm in a long distance relationship that began last summer. Me and my boyfriend both have serious health issues, meaning we meet up as and when we can (infrequently at the moment) but we talk on the phone and skype everyday. We have good chemistry and really like eachother as people too. We have always been open with eachother about how we feel and what we want. There has never been awkwardness about any issue or subject.

I've always known that he has various friends who he speaks to on the phone and skype too, most of which have their own health problems. This hasn't been an issue for me as I'm not the jealous type. He has talked about one friend in particular, a girl I'll call Jenny. He has always been clear that she likes him and would be happy to have a relationship with him, but he doesn't have that spark with her, whereas he does with me. Jenny is now in a relationship with another man but she and my bf still chat often, again very innocently and this has never been a problem for me.

Until this morning. I felt ill last night and had missed two texts which my bf had sent. I only read them this morning. One was to Jenny but sent to me by mistake. The other was to me, apologising for the mistaken text. In the text he meant for Jenny, my by was very affectionate towards his friend, calling her 'lovely Jenny' and wrote some standard stuff before finishing it with 'sweet dreams' and a row of kisses. I believe it is just the way he is rather than indicating anything sinister, but I feel hurt and shocked anyway. I suppose 'shaken' is more the word. The chances are he doesn't realise how he comes across to a friend who fancies him and may well feel she's in with a chance if he ever breaks up with me. My bf likes woman, although not in a degrading way, he simply likes their company and feels they are nicer than men in many ways, especislly as he likes to chat! He sents me lots of sweet texts, but not as many kisses and I guess I feel a bit upset about that.

Does this sound like an overreaction on my part? I am absolutely 100% certain he is NOT playing around and the text is innocent, but my main concern is that this friend of his my see his affection as a sign he likes her. I don't trust my own thoughts and feelings about this. I'm scared and don't know how to approach the issue with my bf without sounding jealous and possessive, two very unattractive qualities. I don;t know what to do. My bf has every right to friends. I have friends of the opposite sex too. I feel like a fool. If I say how I feel, my fear is that it will make me look possessive and controlling.

What do people think? Do I let this go or try and say something with a risk of making me look bad?

[Sarian]

one of those type and delete daYS..

it's vacation time!

[froebellian]

Reading between the lines, he has be upfront about chatting to Jenny so thats good.

Personally men are not that bright when they are flattered with attention and will lap it up.

I think you have a right to be upset, its never nice to know the person you care about has close feelings for another. However hopefully he will have realised that your feelings are important and must be taken into consideration.

I would let it go, but would let him know how you felt about seeing the text as casually as possible..and see his reaction?

The key to any good relationship is honesty about feelings, and long distance relationships are especially difficult (been there) because it is far harder to share and connect with someone far away from you. If you are honestly hurt or worried about this situation, talk to him about it and be completely open about your feelings, both your hurt and your trust in him. Don't let it go and don't be coy and subtle; the former will just fester and create distrust, and the latter, if he's observant and notices what you are doing, will damage his trust in you.

Open and honest communication only strengthens a good relationship, it never damages it.

CS

[Emmalevine]

Thanks for all your responses. I feel very sad...I know I need to say something about this to him.

If you trust him, then I trust your ability to determine whether your own partner is being unfaithful, but you're right that he might be coming across the wrong way to others, possibly including Jenny. I don't think it's possessive at all to ask that your boyfriend be mindful of his affections towards friends, since it's not a black-and white between nothing at all and kissy-kissy texts. Best of luck!

I agree that you need to get this out and clear the air. If he truly cares about you, then he will understand your feelings. The longer you hold it in and try to "forget about it" the more you will worry about it! If nothing else, he should at least appreciate the fact that you are being honest about your feelings...and he should do the same!

[Emmalevine]

Thanks so much everyone.

I did speak to him about this - and he totally validated my feelings. He said there's nothing between him and his friend (as I thought), the wording of the text was jokey not serious and she's aware of that as much as him. His friend is apparently marrying her bloke this year, and while she and my bf get on well, that's all there is to it and she knows the texts are friendly but that's as far as it goes.

Yes I do believe my bf is faithful - for one thing, his health issues prevent him from playing around, and for another, I've known him for two years despite only getting together with him in the summer, and I've got a very accurate sense of the genuine person he is. He is naturally friendly and giving, but not deliberately flirty or sleezy. That is really what has unsettled me so much about the situation. I felt that he was being friendly when his friend may be taking it the wrong way. Some people give out signals without realising.

Thanks all for helping me see my feelings about this aren't unreasonable.

[froebellian]

Am glad.. sometimes we don't see how our actions appear to others.

I'd ask him to try and refrain from using endearments such as "lovely Jenny" to other females because I feel endearments like that are meant entirely for the person that you're involved with.

I'd talk to him about this and about how it feels for you to see texts like that and to know that he says things that could be taken as flirting, even if he doesn't mean for the texts to be seen as flirting. Some people who received signals that seem to be flirting in nature may act on that even if the person who gave the signals is in a committed relationship.

Talking about it is something that can be beneficial and I've personally talked with my fiancé about similar things. We even met online and now live together so I understand a bit of the insecurity that may come from seeing texts like that.