panics since strange incident

[annabelle239]

I just really need a place to put this since it's been interfering with my life and i'm worried and ready to break free. This is very embarrassing to write about.I have been having panic attacks and feel i am becoming paranoid delusional since a bizarre incident last spring. In spring,I was alone in my home at night right smack after traveling and if you were to look at online social medias,it'd look as if i was out of town still. I kept hearing this strange sound as if purposeful back and forth steps coming up and down my stairs as if someone was trying to sound weird. I assumed it was neighbors at first but then something told me to go to the door and make sure the screen door was locked and just as i got to the door a strange figure with a black hood was right on the top of the steps and said sorry in a low voice and walked back down. It was one of the most creepiest and scary things of my life. i had loved my secluded porch and always felt so safe out there. I hurried up and called the cops. They came and found the guy in the alley and said he seemed to be stoned and that his story matched what i told the police about the back and forth stepping. He had claimed he was looking for a friend's place and the cops said they brought him to the train station and that he lived a few neighborhoods over.

After this incident,i've become a much more anxiety ridden person and that incident catapulted things in my life to breakdown which led to changes and and from a spiritual perspective,i can see the reason behind this and think maybe what i'm going through now is to break me free for good. I just can't stop wondering WHO was that guy. Was it really random? Those sounds of back and forth trying to sound soft up and down stairs was so creepy and right when i had gotten back from traveling! I just haven't been able to get it out of my head that it was intentional. I had wondered who could it be. Was it an ex that was really curious to come in my apartment that i said i wasn't comfortable with that only two or three weeks or so before? I highly doubt it,but still. I've had anxiety issues before this,and so my home being my one safe place feeling unsafe has really done something to me. What's upsetting also is,ever since two years ago,i've tried to become more free of my anxiety and become more independent yet have attracted things to shut me down even more and i am now worse then i was two years and it makes me want to cry that after all this time,i'm now worse then ever! Here's the start of me becoming more closed off and worse:A little over two years ago, i traveled alone and had a strange incident happen that scared me so much i couldn't sleep the rest of the night. I haven't traveled alone since then...and have a trip coming up that i really don't want to cancel or make someone have to come with me with. After about two months of that,I was taking the train home somewhere,and switched to the wrong train (i had to take two different trains to get home)because i was spacing out. I kept going and going not knowing what to do and panicked on the phone to friend begging for help and they kept telling me to get off and they'll get me but i didnt want to get off somewhere i didnt know but finally i was about to and was in the WORST neighborhood in my city for crime that's notorious. These angel's of women helped me and said they didn't blame me for me getting scared because of where i ended up and helped me get on the right train home. I haven't taken a train since this happened. :'( Months after this,i was walking in my neighborhood which i knew wasn't as safe since moving closer to the downtown but wanted to try and have my leisure walks again anyways and i once had a weird feeling about a guy i seen so crossed over to the other side of the street. he quickly followed and kept looking at me walking fast and got in my face until i looked in his eyes almost crying then he kept walking. i pretty much stopped going for walks after this.

Around this time,i was out clubbing with friends and an incident that would later on be apparently more important then i realized then at that time caused me to split off from my friend,not because of what was going on but because i wasn't sure what was going on and wanted to go home,it was a misunderstanding basically. Well,i then got taunted by two groups of people as i walked to find a cab and one group was so bad,i rushed to a drug-store parking lot and had a worker there help me while i called a friend to come get me. I've since felt nervous going out and have been way more needy even asking someone once if they'd help me get a cab and things like that.I usually hate asking for help unless it's someone i know super well. I used to feel confident and never had things like that happen in all my years of clubbing. And,speaking of downtown at night,I once walked blocks in the middle of the night downtown after sex with a guy at his place when i wanted to go home and not sleep over with no issue whatsoever and very minimal fear.

I had another strange incident relating to my apartment that was my worst fear last year. It's like the more i try to become independent the more life is making me needy and afraid. Finally,last year,i was healing from life things in general but still not even bothering to try to work on becoming brave and independent again. I kind of gave up. I just wanted to focus on feeling good again. And,then that guy on my porch thing happened. Since then i've had panic attacks that are crazy and i feel like i'm losing my mind. I've become so paranoid and am scaring myself. On my first night in the new apartment i'm in,i seen a guy swear at a girl(his gf i think) and thought he might be in a gang and was worried for my roommate coming back but my phone had died and didn't have charger on me as things were still getting moved in so i went upstairs and started banging on door of neighbor. No one answered. Another time the first week here,i heard neighbors outside and was paranoid about someone coming in and started hiding in kitchen begging roommate to come home. I was about to call police and was freaking out. A guy who came to hook up internet here the first week asked me out. It was awful. The worst thing to do to someone with anxieties is make them feel unsafe in their own home. I gave him my number so he'd go away.He then called right after he left and was still in front asking to come in and check something on my computer. I made up an obvious untrue excuse to why he couldn't being too scared to let him back in and was worried for the rest of the month he'd stalk me. About a week ago,I was awoken to the strangest thing. Men in my bushes and tapping sounds. I opened the window and seen they had large stick and were trying to open lady above me's window. I asked what they were doing. No answer. So rude. Apparently they were maintennance guy's and two days before two were in my bushes clipping them which frightened me too and made me call my mom in a panic and beg her to come over. She said i didn't even sound like me. I seriously thought both times they were going to try to break open my windows and come in. The most recent time,i then heard a saw by the jeep by the side of the house and even thought they might open the window with a saw and come in. It too hours for me to realize how illogical this was. I am losing my mind.

I've taken several measures to help myself with this. I'm making mini goals such as right now let's just try getting through the day time in my home with no anxieties. From there,at night time in my home with no anxieties and from there move out of the house with more normal activities. I don't understand why all this is happening but am trying to trust all is perfect and that this is leading me to overcome the anxieties i had before to a whole new level of freedom i've never had. I do wish i knew why a few of these scary things happened. i'm usually good at finding out how something manifested. If anyone has any insights,it'd greatly appreciated,especially towards the most recent thing of the guy on the porch. Has anyone had something like that happen before? Could it really just have been a harmless mistake?

Very basically, your anxiety is understandable. Most people, when their homes are burgled, never feel as safe again even when they install superior locks and security paraphernalia. It's because their homes have been violated.

Quite honestly, It sounds as if you should be seeking professional help. It's a most complex issue.

::::

[CrystalSong]

Hun, why don't you go take a Martial Arts class. A year or two of it and your internal world will change and you will feel confidant, secure and in charge, you will also have a very quick and effective way to protect yourself. Your reflexes will get lightening fast and your sense of what is around you and how to prioritize threat will increase dramatically. It's a life changer for women.

It worked total wonders for me. I felt weak and in harms way in a dangerous world when I had no way to make the playing field level. After a few years of Martial Arts it would take a gang of people to actually scare me.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Very basically, your anxiety is understandable. Most people, when their homes are burgled, never feel as safe again even when they install superior locks and security paraphernalia. It's because their homes have been violated.

Quite honestly, It sounds as if you should be seeking professional help. It's a most complex issue.

::::

Thanks. I'm glad it's understandable. I think it just hurts that i've had issues with being independent and anxieties and then once i started taking bigger steps to overcome it,I started having incidents that closed me up more and more to the point where i now feel i practically should be in a mental hospital with how crazy i feel. I have been looking into helps and different things. I am also taking small baby steps to overcome and resume to normalcy. I do feel all this has sort of hit a culmination point recently to heal to new levels of freedom finally for me. Just seeing how all the dots connect,is interesting. I know i'm not meant to be like this,and it feels like i'm being urged by the universe to break free and face my fears.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by CrystalSong

Hun, why don't you go take a Martial Arts class. A year or two of it and your internal world will change and you will feel confidant, secure and in charge, you will also have a very quick and effective way to protect yourself. Your reflexes will get lightening fast and your sense of what is around you and how to prioritize threat will increase dramatically. It's a life changer for women.

It worked total wonders for me. I felt weak and in harms way in a dangerous world when I had no way to make the playing field level. After a few years of Martial Arts it would take a gang of people to actually scare me.

I had been resistant to this idea feeling like i'd be unteachable with martial arts. I am quite girl-ish and tend to have dainty gestures not meaning to. i've even been made fun of for it but i think i actually will give this a try. I love the idea of being able to feel safe in my own body if i'm out and about. It sounds quite amazing. I so miss going for leisure walks a little over two years ago. I really do think this is an amazing idea.

[CrystalSong]

I'm dainty and girly too, 100's of times in my life I've been asked if I was a professional dancer or ballerina.

The interesting thing about particularly Women's Self Defense course is that you don't need strength, you need quickness and leverage and a little understanding of the human body. Stepping to the right, grabbing a mans punching arm and bending over and he's suddenly flying through the air with no more strength needed that it takes to open a jar of jam is a phenomenal discovery!

You will learn that your elbows are an incredibly strong and sharp object you have on you at all times which can cause an attacker to loose all interest in you as they lay gasping for breath.

It's very empowering to learn how to use your own body and to date I've traveled 41 countries, 1/2 of them third world countries and 1/2 of them as a solo traveler. Martial Arts made such a huge difference in my sense of safety and being able to take care of my self.
I actually trust myself as a Protector more than most men I meet no matter how burly and muscle bound they are, because weight and muscles can be used against a person if the attacker knows how to turn those things into a liability.

I think you are going to love Martial Arts! Look up various Martial Arts studios in your area and tour them, they'll let you sit in and watch a class. Look for the one's which the Instructor is very clear and understandable with directions, is respected but not too forceful with his students and makes everyone preforms to the best of their abilities by his or her charisma and belief in THEM. Also look for a styles there are many, which seems most intuitive to you.
I was good with high kicks so Ti_Quando was a good fit for me. But if you are fast and tiny you might like Kung-Fu or Jujitsu forms.
Karate Weapons is a great add-on later if you want to travel alone in dangerous counties as you'll learn how to turn anything into a weapons when confronted by multiple attackers at once. Explore! :)

You sound like a prisoner of your fears and anxieties. I cant imagine what it would be to live like you do but you are very brave to even get up in the morning. Fear is relative and what causes our fears are different for every person. Your fear level sounds very high-if not phobic. The fact that you get up and try every morning should give you some confidence in yourself.

Confidence is what you need and I agree with CrystalSong about the martial arts. Go sign up today! Like right now. I'd be willing to bet you would feel an improvement after your very first session.

Keep being brave. You're a soldier who is giving WAY too much credit to your enemies. One day soon you'll laugh at them and wonder how you were afraid of such pitiful things. Some enemies will disappear altogether.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by CrystalSong

I'm dainty and girly too, 100's of times in my life I've been asked if I was a professional dancer or ballerina.

The interesting thing about particularly Women's Self Defense course is that you don't need strength, you need quickness and leverage and a little understanding of the human body. Stepping to the right, grabbing a mans punching arm and bending over and he's suddenly flying through the air with no more strength needed that it takes to open a jar of jam is a phenomenal discovery!

You will learn that your elbows are an incredibly strong and sharp object you have on you at all times which can cause an attacker to loose all interest in you as they lay gasping for breath.

It's very empowering to learn how to use your own body and to date I've traveled 41 countries, 1/2 of them third world countries and 1/2 of them as a solo traveler. Martial Arts made such a huge difference in my sense of safety and being able to take care of my self.
I actually trust myself as a Protector more than most men I meet no matter how burly and muscle bound they are, because weight and muscles can be used against a person if the attacker knows how to turn those things into a liability.

I think you are going to love Martial Arts! Look up various Martial Arts studios in your area and tour them, they'll let you sit in and watch a class. Look for the one's which the Instructor is very clear and understandable with directions, is respected but not too forceful with his students and makes everyone preforms to the best of their abilities by his or her charisma and belief in THEM. Also look for a styles there are many, which seems most intuitive to you.
I was good with high kicks so Ti_Quando was a good fit for me. But if you are fast and tiny you might like Kung-Fu or Jujitsu forms.
Karate Weapons is a great add-on later if you want to travel alone in dangerous counties as you'll learn how to turn anything into a weapons when confronted by multiple attackers at once. Explore! :)

I am slow too with being reactive. I think this is worth a shot though. One of my deepest desires is to travel more and a hindrance to that is my anxiety issues that I was starting to overcome before the last two years when things started happening to close me up more. I love traveling solo. I love and miss being able to do things alone and having to feel like there's someone with me at a lot of different times so i don't get anxiety is very disempowering to me. It shouldn't have to be like that. The good thing is i remember moments of feeling more free when i was on the verge of being normal and even better then that because in some ways i was more confident then the average person because i had a trust in life to keep me secure. I am going to learn self defense and on top of that look into therapy and other forms of healing as well.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by life.love.regret.

You sound like a prisoner of your fears and anxieties. I cant imagine what it would be to live like you do but you are very brave to even get up in the morning. Fear is relative and what causes our fears are different for every person. Your fear level sounds very high-if not phobic. The fact that you get up and try every morning should give you some confidence in yourself.

Confidence is what you need and I agree with CrystalSong about the martial arts. Go sign up today! Like right now. I'd be willing to bet you would feel an improvement after your very first session.

Keep being brave. You're a soldier who is giving WAY too much credit to your enemies. One day soon you'll laugh at them and wonder how you were afraid of such pitiful things. Some enemies will disappear altogether.

It's at an all time high right now. I've decided to take small focused steps to face my fears. Right now,i'm making sure to not have any anxiety in daytime while in my home. It's an easy enough goal and two months ago,I had that. From there,once that's easy,i will be making more little goals doing the things i closed myself off from such as feeling safe at night in my home and so on. I've been trying to be more logical as well,too and seeing how ridiculous my paranoias have been. I can feel little by little the delusions slipping away and clarity coming to my life.

Originally Posted by annabelle239

It's at an all time high right now. I've decided to take small focused steps to face my fears. Right now,i'm making sure to not have any anxiety in daytime while in my home. It's an easy enough goal and two months ago,I had that. From there,once that's easy,i will be making more little goals doing the things i closed myself off from such as feeling safe at night in my home and so on. I've been trying to be more logical as well,too and seeing how ridiculous my paranoias have been. I can feel little by little the delusions slipping away and clarity coming to my life.

That's great to hear. You aren't as much a prisoner as I first thought. Get angry at whatever it is making you anxious (unless its a person that didn't know they were making you anxious of course). It didn't do anything to deserve that power over you.