How does one deal with being "the ugly duckling"?

[Akhu999]

I guess I have what you might call "the ugly duckling" syndrome. I'm very self conscious about my looks and a lot of other things about myself. Some of it may stem from childhood experiences, for which I probably need some professional counseling (which I am going to pursue when I can afford it) but I think a lot of it is just me, myself, and I. Being that as it may, not knowing the source makes it difficult to get a grip on. But my feelings about myself made me really antisocial. I mean, I could put on a smile and joke and goof around, but on the inside, I've felt so alone and isolated.

I've always been an awkward person--very "stiff", "dark" and somber, slow, clumsy, off-beat...with a very soft, higher pitched voice. Top that off with being aesthetically challenged and you get "weird". And that is what I've often been called--"weird", along with every other demeaning and derogatory name in the book. I've been laughed at and talked about a lot. Growing up, I was called "ugly" a lot, but I don't know how much of that actually plays into how I feel about my looks, because I've never felt physically attractive, myself, so I think people who called me ugly were just being honest in a straight forward and blunt way. I have this very young "baby-face"--narrow with a receding chin and forehead (as well as hairline), fat cheeks, with a big nose and big lips disproportionate to the rest of my face, and very subtle bone structure that lacks masculinity. Top that off with bad skin problems, uneven eyes and nevi (brown spots or "freckles") on the whites of my eyes and one big nevus on one of them. This is the cause of a lot of insecurity, for me. Even when people call me handsome, it doesn't mean anything to me because if I don't see it, then it doesn't matter.

I know it might seem vain, and I've heard it all before; "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "focus on what's on the inside", "be happy with the way God made you". But that's easy to say until you have to live with it. I've been trying to get into bodybuilding for the past couple of years, an often times, I would lose my motivation a lot of times when I'd get to the gym after seeing my reflection in the mirror; it was just really discouraging; I'd think "no matter how beautiful my body is, it could never compensate for this face. What's the use?" Sometimes, seeing my reflection has just brought me to tears. And I know I sound weird right now but I'm just being transparent. "Honesty is the first step, right? I hate that my self image bothers me this much, but it does. I try to ignore it but that's not easy. I know; I've dealt with it all of my life.

So, even though it doesn't take any kind of philosophy or intellect to move your muscles, it's impossible to separate your physical body from your mind, soul, spirit, etc...it's all a part of you; it's the parts that make up you as a whole person. I mean, when I'd be at the gym and go to the mirror and see "ugly" looking back, my energy would physically leave my body, to the point where I'd struggle making it home on the bicycle. My body would literally feel heavy, that's how I know it's not just in my head but it's a real energy.

When you're in your 30s with no license, no car, no place of your own, no GED, no job, no money, no significant other--never having had any of these things, having missed out on so much, it's really hard not to feel like a total loser and failure at life. Not trying to talk down about or berate myself but just speaking facts. That's why I said there's a lot of negativity around me, and it's really hard to fight against all of this bad energy that's been shot towards you, especially when you're trying to do it by yourself; I don't have anyone pushing me or supporting me in this, if anything, people are telling me bodybuilding shouldn't be a priority... At my age, though, I have to get something going for myself, as I'm way too far behind... and I know people say you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but that's really impossible because we're always comparing and contrasting... It, often, feels like I'm just too late and I could never catch up so what's the point (my reason for almost giving up, today)? Right now, I'm doing school and bodybuilding. I have goals I'm aiming toward; it just seems overwhelming and I often question if I can really handle it. I just need so much motivation to accomplish my goals and it's motivation that I don't have.

Now, if someone was to say "Complete this goal and I'll give you $300,000, that would be very motivating to me because it would put me in a place where I could at least catch up--get a car, pay off my debts, have money in the bank I could put away, and still have enough to get some medical procedures done as well as some of the cosmetic procedures I've been wanting for many years. Sounds vain, yea, but I would give anything to just be happy with what I see in the mirror. I don't have to have everything but just enough to be content/satisfied. Right now, that is a long way off, so I don't have a lot of motivation or incentive to draw on. I try to tell myself to "do it to prove them wrong!" but this doesn't really work when you can't even believe in yourself.

I even had an episode this morning, on my way to school. Just looking in the mirror almost ruined my day (and probably another year of my life) and made me want to get in the bed and lie there, drop out of school again, and leave this bodybuilding thing alone. But I did a lot of evaluating, measuring, etc... and somehow, I was able to force myself to workout a little, get dressed, and get out of the house. I don't know when trying to force myself will work and when it won't work, but I'm trying... I just really hate the way I look! I'm always conscious of how "ugly" I am and it's just a dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go; I really feel cursed. I lie to myself and try to convince myself that it isn't that bad but deep down I think I know the truth, and that is that I'll always be alone and no one (who I want to love me) is ever going to love me (the people I'm attracted to are out of my league); I'll always have to pretend just to be kind of accepted but I can't really give or receive love when I have so much hate for myself. I'm finding it really tough--if not impossible--to deal with this.

[knightofalbion]

So sorry to read all that. I can 'see' your anguish and how it has (negatively) impacted on your life.

Firstly, I NEVER use the 'U' word.

People who do use it, about others; in my book, it says more about them than the person they're doing down.

People who use it, about themselves' very simply, they shouldn't. Such thoughts are corrosive. As you say 'it's a dark cloud' that follows you everywhere.

I used to know a girl. She was Swedish and she was a model. A stunner, but she didn't rate herself at all. So you see, it's not an uncommon phenomena.

Obviously I've never met you. What you look like, I don't know. And I don't care either.
Whoever it might be, if they've got a kind heart, they're alright with me!

That's the key. Cultivate kindness, even if its just feeding the pigeons in the park. (They'll love you for it.)
It might sound like an old cliche, but if you're beautiful on the inside .... People will like you and eventually, you'll like you!!! And where there's like, love is usually lurking in the shadows.

Dear old St Basil said 'He who sows courtesy reaps friendship and he who plants kindness gathers love'. He knew a thing or two old St Basil.

This is probably not what you expected to hear, but trust me on this one.

[Theophila]

Oh sweetie, it hurt me to read this, it really did, because all this anguish in you is from in you hating yourself...
Yes, in today's world where we are constantly bombarded with what or how our lives " should " be as opposed to embracing the lives we have, it has bombarded you with a load of social weight psychilogically...
You listed every negative you have been programmed to feel as bad , but it's all wrong....wrong I tell you.

I have lived in a few countries and outside the USA for almost twenty years and let me tell you when I came back after a tragic event I had experienced all I can say is there is a phenomena here of superficial standards.....
I lived in countries where the lives there were simple yet I lived the best times of my life , to standards here I would have been considered poor...
But I lived joy, happiness and fulfillment in simplicity .
The materialistic attitude and career snobbery that goes on here is unbelievable.
Although I admire a good education and I respect people who have worked hard for a career, I don't respect the snobbery . Some people use their degree as an identity , and look down upon others that don't and it's painful and sad...
You need to look past that...
And it all starts from YOU!!! Yeah you!
First you have to remove every freakin drop of negative thoughts like that...
Go back to your core, your essence, what you were when you were a kid and before all the people junk was dumped on you...
If you don't get rid of that , then no amount of body building or money or career will ever make you your authentic you...
You are in your thirties?? So what, thirty is young and you can do many things in life ...
You need to stop focusing on all you see is wrong and start to build blocks with things that are right for you.
You must live somewhere and eat and have Internet to be on here so you have some form of support....
So you may just start by focusing on getting a job, any job for now, as being unemployed can really hurt your psyche...
Any job , will get you out of the house and you will feel productive..
Like starting up a car that has been sitting too long, you need to keep it running even if it's not going to where it wants to go yet...
Don't look at everything together , try to attain one thing, and then when that takes action you go in to the next.

The " having it all" package is not a recipe for happiness. Happiness starts from within and everything compliments it.
I just saw in the newspaper the news of a local woman's death yesterday.
She was 38, former beauty queen, was a dermatologist who was married to a handsome dermatologist with three beautiful children. She was found dead after a cocaine overdose...
She had the perfect life on the outside...so why did she do it?
Beauty does not bring happiness and any serious woman with some true values will seek inner beauty...
I'm a woman, and I'm telling you it's personally that counts first and foremost.
Number one turn off is a man who is not genuine.
I'll tell you turn ons....
A good soul, a thoughtful man, a man who respects a woman, who understands a woman , who appreciates a woman. A man who knows his qualities and builds on them, his virtues, his humor , his sense of self worth, his likes and dislikes( yes I like a guy who isn't afraid to be true to himself) his honor, his generosity( not saying he has to be a sucker and just give mindlessly, just not cheap),
Basically a man who knows himself, and is confident. Comfortable in his own skin.
I've met men who were not Brad Pitt on the exterior , but exhumed such confidence and personality that drew women like flies!
Charm, wit and passion for life.
I never looked at someone for his particular profession, I was just happy if he was passionate about whatever he did and took pride in work ,didn't matter what he did.
In the end , you , by developing your best self, you project that and what is right will be drawn to you.
You sound defeated and yeah, we women have a radar in us that senses that and this is the point!


How about for now you don't worry about the finding a partner part, and focus on building yourself, working on yourself and in due course ...it will come!
It all begins within you!

[wolfgaze]

Akhu, I can really empathize with your thoughts/feelings because for so much of my life I did not identify with my body and physical appearance - and it caused me a lot of hurting... It caused me to reject myself (well, who I thought I was!)...

What I'm about to tell you I know is not going fully register with you and I know it's not going to provide immediate relief. I know this because I remember what it's like to be experiencing a mindset very similar to yours...

You are not your physical body. You are not your physical appearance. You are not any of these physical features which you dislike and wish to change. You did not begin existing at the time of your physical birth into this world, and you will not cease to exist at the time of your physical 'death' and your departure from this world. You are having a temporary human experience in this physical reality (dimension) and your physical body is akin to a set of clothes that you are wearing. It's not who you are - it's not your identity, it's not your true nature nor your highest nature. By way of being born into this world and having this human experience - you were understandably conditioned to adopt the perception that you are your body, and that your physical appearance is who you are. We all experienced this. And you are likely surrounded by individuals who are operating with this certain (limited) state of awareness in which they continue to perceive that their physical body and appearance is who they are - their identity. It's an illusion! A very convincing one. It's not true! A group of people collectively believing something does not make it the truth!

To free yourself from this sense of bondage and this sense of imprisonment in a physical form which you do not identify with - you must complete the challenging inner work to undo this perceptual conditioning. You must engage in intensive introspection and contemplation. You must challenge everything you so strongly identified with and begin to break down the falsehoods and the illusions. You have to elevate and raise your state of awareness to the point where you will transcend your conscious identification with the physical mind and physical body as a source of identity. Trust me, I know this is much easier said than done - but it's absolutely achievable! You can do this. It's just going to take time, patience, and hard work. The reward for doing this will be liberation - freedom from mental suffering. You cannot put a price on that - it's the best reward you could ever imagine.

Because you are a member here on a forum dedicated to spiritual concepts and discussion - can I safetly assume that you are open to the possibility and perception that there is more to your existence than this physical world you find yourself experiencing right now? That you have a sense of identity which goes beyond the physical (including your body)? This is the Awareness which you need to continue to feed and nourish. You need to continue to direct your conscious energy to unlocking this perception within you. I know that reading my writing is not going to produce noticeable changes in how you find yourself feeling. And I know that claiming and adopting certain beliefs will not, in and of itself, yield the inner transformation and healing that you long for. This shift in perception is something that you have to work on and gradually integrate into your state of Awareness over a longer period of time. You have to employ introspection (deep reflection) and you have to set aside time for contemplation about ideas/concepts/perceptions which challenge you current understanding of yourself and your existence. You cannot expect immediate, overnight change and results. That's not realistic. But if you knew that you could take a series of small steps that over time would lead to dramatic and significant results - wouldn't you absolutely be willing to put in the hard work to achieve this? This is the mindse that you need to operate with. That all of your small efforts will stack up, have an aggregate effect, and eventually amass to a truly monumental change (transformation) within you...

I cannot sit here and give off the impression that I knew in advance how to heal myself and transform my state of awareness when I had lived a lifetime full of suffering and self-rejection. I didn't know until I experienced this path firsthand. And it wasn't like I had sat down and planned for this to unfold. There was one major life event that steered me in this direction and that was the sudden and unexpected passing of a loved one. A life experience which forced my hand and caused me to push my Awareness in a new direction and to head out into uncharted territory to see what I would find. I needed to explore and discover if I had an identity and an existence beyond the limiting confines of this physical world. And you know, what I found ultimately ended up healing me and bringing about an end to my suffering.

You may view your physical body as a disadvantage and as a source of suffering. But I perceive your circumstances as placing you in an unrealized, advantageous position. You can leverage these temporary circumstances you find yourself experiencing as a source of motivation and inspiration to embark on a journey of self-discovery. You can use your disidentification with your temporary physical form as a springboard for unlocking your highest identity and true nature. This dissatisfaction with your physical body can be your catalyst to push you in the direction of jumpstarting the process of spiritual awakening - which is ultimately one of purification, healing, and liberation. You will have reached a state of Awareness and state of being where you will be able to look in the mirror and know that the body you see looking back at you is not your identity, that it's not who you are - and in having this awareness there will be no more hurting, no more self-rejection and non-acceptance.

I know your physical mind is likely telling you that if you could just change X, Y, and Z relating to your external circumstances - then you would be free/happy/content. But this too is an illusion. It's not true. It's a story you tell yourself and it only seems appealing on the surface level. You can find people from walks of life, all appearances and life 'situations' - and no matter how much you may envy their circumstances upon first glance, you will find that they too experience hurting/suffering in one form or another. They too have their own fears, afflictions, insecurities, and self-perceived 'flaws'. The changes you need to make are internal ones. This is where your solution lies. Through altering your inner state you will consequently alter your perception of yourself, your existence, these temporary circumstances you are experiencing, and the whole world around you. Inner peace does not result from making external changes nor from manipulating your external circumstances, it results from making internal changes. I had to learn this the hard way - perhaps we all do.

My recommendations to you are to do your best to divert your focus and attention away from your physical body/appearance - and redirect your focus/attention inwardly. You have to push yourself to really question who you are, and why you are here. The answers do not come easily at first. Often times to find the truth you must first identify and eliminate that which is not true. You have to undo the conditioning, and discard the false beliefs and perceptions that you have adopted and identified with. Regularly set aside time to engage in significant contemplation. Find subject matters which really intrigue you and challenge your perception of reality. Explore books about the nature of consciousness and about the nature of the physical/egoic mind and how it influences us (I recommend 'The Power Of Now' and 'The Untethered Soul'. Consider making it a regular practice to journal and write down your innermost thougths and sensitive feelings/emotions. You don't even have to communicate that writing to anyone if you don't wish to - as just the act of writing things out will enable you to consciously process what you're experiencing inside of you, and this will have a therapeutic/cathartic effect. Consider exploring some type of meditative practice or adopting any practice which enables you to relax and calm the activity of your physical mind. You can research the benefits of cultivating a state of being wheer it is quiet inside (free of that incessant mental chatter/activity). Consider some form of regular physical activity/exercise (such as taking long walks or hikes) - try to immerse yourself in nature and the physical exertion will have a positive effect on your inner state of being. I don't know if you have any pets at home but animals can play a significant role in your healing process - they remind us how to love unconditionally and influence us to distance ourselves from our self judgements and criticisms that we cling to. These are just some suggestions - you will over time find what works for you. Try not to imagine that any one practice or activity is going to be your magic solution - rather consider your strategy to be one of a multi-pronged approach where a multiple of factors will contribute to your progress. Again, the notion of lots of 'little steps' (efforts) combining to lead to monumental gains.

I just want to remind you that you are not 'stuck' with the state of being and the way of feeling that you find yourself experiencing at this time in your life. This is not permanent. You will work your way through this and eventually transcend this state of being. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and dedicate yourself to putting in the necessary inner work that's required to take you beyond your former states of being. Do not relent, do not give up - keep going!

I'll leave you with this inspirational 10 minute video:

Sean Stephenson - 'The Prison Of Your Mind'
https://youtube.com/watch?v=VaRO5-V1uK0

With Respect,
~WOLF

[higherpower]

Practice smiling. Standing up straight. Lose weight if that's what you want. Smiling automatically makes anyone more attractive. Wish I had more advice for you.

[fennel]

Perhaps some psychotherapy would be helpful here.

Only you have to power to change your circumstances. I would suggest finding gainful employment for your first step. A job will afford you the ability to save money for driving school and an apartment, car, etc.

Each time a negative thought invades your mind, replace it with something positive. You MUST keep doing this- after a while, your whole outlook will begin to change.

I wish you the best.

[Tobi]

Only two words I know may help you:
Beautiful Thoughts.

You might not find that easy to do but believe me they are attractive. Please do try to let the sunshine in. One way or another. Live for something....whatever it is, study it and do your utmost best at it. That in itself is incredibly attractive because it is passion. It doesn't matter how simple it is. There is an old woman in China who is not beautiful, but she gives all she has to saving dogs from being tortured and eaten by people. She lives very badly and doesn't care, and an incredible beauty shines out of her whole body. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen.

Inventors, computer geeks, scientists, writers, movie directors....how many of them are physically beautiful? But they are attractive people because of what shines out of them through their passion.

I was reading something recently about how different people look in Spirit. Some very glamorous people in this world will not look that way in Spirit (depending on what is in their Hearts). And many 'plain' people who have beautiful Souls will look like Angels!
So it really does depend on what goes on inside of you.