I Am Afraid Of Who I Am Inside

[SeekerOfJustice]

I would consider some aspects of my intelligence completely off the charts such as spirituality and the like. I feel like at times, my truly remarkable intelligence of who I am (understanding my Self and my own nature) is a vile curse.

Being a Pisces (while I am a Pisces, the Pisces nature is a perfect descriptor of my nature-which is why I mention it), sometimes, I feel like I am the centerpiece to everyone's happiness and well-being and other times, I am my own wretched anomaly. One day, I am the sun of the world and the next, I am a fallen angel condemned to its' own fiery fate in a red lake of brimstone.

I feel like I understand myself almost too well in that when I truly access the dark parts of who I am (when I am thinking or meditating), I am utterly astounded (and even more disturbingly, comfortable with) by my latent, amazing capacities for cruelty and malice. I could witness a person being shot to death as though it were a warm summer breeze passing through me on a glowing summer night while fireflies shine in jars with their electricity.

Then there is the other part of me that seems to speak to God. This side of me is truly wise beyond words and seems to understand the totality of the universe as though it were an unimportant footnote forgotten, but lazily memorized-as though there were even more important things to think about-what would that even be? This me speaks with a unending Love and when I am this part of me, I cry for those who cry, am shaken over ants who are stepped on, and treat the smallest mustard seed with the utmost sanctity and reverence for life. This me makes my cruel side cringe in shame and horror.

But right now, I do not feel like the good me. I feel like as soon as my insane defense lets up even the tiniest bit, my dark side smiles with happiness and immediately tries to coerce me into becoming a cold, compassionate-less, evil thing that stalks others in nightmares... I feel like sometimes, I will disappear and no one will even take a second glance to see if something wrong.

I feel like I am an undead soldier that haunts the wasted battlefields of wars long over. The fight has faded, but my own internal fight, my lusting for my own fighting desire remains... Am I a good soldier? I do not like to fight or kill, but if I do not do it, there will always be another soldier in my place. Am I good if I save a child or innocent youth from what would have been their twisted, wretched destiny?

How do I begin to love myself and become my good, compassionate me when my darker side is always waiting to ambush me with hate? I feel like I am so "attuned" to myself that I have difficulties forming truly deep relationships with others in an intimate, partner-like way. I am so scared that this side might accidentally surface if something happens that I seem to instinctually or naturally avoid the deepest relationships I am capable of...

Don't get me wrong, I have indelible relationships with others, best friend connections that, in many ways, surpass some aspects of a marriage-we tell each other literally everything-the only limitation is the relationship not being an actual partnered relationship and tying the knot ;).

I feel like if I was less intelligent and had just an average quotient, I could be happy more often and not ever worry about the "abstractness and mystery" of "what's out there" and the "being-ness" of the universe. I feel like I am at war with who I am, naturally stoic and perhaps, cold, and who I desire to be, or the good and noble aspects of my character which seeks to love.

To make it even more complicated, at the exact same time, I feel like this insane intelligence is also a gift because if I can hone it, I feel like I can truly change the world in a permanent way that is merciful, trusting, and loving of others-I hope to pave the world into a new era of thinking, a way that relies on love and trust, rather than our old and archaic systems of guilt and condemnation.

Any insights...? I want to be good... not bad...

Mike...

Who are You? If you truly have a remarkable intelligence of Who You Are, then surely these issues of a Good You and a Bad You should not even exist?...

Intelligence is not Wisdom, and Spirituality and the knowledge of Who You Are, surprisingly have little to do with your Intelligence Quotient.

Hi,

I'm pisces too by the way. Nothing can be truly pure and good ever. Where there is light, there is dark. So where there is a good person, that person has a dark side too. I know how you feel about helping others, I always seem to be the one doing the helping and caring too, but then people don't care as much about me as I do about them. Also, I like to think of myself as a good person. I always try to help others and do good. But I have bad thoughts in my head too. I think some really awful things, and I get bad things in my head. For example, you know the supersticion that if you step on a crack you break your mothers back? Well when I walk down a street and see a crack, in my head I repeat the saying step on a crack break your mothers back repeatedly, and imagine my mums back breaking. At the same time, this upsets me, and so I try my best to avoid stepping on the cracks. It's like part of my, the evil part is trying to make it come true, but the good part (main bit of me) is upset by this and trys to avoid it at all costs. I also get other bad things in my head, some a lot worse than that.

The important thing is, do you actually DO anything bad? or is it just thoughts? Because it's what you do that counts. The bad thoughts could just be a kinda counterbalance to all the good in you.

[SeekerOfJustice]

No, I've never actually done anything seriously bad such as breaking the law or attacking someone... I guess it's all just in my head. Still doesn't make it any less real though...

Mike

you have two choices what to do with your gift. its easy.

become a saint
or a sorcerer

join me. tread the path of sainthood. nobility, righteousness.
there is going to be a spiritual evolution soon... but that means more sorcerers.... not many want the sainthood banner anymore.

be good or be evil.
this world or the hereafter.

take your pick.

i need good strong spiritual masters.

ahhh i read you quotes from he bible.

so saint huh? welcome.

do u known the path? to seek HIM, the glorious, most wise.

you have what it takes... you just dont know the road to travel on yet.

remove all evil from you, in your heart and mind. dont indulge it.

dont let satan the accursed or the evil in your own self win.

i am here.

Never be afraid, you will find your way. No matter how hard the road is.

I wouldn’t worry too much about your ability to imagine great acts or cruelty and evil you’re human after all, welcome to the club.

I to have what others have sometimes described as an unhealthy interest, knowledge, and enjoyment of all things macabre, but I am yet to act on anything that has drifted into my imagination.

When I use to suffer with insomnia I was taught many techniques to help me sleep but the one that worked for me was to effectively create a story/film within my imagination that I can even star in or simply watch from the sidelines. As strange as this technique must sound it works by effectively switching the focus of the mind away from ‘ARRRR I CAN’T SLEEP’.

Anyway the reason I have briefly described the above is because my imagination done one of two things while attempting this technique, I either created very realistic sexual fantasies with women I had an attraction to, or my story/film was always sinister and “evil”. Obviously without being crude when I was thinking about sexual elements I wasn’t drifting off to slumberland, instead I was doing mans 2nd favourite pastime…… now as fun as that is it wasn’t helping my insomnia so I concentrated on the sinister thoughts and started to get a good night’s sleep.

I was quite unnerved initially to find that what helped me sleep would cause terror to others, but in reality why? I am in the most part a normal person, I am capable of great love and tenderness and those close to me see this in action, but it also lies within me to do monstrous things, as it does in all of us.

When speaking to a few practising Satanists* about this they really nailed it for me, without drawing out this response any longer I will just summarise what their interpretation was, but in essence they said we are all humans but we are all wired differently, some people like ice in their drinks others do not, possibly my way of balancing my soul was by acknowledging the darker side of my humanity outside of reality and that this balance including a better night’s sleep helped makes me a better person, and maybe I could go one step further and channel my imagination to entertain the section of society that like a “fright”.

We beat ourselves up as humans far too much for actions or thoughts that our not worthy of such harsh judgments, religion is partly to blame for this but that is a different rant for a different day.

Don’t be afraid of yourself inside or out, accept it, enjoy it, be proud of it, channel into something constructive, and your be a happier being spiritually and physically.


*True Satanists are not teenagers sacrificing chickens trying to summon Lucifer.

[SeekerOfJustice]

Thanks guys. You are all so great...

Mike