Hard to forgive

Have you ever felt that someone wasn't there for you when you really needed them? This person may in fact consider you their friend, but they weren't there for you when you needed them and they don't realize that so you just don't feel close to them. You don't hate them and don't want to dismiss their friendship, but a powerful aversion arises within you when they are around because you simply associate them with pain. They do not think they did anything wrong and so they do not think to ask for forgiveness. To be fair I tend to keep my struggles to myself, so it would be hard for them to know, but they could have intervened and they chose not to. That much is certain. I am struggling with this with two personal friends one close one more distant and one family member. I think if I were to explain my feelings to them they would become defensive and attack me and to be honest that is why they could never have been there for me in the first place.

[Serrao]

True forgiveness is a very beautiful virtue and it expands one's understanding and compassion.
It also keeps one's mind free from negative thinking and one's heart free from darkness.
When one can truely forgive, one becomes a peacemaker.

[Mysticvic]

Originally Posted by Ummon

Have you ever felt that someone wasn't there for you when you really needed them? This person may in fact consider you their friend, but they weren't there for you when you needed them and they don't realize that so you just don't feel close to them. You don't hate them and don't want to dismiss their friendship, but a powerful aversion arises within you when they are around because you simply associate them with pain. They do not think they did anything wrong and so they do not think to ask for forgiveness. To be fair I tend to keep my struggles to myself, so it would be hard for them to know, but they could have intervened and they chose not to. That much is certain. I am struggling with this with two personal friends one close one more distant and one family member. I think if I were to explain my feelings to them they would become defensive and attack me and to be honest that is why they could never have been there for me in the first place.

people are very judgmental the more trials I go thru its so obvious. The good thing is that it has helped me not to be that way. I too am a loner. The few times I have actually reached out to people for help/support (because really we all do need each other) it fell on deaf ears. the ones that I could eliminate from my life I did because they just proved to be dead weight. I could never at this stage in my life turn a deaf ear to a cry for help - this world is ugly but that was predicted long ago. All I can do is press on each day sometimes a minute at a time and hope things will change.

[kkfern]

hmmmm forgiveness was my new year's resolution this year. in an attempt to learn more about forgiveness i have looked at it from many angles.

one angle is that you might need to learn to not look for help. you could need to learn to depend on yourself. especially since this is a repeated pattern in your life as there is more then one person involved.

another angle is to learn a peaceful resolution. ask the other person about it. ask do not accuse. then wait. wait for the answer instead of allowing your mind ot start the chatter about how you were wronged.

i am sure you could think of a few things to ask yourself about this also.

kk

[skygazer]

this is by no means easy to do but it may help you to begin the process of forgiveness:

when you became hurt for the lack of help offered you became identified with how their actions made you feel.

so it is now no longer the thing they did/said or didn't do/didn't say, it is all about how you're feeling because of it.

focus instead on how does the person treat others, their insecurities, poor communication skills, maturity level...you get the point.

try to distance your feelings from it all. it wasn't personal, it was about them not you.

in future, lower your expectation of these people.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by Ummon

Have you ever felt that someone wasn't there for you when you really needed them?.

Hi Ummon.
Hahaha, I think I am now an expert of forgiveness (a lot because of ACIM)...anyway, lemme tell ya, We know very little.
That's why Jesus said don't judge! Because we are so clueless.


Straight talk is, you have no idea what was going on in their heads or lives or who they even are!!
In another life you could have let them hang..so what they did now is minor!
Just love them...that is all we are here to do...not judge, criticize or be angry with
our neighbor...the instruction was twofold...Love God, love your neighbor...
drop it completely, take the high road and see how it feeeeels...because it feels great to take the high road, always.
It's in the past, the past doesn't exist, you had an expectation, well, they are not here to fulfill your expectations...
be free and happy and let it go.
(Try it and see!)
It's only the egoic mind that is hanging onto anything...why?
To keep you from your Goal of Truth, Joy and Who you really are!

Anything not of love is the lower ego self....sorry, but true.

Some good posts above!


Oh and then you have Babaji from Lovetruth:

Dear ones, whatever it is that holds you back from
accepting and giving love is but an illusion.

[Mr Interesting]

I have a loose bunch of friends and I seem to be helping them all the time but at the same time I'm somewhat adverse to seeing it as help simply because if I did that I would start expecting something in return, or, at least, of having to see what they offer in the light of what I might see as help.

Then it's all quite nice as I'm able to just simply be me and offer what I can and they can be them and offer what they feel is appropriate and I can actually see that because I'm not blinded by my own expectations of what I want from them.

And one of the prime things about being spiritual is humility which often simply means we work harder than we might be expected to and receive little reward, as normally construed, for that going beyond the accepted call of duty but keep doing it anyway and funnily enough rewards actually appear... but not as we might have known them.

So bite the bullet, as it were, and potentially realise that in seeing you yourself are not receiving help is not a call to find help but dig deeper into your own strength to find you can actually give more.

One of the ultimate goals of spiritual growth is to not feel like you need someone else in the first place. You can never expect anyone to do anything for you or you will be constantly frustrated. The idea that someone should or shouldn't do something will inherently cause frustration.

That is not to say that people won't be there for you when you need it, but it is best to learn to be ok with however it turns out.

[Serrao]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

Dear ones, whatever it is that holds you back from
accepting and giving love is but an illusion.

I was reading this quote and suddenly saw only the second line.
Very freeing thought that was for me.

What I thus saw was:
Accepting and giving love is but an illusion.

The same counts for hate and other negativity; all illusions.

[Golden Eagle]

Originally Posted by Ummon

Have you ever felt that someone wasn't there for you when you really needed them? This person may in fact consider you their friend, but they weren't there for you when you needed them and they don't realize that so you just don't feel close to them. You don't hate them and don't want to dismiss their friendship, but a powerful aversion arises within you when they are around because you simply associate them with pain. They do not think they did anything wrong and so they do not think to ask for forgiveness. To be fair I tend to keep my struggles to myself, so it would be hard for them to know, but they could have intervened and they chose not to. That much is certain. I am struggling with this with two personal friends one close one more distant and one family member. I think if I were to explain my feelings to them they would become defensive and attack me and to be honest that is why they could never have been there for me in the first place.

It is not the "other" that needs to forgive here ..... it is you , but you need a better understanding of forgiveness , wants , thwarted wants, and that will take some time and effort on you part. It is no one elses responsibility to "be there" for us ..... that is a gift and awesome when they are but it is not an error to not be there at the whim of another. I would never place such a demand upon you or any ...... yet may feel hurt if one is not there for me when "i want (it is not a need)", that is quite normal ..... clinging to it as an error on the part of another is actually my error or your error in this case . You want them to "ask forgiveness" when it is you who is "Judging" and making the error. How do i know? because i just cleared myself of this very error by forgiving myself and no longer judging my friend....... but i had to face my fears of losing her and being open and honest with her to REALIZE i had made the error!

Some awesome works in helping our consciousness to understand this lesson:

A Course In Miracles
The Works of Vernon Howard
Teach Only Love by Gerald Jampolsky