awful issue showing up at work

[CosmicWonder]

Hey everyone,

At work I have a problem I find deeply awful. I have an issue showing up, namely. I show up about 50% or 60% and its too less, surely know how little hours I work. I do not get paid at all, but I need to get this right together with next steps before getting a more serious job.

I feel guilty and ashamed showing up so little. I work for people with a mental disability and my only task is to have a nice chat and give them attention and lend a listening ear. Anyone who has worked in this particular field may know that it can be a bit more than that. But it is a very easy task packet for me. I have the natural caregiver presence and I have the right energy. I can deal with the clients and I am very very appreciated. But if I only showed up more... But due to irrational situations, physical lack of resilience (ugh hatd to admit it) and too much troubles in my private, I each time have a reason to not show up, if which I really try to fix it everytime. I attempt to fix it through intuition, problem solving, lucid dreaming, asking God.... I try to grow as a person in it as well. However today had been painful for me. I spend my dreams and time until now to try to show up, and just failed. I am feeling sick, I have too much going on... And on top of that my gut tells me that I will be sabotaged by another irrational situation I could simply not work out because it will happen in the last monent and the energy is hidden. My intuition is 90% right of the time and very often spot on, to the point of frustration of other people (I learned to not say told ya so).

I really need some input. Of course validation is welcome, as I am working weeks to show up one day. But I also lack a resource for such problems, such as the right mentoring figure. There is a "no counseling rule" here, but maybe some general advice could work.

Kind regards,

CW

[AngelBlue]

Hi Cosmic.
You say you only show up 50 or 60% if the time but we don't know how many hours/ days a week you work ??
My initial thought is I'm wondering if the workload is just too much for you ??
Do you enjoy what you are doing?
If so , I would just be honest with the people in charge to explain how you feel and maybe they can adjust your work schedule.
Given that you are doing voluntary work , that in itself is commendable , and therefore I'm sure the people in charge can accommodate your personal needs and requirements too?

[CosmicWonder]

Hii AB,

Its laughable how little I work and dont get it right. I only work 2 hours a week, plus 30 min to 1 hour over time which is not in the contract. I do find the work enjoyable, but my heart wants something else. My heart says just get it right and see whats next (whether getting an actual job in the same org or something somewhere else). Basically there is stuff to finish but Universe wants it to be mere a lesson, while getting the job I was actually focused on just the job and not the growth. It is probably a stepping stone for me of sorts.

Kind regards,

CW

[AngelBlue]

Oh my goodness.
So you probably do about an hour a week with the 50, 60 % of "no show" ?
Dear me. What are you like ???
Not so much stepping stones but more like little tiny pebbles !!!
But that does not matter.
It really is all a step in the right direction of where you want to be in life . Baby steps Cosmic, and always remember , Rome wasn't built in a day !
The fact is you are trying and doing something when it would be so easy to sit back and do nothing.

[CosmicWonder]

Hii AB,

Yes agreed. I really beat myself up over it tbh. But I do all I can. Its so stupid. Why cant I just get it right??? Its always tearing me apart when I cant get the absolute basics right, despite utilizing all I have!!! Its so unfair. But its me. And thats the worst. But to be fair, where I came from, they thought Id never be able to travel by train/bus or at all do anything. So the tiny bit of the job I have shows great growth. But yes pebbles it is. Career isnt my best side.

Kind regards,

CW

[CosmicWonder]

I must add btw, I have been told I can never ever have a job due to my neurology. So comsidering that its at least a pebble.

[AngelBlue]

Ah bless you.
Let me tell you , none of us "get it right " a lot of the time.
Don't be to hard on yourself .
If I tell you a secret do you promise not to tell ?
Ok, so in all these years I only realised the other day that you can delete individual private messages and you don't have to delete the lot !!!!!!
And before, it took me months and months to realise you didn't have to press on every single page of a thread to reach page 216 , you could just press "last" . It was taking me hours to to get to the end of a thread LOLOL....
So there's no-one , and I mean NO-ONE as useless as me !!!!!

[CosmicWonder]

Ahhh AB I feel you :'( :')

Its like these little things!!! I know I am gonna fix this, but its gonna take a while. Today really trying to find the right metaphor and basic connections and trying to really ask for help.

[Hemera]

You sound really overwhelmed - are you an HSP? I don't use labels all that much but I think it can be helpful to know if you are highly sensitive because it can bring insight into why you might feel your energy is scattered a lot of the time. I'm similar but have health issues on top. I think AngelBlue has given you a lot of good thoughts and wisdom. I hope things get easier for you.

[CosmicWonder]

Hey Hemera,

Yes autism, so basically HSP plus some extra. I am overly intuitive, have a lot of weird gifts and my focus is scattered all the time. I am trying my very best on proper self care and planning my energy and time, which I get better at.

Kind regards,

CW