Kundalini and shadow work unveiled a lot about me

[Drayuda]

I have been going through a very exciting transition. Lots of insights, love, bliss etc...

Then I went quite deep into shadow work and I unveiled 3 events in my life which I am slowly learning to love so I can accept myself.

I just want to write about them to get them out and I guess part of me does want some feedback to know what your thoughts are.

Event 1 (I always knew this would need to be dealt with sooner or later)

My first sexual experience was with my brother. We just kinda played with each others penises and jerked them around. I never felt pleasure how I do now from sex and at no point did I feel the climax was coming. This felt like curiosity and exploration. This happened a number of times.

This was the event that stuck in my head - the one I thought oh no if this person keeps asking me questions they will see this in my eyes!


Event 2 (this was in my awareness somewhere but so deep I never thought about it. It didn't even cross my mind. The first event just seemed to cover it up so well!)

When I was 13 and was playing with my cousin's, one was 10 years younger.l, I touched/grabbed her backside.

No idea why, was not planned, it seemed out of character. I don't know why this happened. I never did anything like it again and I thought about it very rarely.


Event 3 (just when event 2 seemed the worst, this then appeared out of nowhere)

When I was 21, amidst a substance abuse era, anxiety depression, isolation (as I spent most of my time alone). My friend and his girlfriend used to stay round my house and we would take drugs together. One time when we all slept in my bed, I woke up and tried to move the girls hand to touch my penis. Instead I think the guys hand touched it. I then just sort of realised what I was doing and went to sleep.

Again, no idea why this happened, what was going through my head etc. I never thought about it, really...

I have calmed down more now but honestly the past month or so has been the most stressful of my life. I have brought up these events seemingly that I was unaware had so much hold on me and to be honest I wanted to die multiple times. The pain, shame and guilt was just unbearable. I am starting to come around to the idea that I did these things, yet they are not me, my circumstances may have explained the actions but do not excuse them.

There is just something seedy about it all. There's something I can't quite accept yet. It is really hard and I feel I need to tell people close to me.

I was going to tell my cousin and my friends but I've been advised again this online as it could just harm them (this was my dilemma. I want to talk but I cannot bring these people into it as surely it would cause them unnecessary pain).

Can anyone please help on how I can manage this?

I believe my dark side lies in not caring about people in any way as long as I get what I want at the time. Normally this comes out in stealing the last biscuit from a shared box which I can deal with, but there is just something so sneaky and cowardly about these acts which are difficult to accept

My sexual preference has always been women of my own age. I have already been through the hell of thinking I was a pedofile or some kind of sadist sex rapist freak. There is obsessive thinking in me which pushed me towards these areas but I also feel my brain just needed to exercise these ideas, no matter how painful and isolating the experiences were. Honestly my anxiety has shot way back up. I thought I had dealt with my troubles but it seems I just inadvertently buried them.

I really want to move through this and accept it.

I will do whatever it takes to feel self worth for the first time ever.

[iamthat]

I think you judge yourself too harshly.

Regarding event 1, it is quite normal when growing up to experiment sexually with others out of curiosity and exploration as you say. The fact that it was your brother does not make you a pervert. As children grow up they are naturally curious about their bodies. Your experience is probably quite common.

Regarding event 2, the fact that as a 13 year old boy you grabbed your younger cousin's backside does not make you a paedophile. Especially since it was not planned and you never did anything like it again. Boys of that age are driven by hormones and they may do stupid things but a one-off experience does not define who they are.

Event 3 - inhibitions are lowered under the influence of drugs, and if you were sharing a bed with two people then anything could have happened. And if you were feeling anxious and isolated then maybe you were driven by the emotional need for closeness as much as by any physical desire.

The problem is that now you feel pain, shame and guilt, and you are dwelling on these past events, perhaps to the point where you have blown them up out of all proportion.

So maybe work on acceptance. These things happened. Instead of feeling ashamed and guilty, accept that you did these things because at the time you knew no better. We all have deeper impulses which may make people behave in certain ways. Recognising these impulses is the first step in rising above them.

And you may feel the need to unburden yourself by talking about these events with your cousins and friends, but is this necessary? Unless other things happened which you have not mentioned, then was any harm done?

It sounds like the real issue is your feeling a lack of self-worth. The events you mention are perhaps just examples you dwell on as "proof" that you are a terrible person. Thinking of yourself as a paedophile or "sadist sex rapist freak" is taking it to an extreme.

I suggest that you look into the practice of ho'oponopono (my old favourite). This will involve focusing on each event and the people involved in the spirit of forgiveness and love. Then perhaps you can move on.

Peace

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Drayuda

I have been going through a very exciting transition. Lots of insights, love, bliss etc...

Then I went quite deep into shadow work and I unveiled 3 events in my life which I am slowly learning to love so I can accept myself.

I just want to write about them to get them out and I guess part of me does want some feedback to know what your thoughts are.

Event 1 (I always knew this would need to be dealt with sooner or later)

My first sexual experience was with my brother. We just kinda played with each others penises and jerked them around. I never felt pleasure how I do now from sex and at no point did I feel the climax was coming. This felt like curiosity and exploration. This happened a number of times.

This was the event that stuck in my head - the one I thought oh no if this person keeps asking me questions they will see this in my eyes!


Event 2 (this was in my awareness somewhere but so deep I never thought about it. It didn't even cross my mind. The first event just seemed to cover it up so well!)

When I was 13 and was playing with my cousin's, one was 10 years younger.l, I touched/grabbed her backside.

No idea why, was not planned, it seemed out of character. I don't know why this happened. I never did anything like it again and I thought about it very rarely.


Event 3 (just when event 2 seemed the worst, this then appeared out of nowhere)

When I was 21, amidst a substance abuse era, anxiety depression, isolation (as I spent most of my time alone). My friend and his girlfriend used to stay round my house and we would take drugs together. One time when we all slept in my bed, I woke up and tried to move the girls hand to touch my penis. Instead I think the guys hand touched it. I then just sort of realised what I was doing and went to sleep.

Again, no idea why this happened, what was going through my head etc. I never thought about it, really...

I have calmed down more now but honestly the past month or so has been the most stressful of my life. I have brought up these events seemingly that I was unaware had so much hold on me and to be honest I wanted to die multiple times. The pain, shame and guilt was just unbearable. I am starting to come around to the idea that I did these things, yet they are not me, my circumstances may have explained the actions but do not excuse them.

There is just something seedy about it all. There's something I can't quite accept yet. It is really hard and I feel I need to tell people close to me.

I was going to tell my cousin and my friends but I've been advised again this online as it could just harm them (this was my dilemma. I want to talk but I cannot bring these people into it as surely it would cause them unnecessary pain).

Can anyone please help on how I can manage this?

I believe my dark side lies in not caring about people in any way as long as I get what I want at the time. Normally this comes out in stealing the last biscuit from a shared box which I can deal with, but there is just something so sneaky and cowardly about these acts which are difficult to accept

My sexual preference has always been women of my own age. I have already been through the hell of thinking I was a pedofile or some kind of sadist sex rapist freak. There is obsessive thinking in me which pushed me towards these areas but I also feel my brain just needed to exercise these ideas, no matter how painful and isolating the experiences were. Honestly my anxiety has shot way back up. I thought I had dealt with my troubles but it seems I just inadvertently buried them.

I really want to move through this and accept it.

I will do whatever it takes to feel self worth for the first time ever.

Hi there.

Anything that you want to make peace with requires total acceptance. It requires no judgement and forgiveness to yourself.

So it’s a process whereby you attend to your feelings and the experiences in this way.

It’s about being kind to yourself, showing yourself understanding for what you now feel about all that.

The past arises to bring self love and self worth back where it’s been contained, holding onto feelings unresolved.

Look at yourself with loving eyes and compassion.

When sex can’t be talked about and explored openly, where children learn and become more aware of their bodies, through it’s changes around all sexual matters, with regards to feelings and needs they are going through, children/young teens often find themselves exploring in ways, that sets up many of these feelings your now experiencing. Unfortunately, you often then see, children exploring in ways that they regret later on. Setting up so much guilt and shame as you show.

You can’t change what occurred but you can change how you feel. Bring peace of mind to all this.



Nothing needs to contain you, everything we go through, no matter what that might be, is potential to become a space of growth and love deeper.

And that’s a beautiful thing to yourself and the world around you.

Hi there, welcome and thanks for joining the community.

Do you have any doubts about your sexuality or behavior/inclinations today?

Thanks,

Jl

[Drayuda]

Hi guys,

Thank you very much for all of the comments - they are very useful and are really helping me to understand.

So in response - these are all of the events that I am aware of.

The 'proof' of me being a bad person was mentioned here and yes, completely. You know what, that is exactly what it is. This is why I am wanting to vocalise it. Just to have it confirmed.

I have been through hell (really) the most difficult month of my life. I really really understand why people kill themselves now. I had 0 comfort. Pain 24/7. I would wake up and feel it, it would then gradually increase all day, I would occasionally cry a little bit whilst holding back at work, I would run home from work because I couldn't bear my own thoughts, I would get in and just cry from relief but also because the feelings were now intensified, which would bring on more pain. I shut myself off to everyone, did not want to sleep because I knew the pain would be there tomorrow and my dream were just me drowning.

Wow. And you know what? As soon as I got any sense of relief from this period which seemed infinite... I wanted to be back in it. I craved this intense pain. I wanted it.

I notice this with everything, every 'problem' I have in my life or body, I want it. From an egoic perspective I guess it is sadistic but yesterday I had a breakthrough with all of this. I have been gradually accepting these things and then I finally just went towards my worst fear (that I was a pedofile and a sadist/psychotic/sociopath of some kind). I just thought, why not? It feels as though I'm being guided towards this - this is the fear I have. What have I learnt recently about fear? What has fear and darkness brought me? It brought me into the light, into the peace and bliss.

Granted this wasn't my intention. I was terrified for weeks that this was the thing that I would discover about myself and that my entire life was just a big sick joke. This was the reason I had had all of these problems in my life.

I ignored all of that. Ignored all of the narrative. Well, not so much ignoring as just looking at this thing without judgement. As soon as I dropped the judgement and started inviting this thing in I felt this dark presence come over me. If I am to describe it, it felt dark, almost evil and all of the things I said it was, but really it was just me. It is nothing.

The more I brought this thing into my body, the more the orgasmic energy moved around my body, the more physical energy I got overall and the more I just started laughing and wanted to scream as if I had finally woken up.

I kept experiencing without judgement and it was incredible.

I did feel a bit possessed but I stay with love and acceptance the best I could but mainly just non judgement.

And what did this thing want to do? Nothing. It didn't want anything. It just wanted to be heard.

The ego - haha wow!

From past realizations I can only say the same thing again. Look into the things that trouble you the most. Let them be experienced without judgement (removing the ego's projections) and from there you are bound to find truth, experience the self/divine, whatever you want to call it. I'm done judging and trying to label things right now. My brain created this monster. Now I am working with it, it is me, there is no monster. There is no separation. It just wanted a voice!!!

I have a lot more work to do of course and I will be going as deep as possible but this time I will check myself on my general mental health/wellbeing as honestly I was being hit with suicidal thoughts quite a lot. Also I had a really bad pressure headache that lasted throughout the past few weeks. Well when I let this thing finally have its say, I felt the headache being softly, energetically fragmented, dispersed.

I honestly feel as though this was a huge teacher for me. I have been arrogant and in my ego for quite some time now (even using spirituality to make myself seem more 'advanced' than other people). Well the universe knows how to seemingly kick you into place. I was on the path, I was feeling peace and joy, learning about myself, this was finally IT. I was finally having an awakening and it was amazing. Then the awakening becomes that I am a pedofile!! Wow, talk about a plot twist.

Of course this was not true and I started understanding that none of it is true, none of the narratives we like to fill our minds with.

The biggest thing for me has been pointed out - worthlessness. This is the thing I am scared to let go of. Right now I am completely ready to go in and face it but I will not do this arrogantly again lol.

Thank you once more. You cannot understand the value of receiving feedback like this. Again, I have a lot of work to do. I need to understand this side and integrate it. There are great tools here.

[Drayuda]

double post -sorry

[running]

Originally Posted by Drayuda

I have been going through a very exciting transition. Lots of insights, love, bliss etc...

Then I went quite deep into shadow work and I unveiled 3 events in my life which I am slowly learning to love so I can accept myself.

I just want to write about them to get them out and I guess part of me does want some feedback to know what your thoughts are.

Event 1 (I always knew this would need to be dealt with sooner or later)

My first sexual experience was with my brother. We just kinda played with each others penises and jerked them around. I never felt pleasure how I do now from sex and at no point did I feel the climax was coming. This felt like curiosity and exploration. This happened a number of times.

This was the event that stuck in my head - the one I thought oh no if this person keeps asking me questions they will see this in my eyes!


Event 2 (this was in my awareness somewhere but so deep I never thought about it. It didn't even cross my mind. The first event just seemed to cover it up so well!)

When I was 13 and was playing with my cousin's, one was 10 years younger.l, I touched/grabbed her backside.

No idea why, was not planned, it seemed out of character. I don't know why this happened. I never did anything like it again and I thought about it very rarely.


Event 3 (just when event 2 seemed the worst, this then appeared out of nowhere)

When I was 21, amidst a substance abuse era, anxiety depression, isolation (as I spent most of my time alone). My friend and his girlfriend used to stay round my house and we would take drugs together. One time when we all slept in my bed, I woke up and tried to move the girls hand to touch my penis. Instead I think the guys hand touched it. I then just sort of realised what I was doing and went to sleep.

Again, no idea why this happened, what was going through my head etc. I never thought about it, really...

I have calmed down more now but honestly the past month or so has been the most stressful of my life. I have brought up these events seemingly that I was unaware had so much hold on me and to be honest I wanted to die multiple times. The pain, shame and guilt was just unbearable. I am starting to come around to the idea that I did these things, yet they are not me, my circumstances may have explained the actions but do not excuse them.

There is just something seedy about it all. There's something I can't quite accept yet. It is really hard and I feel I need to tell people close to me.

I was going to tell my cousin and my friends but I've been advised again this online as it could just harm them (this was my dilemma. I want to talk but I cannot bring these people into it as surely it would cause them unnecessary pain).

Can anyone please help on how I can manage this?

I believe my dark side lies in not caring about people in any way as long as I get what I want at the time. Normally this comes out in stealing the last biscuit from a shared box which I can deal with, but there is just something so sneaky and cowardly about these acts which are difficult to accept

My sexual preference has always been women of my own age. I have already been through the hell of thinking I was a pedofile or some kind of sadist sex rapist freak. There is obsessive thinking in me which pushed me towards these areas but I also feel my brain just needed to exercise these ideas, no matter how painful and isolating the experiences were. Honestly my anxiety has shot way back up. I thought I had dealt with my troubles but it seems I just inadvertently buried them.

I really want to move through this and accept it.

I will do whatever it takes to feel self worth for the first time ever.

the title says kundalini. if thats what your going through part of the process can be things coming to the surface to clear out. im not going to comment on the drama as its not about what it is but that it clears. the more power you give it the more power it has on you. whats of value from the perspective of clearing through as things arrise in a kundalini awakening is that it clears. one may go through life times of drama to clear. its NOT ABOUT WHAT IT IS. ITS ABOUT IT BECOMING CLEAR. so that the current of kundalini can make a home in you. it is a current and must roam through the system. if something is in the way it will come up to clear.

again im speaking to the kundalini process.

[iamthat]

Hi Drayuda

It sounds like you have been going through a breakdown as part of your spiritual journey. All the old things in your life which no longer serve you are being pushed to the surface to be released. It is rather like a growing snake which sheds its skin, which has become too tight and constricting. This may feel like hell, but you will come out the other side feeling clearer and lighter, as you describe.

We are sometimes afraid of our shadow side, afraid of what lies within us. There is no need for such fear. If we can embrace it all, knowing that whatever we find within is not what we are, then we rise above it. We accept it all without judgement, and this allows us to accept other people without judgement, because we realise that at a basic level we are all the same.

Peace

[running]

also it could be helpful to know that when things arrise from a kundalini awakening the emotions and mind can feel like the thing that arrises is in the center of the universe. it is not. its just the mind and emotional body become a bit hypersensitive. due to so much presssure working its way through the system.