Hello SF Community

[SemperVI]

A dear friend of mine sent me a text today asking a very good question that I was hoping to get other's thoughts on before answering it.

Hey. I got a good noontime question for ya... two actually. What's the difference between compassion and victimization. And...what is the root of placating?

I am wanting to provide a thoughtful answer and figured I would ask others what their thoughts are. This question is coming from a place where this very strong woman is dealing with some tough issues.

Thanks for your consideration.

[ThoughtOnFire]

Stepping outside of the situation and being non-biased could reveal whether it's compassion or victimization.

What is the difference between compassion and victimization?

Firstly, compassion goes both ways - to ourselves as well as to others. With this in mind, then the difference between compassion and victimization is the ability to set healthy and fair boundaries.

A loving parent is not the one that gives a child everything they want and never says no to them, nor the one that tells the child what they need and controls them with unobtainable rulings. It is the one that sets clear and fair boundaries and demonstrates that actions have consequences, without cruelty. The only difference between that and an adult relationship, is that adults have equal responsibility for being clear and fair, and have ultimate responsibility for their own actions.

what is the root of placating?

Placating is a survival instinct.
Almost all pack animals will have some form of placating behaviour aimed at the dominant one because they need to be part of the family in order to get food and/or to be protected from predators.

Humans are not so different.

[Lucyan28]

About Victimization
Once I read in some thread an explanation of that, it's some kind of karmic cycle, for those who are victimized by one person or situation someday they will victimize another person, an awful cycle if you ask me. The way to go out of that cycle is to understand it completely, it is a matter of knowledge and wisdom to reach the step where you are no more part of that cycle.

About compassion.
Love, bunnies, hugs, puppies, cookies, monks in the tibet,

Peace and cookies !

Originally Posted by Lucyan28

About Victimization
Once I read in some thread an explanation of that, it's some kind of karmic cycle, for those who are victimized by one person or situation someday they will victimize another person, an awful cycle if you ask me. The way to go out of that cycle is to understand it completely, it is a matter of knowledge and wisdom to reach the step where you are no more part of that cycle.

About compassion.
Love, bunnies, hugs, puppies, cookies, monks in the tibet,

Peace and cookies !

Do you believe that's real?

[SemperVI]

Thank you all for your input :-)

[Lucyan28]

Originally Posted by Ivy

Do you believe that's real?

I'm not quite sure Ivy, I suppose it has some part correct and some part wrong. It depends of the particular scenario, if it depends of more circumstances then it would be nonsense to apply the "cycle of victimization" that I mentioned.

On the other hand I feel it has some part correct because if somebody hurt us, and if we react with anger after the event, we could use that anger and hurt the first person that crosses our path, I know this because I have done it. One day at work, a project manager was utterly unfair to me, in that afternoon I meet a couple of friends and I yelled at them hurting their feelings. So in that case, first the villain of the story was the project manager, but after that I became the villain of the story... I did learn my lesson from that, we can choose how to react to circumstances and avoid that cycle.

I'm only sure of one thing, it's not fair to create pain and suffering to other people including ourselves.

Compassion through victimisation is the greatest compassion of all and it's not so much of a difference as them existing as complimentary. We can feel compassion for another but if that person is a victim then compassion becomes much more real. Victimisation is a mentality and if people feel victimised then is there something else going on behind the mask? If we are here to learn, grow Spiritually and all the rest of it what happens to us is an opportunity to do just that and at the very least victimisation is about strength of character. It's an opportunity we can learn and grow from and when it becomes an opportunity it ceases to become a victimisation. We are not given any more than we can handle and when the going gets tough, the tough find what they need inside but sometimes it takes the hard knocks to manifest that.

Placating can be giving away our empowerment depending on how we placate people. If we do something to placate people even though we don't think it's the 'right thing to do' then wave goodbye to personal sovereignty, but sometimes there's a 'middle ground' that can ease the situation from a win-lose to a win-win. The middle ground is where both can 'save face'. Sometimes there is no placating people, then we reach our limits and either give away our empowerment or bring it to a conclusion and damn the consequences.

Originally Posted by Lucyan28

The way to go out of that cycle is to understand it completely, it is a matter of knowledge and wisdom to reach the step where you are no more part of that cycle.

Or just make the choice to step put of it.

Originally Posted by Ivy

Do you believe that's real?

It happens but it's down to the choice of the individual as to whether they step out of the cycle or become a victim to it, victim mentality is a strange thing and often people who think they are no longer victims become a victim of a different kind.

Originally Posted by Lucyan28

I'm not quite sure Ivy, I suppose it has some part correct and some part wrong. It depends of the particular scenario, if it depends of more circumstances then it would be nonsense to apply the "cycle of victimization" that I mentioned.

On the other hand I feel it has some part correct because if somebody hurt us, and if we react with anger after the event, we could use that anger and hurt the first person that crosses our path, I know this because I have done it. One day at work, a project manager was utterly unfair to me, in that afternoon I meet a couple of friends and I yelled at them hurting their feelings. So in that case, first the villain of the story was the project manager, but after that I became the villain of the story... I did learn my lesson from that, we can choose how to react to circumstances and avoid that cycle.

I'm only sure of one thing, it's not fair to create pain and suffering to other people including ourselves.

Yes, I'm with you on that. I don't believe in it being a karmic cycle, it's simply people reacting.

I don't know if you've heard of the drama triangle (basically, in any drama there is a victim, a hero/saviour and a 'bad' guy). In self-development, they are archetypes that can be found within all of us. And with balanced interpretation they can be applied to any situation.

Originally Posted by Lucyan28

I'm not quite sure Ivy, I suppose it has some part correct and some part wrong. It depends of the particular scenario, if it depends of more circumstances then it would be nonsense to apply the "cycle of victimization" that I mentioned.

I've spent a few years in the against child abuse arena and it seems to be more about the person rather than the circumstances, while there are those that carry on the cycle of abuse there are also those that break the cycle. Some victims declare themselves survivors only to become victims of their own mentality or the abuse manifests in a very different way, it's quite a complex subject.