What if ...

GalTrav · #1 20-10-2019, 04:26 AM

in the midst of all the chaos that you're going thru in life ... when not looking, you find the perfect one for you and it just so happens to be your married friend who is having problems with their spouse? You meet once a week and just have very long endless conversations about anything under sun. You find out you complement each other so much and are really compatible with each other. It's just so freaky meeting the one in such an unusual circumstance ...

#2 20-10-2019, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalTrav

in the midst of all the chaos that you're going thru in life ... when not looking, you find the perfect one for you and it just so happens to be your married friend who is having problems with their spouse? You meet once a week and just have very long endless conversations about anything under sun. You find out you complement each other so much and are really compatible with each other. It's just so freaky meeting the one in such an unusual circumstance ...

Unfortunately this often seems part of the dating process. People always behave themselves early in dating. They tend to agree with one another over an awful lot. One doesn't want to show oneself in a bad light after all! It's when this kind of conversation dries up that what they really share, what they're really looking for starts to emerge, and the fallout of their current troubles creeps into the interactions.

I've learned to be suspicious of married men. I'd sooner encounter one who is out for an affair, a bit on the side, than one who has spouse troubles but can't see a way through them. One who comes on with a wish to break away, sometimes with a genuine need to - their marriage truly isn't working - but you know they're going to bring their problems into your sphere sooner or later. It's the bored ones for whom the grass is always greener on the other side along with their excuses that seem the most specious.
(I'd better say I'd decline being someone's bit on the side!particularly at my age. There were perhaps times long ago when I might have succumbed but that's when I learned to spot trouble!)

How it is with married women, I don't know. It's dead easy to fall for one side of the blame game but I'm mindful that it always takes at least two to make a relationship problem.

Nice "what if..." and worth a good ponder.

Sunshine111 · #3 20-10-2019, 09:55 AM

I guess that goes, "What if she/he was not married" "what if she/he was not having marriage/relationship problems" , "what if you got together".

May I ask how long have you been "friends" up to now and how come , what do you think the reason is for not having felt what you described and like this all this time and throughout this time you have been "friends"?.

Ziusudra · #4 20-10-2019, 05:05 PM

Do cheating married men ever tell their 'mistresses' or 'temporary sexual or emotional flings' that they are in a happy marriage??

The rate of cheating married men marrying their mistresses is less than 5% - according to a British study that I read about several years ago.
And the failure rate of those marriages is extremely high, like in 95%.
Yeah, so the British prince who married his long time mistress is an exception.
But their relationship history is atypical than other 'affairs'.

Instead of being an enabler for this troubled married man, tell him to get some marital counseling ' WITH HIS WIFE'.
He needs a professional 3rd party to listen and to help him, NOT you who obviously developing romantic feeling for the man.

You may also benefit from therapy to figure out why you are focusing your energy on a married man.

iamthat · #5 20-10-2019, 06:56 PM

Your married friend is currently not available and if you get more deeply involved it will probably just get messy. So keep things simple. Circumstances may change. Life can take some unexpected turns. If you are meant to be together then it will happen when the time is right. Until then, be patient and remain as friends.

Peace

ocean breeze · #6 20-10-2019, 09:07 PM

Be grateful i met this person and continue to remain friends.

ocean breeze · #7 21-10-2019, 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

How it is with married women, I don't know.

Oddly enough, married women approach me, single women almost never do. And they definitely don't appear to be interested in just being friends. lol

vangaves · #8 21-10-2019, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalTrav

in the midst of all the chaos that you're going thru in life ... when not looking, you find the perfect one for you and it just so happens to be your married friend who is having problems with their spouse? You meet once a week and just have very long endless conversations about anything under sun. You find out you complement each other so much and are really compatible with each other. It's just so freaky meeting the one in such an unusual circumstance ...

there you shouldn't be judgmental about how they meant behave around you, i can see you're the source of their happiness

FairyCrystal · #9 21-10-2019, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalTrav

in the midst of all the chaos that you're going thru in life ... when not looking, you find the perfect one for you and it just so happens to be your married friend who is having problems with their spouse? You meet once a week and just have very long endless conversations about anything under sun. You find out you complement each other so much and are really compatible with each other. It's just so freaky meeting the one in such an unusual circumstance ...

The one??? Oh boy... you're putting a lot on a man who's not available only because you have a good connection.
You know, you can have this with a ton of people. You can have connection and chemistry with a gazillion people. It means exactly... nothing.
What makes it a relationship or not is connection, chemistry AND commitment. You may have the connection, maybe even chemistry, but you sure as heck do not have the commitment. He may have yours, you do not have his as he's not available.

And even if he was to leave his wife, it wouldn't go anywhere as it'd be a rebound fling for him. Bummer of rebound is that the other -you in this case- always ends up hurt while the other is off falling in love with the one they do want.

Harmony1007 · #10 21-10-2019, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalTrav

in the midst of all the chaos that you're going thru in life ... when not looking, you find the perfect one for you and it just so happens to be your married friend who is having problems with their spouse? You meet once a week and just have very long endless conversations about anything under sun. You find out you complement each other so much and are really compatible with each other. It's just so freaky meeting the one in such an unusual circumstance ...

People go through life having experiences like this with friends they ‘connect’ with. One of my daughters regularly does. Each time she comes home & tells me about ‘the one’. He’s usually married, in a relationship, or much older.

She ignores my advice & throws herself in head first. A few months later she’s caused more ripples, alienates anyone who tries to advise her but mostly hurts herself. She becomes fragile & the cycle starts again.

Just because we connect with someone on an emotional or even intellectual level it doesn’t mean we have to involve ourselves romantically.

As a wife of 24 years, having been up & down on all levels & seen how vulnerable my husband becomes when we have our issues, it hurts to see him suddenly connecting so well with ladies who are too eager to listen to his problems, which are often distorted.

A true friend would tell him to work things out, seek counselling etc. If there are children involved, well that’s a whole lot of trauma for them to deal with.

I truly wish you all the best & the courage to make the right decision. Look for the light & it’ll guide you.