Saw my TF 1st time in 7 months, 3 years after my psychosis.

[Edgarhansen1982]

I ’m a guy and the TF in question is a girl 10 years my junior. I chased her like nobody’s business 3 years ago to the point I had to go to the psych ward. Basically, at that time, she ultimately wanted to hook up after I questioned why she was talking to me (she initiated convo in 2020 after 2 years NC) and that is what she said (hook up.) I told her I was looking for a lot more. My memory is spotty during my psychosis (I’m bipolar 1) and I don’t remember what happened after December 2020 to become blocked by her and a changed phone number. One thing she did tell me was she’s not that great (in regards to dating seriously). I felt I was just let down easy for that excuse, but maybe that’s typical DM behavior of feeling not worthy?


So last night in my bowling league, she shows up to hang out with her mom and moms friends who are about 10 lanes down from where I am with my wife and team. Once I knew it was her, even after taking preventative Xanax on the off chance of her showing up, IT DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. My heart was beating out of my chest. I caught her looking at my one time and my gaze was not directly at her but in her general direction. She then came closer and spoke to a former neighbor of hers 2 lanes away while they both had a beer. I kept myself from looking up by burying myself in my phone when it wasn’t my turn to bowl.

She eventually left by the 3rd game. The neighbor she talked to bowled at the same time as me sometime in the beginning of the 3rd game. We both got 9 pins at the same or close to the same spot (the remaining pin.) what he said next triggered me. He said “I guess we’re twins huh?” I replied “yeah, I think so.” (I told my DM I thought she was my TF 3 years ago, something I regret doing, but during a manic episode, it’s nearly impossible to control yourself.

Did I follow good protocol? Since she has ME blocked, and apparently a changed phone number, it’s definitely in her court to speak to me if she had any desire. I respect her opinion to block me too much to break NC.

Today I’m still in a mess of sorts. Mind can’t stop thinking about her or replaying yesterdays interactions (or lack thereof.)

One of the main reasons I consider her a TF is because my spiritual side/chakra opened way up. I constantly think about God. Also, I’m a bit into angel numbers. Our days of birth are exactly 3773 days apart as well.

Do I just continue down my spiritual path and live my life with my wife (whom I consider to be a soulmate vs a TF) and whatever God has in store for my life in regards to the TF to just LET THINGS BE? Continue NC?

I also wonder if I subconsciously became the runner/DM because of how much I was trying to ignore her / not make eye contact. But since I’m the one blocked, SHE has to be the DM?

Thank you everyone in advance. I was a long time lurker before finally joining.

[Alethia]

HI Edgar

You know the spiritual journey can be very activating for so many reasons. You can chase after stuff, that you think are meant to be, you can think and make things be what you want and need. This whole twin flame thing as I’ve been reading about here, seems like another way to find yourself in it. It seems most are reaching for things out of reach which has me thinking, that it’s not about having, but maybe just facing yourself, letting things in you open up. Along the way, I’ve had certain people who’ve activated my essence so deep, I thought it meant something important. In fact it was important,to me and for me. I feel blessed that there are and have been people and experiences that have really helped me unlock parts of myself that maybe I couldn’t otherwise. I’d like to say but it’s not for me to say, but maybe she’s like that for you? Sometimes it’s best just to ride the waves first, do what feels right for you and try not make any decisions until you get a bit more clear. It sounds like you might do well to just take care of yourself, just enjoy life and just see how you open up more so. I’ve really had to learn to trust me. Trust and listen to me. Listen to everything in me. I wish you well in all this, I hope you do what’s right for you.

[Miss Hepburn]

What's a DM in this story?...thanks.
And best wishes with this.
Welcome here - both of you.

[FallingLeaves]

i see a lot of myself in your story. I acted in a very similar way.

i came to think of mine as the DM(divine male) too. i'm male physically but I chased and she blocked. And besides I kinda like female attitudes mor ethan male attitudes and since she isn't around i get the freedom to think about my own life any way I want lol. I also think it much better, when I'm not myself trying to be in control of whatever this situation is which I associate more with female attitudes as well lol...

what i would say is, stick with what you've got. stay with your wife. If you are anything like me you need all the practice you can get in not chasing after the twin and if you do get back into chasing even with your mind/heart you are back down the rabbit-hole...

I think you are right, if she wants you she is capable of letting you know. But I also think, she has a mind of her own and you don't get to say any details about how/when/whether that happens.

[A human Being]

Just to clarify, I believe DM stands for 'Divine Masculine', not 'Divine Male'.

[Aldous]

Songs of lost love

Taylor Swift: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvVnP8G6ITs

[Eternal Flame]

Yes, Continue with your wife.

We are not meant to be with people who block and run, only those who are present.

It seems your mental health journey is also part of your spiritual journey.

Yes, we have people who spark awakenings and chakras stuff, but those are our inner things for us only.

It doesn't matter the label of the connection, if the other party is immature, avoidant, and running, Let them run.

We're right here. There is nothing to run from.

Our peace can only be inner peace.