Thank you RedEmbers, agree.
At least I learned a lot about myself I did not know before, like that I had a co-dependency and "hooked up" with men, serious relationships, they were seen as "independent" but selfish too in a way and I did not react. The attraction was there and it was mutual I believe but as the story goes it get to be winner-looser type of relationship, not one of equality. I was not badly treated at first, that took a while…they're on their best behaviors, why you can not tell what is to come.
My mom had a face that was not sensitive, a full blood sibling that they think was a psychopath or narcissist, something like it. But then there were other family members that were so gentle, so loving, so full of empathy.
The men in my mom's life were always nice to me, did not matter if she was in the room or not. I have been asked if there were abusive men in my family why I did not see it and I almost broke out laughing. I've never had a negative image of men, never been one of those who goes "all men are alike", are all women alike?? NO we are not so why should men be. Just like they think being a mother makes you a better parent. Eh- NO, sire it does not.
I remember she would dump men and not give them any kind of explanation why. Like zero emotional intelligence, maturity, just left them wondering, and when even I would ask and she would give me the reason I would be like Whaat...? You're leaving because of this???
and it was ME who would have these talks with these men, when I look back at it, how crazy wasn't that...
I think she taught me the wrong thing from early childhood -especially when my dad was out of the picture,to take more consideration to her and her mood swings, to help more (helping her more), to be the adult when the adult was no adult (she that is), to adapt...She was the only parent around, what was I suppose to do?
I know she got better with age and would later cry in remorse of how she had been. The damage was done.
Several would say we never had a mother-daughter relationship.
Later in life we had a sisterhood or friendship but it was never a mother-daughter one. Perhaps because she had not acted in all aspects like a mother should. The things she did to me, like silence treatments, shows she used tactics on me, on her own kid, because she wanted to dominate. She was saying I had a terrible temper. I did not have a terrible temper. I had a temper.
She used the same tactics on me the ex did and I accepted those in a way and in another I did not but they were normal to me. I did not react at the first round. When I should have. When I should have been taught. NO, this is not OK. My own parent taught me to accept abuse. When I should have been taught the opposite.
You go where home is and that is what I have done before. My ex and my husband - they are not sensitive as in the face giving them away and that was normal to me, home to me. I didn't react.
But we all got our limits and I can remember the exact time when it dawned on me that they wanted me to get a rough deal, when I stood up and said no more. When I could tell it was selfish and projection. That they were the ones with the problems, and not me and I was not gonna be punished over it. Something just made me go No Way. Just no freaken way.
A lot of the rocky-iness in my marriage was when I became more aware and set boundaries I had not set before. But good came out of it.
Found out about the autism-aspect, there's help if you need it and today the relationship is working fine, but as the saying goes our old marriage is dead, it's gone. But I do not grieve that marriage. It is real good that one is gone. It took work but we got there.
He is so different and the future looks bright, I too have changed and working to improve myself, here and there even if he says he thinks I'm great the way I am. It is almost as if we are 2 different people now, a different couple.
As for the ex I remember when he wanted to "fix" it (Yeah, right) that I knew you can't work with this. That he did not have the ability to change and I did not like him. I did not love him no more. Can't say if and what he was for sure but what ever it was - it was not for me.
I know I am getting off track, but here is a
link of an article I found useful, which is too a pattern I've seen in my own family and generations back. Interesting what you learn through pain if you don't give up :)
I have seen both the ex, the psycho that is, and my current (with the autism) different times react without fear paralyzing and saved the day, when others did nothing, including myself. I agree, I do think it is meant to be and it can be very, very bad, to say the least, in one situation and be actually very, very good in another. I can also pin point where I can tell my husband has empathy, when I could tell my ex did not have it, not that I could tell anyways. They're not the same.I am in no way saying having autism and being a psycho is the same thing, LOL. I hope nobody misunderstand me. Sometimes one can misunderstand because one does not see it, does not mean it isn't there or that it is for other reasons than my limited understanding goes. I can say lots of those things have happened because I did not understand and my own emotions took charge and I could therefor not tell.
I'm thinking I was meant to have these experiences and move on from them, turning the page, and like you say care about me in a way I didn't before :)
Linear Mode
