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Is this a twin flame connection? What is the best realistic judgement of the situatio
Hi,
Its been a long way...
I would like to offer my story and also ask for advice/help from people that might have a similar one, similar feelings, obstacles, doubts,... because im feeling in a real turmoil. I know im in a twin flames forum, so i suppose a lot of contributions will have that in mind but i would also appreciate a rational, realistic, humane, life experience contributions, that could unite both the soul connection/bond i feel with life realities and circumstances that many of us go through for the better or for the worst. No doubt i see in the person i love everything a twin flame connection is supposed to have, even more, pure friendship, soulmate, attraction, physical, mind and soul. It is the first time i write in this forum and that i feel the need to vent and ask for some help to understand and better deal with such overwhelming connection that i never ever experienced.
i believe this might be a once in a life time situation im living. Its really the first time i feel like this and experience something so intense like this. By the way im 38 years old, so im not a kid exactly anymore and she is also not. Im single and without kids (M38) and she is the one who has an autistic kid and reconciled (recently since April this year) or is trying with ex partner (they are not married i believe) (F37). We live in Europe in different countries.
We met online 2 years and 2 months ago more or less, on 14th August of 2021 in an app called slowly. At that time she was single mother with her autistic kid (7 years old at that time). So we started sending letters the first 2 months, then voice calls, then video calls, things evolved fast but steady, we felt something right away, something different, big, unique, magnetic. For you to have an ideia for almost 2 years we talked everyday! literally! This never happened to me, not online, not offline, not inline, ever. We were mutually hugely attracted. We shared life stories, our fears, intimacy, photos, videos, events, personal matters that not even to our own families or close friends were able to. She opened up to me to her disabled kid and her problems and issues.
She always told me that she was on the app slowly to vent and to find female friends not to find any love or men and i believe her. But things escalated and the following months/years were the most intense sharing i have ever experienced in my life. We had similar dreams, had same thoughs at same time, many coincidences, even physical traits,… when we met on the app in August 2021 she was already separated from her partner and father of her son since 5 years before. He was living and working in USA. The reason she told me for their separation was that he was not accepting well the disabled kid, was confused, started to drink, did not care much about helping her in taking care of him, was always going abroad in work projects, like a free thinker or a free bird,…. so she felt alone in a way and not supported. But back to the story we talked daily since 2021 without any disagreements, everything blissful and amazing. She had feelings for me and me for her, very intense, friendship, love, soulful, everything you can imagine. in all this time we talked about the possibility of meeting in person, we are more or less 3 hours apart by plane. But somehow i always felt she was a bit reluctant and afraid, she had bad relationships experiences in the past, but i will explain better in the following paragraph.
Until April 2023 when she sent me this message on viber app (M is me, N is her, and J is her child):
"Dear [M]
I am very sorry for reopening the last message I have sent you yesterday. First I thought, that being coward and to send just very brief message could be less harmful, but the other way is true. The idea that I have hurt one of the precious person in this word is killing me.
The true reason, why I decided to move is, that I found myself to love you so much, that I was not able to handle that anymore. You know [M], I am not a small girl and count things more easily. 90 percent of my day and night I found myself thinking on you so intensively, that I could not exist in my normal, real life. I need to move, because I have to focus to do not fail in my new job and keep my head clear for thinking. I have no idea, why the thoughts on you have such immense power over me. Its something I have never been experienced in my life. I failed I am so sorry.
You really deserve to know it.
The other thing is that I had a very long talk with [J] father (ex-husband) and I found it reasonable to give it a chance, mostly as a mother.
I had to make a decision, and put things on some reasonable rails, rational ones.
I can imagine how much I had to hurt you, but honestly, with any possible look, finding some reasonable solution in reality, how to do not get crazy, I had to do the most painful decision in my life.
You gave me so much and you will stay forever in my heart that is for damn sure.
I will be here for you forever, anytime you need me. But I cant keep daily base conversation. And its not, because I dont like you, but very strong vice versa.
It was very difficult to write you this letter.
But you deserve to know the truth.
My diamond.
N"
So that message was in April 2023. After that i had pain in heart, felt terrible, pretty bad, experienced pain i never felt (she told me she felt pretty much the same). From April to June we basically did not contact each other, i mean we wanted to, we felt to, and eventually we switched some letters and occasional messages, so we did not cut contact totally. With maybe the exception of June where we not talked for almost one month. In all this time we did not had any arguments or disagreements. Until i decided to go to her country in late June. Well maybe im crazy i know. But believe me im a cautious, respectful, correct capricorn, but what i feel for this women is the greatest love i have ever felt. More than love, friendship, passion, understanding, self sacrifice for her,… So i went to her country without telling her (yes i know maybe bad). When i was there i told her, she was surprised, but not upset or scared (we somehow always felt great trust and honesty between each other). But she told me she was not able to meet me even if she wanted much, because she was with her ill kid (broken foot), her partner and her sister that had a problematic situation. So i felt bad and tried to enjoy the trip as i could. But still we switched messages,… I came back to my country again and in July we started to talk regularly daily again (crazy isnt it!?). And august came and we continued to talk regularly, and september came and the same,…
Until in September i ask her again would you like to met. She said yes, but i suppose in a more friendly manner from her side, as she told me (but its clear its way more as we experienced in person). So this October for the first time we met in person in her country. It was the most amazing experience ever for both of us, unbelievable, the greatest bond i have ever felt, it felt so natural and blissful (once we were walking and she spontaneously grabbed my arm tight). But she was holding her feelings, even if she would touch me and smile. I was holding hard also. On the last day eventually i hugged her in car and caress her in car gently and she also, but she said “M i dont wat to hurt you”. After that event the following day i came to my country, both broken hearted, and we kept talking still by messages until actually today. I was crushed but still she sent me this message on 15th October:
“When i was leaving you the last day and caress your fluffy curly hair, i could not stand your sight reminding me, how much i hurted you. Your straight looking sight was telling me to leave the car imediatly, even if i longed to hug you for the last time… My aim was not hurt you and be absolutely honest, because i really value your kind and innocent heart, to swear you something im not able to offer now. The saying i see you as best friend may evocate you that somebody does not or cant love you, but sometimes in real, when somebody really take you as his best friend is much more that whatever false in this world. You give me absolute feeling i may rely on you, and find your warm hug when no one has understanding for me… lift me up with your sarcastic jokes, advice me when desperate, and make my day brighter then it even is. Would you lie or play with such honorable and valuable person for you… Many people are not able to say they have found someone like that in their lifes… I love you M from my whole heart, your basic up to your upper layer, i feel you very special, almost magic. The day of your leaving i was fighting with myself to not call you or write you, to do not hurt you even more… I went to shop and shop women gave me a 2 euros coin back, right into my palm, with the picture on back side… and it was from your country…very hard to find here… I had such shivers on my neck and back…like a sign… believe me or not!!! Look M, im not dreamy or stupid small girl… Iam very rational person, even if sniffing here and there on esotherics… no seeing you, no hug with you, no smell, voice or touch brought me what brought me the touch of your palm to mine. Like when you make a mark, and try others and put into yours back… that confort, home, familiar, warm feeling with other strange, unkown ones,….”
So basicly we keep talking until today, but i cannot hide so well my feelings and is killing me inside. She is a strong women and very capable of hiding her feelings if must be, even if they slip from time to time. I know she loves me and i love her much, but i believe she really committed and promised the father of her son to try to solve their relationship somehow mainly because of their disabled child. She told me she sees him more as a friend (the child father) and that he changed and now cares more for the child. None the less she also noticed that he did not fully committed to what he promised to her. He told her he would find job in her country again and would permanently be there with her and child. But it seems that he is still going abroad for long periods, like one month, and leaving her with child again. Maybe she accepted that i dont know. She says he is a nice guy, she also told me she is a bit traditional in the sense maybe she only sees the father of her son accepting their child disabilities. She is afraid to commit again to other person because of bad past experiences. She is afraid of loosing friends or her life goes upside down if she accepts a new person in her life. She has many fears and barriers. Im the single one so maybe its more easier to me. They are not exactly living together now, also because he is abroad. She told me they were thinking about it. This is a very complicated, frustrating, agonizing situation, specially for me. I never loved someone so much, but she has a lot of weight in her shoulders and she promised to him. In fact she promised to him in April that she would not contact any previous relationships and he also promised her that. But here we are talking again…. I think she sees her reconciliation as a last attempt to have a normal family life with someone that at least is familiar to her, accepts her child, knows her family and friends, and not put her life upside down somehow with new things even if the bond is huge. Also from what she told me her ex as a problematic past, with death of his mother that was alchoolic,... so i sense that makes her have somekind of consideration for him somehow or feel a bit guilty dont know. She is very rational, steady, strong woman.
So this is the story and this is where we are. And we still talk daily until today… crazy stuff i never been in anything like this before in my life, nor friends, nor lovers, whatever. We just cant pass by without talking! I dont exactly know what to do, what to expect, if i should expect,…she seems to be forcing her mind (like she once said) to see me as a "special friend" or "twin soul" (in her words), and still seeing how the reconciliation goes (dispite saying she misses me until today,...)…. I know she wants to keep talking with me for sure. I really am lost. I like her much, but cant do much i believe, have to respect somehow the situation, her promise and agreement with child father. This is frustrating and crushing me.
What you people think, can this be considered a twin flame bond? is this just psychological (in my head), soulmate, karmic,.... What the hell is this connection, where we cannot get enough of each other, like we need each other almost daily for so so long, feel each other, have coincidences, dreams, similarities, understanding, deep longing, sharing our life events and daily life, personal struggles, she even shares with me much of her child routines, how he is doing, how he is going and developing,... Should i try to damper my feelings (pretty much impossible to control) and try to remain in friendly connection and see how things go without obviously interfering in her personal matters with ex? I believe as a considerate and respectful person i should respect her decision for trying to reconcile with her ex partner and that i should not interfere. But why do we still getting pulled to each other? We confessed to each other many times that we dont understand this so strong connection. Am i living a fantasy in my head? Should i expect anything from this? This woman is so special.
Thank you in advance for your comments and advices. My family are not aware of it (maybe my brother a bit). In her family i believe her sister, mother and best friend are also aware of the situation, but in any case maybe not in its fully deep extent. None the less i know her sister and best friend advised her to at least try to reconcile because of child (she told me she was crying to her sister when she took her decision, like has never cried since her dad died, and this represents a lot. In fact she once told me that i took a place in her life, that no one has ever took, and this for me represents a lot. Like i thought her many things, and still do...).
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