Reluctant soul mate or illusion?

I recently fell in love with a man I thought was my soul mate. We share a few passions, quite specific ones that are hard to come by, one of them being spiritual development. We are similar in character, both quiet introverts who enjoy a good chat with diverse people. The moment I met him, I felt we had a strong connection. I thought it was reciprocal, but when I invited him to meet me at a place we both go to, he declined. Months later, I cannot quite forget about him.

We go to the same places and I meet him often. He happens to be a minor public figure so I have the opportunity to go to certain events and meet him, also by ''accident''. The truth is, I go to these events for him, not for the events. We also have a few friends in common.

One of those friends who seemed to have caught on to how I feel told me he has little life experience and never has had a serious girlfriend at age 34. I did notice there was an issue around romantic relationships. The way he talked about it to someone else is that he was dumped a few times and when later on he wanted to find a girlfriend, he could not. The man is very, very attractive (in my opinion). However, he does not seem the type to go after women and I have an inkling he was hurt, decided to focus on his career, etc. He looks like a harcore bachelor with a sensitive heart, totally devoted to his professional activities.

When we meet, he seems pleased to see me, calls me by my name, will kiss me on the cheek and sometimes put his hand on my shoulder and I notice him looking at me. Despite the fact he did not want to go out with me, I feel he has some kind of interest, curiosity or more. He had many occasions to sit down with me and talk but only did so a few times. I am wondering if the man is attracted but somehow blocked by his personal experiences, too focused on his career and if there is nothing possible.

Is a soul mate connection 100% reciprocal and immediate? Is it blocked when one person is scared (and scarred) by relationships?

[Xan]

Soul mate connections are rarely smooth and even, especially in the beginning. Most people have wounding and protection over their hearts and a soul mate meeting makes this more uncomfortable to those who have it as love begins to be drawn out of them.

My suggestion is... be patient, be friendly, let trust build... then see......


Xan

Be careful that you don't put him on a pedastol. Not only will you exert more energy bc of what you think him to be, but the fall will be painful for both of you.

Also, keep in mind theres a lot that is going on under the surface of his own mind. You can try to guide him but can only do so much. Growth is up to him and you may be playing a part in it. Understand the SCs arent smoth sailing and arent always your "one and only" but they can become pretty dang important. For right now, don't over think it...I find that SM relationships act t not dwn an ugly barrier or trait you have. like a clearing or remodeling f sorts. I've had similar situations so I feel for you. Oh take xans advice, it was gold ;)

Good luck!

[WhiteWarrior]

...or he could already be in a relationship, too discrete for his friends to know about yet. Sorry to state the obvious.

It's possible he is seeing someone but I doubt it from the information I get and from the time he spends at various places (not that I stalk him but he is quite predictable and we go to the same places).

I'm very much in love and there's some degree of putting him up there as someone I would want to be with but I don't think I'm putting him on a pedestal. There are certain facets of him that seem like shortcomings but since I don't know much about that, it's not something that kills it for me.

It's true there can be a lot under the surface of him that I don't know about. If I was sure he doesn't feel anything, it would be easier to turn away (as I thought at first when he declined the date), but he seems so warm and interested when we talk that it's not so clear.

For example, I'm not a ''casual kisser''. Unless someone opens his arms and come to me, I won't reach for the kiss-on-the-cheek (actually, it's two kisses where I live). But he does that, come to me for the kisses and it's very soft and slooowww moootiiionnnnnn (you know what I mean?). Even if I'm holding something in my hands or don't go towards him, he'll come for the kisses. Now, I may be overanalyzing it. Maybe he's just always like that and I read something into it that's not there. It plays in my head and I fantasize for a week after any meeting involving kisses-on-cheeks. If I had to kiss him on cheeks every day, I'd be non-functional.

I'll just keep being open and patient and we'll see, before long I hope.

Just tell him what you feel for him. At least you can see him irl.

Don't worry, women are always forgiven when they do this. Man rarely are.

Probably, you should talk to him about your love even if you're not sure it's reciprocal. You don't want to miss an opportunity to be with your soul mate because of your doubts or fears. Good luck!

What jumps out at me is your falling in love w/ someone who you’ve never had the first date w/, much less any romantic contact & who has already declined the first advance you made to him. This love is really premature. You can be enamored or have a huge crush on him, but this isn’t the same type of love that results from a real relationship. We seldom benefit from deciding someone is Mr. (or Ms.) Right before having a relationship w/ them. Many an unhappy marriage would be avoided if people didn’t put pressure on their self to turn everyone they were attracted to into ~~The ONE~~ & just be pleased to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. A long term relationship often stands a better chance of developing when we’re restrained about this & look at a romantic prospect as Mr. Right Now, rather than a permanent Mr. Right. Being too needy is not attractive to many.

You can try to develop a relationship w/ him by spending time w/ him, but this really may not be all that healthy for you as this approach could drag on for years & never go anywhere more than it is right now. As WhiteWarrior mentioned, he may be in a relationship. He just may not be interested or may be same sex oriented & just hasn’t figured it out yet. The bottom line is, if he isn’t attracted, for whatever reason, you’re wasting your time. Attraction is very subjective. It happens all the time that we are powerfully attracted to someone who just isn’t interested in us. When we get overly focused on someone where it just isn’t going to happen we usually close our self off to looking at other relationships w/ others who are right under our nose who we might have a wonderful relationship w/. There’s allot of fish in that sea & many other men who are looking for a girlfriend. C'est la vie. If you’ve decided he is the ONLY guy for you, ask your self some hard questions.

It concerns me for you that you’re going to these events just to try to strike up a relationship w/ him. Be aware about sliding over into unhealthy obsession territory. There are many endlessly creative devices we use to NOT get involved in a real relationship. Being smitten w/ someone unavailable (for whatever reason) is one of them. You might stick your neck out & let him know you think he is cute & would like to have him over for dinner if he is unattached. This should be more direct than just asking him to meet somewhere. A clear date. If he gives you a firm NO then you can move on w/ your life & not waste time trying to develop something. If he declines a second time, you can always give him a cute laugh & tell him if he changes his mind, give you a jingle. Then stop going to his events unless they would be of interest w/o him being there & move on emotionally.

Originally Posted by Solitude

...I'm not a ''casual kisser''. Unless someone opens his arms and come to me, I won't reach for the kiss-on-the-cheek (actually, it's two kisses where I live). But he does that, come to me for the kisses and it's very soft and slooowww moootiiionnnnnn (you know what I mean?). Even if I'm holding something in my hands or don't go towards him, he'll come for the kisses. Now, I may be overanalyzing it. Maybe he's just always like that and I read something into it that's not there.

You note he is a public figure. Politician? Does he cheek kiss others? Maybe this is just a standard people-pleaser move.

Originally Posted by Solitude

It plays in my head and I fantasize for a week after any meeting involving kisses-on-cheeks. ...

This is where it gets into unhealthy territory for you.

Originally Posted by Solitude

I'll just keep being open and patient and we'll see, before long I hope.

Patience isn’t an ally. Make a clear move on him asking him for a date where he will have to give a definitive answer. If it is yes, great. If not, move on w/ remembering him fondly, but looking for someone who is ready for a real relationship. How much time are you willing to put towards being patient for him to reciprocate? 1 year? 10 years? 20 years? More?

Originally Posted by mattie

What jumps out at me is your falling in love w/ someone who you’ve never had the first date w/, much less any romantic contact & who has already declined the first advance you made to him. This love is really premature. You can be enamored or have a huge crush on him, but this isn’t the same type of love that results from a real relationship. than a permanent Mr. Right. Being too needy is not attractive to many.

It concerns me for you that you’re going to these events just to try to strike up a relationship w/ him.

I don't pretend to be in a relationship other than friendship with him. Falling in love, being enamored and having a huge crush on him are pretty much the same in that situation. Of course, I'm talking about THAT feeling. I'm not so completely out of it that I don't know it's not the ''same type of love that results from a real relationship''.

I'm not going to the events just to try to strike up a relationship with him. I'd still go until the end of times even if we're only friends. I'm going there to see him and to enjoy the events but of course, it's a big motivator in knowing he is there. He's not a politician but he has to talk in front of people so, I like watching him. What's wrong with that? I don't think I'd be the first woman to do this.

Unless he were to make a clear move, I don't think I would ''out'' myself and make our interactions more awkward. He already knows I'm interested because I invited him (although he probably doesn't know the extent of my feelings). I prefer to keep things as they are and let him invite me if he feels that way. My feelings were rekindled when he acted warmly towards me. I'll let him slip back to strictly friend if he doesn't make a move. The only thing I may consider would be to let a common friend know for sure how I feel and the friend would basically pass it on to him. I'd do that if things got more ''interesting'', just to give a little encouragement.

Hopefully, I'll come around my soul mate before 20 years have elapsed, him or another.