It’s been suggested I have to live with my traumas

[tomstarot]

Hi CW,

Please don't misunderstand me, I simply referenced the LOA as a way to understand vibration not in any way to place blame on you. Many parts of it are misunderstood because it's not about how you think, this is a misconception and absolutely not what I'm advocating.

Healing is a matter of the heart and like you say love is very important in this.

[CosmicWonder]

Hii tomstarot,

No I didn’t see it as blaming. I do think I might not entirely get your point. But surely do agree that the universe is complex.

Much kindness,

CW

To Cosmic Wonder: I'm no expert or anything, but couldn't it be that your therapist pushed you too far too fast in the process?

I think too one can be thrown back and forth emotionally when going through something like that. So sorry your anxiety has been so bad about all of this.

Years ago when I was trying to get help (I could not sleep and in time developed panic attacks, had never had those before) iIsaw someone professional and of course they sooner or later figure things out and so of course this professional just had to ask me questions about if any sexual abuse had happened during my relationship with my ex (who was a psychopath), and I was in no way ready to answer that..... sooooo what happened was that i cancelled all further appointments they had lined up for me (!), as it was simply too difficult for me at the time to talk about, and I was afraid to talk as it was already, I was afraid someone he knew or somehow he would get access of what I had said, my journal. By this time I had gone from a really good psychiatrist to then refer me to a therapist in my local area (only that made me nervous, the local area - as I felt I was too close to where he was moving about).

I used to defend what he did to me once (sexually) by telling myself that it only happened because he wanted a baby with me and that i had somehow caused this by me refusing him that at that time in my life. That it "Only" happened once. I know myself just writing like this how insane it sounds but I think the human mind tries so hard to make something so difficult easier to handle and that was my way. Whilst still in the relationship I was strangely numbed, couldn't feel anything. I think now looking back at it all that I was traumatized to some degree.

If I could have done it all over again - I would have stayed with the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I first had was really good.

One can say what one want but there is a difference in the levels of their education and training and personal experiences between a therapist and a psychiatrist.

I would not if I were you give up hope just yet and think you just have to accept being at the stage you are not (even though I'm glad you are feeling better compared to before).

Can you not get a second opinion or something - with a psychiatrist maybe? Be referred to a psychiatrist? I'm just speaking of my personal experiences here.

Heck, I would use my autism diagnose as a reason to see then a psychiatrist instead, as you wrote it could be you now think you had a different reaction because of it. And clearly the one you are seeing does not know what to do about that but gives you the explanation you just have to live with it?? I mean - why not use your autism diagnose in this case? Crank up the volume I say :) Don't give up til you tried, please?

Sadly some professionals do not know their limits and may then see it as a failure and won't spit it out perhaps because they simply do not know better, ignorance (I'm as guilt of ignorance as anyone else, so not saying I'm perfect or anything), so then this therapist won't then maybe acknowledge what you need is a psychiatrist. But I would go with the psychiatrist :) (OK sorry now I know I'm nagging…..)

Please, take care, be kind to yourself. Don't loose hope!

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,
Yes ptss makes us do weird stuff. Such as getting back to the very same pains and trauma’s that hurt us in the first place.

My mind is crumbled. It’s the medications that keep me behaving. I’m trying to reduce the effect of my medications in order to slowly expose myself to my issues. It’s very experimental. I need to stitch myself together with the thing that’s broken. I need to keep taking my meds for the show, sadly. People don’t want me unstable at all. They see it as dangerous. It’s sad, but I’ve got psychic gifts that can help me out. After all, I need to become whole again because else my broken parts will weigh me down into a hellish like state soon (one or two lifetimes ahead) without a proper way to heal. So I need fixing. Now it’s still mental. On the edge of physical (already experiencing huge pains and fatigue due to suppressed issues). And medications make that worse.

Much kindness,

CW

I'm really sorry to hear that, so you need to stay on the meds but at the same time they are making it worse. Are they really the right medication for you? Have they tried others medication/s as well? One can respond well to a medication while another can not. I so hope this works out for you, that you will feel better soon. It's good you have those psychic gifts too.

I still feel you need to see someone who expertise with dealing with both autism and trauma to see what could be done, and not settle with what the terapeut says, that nothing else can be done, there has to be.

Much Kindness

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,

Talked to a professional. She said she agreed that anti-psychotics (don’t mistake that for anti-psychosis, it doesn’t mean that literally even tho it’s used for such cases, psychotics are small impulses in the brain making the foundation of a thought) might cause my symptoms of physical pain and suppressed emotions. She added that she heard that anti-psychotics might not be good for long term usage. I probably won’t be taken off my meds, but they might get reduced.

I think the trauma’s might be mostly healed somehow. But I don’t have a stable perspective on that. My view changed everyday. I just try to glue my mind together. And that takes work and energy.

I’m drained lol. It was a tough week. Hence my emotions and negativity.

Much kindness,

CW

[Lavender Moonchild]

Originally Posted by CosmicWonder

Just wanted to vent this. I suggested I might want to work on self-management then. Which is the only option that seems open now. I don’t have extreme outbursts of rage anymore, luckily. Usually I just get passive and get anxiety attacks when the trigger is too close.

Hi CW,
I send you light and strength.

In danger of stating the obvious: You lived through your trauma. You are strong. You survived. The worst is past.

I relate to you. I don't know your traumas, I would never say I fully understand your exact situation, but I relate very much.



In my walk, the more I tried to work through it all - the worse it got, because I did not have any therapists or help. I kept hitting walls all around and got stuck in the midst of reopening the wounds. I lived for many years understanding why I am the way I am but not able to move past. I just resented myself even more.
This is because of the religious order I was in. Because to need help and to admit brokenness and such made you weak, not a believer, or devoid of faith etc etc.



This went on for a long time until I kicked that belief system in the bucket. And I got therapeutic helpers, I even went unto the tiniest dose of a (SSRI). It made the HUGEST impact for me personally from the very first dosage. And then I began to learn other things about me.

1) I can't resent myself - I am the one who SHOULD love myself most. Resenting myself only made my trauma worse.
2) I started to be compassionate towards myself. I looked upon all manner of events and how I reacted to them and instead of blaming myself - I forgave myself. I never chose to live through those things. I learned behaviours because of the trauma - I thought those would help me survive and so they did - but now that I was no longer in danger... I needed to learn a new way.

3) I eventually began to admire my childs-self's ability to survive. I began to love the little thing and hold her and cherish her and I would speak to her and thank her and I would tell her that it is over now and that now she can be a child truly.

4) I learned that bad emotions, when they come up from the past only last for up to a maximum of 15 minutes and when they come and want to be felt, I let them. I hug a pillow, I roll up in a ball, I cry or scream or wail. And then - usually I just nap for an hour completely exhausted.

Doing this has released much of that pint up anger, fear, pain and terror.
I know there is much more where that came from, but I continue on this path. Learning not to judge my past or my present with labels like "bad or good". But only to accept.

I accept now that I am lovable, dorky, unique, strong, slow to trust but when I do loyal to the end, I am worthy, I am beautiful and I am healing.

That is all I can do.
I live a day at a time.

Just for today I won't worry.
Just for today I will not be angry.
Just for today I will be grateful.
Just for today I will do my work diligently.
Just for today I will be kind to every living thing...
Just for today...


Blessings, light and love!

[Lavender Moonchild]

Originally Posted by CosmicWonder

Just wanted to vent this. I suggested I might want to work on self-management then. Which is the only option that seems open now. I don’t have extreme outbursts of rage anymore, luckily. Usually I just get passive and get anxiety attacks when the trigger is too close.

Hi CW,
I send you light and strength.

In danger of stating the obvious: You lived through your trauma. You are strong. You survived. The worst is past.

I relate to you. I don't know your traumas, I would never say I fully understand your exact situation, but I relate very much.



In my walk, the more I tried to work through it all - the worse it got, because I did not have any therapists or help. I kept hitting walls all around and got stuck in the midst of reopening the wounds. I lived for many years understanding why I am the way I am but not able to move past. I just resented myself even more.
This is because of the religious order I was in. Because to need help and to admit brokenness and such made you weak, not a believer, or devoid of faith etc etc.



This went on for a long time until I kicked that belief system in the bucket. And I got therapeutic helpers, I even went unto the tiniest dose of a (SSRI). It made the HUGEST impact for me personally from the very first dosage. And then I began to learn other things about me.

1) I can't resent myself - I am the one who SHOULD love myself most. Resenting myself only made my trauma worse.
2) I started to be compassionate towards myself. I looked upon all manner of events and how I reacted to them and instead of blaming myself - I forgave myself. I never chose to live through those things. I learned behaviours because of the trauma - I thought those would help me survive and so they did - but now that I was no longer in danger... I needed to learn a new way.

3) I eventually began to admire my childs-self's ability to survive. I began to love the little thing and hold her and cherish her and I would speak to her and thank her and I would tell her that it is over now and that now she can be a child truly.

4) I learned that bad emotions, when they come up from the past only last for up to a maximum of 15 minutes and when they come and want to be felt, I let them. I hug a pillow, I roll up in a ball, I cry or scream or wail. And then - usually I just nap for an hour completely exhausted.

Doing this has released much of that pint up anger, fear, pain and terror.
I know there is much more where that came from, but I continue on this path. Learning not to judge my past or my present with labels like "bad or good". But only to accept.

I accept now that I am lovable, dorky, unique, strong, slow to trust but when I do loyal to the end, I am worthy, I am beautiful and I am healing.

That is all I can do.
I live a day at a time.

Just for today I won't worry.
Just for today I will not be angry.
Just for today I will be grateful.
Just for today I will do my work diligently.
Just for today I will be kind to every living thing...
Just for today...


Blessings, light and love!

[CosmicWonder]

Thanks so much Lavander Moonchild!!

What a warm message. I relate to your story as you wrote it in this thread. Thanks so much!!

Much kindness,

CW

Originally Posted by CosmicWonder

Hii asearcher,

Talked to a professional.

That's good, and that you think you can be healed somehow.

Agree with the latest member,
Lavender Moonchild , writing, so beautifully and heartfelt put :)