How do you be spiritual & loving while dealing with unloving people?

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

I am in a unique situation with this guy, and i'll try to explain it quickly to give you the basics. I work with this guy, it's been 10 months now, and I liked him immediately even though he said he didn't want a girlfriend. He also said he doesn't have feelings for girls he dates, and doesn't talk about feelings. So I thought ok we'll just be friends. But he ACTED like we were a couple, right from the get go. He persued me really intensely, the first few months we barely got any sleep because we hung out together so much. It was perfect. I liked him but I also need time before getting physical with a guy, and he proceeded nice and slow, not even kissing me for a few months after we met. We cuddled on his bed and fell asleep together holding each other before he even tried anything. I was falling in love.

Then he got a little distant, stopped asking me to sleep over, was a little more distant at work but of course we still talked and flirted. I figured ok he doesn't like me like I thought. This was BEFORE he tried anything sexual with me. I was bummed because I thought we were a couple. He didn't deny it when coworkers made comments about us. He was very affectionate (and still is) right in front of everyone.

He picked up the pace again and started to act more loving with me, giving me a few hugs every day, cuddling with me, talking to me more than anybody else we work with. When we all go out together, me and him usually end up off on our own, hugging, slow dancing, barely talking to anyone else.

Maybe 3 times we were drunk in his bed and he started to make moves but I stopped him. He still hasn't officially made his intentions known or asked me out so I won't have sex unless we are a couple. He knows I am not into using people for sex, and as far as I know that's all he wants even though he acts like he really cares about me, sometimes. I mean he's the most affectionate guy I have ever known. He'll roll over while we're sleeping and put his arm around me and kiss my shoulder or my hair. He'll give me hugs from behind holding me close and burying his face in my hair and he'll go "mmmm" and we'll rock back and forth like that for a while.

The reason he doesn't want a girlfriend is because they get "crazy" and "emotionally attached". The last girl he dated a few years ago tried to stab him when he broke up with her, so thats his most common reason is girls are crazy. He said that is why he doesn't do friends with benefits with coworkers because they start getting feelings. EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING. Only we never had sex. He probably doesn't know the extent of how I feel otherwise he wouldn't lead me on by being so affectionate. So, I can't tell him how I feel because I know he doesn't want a girlfriend and I know he doesn't talk about his feelings, so it would be pointless and would only make things uncomfortable and awkward and I would have to quit my job because it would hurt too much. And I really don't want to quit my job because it's my dream job and it's the only one I ever loved and I want to stay here for the rest of my life.

So now to my question...I, of course, am spiritual, and trying to become more enlightened/awakened/conscious, etc. so I have pretty strong morals and compassion. A huge part of me wants to continue loving him to show him I am not going to stab him, i'm not crazy, I just want to love him and have a normal healthy relationship (something i've never had, and i'm 40 years old, so I'm getting a bit impatient at this point LOL)

But a part of me wants to stop the flirting and the cuddling just to "get back at him" for stringing me along, and to make him see he can't do that stuff with a girl if he doesn't intend to really love her. But the spiritual part of me says to treat him with compassion and love because he clearly has never experienced love either and being jaded and bitter towards women, he probably doesn't know how to love or could be too scared to try. I don't want to give up on him because I know everyone deep down wants to be loved and deserves love even though they can't show it or feel it themselves. I actually think he has low self esteem because he often brags about himself or shows off to me like he's trying to impress me, he goes overboard on "acting cool" in front of me, does subtle things around me to make me want him or like him more. He is pretty overweight and recently started a diet and rubs it in how much he's lost and feels me out for my reaction. I can see it all over his face that he enjoys it when I compliment him or notice when he is trying to impress me. I am not sure if he is narcissistic and needs his ego fed or is truly happy he is impressing me and thinks maybe once he loses the weight, I will finally have sex with him.

Here's another major factor in all this; at our job we work 84 hours a week, 6 weeks at a time. I am only home for about a week, every other month. So I can't even date anyone, unless it's someone here, since I am here 95% of the time. I also cant just make myself get over him because of how often we are together. We also live on site, so even in our free time after work, we have to spend it with each other (coworkers) since we are hundreds of miles from home.

So the problem is, I can't get over him since I can't really get away from him or avoid him, I can't quit my job because it's the best job I ever had and I want to work here forever, I can't ask him how he feels or tell him how I feel because based on what he's already told me, it would make things wierd and I might have to quit then. Do I listen to my heart and keep loving him and showing him he can be loved even though it hurts that I want more? Or do I listen to my mind and just start distancing myself and cutting him off? I just feel like that option is cruel, and I'm a nice person, I never quit talking to anyone even people I can't stand. It's just not in me to fight, cause confrontations, or give them a taste of their own medicine, so to speak. I want to come at this from love, not anger. But it hurts, I want to be with him so badly.

[sandalwood]

as you said, you are very compassionate, so you must quickly leave behind the mentality of getting back at. revenge only breeds hate.
you also said youre truly trying to become more conscious. well, love is just another word for consciousness. so take a step back and look at how complicated a thing youre turning love into. when it comes to significant relationships dont put so much thought into searching and results, these things will happen naturally. at this moment, only worry about love. its not a thing that is set aside for romances. love is something you should give to everyone.
remember the simple interaction, love begets love and hate begets hate. if you keep true to this you cannot go wrong. through love every situation can improve.

Astraea I feel that this man does love you and wishes to be with you after his self esteem has been built up (within himself); if he is making comments about his physical esteem ie trying to lose weight and work on himself internally and externally, then he is conscious to show his body in front of you and is waiting until he feels right (about his shell).

It would not have mattered who this fellow had met; he is at that time in his life trying to work on himself internally and externally. In other words, his distance does not have anything to do with you in terms of it being any type of reflection upon you (which is great news)!

Secondly, has this fellow worked in your workplace as long as you? If not, he may be a little concerned that if things do not go right between you emotionally or physically that you are all stuck together in the work environment. Best to discuss this to reassure him and yourself most importantly.

Thirdly, he may believe in God and have a close relationship with God in which he may prefer to wait until the time is right between the two of you and view marriage and commitment with you and decrease the amount of times you sleep together first. I know my ex husband was conscious of this as he knew I believed in God and a Catholic as he was. I am only in my 40's btw not in my 70's or 80's living in older times. Yet, many Catholics and Christians do try and abstain as greatly as possible before marrying. Keep this in mind to gently suss out his Childhood or his beliefs in God.

Lastly, most people prefer not to do the act in a working environment and wait until they have returned home in their own secure private dwelling and environment (many don't) if not given much choice or they wish to create memories living in other places working.

Suss him out on these things bit by bit over the next week gently in a few words.

Don't hold back on communicating; it is vital and saves time for you at this time in your life!

Love and best wishes

[Wandering_Star]

This is not a unique situation. This is the old story of "Woman gets involved with emotionally stunted man, despite clear indications that he is not capable of being a good partner. Woman then ends up disappointed and angry when man fails to change."

I work with this guy, it's been 10 months now, and I liked him immediately even though he said he didn't want a girlfriend. He also said he doesn't have feelings for girls he dates, and doesn't talk about feelings.

He told you all this at the very beginning for a reason. He has some deep emotional issues that prevent him from being a full, committed partner in a relationship. And now the relationship is playing out accordingly. He may indeed want love and physical closeness from you--and he'll keep doing what he needs to do to ensure you'll give it to him--but he's content to keep splashing around in the kiddie pool. He doesn't want to dive in deep, where he can't see the bottom.

There's really no point in getting angry with him, and to be at all surprised and hurt that it has gone this way doesn't make much sense. You were warned of this at the start.

You can look at this in terms of what he has done to you, a scenario in which you are the victim. But you're not a victim here--you voluntarily entered the relationship with someone who can't love the women he's with. He's just doing what he said he would do, no more, no less. He's delivering on his promises. Getting angry at him and doing things to "get back" at him for being exactly the guy he told you he was? That's childish.

It is his job to overcome his fear, and his resistance to love, and his job alone. He is the only one who can fix his problems, and he has to decide to do so entirely on his own--not because he's being pressured to by a woman who thinks he needs fixing. And he might never do that. Or maybe he'll do it years from now, when you're just a memory. But you cannot count on him to do it because you want him to.

I think your focus needs to shift from him, and why he acts the way he does, to you--and why you put yourself in this situation. You've got your own neediness going on here. Your need to save this guy from himself; your willingness to settle for an unsatisfactory, non-reciprocal relationship while nurturing the fantasy that your love will fix him; your willingness to screw up a perfectly good job by getting involved with a co-worker; your fear of being seen as "the bad guy," even when it's the right thing to do. Why is that?

I mean, this guy's messed up, but that you've chosen to enter this relationship and stay in it shows all the ways in which you're messed up, too. Every relationship is a mirror, reflecting back to us our own issues. And endlessly analyzing him, and trying to figure out how to solve the problem that is him only keeps you from looking at your real problem, reflected in this relationship--which is you.

There are two possibilities for how to handle it that I can see right now:

One is to end it as amicably as possible. Tell him, "I want someone who can be fully present, who is ready to love me, and make a full commitment. Talking and cuddlng and the closeness we do share is nice. I really like your company a lot. But I want a complete relationship. I deserve to be loved, and if you can't or won't do that, then I can't be your girlfriend and all the kissy-huggy stuff has to end now."

The other possibility? Accept that the relationship is exactly what it is, no more and no less. Stop having any expectations that it will ever be any different. Stop nurturing that Hollywood fantasy of yourself as the woman who fixes a broken dude by loving him. Just accept that he's broken, know that the relationship isn't going anywhere, and enjoy the stuff about it that is good (because there does seem to be some pleasant, enjoyable aspects to it).

[Celera]

I would like to thank Wandering Star for writing the exact answer I was preparing. I haven't even meet him and I kind of want to stab him too. :)

Really, he created a relationship where he gets many benefits including emotional support and social approval (people at work think you're a couple) and physical affection, and he's defined things in a way that for you to express feelings or ask for what you want will allow him to classify you as crazy and needy. And for some reason if things get weird you feel that you are the one who would have to quit.

You also know all this. Its in the title of your post. Dump this guy, not for revenge but because you don't need to waste your time being manipulated. He doesnt love you and he isn't going to. Just tell him you don't want to be "friends with benefits" either and kissing, cuddling, monopolizing your time and letting people think you are his girlfriend are all benefits that regular friends don't get (and real friends don't expect). If he doesn't respect this and goes back to pursuing you intensely, that's harassment and you can take it up with your boss or HR.

Changing your feelings while keeping the relationship as is would be pretty tough. I recommend telling him you need some space and want to stick with professional interactions for now. If he wants to know "whyyyyy?" Just stick with " this is what I need and since your my friend I know you will respect that." Rinse and repeat as needed.

This is not about being unkind in any spiritual sense. You are not being unloving. It is really more unloving in the long run to stay in a relationship hoping for something you've already been told is not available, and rewarding him for continuing this pattern in relationships. If you cut off the emotional support then maybe he will change or get therapy or something. Your current relationship is not contributing to his spiritual growth or yours, and that's what real love is all about.

There are great resources online for meeting people for relationships, casual dates of just making new friends. Try meet up.com and look for activities you can join when you're available without having to be there each week. You have better options than this, really.

Thank you Wandering Star, you have just summarised the things that were in my 20 marriage exactly; one of the reasons that I forgave and forgave and separated. You are right. If a Soul has not reached the point of wishing to communicate and open up their Heart, we are left to deal with it or walk away. We can try and then of course we leave it alone.

Love and wishes.

Excellent Post Celera too btw!

[ellespirit]

All excellent posts, I am in a similar situation and the point about it being about me and what needs the non reciprocal partner is meeting in me, is spot on. In a nut shall a classical Clayton's relationship.

I knew there was a reason, I logged in today. Thank you.

[Belle]

As someone who has done that many a time, allowed the guy to call the shots and treat me so, I just wanted to echo the responses above.

It's also - as a spiritual being - honouring yourself, honouring your body, mind and spirit that you deserve the very best from someone. If you want second best, you will attract second best.

It never helps the other person by allowing them to behave in such a way and I look back at my past, thinking I was being oh so kind to allow them to walk all over me but no, it served them no great higher purpose.

If I said a cruelty to be kind, I'm not necessarily advocating a cruel approach - there are some wise and kind mantras here about how to draw up clear boundaries without being mean. It may feel kind to allow him to treat you as such but you are being kind to no-one. It may feel cruel to say "no" to him but actually it is the long term kindness. The "no" you offer to him will be his to take and work with as he chooses. It's not your responsibility.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by sandalwood

as you said, you are very compassionate, so you must quickly leave behind the mentality of getting back at. revenge only breeds hate.
you also said youre truly trying to become more conscious. well, love is just another word for consciousness. so take a step back and look at how complicated a thing youre turning love into. when it comes to significant relationships dont put so much thought into searching and results, these things will happen naturally. at this moment, only worry about love. its not a thing that is set aside for romances. love is something you should give to everyone.
remember the simple interaction, love begets love and hate begets hate. if you keep true to this you cannot go wrong. through love every situation can improve.

That's pretty much how i've been dealing with this, I have to keep reminding myself to be a good loving person, because sometimes it's very hard. I wonder if I will be able to keep this up for a few years (if he doesn't decide to actually ask me out, that is). It just hurts so much being so close to him and not getting love back.