Pls Pls Read. Back and forth for 3 years. when is enough?

This is lengthy but to really understand it i have to give all the details. its an interesting story so please read. please be patient and read and comment. So my ex and I have broken up and gotten back together a few times. the longest period was six months, most recent was 3 months. All because of her stupidity i had to dump her.

Sad thing was we really felt and still feel like soulmates or twin flames. not sure which cause i still dont fully get the titles. bottom line is we are soo connected no matter how much pain we put each other through. When we first met we fell in love in less than a month. We have soo much in common and like the same things so we were never bored. even just laying around doing nothing was fun. the sex was the most passionate ever and we were soo in love.

So whats the problem???

When we first met she had a best friend that controlled and manipulated her. My ex had alot of depandancy issues and did anything this friend told her to do. It was really sick. she would lie about where should be with her, if we had plans she would ditch me for her friend, and would often pick fights just so could go hang with her friend. odd i know but she said she was messed up at the time. she does have depression and a bad childhood and has talked to counselors.

The first year and a half was this stuff on and off and finally i got sick of it and dumped her. 6 months we were apart but she begged once a month within that time. she knew she messed up and that we were perfect together! WE WERE EACH OTHERS "IT"! im now 30 and she is now 26 as of June of this year. At this time she was 24 and i was 28. This has all been on and off since then.

last year december we were split up for six months but i gave in to her begging and took her back since she promised to change. Well she did change and she was begging and all about me but the problem was the pain was still there and the betryal and non trust that i just didnt feel the same anymore. I loved her and was around more so cause i just felt so sorry for her cause she was still soooo in love and i wasnt there anymore.

I went to San Fransisco in March and slept with someone. I know it was wrong and i have never done that before but i did it almost out of revenge and to see if i did still have some feelings for her. Well i felt bad and was going to tell her and give it my all.

You have to keep in mind she had done soo many hurtful things to me that equal the pain of cheating especially halloween of 09. That was where the relationship changed. she ditched me and did some real bad things that were hard to get over but has lied to me over all of this time when i knew the truth. last minute she had ditched me on halloween to hang with her friend when we had plans for months. her best friend and others were getting a party bus.

she ignored me all night and kept lying saying she was just hanging at her friends. then she shows up at my house at 3 am making a huge scene and tons of noise. i call her dad to pick her up and she acts like he is beating her all crazy. she gets me involed to the point that he and I almost got into it. That was the start of the end with her parents and mine relationship. Cops show up and tell her to just sleep it off at my house.

Naturally next morning she felt like an idiot and was sucking up and denied any wrong of the night before which i knew was bull. I even saw pictures of her on myspace doing naughty things and dancing dirty and she still denied it. I stopped talking to her for a bit to think while she kept begging. finally i just decided to let it go since i wasnt getting my answer and she swore she would change and cut that bad friend loose. Things were actually good for a long while and we even saw counseling to cover all ends. Then once again she starts sneaking back around the bad friend. she would always know she messed up but only noticed it after it already happened.

i finally got fed up and after catching her in yet another lie to ditch me and go to her friends i dumped her July of 2010. I even tried being nice in the end and said she could spend the 4th of july weekend with me. ;she was devastated but then blew me off on the 4th to go to her friends party. so messed up huh!!!!! i cant tell you how many times i would be in tears in my bathroom not knowing what or where she was. Finally i was done!

so that takes us back to those six months of being single where she tried begging once a month and then me finally giving in cause i felt sorry for her. We dated for 4 months up to April of this year 2011. she did change and she did try real hard but she tried too hard and the deep love wasnt there anymore so i called it off.

NOW TO THE CURRENT DILEMAH!

3 1/2 months have gone by and i have again moved on and been having the time of my life. Traveling, hooking up with gorgeous women, just focusing on me. Then i run into the group of her close friends we all got close with and chilled with at the bar last saturday. my ex wasnt there but i partied with the friends and it was fun as usual.

Next morning i get a call from the ex being all nice like she is each time we split up and we dont talk. I never call her when we split up. She almost always calls a month or two later after the break up telling me how much she misses me, etc.

we meet and she confesseed to all the wrong and all the little secrets she held from me. her excuse was cause she was scared to lose me and disgusted with herself but now realizes that things could have been different if she was honest from the start. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder so i told her about the girl in San Fran and we just squashed it all there. Then oddly we both started to flirt and the connection we had came back and basically from that point on the rest of the 4th of july weekend we were extremely passionate, lots of sex and her crying hoping i take her back.

I just dont know what to do cause this has been going like this on and off for 3 years. Now finally i got all my answeres and closure or so i hope but deep down im still a bit scared some how it is just in her nature to hurt me. you should see this woman though the way she talks to me and looks at me. she is sooo gaga in love with me. i love her too but you can tell im her "IT". She has been calling since and wants to keep seeing me and i dont know what to do. a part of me misses what we had but another thinks i should just stay single and keep following my dreams of travel and moving. Its hard though cause even my roomate told me just seeing us together, we fit!


Edited by SF Staff

If it were me, and I was faced with this. It would be hard for me to "forget" the lies and build a foundation with someone I couldn't ever fully trust.

I would cut my losses with that one and keep doing things that make myself happy. This is a lesson for you. I feel even past life. That you couldn't let each other go before and it ended badly then as well. You decided to repeat it in this life (both of you). I feel you need to be strong enough and true to yourself enough, to walk.

Watch Friends and think of yourselves as Ross and Rachel.

"We were on a break!"

[Xan]

Drewcious... It sounds to me that you like emotional roller coaster rides. There's nothing wrong with that, but... is that what you really want?

Fitting together doesn't necessarily mean having a balanced, growing relationship. Not all passionately-in-love soul mates are really good for each other.

Another thing I heard in your post, that for some reason you want others to read over and over is... you seem more interested in how focused the girls are on you and not much in what you feel for them. Just something to look into on the self-centered front... for self-awareness.


Xan

Real love is something you never fall into or out of...the rest is hormones & good luck with that :)

She is definitely still codependent. Codependent sex can be fun because you bloody each other up emotionally and then have pseudo makeup sex. what do you want? Do you want a healthy relationship? Have you gone to councelling? She definitely has issues. She can't keep those issues private. If I were in your shoes and I couldn't bring myself to just cutting her out completely, then I would require several things: (1) that she go to counselling with you. (2) that there is distance until she is mentally healthy, (3) that she fess up to her past actions and be truly remorseful (not playing at remorse), (4) that she get herself into some sort of anonymous program like Cod-A. Unless you have a lot of experience with standing your ground and being non-reactive with her playing games, then you have to seek external help in her process of getting healthy.

No one will judge you either way. But you have to look at your own codependency in letting her back into your life and then creating chaos in your life.

If it's any consolation, it makes for a good story.

It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of it. Not sure if she's in love with you or just needy. Either way, it's no reason for you to be with her.

If you do choose to be with her it sounds like you'll need to properly forgive her in order to feel what you used to.

But don't ever make plans - at least until she's proved her reliability.

Enjoy being single, forget her, she's malipulating you.

I really appreciate those of you that took the time to read that novel and comment. Means alot and apologize for the extent of it but i felt that all details were needed to understand.

I agree with all of you and after this past weekend have come to the conclusion that i cant do it. For afew reasons.

1) I feel that i have forgiven her but deep deep down i know i never will and i know this because lately she has brought some strange anger out of me like she used to. I am not an angry person at all and the fact litle things she does just makes me so angry and neither I or her deserve that.

2) Now not to sound double standard but since the last time she tried getting back with me and we were sorta dating was almost 4 months ago. In that time she has slept with a few people. Now i know there is nothing wrong with having fun being single but fact of the matter is she is not like this. She has not had many partners but seems the more time goes on she is becoming more and more welcoming to men and bieng more premiscuous. I dont like this because this is not how i know her.

3) I still cant forgive her family for some things they have done more so her mom. dont think i put it in the story but that is another one. Family is important to me so if i am not on good terms with her family than its not worth it to me.

4) When i was single i felt the free spirit freedom. no worries, no cares, just loving and living life. Since she has been back in the picture i am feeling pressured again. Pressured with mixed emotions, feelings, and worry my free spiritness and happineness is fading while she is around. Trust me the connection we have and feelings are very passionate but once we are apart is when i feel all this negativity. When we are together its like im blinded from all the negative. Its very powerful.

Im starting another thread based on a question from this weekend. take a look at that too. Thanks!