Need advice about a work colleague

I have someone who sits oposite me at work.

She is, in general, a fairly nice person but we just don't resonate.

She has worked with the company for 21 years but has recently changed departments and works with me for half her 40 hour week.

I had to teach her the job and she very low confidence. I spent a lot of energy reassuring her and helping her learn to trust herself. I pay her compliments because I hear her putting herself down.

But.... all the time I just get a vibe that she doesn't like me.

I try to ignore it, try to show her that the only reason I know more about the job is because I have been doing it longer, and wrote most of the procedures. When she says she has a boring life compared to mine I say that so long as she's happy it doesn't matter if she doesn't do the stuff I do.

On Tuesday she was saying that she doesn't push herself to learn more like I do. I explained that my desire to improve is based on low self esteem. I over complicate and over think. I explained that if she is happy with who she is and her life it is better than constantly striving to be "good enough".

I don't necessarily believe all the negative stuff I am saying about myself, it's just I feel she has put me on a pedistal and is hating me because of it. I am just trying to get down off the pedistal.

Anyway, I have been doing my best to ignore it. To try to get on with her but at the end of Tuesday she just blew it

I was having a mini rant in the sales office because once again someone had left the key in the safe.. which to me is just plain stupid, may as well just leave it open.

We thought we knew who it was an the sales manager was going to speak to him in the morning. No big deal. I walked up to my colleague saying "I can't believe after the e-mail I sent last week that someone has left the key in the safe again".... her reply was "oh that was me".

From there, rather than simply saying "oops, duh, sorry, won't do it again" she made a heap of excuses. As I walked away (it was home time) she shouted "if only we were all as intelligent as you".

I guess I'm over thinking this, but that statement showed her true colours. It was nasty and uneccessary, but it showed me exactly how she feels about me.

I feel she thinks that either I think I am amazing, that I think I am more intelligent than others and look down on other people. Or she really does think I am cleverer than her and is jealous. I don't want her to think either!!

Now, in my life, people who are nasty to me just get cut off. I don't need people like that in my life so they stop existing. But I HAVE to work with her. On tuesday I have to do an hour car journey with her and be in a day long meeting with her.

I'm not sulking when I'm not talking to her, I am simply cutting her out of my reality.... but I am not able to do this.

Now I know how she feels about me, how can I continue to be nice to her. I don't want anything to do with her

I don't know what to do. I feel if I forgive her and am nice to her again she will just continue being nasty to me.

I was bullied at school, even by my "best friend".. I don't take garbage from people now, not by being nasty, just by not letting them close enough to hurt me twice.

Does anyone have any advice?


Edited by SF Staff

[astralsuzy]

This could be wrong. You could be misinterpreting her. She could be upset about having to move departments and is not happy. It may not be you that she is upset with. Give it time. Whatever happens do not get angry as that is unprofessional at work. You might just have to make the most of it. I would only spend the time that you have to be with her and try to be pleasant.

you are right, she isn't happy about moving. She was stores manager, over 3 people... now she is equal to me, seeing herself as less than me.

I just spoke to my husband again and he said if she makes a snide remark again ask her if she has a problem with me. But I'm rubbish at confrontation and would rather just walk away.....

[astralsuzy]

I would suggest not to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. I do not think I would like to say that either. That could become uncomfortable. I would just walk away as well.

Originally Posted by tilia

you are right, she isn't happy about moving. She was stores manager, over 3 people... now she is equal to me, seeing herself as less than me.

I'm probably around her age (if not older). I can't tell you how hard it is, to see your career downshift and to find yourself reporting to people younger than you are. It's a difficult time and a blow to the ol' ego.

It's also very, very possible that she left the key in the safe because she was having what I like to call "a senior moment." We get older, we get forgetful. Where did I put my sunglasses? Oh, they are on top of my head. That sort of thing.

She may have been quite flustered about it, and thus her excuses and her outburst at you were ruses to avoid admitting she's getting forgetful. The last thing you want your work place to think is that you are getting forgetful and maybe it's time to retire the horse to the barn. Ya know?

I doubt that this is personal. I bet that you represent to her a general threat, the threat of the younger generation that is going to replace her and push her out to retirement before she is willing and ready.

Hi SerpentQueen

She's only about 3 years older than me, just turned 40, so I doubt it's a senior moment.

I've just upset her even more now.....

A colleague was talking about what he wanted to do for his 60th. He suggested a restaurant in town. She wasn't happy about that because it meant going into town, rather than being able to walk from work, or more importantly to her, walk home again.

I told him to do whatever he wanted as it's his birthday. She just huffed and said "said the wrong thing there didn't I?". 5 mins later she's grabbed her bag and muttered "I'm going to lunch" and flounced out.

Normally I would analyse the reasons behind things, try to understand the situation so I could work to resolve it.. but to be honest I'm not bothered why she said what she said. I just need to work out how I am going to work with her without it turning into a bad atmosphere. I feel I have to stop sharing my opinions and cow tow to her otherwise she will huff.

The only way I can sort this is to ignore my feelings and pretend it never happened. Maybe after the weekend, when there has been a natural break I can walk in on monday morning and pretend nothing happened.... but she is slowly chipping away at me and I can see the start of a spiral back into believing I am a bad person.

I mean I must be, I am better than her in the sort of things my job entails. I, in no way believe that I am a better person than her, I'm just good at my job... and I start to feel that this is a bad thing.

I think about stuff, she is chilled and goes with the flow... this means I am a bad person because I over analyse and over think.

I stand up for people rather than act selfishly, this makes me argumentative, therefore I am a bad person.

I just want to get on with people but stay true to myself. Instead I can't ignore her kicking her desk or sucking her fingers.. this means I am intollerant. ... this one is already starting to get stuck in my self belief

I'm at the point of putting a message on facebook asking my friends to be truly honest and tell my what ways I am a bad person so I can start to resolve the issues......

I work best on my own... I know this now. I need people around me while I work, but I am soooo much better if people just leave me alone

Originally Posted by tilia

Hi SerpentQueen

She's only about 3 years older than me, just turned 40, so I doubt it's a senior moment.

I've just upset her even more now.....

A colleague was talking about what he wanted to do for his 60th. He suggested a restaurant in town. She wasn't happy about that because it meant going into town, rather than being able to walk from work, or more importantly to her, walk home again.

I told him to do whatever he wanted as it's his birthday. She just huffed and said "said the wrong thing there didn't I?". 5 mins later she's grabbed her bag and muttered "I'm going to lunch" and flounced out.

Normally I would analyse the reasons behind things, try to understand the situation so I could work to resolve it.. but to be honest I'm not bothered why she said what she said. I just need to work out how I am going to work with her without it turning into a bad atmosphere. I feel I have to stop sharing my opinions and cow tow to her otherwise she will huff.

The only way I can sort this is to ignore my feelings and pretend it never happened. Maybe after the weekend, when there has been a natural break I can walk in on monday morning and pretend nothing happened.... but she is slowly chipping away at me and I can see the start of a spiral back into believing I am a bad person.

I mean I must be, I am better than her in the sort of things my job entails. I, in no way believe that I am a better person than her, I'm just good at my job... and I start to feel that this is a bad thing.

I think about stuff, she is chilled and goes with the flow... this means I am a bad person because I over analyse and over think.

I stand up for people rather than act selfishly, this makes me argumentative, therefore I am a bad person.

I just want to get on with people but stay true to myself. Instead I can't ignore her kicking her desk or sucking her fingers.. this means I am intollerant. ... this one is already starting to get stuck in my self belief

I'm at the point of putting a message on facebook asking my friends to be truly honest and tell my what ways I am a bad person so I can start to resolve the issues......

I work best on my own... I know this now. I need people around me while I work, but I am soooo much better if people just leave me alone

Sometimes we have people put in our lives for a reason, to rise above ourselves and learn from them. In my opinion, this is just a bump in the road. You are not a bad person what so ever, she is frustrated over her job down size. Have you talked to your supervisor about what you can do? Is there a possibility you could pull her into a room or somewhere that you can talk to her about the things that are bothering you? Sounds like cross communication and misunderstandings but that's my opinion. Does she have a list of the procedures or a list of what she should do by the end of the day? Maybe something to help her feel like she has a little bit of control over her job since she obviously feels like she's losing herself? Just some ideas. You may have to confront her just so she knows how and where she fits in and she is welcome there. Let her understand you like to work alone but have an open door for any problems that she may have. Get her to trust you and these "issues" may dissipate.

If she has no self confidence, and you dont liek confrontation... then Id say you guys are on equil ground. Dont dance around it, flat out ask " is there a problem?" if she says no, well then thats all you can take it as

Originally Posted by earthprowler

Sometimes we have people put in our lives for a reason, to rise above ourselves and learn from them.

You are right, I guess I am peeved because this is the second person I have been given to help me do this job that so doesn't resonate with me that I end up miserable.

The other lady didn't come out and say things like that tho. I think we just came to an unspoken agreement that we would work together, dissagree at times and not try to be friends. This tac just isn't working this time and I fear it's just going to get nastier and nastier.

Have you talked to your supervisor about what you can do?

I don't have a supervisor, the next above me is the MD as it's a small company. I have spoken to him in the past that she doesn't want to do the job and he has encouraged her to be more pro-active and that has worked. But at the same time it was made very clear there was no moving her into another role, or back into her old role. I know she won't leave as she is institutionalised from being here so long.

So I am stuck with her.

Is there a possibility you could pull her into a room or somewhere that you can talk to her about the things that are bothering you? Sounds like cross communication and misunderstandings but that's my opinion.

I am aware that she pushes some of my buttons but I constantly try to see this happening and work around it. I am trying really hard to see this as a learning curve but I really really don't understand what I am supposed to be learning.... I may get my oracle cards out and see if I can glean any insight from them....

If I need to talk to her then I will have to, but if I can find a way around it then I will go for that first.

Does she have a list of the procedures or a list of what she should do by the end of the day? Maybe something to help her feel like she has a little bit of control over her job since she obviously feels like she's losing herself? Just some ideas. You may have to confront her just so she knows how and where she fits in and she is welcome there. Let her understand you like to work alone but have an open door for any problems that she may have. Get her to trust you and these "issues" may dissipate.

She has set jobs that she now does very well. But she doesn't see that she has progressed. I tried to tell her the other day; that she used to be really scared and now she can just get on with stuff. She has her own jobs and she knows what she is doing... so that is not so much of a problem now... but she still seems to compare herself to me, sees what she thinks is lack but rather than making changes she just hates me instead.

I know this trate, I have done it myself in the past but now I see that it is the wrong thing to do.

I don't see her lacking at all, I think I could learn stuff from her, and I tell her that, but she has a look on her face that implies even that is an insult. I just don't understand.

I don't think she has ever come across a person like me before, someone who is driven to improve, who questions everything and thinks a LOT. I'm not saying a "person like me" is any better than a "person like her" for a second... I just think I am a strange animal to her.. and her to me....

I think there is a lot of "mirrors" being held up here, I can see it is another lesson... I just don't seem to be getting it... or maybe I am ignoring it coz I don't want to hear it....

[norseman]

Tilia, Rule of Thumb.
25% of the people you meet will like you
25% -----------------|----------------dislike you
50% -----------------|----------------be half way between.

There are always bad apples in the box somewhere.