Insecurities about relationships

[august2803]

Hello!
I met a girl who I think I want to be monogamous with. I am scared, but everytime I go deeply into myself and am true to myself with no distractions she is the only one there. Inside my heart. I had a trip with magic mushrooms after we saw each other for 1-2 months, it blasted through all of my ego and I realised there is nothing to be done, then i asked myself, but what do i want to do then if i should do something, then she popped up. I also went to a retreat after i dumped her and she came up again deep inside, almost egoless, no other girl had any chance of coming near her. Also i got a weird sense of having lived the same life again and again and now the solution was to choose her, maybe it was going through the same cycle again and again and now i should choose her. I also lost interest in going out meeting girls which i loved before. We had such a great time.
There is a problem though. I am aries, very jelaous and she is an independent aquarius, how significant are zodiac signs? The two should be compatible, but not perfect matches, are zodiac signs more important than human designs? I am a manifestor!

Also, thank you for reading, I am also afraid because as soon as she started giving me the opportunity for a second chance i started losing some interest again, we have just skyped distant since i broke up with her (which i did out of routine and insecurity, not any specific reason like i would other women earlier) so we have not met yet, i guess that will change something. What are your thoughts? Everything is deeply appreciated! Thank you!

[shoni7510]

I think you are not sure if you are ready for love yet and your love for this girl is not enough to make you commit to a relationship. It will do the girl more harm if you string her along like you are doing. You should try and find space for love inside your heart before you invite another person.

[7luminaries]

as soon as she started giving me the opportunity for a second chance i started losing some interest again, we have just skyped distant since i broke up with her (which i did out of routine and insecurity, not any specific reason like i would other women earlier)

I think you need to investigate this. You say you have deeper feelings for her and you are aware of some past life experiences.

You are not comfortable with these deeper feelings so you feel one way but you treat her another way. You are being avoidant with her, which means you have now repeatedly pushed her away after letting her in.

Maybe once time out of 20 or 50 or maybe 100, a person will forgive you for doing this. Many times you get no second chances. But if you do, and that is a gift, if you continue to act avoidant with her, then you are being emotionally manipulative and abusive and she would clearly be better off without you. Ask yourself -- why are you living a lie, acting cruelly toward another, and moreover, acting in direct contrast to who you are at centre?

Real love is scary, because it means you actively seek and support the highest good of the other, simply for who they are. It's not something you control. It's not something you possess. And the presence of love in your heart for someone you authentically love does not depend on anything they do. Whether you choose to be with them or not, or to be friends with them or not...etc...is up to you. That part is yours to choose. But the authentic love for them remains in your heart. Running away or treating them like rubbish and fobbing them off or putting them down -- none of that changes authentic love.

I think you've already begun to become aware of that. Why do you run away? If you accept what love is, and that you are of that love, then accept the love in your heart. Whether you pursue a relationship is another thing altogether and you need to be able to rise to it and be available, if you are going to pursue that. Frankly, you'd be better off asking for her friendship if you don't know where your head and heart are at the moment, and then learning how to be a good and true friend to her, one where you give her your best. But the point is, wherever unconditional, authentic love is present, there it remains.

You may as well be honourable and decent and level with her, no matter what you decide. Otherwise you will be in the position of living 24/7 with the knowledge that you love this person simply for who she is, and that you've treated her badly for no reason. And that you've done nothing for it, except allow the lie to continue on. The lie being that she must be loathesome, hence your treatment of her, which she must deserve. If you were a man of integrity, this is exactly what your actions would mean. Men of honour say and do what they mean, think, and feel. And women of honour, as well. Because if she IS a woman of honour, she will assume this is EXACTLY what you think of her. Subterfuge and mindscrewage are not the realm of honour and she cannot read your mind.

Integrity and honour would also mean that if you had sex, you two had a sacred bond of intimacy that you were sharing together because you already authentically loved one another. This part is a lie for probably 99% of humanity (or thereabouts) because most have sex with folks they do not (ever to date) love authentically...and yet, you may have truly met this act with integrity and honour! Meaning, at least with this one woman, sex was an act of spiritual integrity and unity, because authentic love was present (even if you are not fully comfortable with its presence in your heart just yet). Many folks have NEVER experienced authentic love in partnership and thus have never had authentically loving sex -- regardless of whether committed, married, or have partnered with 100s (LOL).

What I am saying is that you have the rare potential to be a truly honourable man, one who lives with integrity. That has become a rarity these days, sadly, but ever man who steps up to the fullness of his humanity and embraces authentic love in his being and doing turns the tide back in our favour. And especially, he turns the tide for himself, within his own life.

You do need to get a grip on your avoidant behaviour though, mate. That is simply cruel, and you'd be better off owning your messed-up state and sharing with her where you're at. You can always seek a true and honourable friendship with her whilst you sort your head out. Then she is free to pursue other relationships whilst maintaining a positive connection with you. If you sort things later, she may or may not still want to pursue a partnership, but you will at least be a fit partner for someone else and you will finally have both the capacity and the courage to love her authentically.

Peace & blessings
7L

[august2803]

Wow what a long and good answer! Thank you both!
I feel like my awakening process has been so intense that i lost some of my integrity, but as I said, when I am balanced she is what remains. I am sure at my core, but all these insecurities because of the value system i had from dating multiple women and being insecure with everything are deep as well. Slowly getting rid of them one after one. I want to try with this girl i truly do I see she loves me for me and i her for her and we respect each other. It is sad to see how she has closed up to med, but she loosens a little bit time after time through conversation. We will go to my cabin in 10 days for a weekend and see how it goes. I miss her deeply. We were so good together and what i did was purely confusion from emotional unbalance from emotion bursts due to awakening and old habits of dumping every girl i got feelings for. I was hurt myself, but opened up, she helped me a lot in that process I felt safe with her and nurtured and shes been telling me how she feels she can be completely herself around me. I truly love it, when i read your answer i feel at peace. I am very grateful for this second chance and I will treat her as the queen she deserves!

[7luminaries]

Wow what a long and good answer! Thank you both!
I feel like my awakening process has been so intense that i lost some of my integrity, but as I said, when I am balanced she is what remains. I am sure at my core, but all these insecurities because of the value system i had from dating multiple women and being insecure with everything are deep as well. Slowly getting rid of them one after one. I want to try with this girl i truly do I see she loves me for me and i her for her and we respect each other. It is sad to see how she has closed up to med, but she loosens a little bit time after time through conversation.

August...Good on you for being honest and for having the courage to reach out and engage. There is more truth and honestly in those few lines than loads of gents manage in a lifetime.

You may be one of the lucky ones, in that you are courageous AND she is still willing to hear what you have to say.

BUT...

We will go to my cabin in 10 days for a weekend and see how it goes. I miss her deeply. We were so good together and what i did was purely confusion from emotional unbalance from emotion bursts due to awakening and old habits of dumping every girl i got feelings for. I was hurt myself, but opened up, she helped me a lot in that process I felt safe with her and nurtured and shes been telling me how she feels she can be completely herself around me. I truly love it, when i read your answer i feel at peace. I am very grateful for this second chance and I will treat her as the queen she deserves!

I'm not here to tell you what to do. But trying to mend your connection through sex and "seeing how it plays out" is never a long term solution (BTW, what the heck does this even mean? it sounds like, I have no clue what I'm doing but how about I put my penis in her and see if that's good enough?). Why is it gents can't ever find anything else to do or talk about with women? Seriously.

If you want my opinion, having uncommitted sex is REALLY not a good idea with anyone you truly give a damn about, unless...you are well and fully prepared to rise to this relationship from here on out, and then you DO IT.

Sex is not the glue and it never will be. Love is the glue, and love doesn't require sex without everyone's heads and hearts and minds and bodies all in the game and on the same page, meaning as life partners. Not unless you are prepared to rise to all that a committed life partnership entails...

Otherwise she will move on eventually but will quite likely despise you for penetrating her, using her, and generally taking up space in her life -- perhaps also especially for misdirecting her by using the L word to encourage sex and easy intimacy but without the intent &/or ability to commit long-term. It's how we're built, and you play around there at your own risk if you are not 100% solidly there right now.

Let me put it to you straight out....if you authentically love her and you want to have sex (coz you're a dude so of course you do, eh?) but for whatever reason...you know or are not sure if you can do the relationship thing...then if you can't rise to it....she is very likely to loathe and resent you for a long, long time, even if she had deep feelings for you. It can cross lifetimes. If men knew how much of a universal game-changer sex is for any decent woman...there is no way you would EVER have casual sex (or at least none that you didn't pay for).

If you shag her and then it doesn't work out but you didn't care anyway, sure it's terrible karma and you've used someone (but gents who do this haven't figured that out anyway, LOL.)...but hey, at the very least your heart wasn't involved and it won't haunt you for literally ages, perhaps lifetimes. However, if you end up badly using someone you love, there's no telling how long it will be till things get set right. Even if they authentically love you too, it doesn't mean they can forgive you anytime soon as we're all human.

Most realities are not as callous and low and debased as this current one, and even HERE you will openly and thoroughly experience your regret for potentially a very long time. Certainly all of this lifetime, most likely. You can find someone else, sure. But there is no "replacing" individual souls, nor your resonance with them. Everyone is different. And most men leave most women somewhat cold without authentic love. Meaning, we're not interchangeable and replaceable, no matter what society tries to shove down our throats. What you feel for her and have with her is as unique as both of you are...you seem to be coming to that understanding all on your own, and it's high time everyone else did too. So that we could all treat one another with the dignity and honour and kindness our unique and individual humanity deserves.

I wish you all the best... I hope you choose wisely and from the bottom of your heart, and with the deepest authentic love for both self and others.

Peace & blessings
7L

[Inika]

insecure

IN= SEE= CURE

go within and see the issue and cure before you engage with another.
They'll only trigger you otherwise which will falsely have you believe it's them.

[august2803]

Oh, the reason we go to my cabin is to see how it feels to spend time with each other. However 6-7 weeks after i dumped her, she had sex with a guy after meeting him 3 times. Is that casual for a girl after being in so deep? Last time i met a girl that had her heart broken and we dated several months i was the first man she had sex with in a year. I know the girl i will meet now have some issues to work with, but she loves me deeply and I her. There is something special there! Something unique! From these facts does it seem weird? Sex is not that big a deal for me as many other guys, it was before, but this is not the issue here. And thank u for all of the honest answers! Really appreciate it!

[7luminaries]

August, hello there!

If you are not planning to try to use sex as the glue -- then good on you! You can actually build something real IF she is also on the same page.
If I were you, I would let her know I want to just talk and snuggle and hang out, so that I know that she loves me for me...you're not a piece of meat either, after all.

It is pretty casual and messed up to do what she did. If she does this regularly or on occasion to get a boost, then it sounds as if she is either very unstable/messed in the head...OR she's a predator and uses sex as a weapon, intentionally without feeling, to manipulate men.

If she however basically never did that before or since...and if she is stable and trustworthy as a rule...then you may be able to build something. It's hard to say but if she is much over 18 or 20, then the behaviour you describe is not a good sign. And if she is much under 18 or 20, then it's also not a good sign. (I assume you're both of age).

Until they gain quite a bit of spiritual maturity, men are notoriously poor judges of character re: women and invariably go for women who appear to be sexually on the make, who of course are often predatory or unstable (hence "all my exes are mad [women]"). What men need to do is not have sex with someone until it's clear 1) that you mutually love one another authentically and 2) that the woman is not being used for sex AND 3) that the man is not being manipulated by sex.

#3 is JUST as important as #2 and it certainly may take more than 1 weekend to figure out if she is interested in your or just in having a man on hand to grovel at her feet because she has female parts that you like...and especially if your heart is also involved and you are eager to believe the best. Trust (cautiously), but verify (full-on).

Be very sure about #3, because your honour and your dignity and your self-respect are the most important things you will ever possess, and they are hard-won and not easily regained. If she loves you, there is certainly no need on her part to rush to have sex, and she should be able to understand where you are coming from.

Peace & blessings
7L

[august2803]

So, she said she did not know if she was ready yet to do anything sexual and that she had to listen to her body. She had a period of hating me after i dumped her, never as a friend, but sexually/romantically. I am 24 and have never been in a serious relationship, She is 23 years of age and was in a relationship from 17-21,she didnt dare to break up for like half a year when she wanted to. her year of 22 she had sex with 6 men, i guess it is normal to experiment, but she found out it is not the way to do it. I dont know if she uses sex to manipulate men, i wouldnt think so. She said she did not have one night stands at least. She seems way smarter and mature than most women, older women as well, that i have dated! Thank you for sharing and caring:) Do you know a way i can find out if she loves me for me? She is willing to give me one more chance and she doesnt have a hard time finding interested men lol. Thats gotta be something. I guess i am pretty scared of comitting, but i would be with anyone:/ the universe is sending me towards this girl though, that is pretty clear, both of us have felt a deep longing since the day i let her go, is that healthy or not? Lol! Thank you!!

[august2803]

And i dont feel manipulated by the sex, i have been with girls who know more tricks and would be seen as "better" in bed, but our connection is better than with any other and trumphs everything else