For those who keep track I've been through some rough times, for those who doesn't and are curious you can read up on my thread. The latest is that I severed contact with my mother who I suspected of being abusive in February. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but to this day I've kept her away. I also did this shortly after I got dumped by a girl I liked, that event is part of the reason I cut of my mom.
Until recently I've just been in pain and constantly stressed about it, just going through the days confused about my life. Problems started piling up, I wasn't taking enough care. It all intensified and work environment stress piled up on top of that. Furthermore my father was accused of rape and my grandfather got cancer he can't be cured of. How much stress can I take? Quite a lot apparently.
It became so much I thought I would never get through it, but I was wrong. I won't run from the life I've built, I won't give up my dreams, I'm gonna work hard for it. It wasn't easy, because I realized I had to move from dependence to independence. I couldn't be looking other places for what I know is good for me, nobody can know what I need better than myself. However, what part of me knows? Where do I find this magical voice? Through patience and persistence I made myself shut up, I made myself stop thinking. It really was like stopping a freight train, it had gained massive momentum but the train tracks was leading off a cliff. Without the metaphors it means I recognized I would be in a huge mess if I hadn't stopped myself.
The problem isn't solved by just stopping the train, not even the Buddha remained still indefinitely. I don't see all the paths I can go, so what do I do? I'm still and remaining so logically gets me nowhere, where's the path I want to take? A frightening realization occurs, I don't know what I want. How can this be? I've known what I wanted before, there's a billion things I could want and I want nothing. Is nothing a thing to want? Indeed it is, trying to want something when I want nothing is pretending and thus a self-deception. So for a while I was floating, going to work, going home, looking at the sun, sleeping and generally doing nothing intentionally.
That's not a bright fire, it's a faint glow. I found out what I wanted and needed, I needed someone to love like there was no tomorrow. There was no obvious available options around me and my every past attempt had been a failure. I desired this, but my desires had been denied. It made me miserable to think I can't get what I want, I can't stand watching myself suffer anymore. I felt tremendous pain letting go of that desire and accept the possibility I'll die alone, but afterwards I was better than ever without having this unfulfilled desire hanging over me. Now there's a fire starting in me, it needed some protection as it could easily be blown out.
I felt free, I no longer felt I had to impress a girl. I think that part came from the abuse I suffered, always having to be "perfect" to be liked by my mother. No longer, no more, I am to be who and what I am. In a matter of a week after that I bump into a girl. I remember having given up, I'm trying to resist. She's cute, nice, funny, comfortable and I feel like I could never forgive myself if I turned her down. The fire is growing in strength, but I'm scared about putting more fuel into it. However if I don't fuel my love, how can it ever grow strong? Either by someone else throwing fuel at it or never at all, the former of which I've tried before without success. I didn't turn her down, I threw fuel into the fire and shared the warmth. I've seen her a few times now, I feel good about the whole thing which I didn't really do with the others before her.
The fire is growing into a bright light, everything is so clear to me and life is so good. The work environment stress is gone even though objectively speaking the environment is the same. My father and step-mother is still together, they went through the adversity as they've always done and still love each other. My mother has probably hit rock bottom, she doesn't dare speak to me. I've spent some time with my grandfather, it hurts me to know I spent so little time with him and now he can pass at any moment. He's an inspiration to watch though, he's still cracking jokes. I have one goal that precedes all others and that is to love life, that fire is burning bright to make that goal be achieved every day for the rest of my days.
Last note: I'm using this forum as a blog or journal, helps to put words to how I feel. I also feel it's good to post it somewhere I know someone can see it, these notes have little use hidden away in a personal journal.
You're all welcome to comment or ask questions of course
That's a wonderful story Dwerg
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