Divorce with Toddler, Bipolar

[Louisa]

Thank you, everyone for all your replies. I appreciate all the things you have said. I feel better prepared now, and less likely to make a selfish or emotional decision. The truth is, it is very complicated, but life often is. I shouldn't short cut or oversimplify any part of it, and I need to acknowledge my own weakness and mistakes in all of this as well.

It seems like you are in a very unhealthy relationship. From the sound of all the underhanded manipulation he has done, I definitely think you need to leave him behind (as much as you can). That kind of verbal abuse affects you emotionally and psychologically. Its best if your daughter is not around that kind of behavior, it will negatively affect her. I would bet that he has some mental illness(es) too. When unacknowledged, they can become devastatingly insidious.

Dealing with mental illness can be so hard. But there are resources out there to help. I hope there are support groups around you. There is one in my area that is very successful.
Maybe there are some churches you can attend too? Religion aside... I feel that church communities offer really great support to its members.

Be careful about approaching couples therapy... as I think it is only effective if both members are willing participants and have a sincere desire to make changes. Your husband may not be willing, but that is something you'll have to figure out.

As far as custody... not sure what the laws are there... but here, some people have to start out with shared custody... and if your partner exhibits enough episodes of being unstable/unfit, you will then be able to take further legal action to gain full custody.
Getting therapy for yourself will show that you are actively working with your bipolar illness (in case he would use that against you in court). Judges should take notice and like that.

Have you tried medication since you were younger? If not, I think it would be worth another try. Those medications can have a much different effect depending on age. This is why it can be dangerous for younger people to use them (as I think you experienced).

If you try meds again, you have to be patient with them... give them time to really build up and adjust in your body... it could take a few months. Side effects can being unpleasant at first but for many people they will dissipate over time (I had that experience with SSRIs).

Do you have any friends that could help you out? 'Distant' relatives?

As for jobs... see if there are career placement services around you.

Also, depending where you live, disability may be an option. Do you live in the US? If you find you are really unable to sustain a job and your lifestyle due to your health problems, filing for disability can help.

I hope you find some great resources!

[Louisa]

Missrachel, yes, the relationship is very unhealthy now, but it hasn't always been this bad. I hate taking about it in a way, because if you could only see how kind, loving and devoted he's been over the years and what a caring guy he can be. I'm not making excuses for him, but it's just so sad and complicated. He helped me heal from my depression as well, (but it came back and eventually he lost patience). We've been through a lot and I used to be cruel and selfish to him too - things I learned from my parents' examples (but not so manipulative as he's been). As I treated him better and learned better relationship and communication skills, he started treating me worse, gradually. Maybe it was karmic payback for me or stored up resentment in him. Or maybe he then saw me as weak and decided to take full advantage at that point.

I feel glad to have been through this with him, because now I can recognize this kind of abuse and not get involved with it again. I also learned a lot about keeping the peace, peaceful arguing, negotiating (all things I was going to try on him - but of course they didn't work with him - it takes two). I also learned a lot about relationships, what I need and want, and I probably will never have another relationship, because I see that I'm not compatible with most people. So hopefully this was just a stepping stone in my spiritual path that will make me wiser and stronger. But my husband helped and cared and gave me so much over the years and I am grateful to him and I wish he could be more innocent and kind like he used to be.

I think he must have psychological issues, perhaps from his very troubled childhood. But that is for him to work through, I guess. I don't know if he will or not.

I do think I can find support groups and community groups that may be very supportive. I will try to look for things like that, because I really guess I shouldn't be alone. Maybe, as Nada said, I really can improve my social skills with counseling. I didn't have much therapy for that in particular, so I suppose it's possible. I don't know how much of it is just my social skills, and how much of it is just who I am, which can't be changed without compromising my happiness and sense of self.

I think I won't do couples therapy, on further thought, because it might make things worse between us and during the divorce.

I will have to check into the custody issues further. Maybe I could prove somehow that he's not a stable parent, now or later.

I guess maybe I should get therapy in case he decides to use my bipolar issues against me in court, as you say. We don't have much money for therapy, but I guess maybe we can come up with the money. The last time I went off medication was I think when I was 19 or 20... I don't remember for sure. So maybe it could be worth another try. I didn't realize it could have a different affect by age. I will have to look into that. Maybe that could be my answer.

I don't have any friends or family that could really help me - my sister when she finishes med school - but that's years from now. I think I shouldn't rely on her, because she is very negative at times and I fear living close by her could strain our relationship too much as well. The rest of my family will all be siding against me for divorcing my husband. They are all very fundamentalist, ultra conservative, save the marriage at (almost) all costs in their ideas. My sister and I are the 2 exceptions.

I will look for career placement services too.

I will look into disability too. If I could prove that I can't drive, maybe I could get some help with that, and as for the bipolar, I don't know if that's considered disability. It can be disabling, but it's not always, in my case. Mostly it saps my motivation, though, and it makes me very prone to mood swings. I take a different lifestyle to keep me on an even keel. But if I have the right things to keep me feeling happy and meaningful about life, then I can coast through the low times. Also, with diet, sunlight (vitamin D), exercise, nontoxic surroundings - all affect my bipolar issues. As for the chemical sensitivities, they're not recognized by doctors as valid health issues, so that's something I'll have to deal with on my own. I do live in the US. I will look into those things.

You bring up a lot of good points. Thank you. I feel better about things and more focused thinking of it all. I'm sure if I plan it thoroughly enough I can manage it all and create a good life for my daughter and me.

I think you will make out just fine. :)

Its awful when relationships take a turn for the worse :/
Take the lessons and love with you, they will always be yours.
It seems like you are ready for something better now.

[Louisa]

Thanks, missrachel. I think we will be fine. I guess it's easy to feel like reacting quickly in these situations, but I know I have time to think it through, and plan it all. Then I think things will find a way and I will realize all the little details that I can't neglect, in something as fragile as this.

I wonder where life will take me now. It seems like the past several years I keep having massive changes in my life and my mindset and experiences dramatically changing, so I'm only sitting here wondering what on earth is in store for me after this change - surely the hugest change ever - to leave behind not only my husband, but my whole family. And likely move to another area eventually, if I can. To be independent for the first time in my life and go who knows where. I am just patiently planning and then waiting to see where life will take me. So it's exciting but scary.

I do want to end things on a positive note with my husband. Maybe it will help him move in a more positive direction with his life. I think we are some kind of soul mates (or maybe a karmic soul connection). He's definitely changed my life and taught me all kinds of things, and given me our daughter now, without whom I'm sure I'd be quite lost.

I actually was led to think I should stay with him, through divination. Now I wonder if that was a ploy to get my husband to stop harassing me. I told him I was planning to stay, and then things were much more peaceful for a while, till this last episode when he tried to turn our daughter against me. After that I told him, no we're getting a divorce, and then things started getting quite worse. Sometimes I wonder if I should lie to him just to keep things peaceful till I am well prepared to leave. Oh well, anyway, many things to think about and plan but I think we will be fine in the long run.

Thanks, it is nice to talk about this and get different perspectives and ideas. It reminds me the world is not such a bad place after all. lol