Confession: I dropped my standards BIG TIME

I hope this isn't too personal for this board; if it is I'm sure the administrator will remove it anyway, so I'm just going to go ahead and tell it: I had an affair with a married man, recently.

For anyone who doesn't know from my previous threads: I'm a 30 year old gay (black---I mention for cultural significance) man who is attracted to masculine men who carry themselves as straight. I like femininity on a woman but not at all on a man. Well, if you're at all familiar with the gay community you know that it's very hard to come across a gay person (especially one who's "out") who isn't eccentric or overly flamboyant. But I myself am one of those men who carry themselves as "straight"---not that I date women, but my demeanor never gives me away.

With this being the case, if I have ever run into a man who is my type, 9 times out of 10, I would never know if we were compatible, because he is usually as scared as I am to approach first. So, I have, for the most part, resorted to finding mates through Online gay dating/hookup/social networking sites... A few years ago, I ran into this guy on there who was my type, masculine, independent (so I thought), and well-to-do. We hit it off and really wanted to meet up for a long time but never could because of distance and schedule issues, and I was not as nearly as independent as he was. I had a friend who knew about me to actually drive me to his place---because he lived in the same city. There was a lot I went through just to meet up with him that night. Admittedly, it was for a hookup. When I got there, I wasn't disappointed at all. But once I got comfortable he admitted something to me: His fiance' was out of town and they were supposed to be tying the knot the very next day! Nowhere on his profile did it mention any of this; as a matter of fact, his status was listed as "single."
Well, I wanted to tell him we couldn't do anything, but aside from not wanting to make him mad or disappoint him, I considered that I had gone through all of this and didn't want to waste all of the effort, so I did something I never did before or thought much about ever being put in the position; I had an affair with a (soon-to-be) married man.

I've always had this thing in me that disliked the idea of having someone's leftovers, so, I could be highly attracted to a guy, but if I found out that he was married, in a relationship with a girl, or even Bisexual, my attraction to him would turn off like the flick of a light switch. Plus I just felt it was wrong to want to own something that belonged to someone else. Well, the older I got, the less black-and-white I became when it came to sexuality. ...And a couple of years after the guy mentioned above, I met this beautiful, all-American college jock, Online, who just seemed too good to be true---I even told me friends how it seemed to good. well, it turned out that it was. He was a perfect gentleman, however (everything about him was perfect!) and he did ask me what I wanted out of it---though I can't say I was completely honest with him (or myself); I wanted more than a one-night-stand. And I asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said "something like that," (either his profile status was "single" or I just overlooked it altogether, because wouldn't have even met with him if his page stated he was even talking to anyone else. But I guess I was too excited over how compatible we were, that I didn't pay much attention to it) So, again, not wanting to pass up what I felt was a rare opportunity, I indulged in something that I knew was wrong---to and for me.

The last time was just early this morning. Same scenario... We met up, neither of us were disappointed (it really was like a blind meeting, as he was too discreet to share his photo---but I did feel I could trust his reasoning) and once we started talking he came out and told me that he normally would keep it to himself but that he didn't want to lie to me; he admitted that he had a wife and a child. Well, we both had already discussed what we were coming there to do. So, again, I had an angel and a devil on my shoulders. I told him that I usually don't like to deal with anyone who is in a relationship as it is bad karma, that if I got in a committed relationship one day and someone cheated on me I couldn't get mad because I would know that I reaping what I sowed. but he explained to me how I should look at it that way. He also explained to me how he liked men more than women (which I would've never guessed if I didn't know it about him--there was definitely nothing "gay" about him), how a lot of people know him (even wouldn't walk with me on certain sides of the street as he didn't want anyone he knew to see him), how he has a certain image to maintain (the same thing my football jock said), how he never would want his daughter to know that he was gay, and it even sounded sometimes like he was insinuating that he had some kind of...I'll say hyper-masculine affiliation or something of the sort as he made a comment about the way he gets things that I have to work and pay for. Again, I wanted to say no but didn't want to say no---and he wasn't pressuring me at all, but did consider the possibility of me having a "wasted trip," so I took everything he had said and rationalized the situation in my mind... And, I got what I went for.

So, this was the 3rd time I knowingly messed around with someone who was already in a committed relationship. Each of them have maintained that no one has to or would ever find out (just because I don't talk and they know it), and none of them seemed to have an ounce of guilt about what they were doing. But I, myself, feel like scum; and I'm just being honest. I know a lot of you might even say some very disparaging things to me. But I can't blame you. I'm really just getting it off my chest; I've reasoned that maybe I never really forgave myself for that first encounter with the soon-to-be-married man in. and I was tempted so many times to call him up again (because I was highly attracted to him), as I felt I had already dug my grave so I might as well have lied in it; I had to delete his number--a few times and try to forget everything I possibly could about him (as well as confessing my actions to some friends), in order to keep myself from doing it again. But it's obvious that I let a boundary be crossed that once crossed became no longer a boundary. I had promised myself I'd never do this again, but now I think any of my future relationships are doomed to fail because I have created some bad karma. And I was just on the brink of embarking on my first love-relationship---as I have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before. I did everything the proper way this time, and it has almost seemed like I was about to experience that fairy-tale-like love story, as the circumstances have all been just right and the guy is the most beautiful man I have ever met in my entire life! Now, it's like my past has come back to haunt me in a way that I wasn't anticipating. Now all I can do is wonder who's going to come between me and him when/if we officially become a couple.

I really like this guy. He doesn't seem like a bad guy, despite some characteristics I've mentioned. I had to trust him first to even agree to meet him (while it was dark outside) without him having a photo. He seems to be a very genuine guy (we did have a deep conversation), just seems like someone who's trapped. But I am going to tell him that we can't do anything anymore, though I would still like to keep talking to him (on a platonic level), if the potential for friendship hasn't been ruined?

[twinkle]

Do you really think you can just be friends without having sexual feelings? Once you had sex, it is hard to not think about it again.

[Tobi]

Fire7 I know you feel you have let yourself and others down. But in my opinion, you haven't done anything "bad". Remember it takes two to form any kind of relationship or sexual adventure.
But you don't wish to go there again....? Might be a very good idea not to because infidelity causes such upset. It can soon become a pattern.
The good thing about online dating sites is you can find people with whom you have something in common....the downside is they can lie. Or think it's fine to do what they do. But you feel differently.
Please forgive yourself for things you did. If you knew some of the things I once did !! Phew-ee!
But I don't do them any more. I am different now. That's the best any of us can do.
Try to let go of what you did, smile, and move on. After all, they are simply life experiences. We all have to go through those.

Fire7, Don't beat yourself up over this. Some of us have done things in the past we regret. It's the person in a relationship that is doing wrong, in leading a double life.

[DoctorStrange]

Forgive yourself for what you think you did wrong, or what you feel guilty about, and move on.

Online dating has it's issues with people not being totally honest. I think the best might be to find a totally honest partner who isn't even perfect. Perfection does not exist, however here's hoping the very best for you

[awakeningheart]

Fire7...what the others say is correct..the only 'wrong' thing you did was not listening to your heart that told you that you are worth more than what this guy has to offer you.

I've been in your position - fell hard for someone who was already married and spent years believing myself to be the awful person that society says the 'other woman/man' is...and I'm not that person. And neither are you. You deserve so much more than that.

Don't let this one guy taint your future relationships. YOU were not the one who was married and cheating. YOU deserve someone who loves you deeply and with respect. But you have to love yourself and respect yourself first in order to attract that special person.