some advice please

[lostchild88]

Okay. So, I posted something about arguing all the time in my relationship. hmm.. I don't know where to start. So, I've been with my bf on and off for three yrs, broke up many times in the past. First time we broke up, was because I never really been in a real relationship and he always wanted to be around, and I've always liked hanging out with my friends and always put them before anyone else. So we ended things the first time around because I wasn't ready to commit to someone and not be able to be with my friends when I wanted to.

We somehow ended up back together, and we dated for six months and ended things because he wanted me to change things about myself that I didn't see a problem with. Then somehow four months after that break up we bumped into each other and we still had feelings one another and started things back up.

Now, this is a pattern that I've had with almost everyone I've dated. I do love him, we are the same person but at the same time different. I sometimes feel like we've shared a past life. When we argue really bad is like we hate each other. I tend to try to make him see the good out of things and he tends to want to stay on the negative side of things. We were raised differently. I was raised to do things for myself, he was more babied his whole life. When things don't go his way he tends to want to make people feel sorry for him. In my opinion his life might be a little difficult but he got everything handed to him. And I always bring up the fact that there's people who are worse off and that triggers him with anger because he says I never take his side. I guess I was taught tough love and I happen to carry it into my relationship.

He tends to want to rely on other people while I'm more of do it yourself type of person. An example is, His mom refuses to do his laundry meanwhile hes a grown man lol He would sit there and pout and go on and on about how she isn't a stay at home mom because she doesn't take care of the house chores.. But I see it as there's no reason why a 23 yr old should have his mother doing his laundry and going off on her and making her cry because his laundry isn't done.. The things that he complains about are all things that can be fixed.

Well, anyway, I've always thought that we brought together because we can both learn a lot from each other. He has a wonderful heart and he's made me half the person I am today. I've changed so much because of him, for the better of course. But then there's days where we fight and I feel like we just hurt each other so much to the point where I feel like we're pushing each other way too far.

Like I said, I do love him but the arguments are just getting way too much to handle. We are both very stubborn people. How do you know when enough is enough and is time to move on? Every time I think of it, it makes me sick to my stomach because I do accept him for who he is. But we both know that we can't start a future this way.

The last time we broke up, I had my guide, or at least think it was my guide, come into a dream, where I felt like I was having a heart attack tell me everything would be okay. Now, I think she was referring to ''us'' because a day or two later he said he couldn't do it anymore and it was painful just like in the dream but we ended up back here again.

I know it's a bit long and things are all over the place. I forgot to mention, he likes to talk everything out I mean everything out. And I'm more of a passive person, I can let go of the little things but I need my time Alone! And he finds this to be an issue because he says I run from my problems.

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent

Originally Posted by lostchild88

Okay. So, I posted something about arguing all the time in my relationship. hmm.. I don't know where to start. So, I've been with my bf on and off for three yrs, broke up many times in the past. First time we broke up, was because I never really been in a real relationship and he always wanted to be around, and I've always liked hanging out with my friends and always put them before anyone else. So we ended things the first time around because I wasn't ready to commit to someone and not be able to be with my friends when I wanted to.

We somehow ended up back together, and we dated for six months and ended things because he wanted me to change things about myself that I didn't see a problem with. Then somehow four months after that break up we bumped into each other and we still had feelings one another and started things back up.

Now, this is a pattern that I've had with almost everyone I've dated. I do love him, we are the same person but at the same time different. I sometimes feel like we've shared a past life. When we argue really bad is like we hate each other. I tend to try to make him see the good out of things and he tends to want to stay on the negative side of things. We were raised differently. I was raised to do things for myself, he was more babied his whole life. When things don't go his way he tends to want to make people feel sorry for him. In my opinion his life might be a little difficult but he got everything handed to him. And I always bring up the fact that there's people who are worse off and that triggers him with anger because he says I never take his side. I guess I was taught tough love and I happen to carry it into my relationship.

He tends to want to rely on other people while I'm more of do it yourself type of person. An example is, His mom refuses to do his laundry meanwhile hes a grown man lol He would sit there and pout and go on and on about how she isn't a stay at home mom because she doesn't take care of the house chores.. But I see it as there's no reason why a 23 yr old should have his mother doing his laundry and going off on her and making her cry because his laundry isn't done.. The things that he complains about are all things that can be fixed.

Well, anyway, I've always thought that we brought together because we can both learn a lot from each other. He has a wonderful heart and he's made me half the person I am today. I've changed so much because of him, for the better of course. But then there's days where we fight and I feel like we just hurt each other so much to the point where I feel like we're pushing each other way too far.

Like I said, I do love him but the arguments are just getting way too much to handle. We are both very stubborn people. How do you know when enough is enough and is time to move on? Every time I think of it, it makes me sick to my stomach because I do accept him for who he is. But we both know that we can't start a future this way.

The last time we broke up, I had my guide, or at least think it was my guide, come into a dream, where I felt like I was having a heart attack tell me everything would be okay. Now, I think she was referring to ''us'' because a day or two later he said he couldn't do it anymore and it was painful just like in the dream but we ended up back here again.

I know it's a bit long and things are all over the place. I forgot to mention, he likes to talk everything out I mean everything out. And I'm more of a passive person, I can let go of the little things but I need my time Alone! And he finds this to be an issue because he says I run from my problems.

Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent

Maybe (this may not be the case) he was meant to be in your life for a certain period of time to teach you things about yourself, what you want, who you want to be, how you want to be. Now you find yourself having learned these lessons and are ready for a new path. Just a thought. Not what I think is the case. But ask yourself if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life. You have plenty of time to think it through.

[CrystalSong]

He sounds very high maintence.
If you are the mothering type who needs and appreciates being needed constantly and having someone to always fussover and do everything for then you have a good match.
However from the way you describe your feelings about him displaying immature and childlike responces and manipulations of his mother I would think perhaps this relationship wouldn't suit you as well as one in which you were matched with someone more your of your own emotional maturity level. Just my 2 cents.

[Belle]

the thing that I'm wondering is suppose you were poorly / indisposed and needed to rely on him, you needed him to take care of you, you needed his support? How would he view that?

[Kaere]

If you want to know how a man will treat you in a relationship, pay attention to how he treats and speaks about his mother. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine yourself taking the abuse he's dishing out. When you find a good man (not a petulant boy) who treats you right, go to his mother and thank her.

He makes his momma cry over laundry. Enough said.

Yeah, he does sound pretty immature....unfortunately a lot of the blame for that should be put on his mother...if she has allowed that behaviour for this long, and is still allowing it...no wonder he hasn't changed....
The next questions would be:

Is he going to be willing to "man up" and change his attitudes/behaviour?
Are you willing to continue putting up with it/enabling him, if he's not willing to change?

***Also keep in mind that, as we all do, I'm sure you have issues that he finds frustrating/annoying as well...so if you want him to work on himself, you need to be willing to work on yourself, too, and you meet in the middle. If neither of you are ready/willing to do that..well, there's your answer... ***

[Miss Hepburn]

My advice is always the same...I believe when a person graduates from
High School they should be given..."Getting the Love You Want" by Harvell Hendricks,
" Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" John Gray
"The Five Love Languages" Gary Chapman

Even if u read 3-6 chapters of each book only....boy do problems get solved when
Lightbulbs go off in your head of understanding how relationships work...there are profound insights just in a few little chapters.

And you know why I say this especially, bec of so many divorced friends in their
40s-60s....having a very hard time finding love at that age.
When they could have made their relationships last forever with a little insight.

[lostchild88]

He is immature when it comes to doing certain things for himself... I guess it goes down to how he was raised but at the same time, he doesn't have the best family support system. When he got surgery I was the only one really there for him, taking care of him. While his family when on and about their life's even going as far as making him get out of bed to get them dinner.

His mom is a hoarder, his clothing get lost all the time. Yes it is wrong for him to go and spend money on stuff for it to get lost. But he's old enough to fix these things. Like I said, he sometimes likes to be felt bad for. As far as him being there for me, he has always been there for me. I can't complain about that we treat each other like we're married whenever we each need one another. The problem is when arguments start, we're both so stubborn that we can't see where we are both are coming from because we're just so stuck on what we are both feeling at the moment that we just don't care about what each of us is going through. And that's the issue.

We both just see black and white, and it gets hard during arguments because there is no balance. But I still feel like he's the one I'm suppose to be with and figure things out with because he's taught me so much and has changed so many things about me for the better and that's what I want to do with him also but is hard to break in to us when we've been this way since we were kids.

He loves his mother. And he says it himself that if he didn't live with her and she didn't have this disease their relationship would be so much better. I can't blame any kid for the way they speak to their parents because it is up to the parent to show their kids where to draw the line.