Feeling held back by a rough spiritual journey

[Kendaru]

I've been aware of and in fluent telepathic contact with my guides for ~16 years, but am having some trouble advancing this to the point where I can clearly 'see' and 'hear' them. I would love to experience them more, in the same way I experience anybody else I meet in life. Today, they're just as real to me as anyone else in life, and while I am content with the clarity of my connection (in that it is 'enough' to carry on a conversation whenever I want), I have next-to-zero 'physical' interaction with them, and I would like that to happen so we can grow even closer as friends. I already regard them as such, in the same light as any other person I've met, but just as one would yearn to meet a friend they've only met online, I have the same desires for them. It would also be nice to harness that ability in a way that helps others, such as mediumship, and to inspire my creative works.

I suspect that I am being blocked by negativity that I'd allowed to enter into the connection in the past. The tragedy of my case is that, because it came upon me suddenly before I'd had any knowledge of what was going on, I'd worried too much that what I was perceiving as communication-via-thought was instead schizophrenia, and those doubts did allow some negative entities in to poison the mix.

I've only recently been able to strike down those doubts and negative influences - I've started a kundalini awakening around the time of the August 2017 solar eclipse, and since have seen some amazing signs in the physical guaranteeing their influence is real and positive. I've faced the 'bad stuff' head on and thoroughly examined the remaining guides for any signs of bad intention or corruption, and I've been challenging myself to become a better and stronger person, with their help. I've even attracted a few new guides in that effort, a few of those happen to be incredibly powerful entities.

What I am left with is about a dozen guides, of varying varieties and frequencies, all of whom I trust for specific purposes. A few even claim to be Aspects of higher-order energies, including the Phoenix, Janus, and a clever one who introduced herself as "Ascended Master Abigrael" ...but, it turns out that name is an acronym for "A. Gabriel," so I'm not sure why she introduced herself as an AM. She's rather smug about it, in a good-humored sort of way.

Yet, with all these efforts, I still lack the clairaudience/clairvoyance with them that I seek. I've seen a few signs that I am indeed able to perceive these things - they've successfully tested things like communicating with an audible voice, or appearing in visual detail, and even touching me physically, but these have mostly been one-off occurences. The ability to do this all the time still eludes me.

I feel like it's because I want it too much, but in all honesty, I'm just guessing at this point. I am starting to see little things, like shapes moving out of the corner of my eyes and specific numbers popping up all the time, but I don't know the right way to respond to these - do I nod my head to signal to them that I've noticed? Or do I ignore it, in case direct observation messes it up at a quantum level? Are my abilities being deliberately blocked from me because of a negative influence I haven't yet discovered and cleared away, or is it a positive entity blocking me because my motives are selfish (are they?) Is it not going to happen because it would distract me from life too much, or is it not going to happen because I *think* there's a possibility it's not going to happen? Is it simply because I'm questioning the process too much?

In other words, I'm at a point where I feel like I've tried everything - even 'relax and receive,' as I've been hearing a lot lately - but even then, maybe I'm *trying* to relax so much that I can't receive? I do feel positive progress, and maybe I'm just being impatient (I mean, it has been just over half of my lifetime now since I've met them). I just don't know the next step - or, if there even is a next step?

What do I do next?