Depression

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by shivatar

What is the difference between caring for others vs about others?

What is the taboo of caring about others?

The difference is caring about what they think/believe about you which may not be true and caring what they do, which you may not like, but cannot change.

I edited my post above with something:

What I think is that you are spending way too much time overthinking and criticising every little situation that comes your way...then allowing yourself to stew in your own juices for weeks and months afterwards! - also, as unfortunate as it is...weed does that. It's one of the reasons why I gave it up in January .

Weed forces some to introspect and to overthink. It did this to me as well.

I would experience a negative thing, have a few cones and instead of chilling and letting it go, it would replay over and over in my mind and then the paranoia would start; "maybe they are going to say/do this next time I see them" and "maybe this/that is going to happen" and "what am I going to do if it does?" I started playing out and reacting to every single imagined scenario in my mind and then all I did was sit on my hiney all day and toke more weed...I'd go through half an ounce a week.

Then in January, my dealer got busted with 5 ounces in his car and stopped the trade. I knew nobody else who was in the same business, so instead of looking for another source, I turned my full attention towards the Source and I haven't looked back...and all of those stupid, erroneous, depressive thoughts have stopped. Some people can handle weed, some people cannot and that's the whole truth of the matter.

[shivatar]

Eh. The depression has my brain so turned off that even with the boost to creative thinking that weed gives my thoughts and inner dialogue is still notoriously silent.

I'm one of the lucky people who weed actually helps. Or maybe it is unlucky because I have such a strong connection with it. Weed is VERY grounding for me. When I get sober my mood can begin to soar very easily. My good mood can get me into quite a bit of activity but sooner or later the depression comes back and it's those times when I feel like I was crazy to have wanted such social interaction or responsibilities. At those times it's like I'm angry that I let myself get happy. Sounds so backwards, but that's how it happens.

When I get depressed I smoke weed so I don't feel so sad, but the down side is I don't feel like doing much of anything really. not thinking, not enjoying mundane activities like movies, tv, or video games, not trying to do errands or better my life. etc.

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

The difference is caring about what they think/believe about you which may not be true and caring what they do, which you may not like, but cannot change.

I edited my post above with something:



Weed forces some to introspect and to overthink. It did this to me as well.

I would experience a negative thing, have a few cones and instead of chilling and letting it go, it would replay over and over in my mind and then the paranoia would start; "maybe they are going to say/do this next time I see them" and "maybe this/that is going to happen" and "what am I going to do if it does?" I started playing out and reacting to every single imagined scenario in my mind and then all I did was sit on my hiney all day and toke more weed...I'd go through half an ounce a week.

Then in January, my dealer got busted with 5 ounces in his car and stopped the trade. I knew nobody else who was in the same business, so instead of looking for another source, I turned my full attention towards the Source and I haven't looked back...and all of those stupid, erroneous, depressive thoughts have stopped. Some people can handle weed, some people cannot and that's the whole truth of the matter.

[Shivani Devi]

It's not a good idea to smoke weed when you have an underlying mental illness anyway.

The problem with weed, my friend, is that it will give with one hand and take away with two.

It will also have you falsely believing it is 'harmless' and 'I can cope with it...it actually helps me!'

So how is it working for you? you toke...get stoned...watch TV...are too afraid to go outside and leave your little 'comfort zone' and thus you are depressed.

In your signature, you speak of honesty. I shall open myself and be brutal with you now my friend...totally 'no holds barred' raw Necro.

Before 6th January 2017, I was smoking half an ounce of hydro every week...and I did that for ten years! I was having 15-20 cones a day...for ten years!

A year and a half ago, under the effect of weed, I did a whole day of intensive yoga, meditation and chanting culminating in a Shiva Manasa Puja (a form of intense devotional worship) and during it, I raised my kundalini and had a profound mystical experience...problem was, because I was also incredibly stoned, my kundalini traveled up Pingala Nadi instead of Shushumna Nadi and short-circuited my whole brain and autonomic nervous system, leading to many physical and mental problems.

Also, the experience of samadhi totally eclipsed the 'high' I was feeling at the time...it was like 1,000 more times powerful than the weed was and I went into bliss.

After the experience faded, I tried smoking weed again, but every time I did after raising my kundalini, it would make me green out really bad! I would have a few cones and throw my guts up before passing out...still, I kept it up for another 8 months...like a 'bad habit' I couldn't shake...and that's all it was my friend...a 'bad habit' and I also knew that I had tasted the ultimate drug called 'Soma' and everything else pales in comparison to that...pales to the Amrita of Soma.

So that is why I gave it up on the 6th January, after my dealer got busted. I realised I didn't need it anymore and I can also feel/experience that bliss more now and reach those experiences you are trying to recapture/achieve a lot easier without it.

One day you will come on here and say "you know Necro, I have given up the weed...my brain-fog has totally cleared...I can see for miles...it's the best thing I ever did!"

[Shaunc]

Some people say that depression is caused by living in the past and anxiety by living in the future.

[shivatar]

It would seem to me that I'm fighting some sort of "I'm not worthy" belief. That is why I keep myself chained with weed. Or maybe the belief is "I'm too powerful, I'm afraid of myself", either way I chain and limit myself with weed.

Another thing is I'm having difficulty with what I see in the world.

Ever since my awakening I feel I can see people differently. Like I can see right through them, especially when I look into their eyes. For some reason I just don't like that. Maybe I did once upon a time so I unlocked that ability but I don't like it right now. For the life of me I can't figure out why.

it's like I am too awakened. I'm like an autistic child with sensory overload, except the sensory information I get is psychic, emotional, and spiritual. When I smoke weed I can ignore things enough to get some small measure of peace. However I'm growing bored of weeds effect on my memory and the apathy. On the other hand, the more sober I get the more spiritual and "myself" I get. As a person who sometimes hates himself that is a bit of a problem.

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

It's not a good idea to smoke weed when you have an underlying mental illness anyway.

The problem with pot my friend, is that it will give with one hand and take away with two.

It will also have you falsely believing it is 'harmless' and 'I can cope with it...it actually helps me!'

So how is it working for you? you toke...get stoned...watch TV...are too afraid to go outside and leave your little 'comfort zone' and thus you are depressed.

In your signature, you speak of honesty. I shall open myself and be brutal with you now my friend...totally no holds barred raw Necro.

Before 6th January 2017, I was smoking half an ounce of hydro every week...and I did that for ten years! I was having 15-20 cones a day...for ten years!

A year and a half ago, under the effect of weed, I did a whole day of intensive yoga, meditation, chanting culminating in a Shiva Manasa Puja (a form of intense devotional worship) and during it, I raised my kundalini and had a profound mystical experience...problem was, because I was also incredibly stoned, my kundalini traveled up Pingala Nadi instead of Shushumna Nadi and short-circuited my whole brain and autonomic nervous system, leading to many physical and mental problems.

Also, the experience of samadhi totally eclipsed the 'high' I was feeling at the time...it was like 1,000 more times powerful than the weed was and I went into bliss.

After the experience faded, I tried smoking weed again, but every time I did after raising my kundalini, it would make me green out really bad! I would have a few cones and throw my guts up before passing out...still, I kept it up for another 8 months...like a 'bad habit' I couldn't shake...and that's all it was my friend...a 'bad habit' and I also knew that I had tasted the ultimate drug called 'Soma' and everything else pales in comparison to that...pales to the Amrita of Soma.

So that is why I gave it up on the 6th January, after my dealer got busted. I realised I didn't need it anymore and I can also feel/experience that bliss more now and reach those experiences you are trying to recapture/achieve a lot easier without it.

One day you will come on here and say "you know Necro, I have given up the weed...my brain-fog has totally cleared...I can see for miles...it's the best thing I ever did!"

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by shivatar

It would seem to me that I'm fighting some sort of "I'm not worthy" belief. That is why I keep myself chained with weed. Or maybe the belief is "I'm too powerful, I'm afraid of myself", either way I chain and limit myself with weed.

Another thing is I'm having difficulty with what I see in the world.

Ever since my awakening I feel I can see people differently. Like I can see right through them, especially when I look into their eyes. For some reason I just don't like that. Maybe I did once upon a time so I unlocked that ability but I don't like it right now. For the life of me I can't figure out why.

it's like I am too awakened. I'm like an autistic child with sensory overload, except the sensory information I get is psychic, emotional, and spiritual. When I smoke weed I can ignore things enough to get some small measure of peace. However I'm growing bored of weeds effect on my memory and the apathy. On the other hand, the more sober I get the more spiritual and "myself" I get. As a person who sometimes hates himself that is a bit of a problem.

It's funny you mention that because I'm on the spectrum myself, I've also had a spiritual awakening which I'd call more than just an 'awakening' - more like 'wake up, get out of bed and go greet the sun NAO!"

Anyway, for an ex-stoner who is also autistic and has now realised Brahman, do you know how totally freaking weird that gets perceptually?

I went out shopping with my mum a few weeks ago, perfectly sober...I was waiting for her, outside a store...sitting down and just going into a light trance to pass the time...but the trance decided it didn't want to be just a 'light one' did it?

Before I knew it, everything I saw began to dissolve and merge into each other, like some kind of Mary Poppins chalk drawing on the pavement when then the rain starts and I was like "woooahhhh" and I was looking...my eyes were open, but I saw nothing! I mean, things were there, but I could not see them!

After that, I could not feel my bottom on the seat, my feet on the floor, my hands in my lap in the Bhairava Mudra...I couldn't hear the beautiful Shiva kirtan playing on my iPod (which probably started it all off) and I was like "here we go AGAIN" and my mum came out of the shop, couldn't rouse me...but she's pretty used to my trance states and she's going "not AGAIN". lol

Meanwhile I was just immersed in the bliss of Brahman and I must have been grinning like a Cheshire cat because my 'smile muscles' all hurt so much!

So yeah, now you have seen and understood your whole problem. That is the first step...think about it for a while and decide whether you are happy staying where you are or you want or change it...because you know, nothing is going to change unless you do...and even Mahatma Gandhi said it:

http://www.pravsworld.com/wp-content...-The-World.jpg

Oh joy!! Rudrashtakam just came on the Hindu radio station I listen to! How fortuitous..

[Shivani Devi]

Just continuing...

So, when my mum saw me in that state, she took herself off to the toilet, went to the cafe and had a cup of coffee, looked in a few shops...came back about half an hour later and by that time I had landed back on earth, but everything was still dancing and swimming before my eyes and when I walked, it reminded me of that Police song "Walking on the Moon' and I was just laughing.

Another thing that happens after bliss, is that I tend to walk around with my arms totally outstretched, my head flung back, looking at the sky and totally taking everything that is without, into myself...all the energy of the whole universe....even dancing occasionally.

...and of course, mum is there going "stop it! you stop that right now! you are being silly" and I laugh more, but I comply and my hands just start performing hundreds of mudras instead...and she's like "are you ready to go home now?" and I'm like "ready when you are" and so, we get into the car, I hook up my iPod to the car's stereo system and put on the most energetic Shiva bhajan I can find...punctuated with myself going "BHAM BHAM BHOLE!" whilst she is giving me very quizzical looks amidst facepalms and just shaking her head.

The bliss usually wears off in a few days, when I get immersed in 'things of the world' again, but I don't get depressed anymore.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by shivatar

I'm really bad about crying. I will hold and hold until my brain starts to mal-function. I will literally go crazy before I cry, but not very crazy, just a few toes in the water then I get scared lol.

And why are we afraid to release our emotions through tears? Perhaps because we do not want to revisit painful episodes and re-experience all that pain.

But I finally reached a stage where I realised that the pain of resistance was harder to bear than the original pain I was trying to avoid. It sounds as if you are in a similar place. When we become comfortable with shedding tears then it can be very cleansing and cathartic.

Peace.

[Astro]

The purpose of depression in spiritual development is to teach you where to find the joy in life, & how to take better care of your mental health.

I'm also thinking that you might have developed psychosis shivatar, from smoking that plant.
http://cannabisandpsychosis.ca/more-...-is-psychosis/

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

Just continuing...

So, when my mum saw me in that state, she took herself off to the toilet, went to the cafe and had a cup of coffee, looked in a few shops...came back about half an hour later and by that time I had landed back on earth, but everything was still dancing and swimming before my eyes and when I walked, it reminded me of that Police song "Walking on the Moon' and I was just laughing.

Another thing that happens after bliss, is that I tend to walk around with my arms totally outstretched, my head flung back, looking at the sky and totally taking everything that is without, into myself...all the energy of the whole universe....even dancing occasionally.

...and of course, mum is there going "stop it! you stop that right now! you are being silly" and I laugh more, but I comply and my hands just start performing hundreds of mudras instead...and she's like "are you ready to go home now?" and I'm like "ready when you are" and so, we get into the car, I hook up my iPod to the car's stereo system and put on the most energetic Shiva bhajan I can find...punctuated with myself going "BHAM BHAM BHOLE!" whilst she is giving me very quizzical looks amidst facepalms and just shaking her head.

The bliss usually wears off in a few days, when I get immersed in 'things of the world' again, but I don't get depressed anymore.

I stopped myself from feeling bliss a long time ago. I think it was because I realized I couldn't control a bliss state. Less bliss made it easier to function the way I wanted, which was on a very mundane level of consciousness. I wanted to get involved in the world and the bliss state made that very difficult.

Now I am on the other side of the fence, thinking the grass is greener on the bliss side. It was easy to go from bliss to not bliss. Going from not bliss back into bliss is proving very difficult.