Autistic trait: Too much going on?

This is just out of curiosity I'm asking this. Have a luv who I have written about here before and he is slightly or how I now should put it autistic and waiting for further more knowledge, help about this only he does not think he needs that unless it has to do with his difficulty of recognizing various faces/people (he confuses them, nightmare for him if they are dressed alike, and in some jobs they do dress alike so you know at airports, restaurants). And over time now understanding more about anxiety etc.

He is someone really smart and so I was not aware of how much he has adjusted his life and life choices just because he thinks he will offend people and they will misunderstand him and he can't even tell them apart (and yes sometimes people can get offended by that). He has been offered and people in the organisation he has been working in (and the bosses always very pleased with his work results) has tried to push him forward, and there has been lots of frustration from his first family, especially a narc-parent, who don't understand why he just won't do it. I have understood that this is up to him and he should do what feels right for him so I have never pressured him in any way or even encouraged him. I have only encouraged him to do, work with what he enjoys working with.

So I know he has trouble with faces, reading off faces - unless that face is someone who is highly sensitive or sensitive, he has no trouble at all reading mine, for instance. He is good looking and he has a charm, and humor, to him but he is not outgoing, but I can tell you, boy has he missed some serious social signs of women flirting with him or what.

I usually have a basic style, and he has said he thinks I am "a natural beauty" (this was said btw first time i ever heard it, when we were in counseling not knowing if we would make it or split up. He would show a pic of me he always had, but that was only on my face. And he had before complained about my weight... so I told him what happened to the rest of the body then, how come that ain't in the picture, is that too much natural beauty for you or what?). Before that it has never exactly been as if I am used to receiving compliments from him, more so complaints. Complaints he has no difficulty giving.

And here we go to the complaints. So I would notice if I did something, like for fun getting eye lashes or doing the nails or I would wear clothes that had more pattern to them, dots etc that he would react and not in a positive way.

One time I remember I guess I felt the pressure as I knew or I thought he was so good looking himself that I had to somehow step up, and so as I could see the women looking his way, and trying to flirt and what they looked like, I figured alright then, here we go, guess I'm gonna go and buy myself those fake nails then etc. This was a long time ago, btw.

I remember he came walking towards me, we were to meet in the city and as he got closer he kind of stop and had this sort of mischievous look to him, and studied me somewhat. (here I had put all this trouble with those god dam eye lashes and those fake nails and I don't know what else I had been up to - the hours it took). He was asking what was up with me, what was "all that"? Oh and I had also tried the high heel concept, the whole go on stilt experience. One time he told he "you have amazing legs, but you should get off those before you break any bones". All I heard was of course "Amazing legs" and was as happy as I could be. Never mind that I stood there like a new born giraff. What can I say? I've tried. I know when we were dating and I was wearing different set of high heels then too and he would have to catch me or be ready too and it might have looked as if I was drunk even if I was not, "You OK there? You're good?" he would ask and would just smile at me. I was shy then, embarrass and just mumbled something, new shoes. In the end I took those off and walked barefoot, much better. Ah, the relief. One time I was having a party and opened the door, this was summer time so I went inside and outside the garden anyhow, and so I was barefoot (I love being barefoot) and this guest that I opened the door to began at once to lecture me how could I be barefoot, and I went Oh, no, what's gonna happen, are we all gonna die?!, but the guest (family member) did not appreciate that "joke" so told me as if I was a child to go and "Put something on!". I said my house, my rules. Welcome, guest.

Anyways what I have noticed is that if I have clothes on that have patterns, different colors, dots, straight lines, what it now may be - that he says early on that it is "too much going on". Too he wants the home as basic as you can get, he told me: maximum 2 colors, I told him: forget it.

If anyone is autistic out there - here on the forum, I mean - or knows someone who is - have you experience that they prefer the basics? That is one color (…or maximum 2, just kidding) , as little as possible going on in people's faces (like make up, fake this, fake that)?

Very often he had had complaints when I wear something with "too much going on". Sometimes I do like fabrics and different colors and dots and what not, but it is as if he not at all can see that as something fun or positive or pretty. That it is only a disturbance to him.

I have asked him why he cares so much, he says because he has to look at it.

(That he has to look more at my clothes looking at me than what I do).

Could that be down to just his taste that anyone can have or could it be a sign of him being autistic?

[lostsoul13]

The way you write your stories is cute and funny~ I enjoy reading them—-

I’m not familiar with autism: so can’t be much of help..

But it must be confusing not being able to recall faces : I remember I did a physiological experiment: with loads of faces- can’t remember what it was for but I had a mini break down—- doh!

[RedEmbers]

In regards to patterns, we all have different preferences, autistic or not
This is very evident in children from a young age, kids know what they like and are pretty aware of their preferences.
I personally love bright colours, however, certain fabric textures really annoy me haha. I notice this in artistic people who love textiles and sewing as well and they are "neurotypical".

In regards to facial recognition; a trick I have up my sleeve is taking some time to notice one key defining feature on a person.

I sometimes used to walk up to the wrong tall, Caucasian man, thinking he was my ex husband because my ex looks rather generic to me haha. Many people look rather generic to me unless they are very unique in appearance or style.

My ex husband had unique scar though, sometimes I notice someone has a lazy eye, or an oddly shaped eyebrow, or a slight lisp when they speak, something like that and I make a mental note of it. I make a point to observe one key defining characteristic in peoples faces because I often have some trouble distinguishing people in a crowd.

[RedEmbers]

There is an entire spectrum of sensory aversion and sensory seeking to note and people sit in different places on the scale. Some people are more sensory seeking and some more sensory adverse. We all have individual preferences.

Occupational Therapists have tools to measure it in people.

So, for me, I have high sensory seeking behaviours as well as high overwhelm to certain things as well.

So I sometimes LOVE a LOUD concert, I love to feel the vibrations of the music moving through the floor under my feet and I HATE the sound of motorbikes going up the highway and the feeling of the vibrations associated with loud motorbikes driving past me.

I can imagine that bright and busy patterns could be similar in this regard. What I love, someone else can hate.
Sometimes the light just bounces off things all wrong, yet another person might love the light play.

[Traveler]

Reminds me of the time when my daughter was a baby, maybe 6 months old. I went to get my hair trimmed. I ended up getting like 4 inches chopped off so my hair was just over my shoulders by maybe 3 inches. I came into the kitchen and my daughter was sitting in her highchair. She took one look at me and burst out crying, lol. She did not like my haircut! More likely, she didn't recognize me. As soon as I put my hair back in a ponytail (which is how I wore it most of the time), she realized it was me and stopped crying.

Change is difficult for people on the spectrum. But they can and do learn to adjust.

[FallingLeaves]

complicated patterns, yeah prefer simpler. It is just easier to digest... another thing that struck me when I read this is how much I needed to know what to expect... if he is anything like I used to be any change you make to your appearance might throw him for a loop. Not that that is any reason not to indulge in changing your appearance though, as I was eventually quite glad my twin taught me that I couldn't always have things the way I most wanted them to be. Although getting there was somewhat difficult!

Thank you everyone very much for replying, sharing, felt warmth to read your replies :)

(just wish to clarify even if nobody noted on it that I think how ever one wish to look like go for it as I think if we feel good on the inside it will too reflect the outside... I used to have fun with my luv a long time ago...where i would change into something fancy and he would in jeans t-shirt, he would take one look at me and go back and change but I did not mind. when I did the eye lash thing i was only happy i did not glue my eyes instead, not easy sometimes, the external)

[Justin Passing]

@asearcher - I'm probably mildly autistic. Not enough to get a diagnosis I expect, but some of the characteristic traits do fit me.

I can definitely identify with the visual stuff. I don't recognize people visually - or cars, or flowers, or plants, or anything else. I tend to recognize people by their voice, or the way they move, or by context. If it's been a long time and they've changed I'm totally clueless who they are until they tell me. Since this kind of thing tends to offend people I've developed all kinds of coping mechanisms to hide it. It's difficult for people to believe it's not meant as an insult.

When I first started having girlfriends I learned real quick that not noticing changes in their hair/makeup/clothes/whatever was a big no-no. That was a problem because I truly didn't notice. I didn't see a change because I didn't remember what they looked like before. Not really. Not in any detail anyway. This was pointed out to me quite dramatically one day. I was working, and my boss was someone I'd known all through college. Years and years. When I told a client he should go talk to him (the boss) he asked me to describe him. I couldn't. I didn't know his hair color or eye color. I didn't know if he wore glasses. I didn't know what he looked like at all. I'd probably talked to him only hours before but I had no idea what he looked like beyond his height and the fact that he was male. Hours or minutes - it doesn't matter. I simply don't remember visual things. To remember visual details I have to deliberately "store" them non-visually. I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror!

Honestly, I'm still like that. I know someone wore clothes when I saw them, but I've no idea what they were wearing. Jacket? Hat? Red? Totally clueless. As for makeup and fancy clothes, I honestly prefer none of that. The makeup that women wear often looks nice, but I'd rather it wasn't there. To me it's just something that separates me from them. That sounds silly but it's the way I am. Beautiful women are beautiful, but when I'm with someone that really doesn't matter to me. That's not what I'm paying attention to.

I think this is quite difficult for neurotypical people to grasp. The loud visual stuff like bright colors is distracting. That can be good or bad, depending on whether the person likes being scattered or focused. Eliminating distractions in social situations often becomes a necessity however. There's just so much going on it's easy to get overwhelmed, missing things, and start making awkward social mistakes. Typically, autistic types either avoid such situations, hide in the corner, or start drinking.

[*Joseph*]

I’m no good with faces either. I walked past my neighbour the other day. It wasn’t until she called my dog by the wrong name that I realised who she was.

I would say that fabric patterns or certain colours might be too distracting for him. If he is indeed autistic, even slightly, he might be bombarded with a lot of sensory input and patterns on fabric could be something he could control by asking for it to not be near him. Add that to it being a skirt that would billow around in the wind and dots constantly moving everywhere, it might be sensory overload. If you’ve got something that’s grabbing your full attention (it’s perfume for me) it’s very difficult to focus on anything else.

Your luv isn’t being picky with you either so please don’t take it personally if he says he doesn’t like something. He’s helping you to help him when he states his preferences. By pointing out what bothers him, it can be removed (for want of a better word) so that he can then enjoy being with you more and not be distracted. I hope you understand what I’m saying. I think it’s wonderful that you’re listening to him, autism or not.

Best wishes.

Hi Justin Passing and *Joseph*! Your answers, perspective is truly helping me understand, thank you.

So I am learning :) And nowadays I am not taking it personal. Before I would think he was putting me down or trying to decide something that was on me to decide (You know rooming away on the Miss Independent road attitude), he would make fun of my clothes, cracking jokes so then after he had done that I sort of did not look at my clothes the same way. Now I know better and feel better as I don't take it personal. I get it now (God, am I slow or what?)

Also about the times he has in my book messed up with the social codes, where I would get hurt, angry about it and only feel MY feelings, MY perspective on this - and not take his in, besides he did not give me enough of an explanation I thought - that old hurt and suspicion and anger - is gone as well, gone with the wind. So I am looking at him with new eyes and in a way on the two of us as well.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really do enjoy reading your words, make me get it, you know (better late than never, I guess).

He is doing very well nowadays I have just recently discovered about his before missing social codes and being in larger set of groups when still with me. Before I used to think this is just him faking it, he is just being this way because now I told him what I have missed, but nowadays it don't feel fake, we're both getting to be more relaxed about it.

I used to think he should get it on his own, I would think stuff like he has an adult brain doesn't he and that I want to watch him in action (without me telling him).

I would do my move - and then see that he was not doing his , and because he was not doing his (by my book) I was then not doing mine and I could even end up feeling humiliated about it and not understanding him and he would be as if he was genuinely taken by surprise by my reaction, as if he had not even been there - when he certainly had but not made his move. So I am learning to just say it, even if it feels fake at first as if I have instructed him and he is doing it for that reason, not because he wants to on his own, I used to think, so then he could not even make that right (because my attitude was then still holding us back), we have now started to do better landings, I've noticed, a different us emerging, its pretty cool :)