Confusing freindship! any insight would be appreciated.

[vespa68]

I have been close freinds with someone for the past 4 years but have every once in a while noticed thoughtless behavior. This has always been confusing to me because most of the times she has been very helpful and supportive to me especially when I needed a hand with my kids. She is also very open to spirituality and has done 3 levels of reiki although she never practices. I tried a couple of times to talk to her about her behavior but I see it still is repeated. What I mean is that she sometimes does not return my calls, cancels on me at the last minute, secretly sometimes has coffee with another friend of mine without including me, and says remarks that can be "off putting". I always would see this every once in a while but had a hard time believing it and would let it go many times. Perhaps I am naive but have never come across a person like that who has 2 distinct sides.

Lately I am seeing the light and seeing that her intentions are not so pure and that she plays games. This is someone I see at school everyday so cannot avoid otherwise I probably would. We have many friends in common as well. Everyone thinks she is such a sweet soul and people are not aware of her other side except perhaps me. I am not a phony person and have a hard time not being genuine. If I dont genuinely like someone's behavior I will either tell them or avoid them. I am now put in an akward position.

[John32241]

Hello,

My understanding is that many subconscious conflicts will begin to surface in our relationships at this time. I suspect that in this case there are things about you that this friend does not like. As a social person with mutual friends she has always done her best to be accommodating. However there are personality clashes that have never need spoken about. Not just with you but also with others I suspect.

It is always best to be kind. You can do that and avoid any emotional investments which you now know are not able to be appreciated.

I hope that my thoughts on this will be helpful.

John

[vespa68]

Thanks John for your reply. I think these subconscious conflicts have always kind of been there but I let them go. I think this friend has issues with control, jealousy and wanting to make me feel insecure and this is sometimes done intentionally. I think other friends don't see this because they are not as close. Yes, you are right, emotional detachment is probably best. Just hope I can manage it.

Sounds as if you aren't meshing enough...takes time to find this out. Everything starts of with a couple bending backwards, so to speak because they like each other but as the need for compromise arises, things can start to get out of register.

But I'm a little puzzled about "letting go of subconscious conflicts" -
Is that possible? Subconscious data can't be erased and one has to be so careful of delusion when delving into it. Perhaps it's that you aren't ready or willing to compromise. Perhaps she needs more space. She may be finding herself spiritually. As John32241 suggests, good to be kind....while slowly withdrawing yourself, standing a little more aloof.

♀

[vespa68]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Sounds as if you aren't meshing enough...takes time to find this out. Everything starts of with a couple bending backwards, so to speak because they like each other but as the need for compromise arises, things can start to get out of register.

But I'm a little puzzled about "letting go of subconscious conflicts" -
Is that possible? Subconscious data can't be erased and one has to be so careful of delusion when delving into it. Perhaps it's that you aren't ready or willing to compromise. Perhaps she needs more space. She may be finding herself spiritually. As John32241 suggests, good to be kind....while slowly withdrawing yourself, standing a little more aloof.

♀

Hi Lorelyen. Thanks for your advice. Not sure what you mean by compromise? I don't feel I did anything wrong. My intentions have always been pure and I have always acted with thoughtfulness and kindness. Her intentions on the other hand have not been pure and she seems to have some meaness that comes out when she is threatened. I did try to talk to her a couple of times but she she tried telling me I am oversensitive which I think was manipulative. Her behavior has not improved and instead has become worse. But then perhaps I am seeing more of her bad side. I don't know how a compromise is possible. She seems very much in her big ego. What I meant by letting go of subcoscious conflicts is that I saw the signs but tried to ignore them. Aloofness is best yes but I still do feel hurt and I see that she is distant as well instead of even caring about the issues.

[Tanemon]

One has to pretty much accept people as they are... that is, I find, accept or allow the loosening of the relationship.

This can be difficult, truly, when a person has both a need or longing for friends and a small number of friends. IOW, friend scarcity can cause you to overlook for a long time things you find irritating or disappointing in another person.

I know I've let go of some friendships when they have proved to be too one-sided and my tolerant nature has allowed people to walk on me too much. I suppose in these instances I sort of 'reclassify' people into the "acquaintances" category - but I've become better at doing so gracefully, and not getting abrasive toward the person I formerly regarded as a friend. Also, I try not to permanently shut people out, since I know other people can go through their own progressive changes of growth, healing, and increasing integrity.

This isn't an easy aspect of life at all, vespa 68.

But I might add that growth, healing, increasing integrity, and exuding higher, more positive vibrations often attracts new people to one. In other words, through the process you are involved with, spiritually, you may find the friend shortage solves itself.

All the best to you...

[vespa68]

[quote=Tanemon]One has to pretty much accept people as they are... that is, I find, accept or allow the loosening of the relationship.

This can be difficult, truly, when a person has both a need or longing for friends and a small number of friends. IOW, friend scarcity can cause you to overlook for a long time things you find irritating or disappointing in another person.

I know I've let go of some friendships when they have proved to be too one-sided and my tolerant nature has allowed people to walk on me too much. I suppose in these instances I sort of 'reclassify' people into the "acquaintances" category - but I've become better at doing so gracefully, and not getting abrasive toward the person I formerly regarded as a friend. Also, I try not to permanently shut people out, since I know other people can go through their own progressive changes of growth, healing, and increasing integrity.

This isn't an easy aspect of life at all, vespa 68.

But I might add that growth, healing, increasing integrity, and exuding higher, more positive vibrations often attracts new people to one. In other words, through the process you are involved with, spiritually, you may find the friend shortage solves itself.

Thank you Tanemon. I wouldn't keep a hurtful friend in my life because of lack of freindships though. I think I overlooked this friends faults because I liked other aspects about her and was confused about her other nature. Its true that when I first moved here it was not easy to meet people but fortunately now I have developed many good frienships around me and I don't have to second guess their motivation. And yes over the past 4 years I have had enormous soul growth because of other circumstances in my life.

[Abbara]

Allow God and the Universe to grant a clear understanding of all that you accomplished for your soul's growth with this friend. It may well be time to bless the friendship and release it. It sounds as if you are well on the way to doing just that. Be grateful for all you have achieved here and then lovingly let go. It is highly likely that you either need time alone for introspection, or that you are ready for a new friend or set of acquaintances who are more aligned spiritually, to assist you on your path. It hurts like heck to lose such closeness. I think you know it's gone and nothing you can do, that's healthy, will bring it back to where it was. Do this inside, with love, for her and for yourself. Life! Such an adventure! Enjoy!

[eyezzcreamm]

You have placed yourself in an awkward position.

From your short description of your four year relationship it seems that your communication style and expectations withing the relationship are different and are getting in the way of you enjoying your friendship.

Like any relationship it takes work, understanding, forgiveness, love, and boundaries.

Not sure if I fully understand how your friend is displaying two sides or even plays games. I have had stuff happen in my life where i have had to cancel plans at the last minute, I have also invited a friend without inviting other friends we have in common.

As for insight; friendship is fluid and ever changing because we are continually changing. Be appreciative of the help she has provided to your children. Understand and accept people have different wants, needs, and priorities. And spend the energy on the relationships that are mutually beneficial.