Today, the dominant negative vibration is ‘trapped’. I feel trapped in my
perspective, in my head, my mind. I feel trapped in my job routine. I feel
trapped and unable to break free, no matter how much I desire to. I go
through my day, incapable of casual conversation. I desperately want to
connect, but I always find myself with a blank slate. I just don’t have
anything to convey to them. Everything is as it is. I am observing, and have
a lot of internal stuff going on, but nothing I would talk about around the
guard stand, or with my family. I keep trying to tell myself, “just have fun,
be yourself, express yourself.” Lately I just feel confused, and in a state of
disconnect. I am confused about my belief systems, my position, my
relationships, the universe…I used to have it all figured out I thought…until I
figured out that what I knew was a fraction of a fraction and I know
absolutely nothing. I don’t know where to start, moment to moment. I am
here, but where am I. I can only convey through my eyes how imprisoned I
am inside myself. I have let my ego run wild. Self judgement, fear of what
others think, my mind tells me lie after lie, and I’m believing it, like an idiot.
My mind tells me that “That person over there responded to you like ‘this’, so
he must not want you around, he doesn’t approve of you.” Instead of walking
freely, in my own world, I have trapped myself, by habit, of thinking of how
others perceive me. It’s crazy knowing deep down I am everyone and the
world, I am down here to expand through the connection with others, and
yet I’m still self conscious. My conscious self doesn’t care what others think,
but my subconscious is obsessed with it. I can’t get away from putting
myself under the microscope. I am building walls around myself with my
thoughts and assumptions, and it’s getting big.
Its almost as if I know I am intricately connected, and the reason I am here
is to show up for others…and yet I am caged in a hollow vessel, that has
forgotten how to connect on a superficial level. I want to communicate, but I
simply cannot come up with words. I have been singing the same song to a
ghost crowd for so long, that drawing back into simple, loopless conversation
has become a mystery.
Its frusturating because I know what I need to do, and I try, every single
moment. I need to let go of a concept of myself, love everything that arises,
feel grateful and a sense of lovingkindness, be mindful, not let my ego feed
me negativity, be in flow, find silence, peace, and unity, regain self
assurance and confidence, have fun in every moment, and feel my emotions
and not think about them.
It’s crazy too, going from these huge cycles, awakening into the expansive
freedom, connectedness, and pure being…into forgetting everything I
thought I had and knew, ripped up my map…them awakening, forgetting.
Once I see myself never forgetting again, I turn around and am lost.
All deep realizations and metaphysical concepts aside, I have went from
being an outgoing, fun enthusiast for life, to being thrust into a ‘pre view
awakening’ that sparked my interest in spirituality, thought that attaining
spiritual knowledge will get me there, 4 years later realizing Its all about the
simplest of things…integrating my charged emotions and waking up the
world, losing everything I thought I knew about myself and the world, having
profound experiences, building my true perspective, and now here (to
crudely sum it up) in a state of confusion, bewilderment, lonliness, useless
knowledge, a passion for the moment, and a big idea factory that I have to
operate on my own, and can’t invite help because …
So for now, I’m taking my current state as a learning opportunity. I will
ground myself in creativity, meditation, flow, and love. This must be a time
for feeling, not thinking. I went from discovering the deeper conversation
happening, to understanding that ****. small talk is about energy transfer, to
discovering how to catch up, to seeing the zombified world for what it is,
searching past blurry people for the ones who see beyond the eye, to this…
not even being able to carry small talk. I know I need to tear down my
negative assumptions and beliefs. To rid myself of anxiety of acceptance,
judgment, and fear.
I also think that so much of my life now has been dedicated to emotional
development, spiritual evolution, and simplifying myself that the trivial distractions most ‘normal’ people care about, I simply don’t know how to operate on this level. I have several spiritual friends whom I can talk through subjects for hours, and I feel fully alive and myself, but when I’m with others I feel I have to mask a large part of myself and what I’m interested in. Because the conversation is the actual conversation, were not talking through it and using subjects as platforms for our poetry.
I’m just all twisted up right now, theres so much I know that I don’t know that I used to know, now trying to know that the universe is telling me no.
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