The Centipede's Dilemma

[Shivani Devi]

"A centipede was happy – quite!
Until a toad in fun
Said, "Pray, which leg comes after which?"
Which threw her mind in such a pitch,
She laid bewildered in the ditch
Considering how to run."

A spider met a centipede while hurrying down the street,
"How do you move at such a speed, with all so many feet?"
"I do not have to contemplate to keep them all in line,
But if I start to concentrate they're tangled all the time!"

- George Humphrey

About five years ago, I was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder which a few notable neurologists attributed to childhood trauma...it is also called Functional Neurological Disorder and the symptoms have been steadily and progressively getting worse...to the point where I can barely walk anymore...simply because my subconscious mind has forgotten how and if I make the conscious effort to do so, my movements are so jerky and uncoordinated until eventually, spasms (dystonia) and seizures result.

It is also extremely tiring to put so much conscious effort into doing such a simple task..well, it seemed simple when one didn't have to think about doing it... now, the awareness of every muscle, nerve and fiber needing to work and move in unison, leads to endless bouts of Chronic Fatigue.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Centipede%27s_Dilemma

It is also called "hyper reflection" according to Viktor Frankl...and I am just starting to research it...and how being a neurotic introvert with Health Anxiety can cause a total paralysis of the limbs as well as hysterical blindness, being unable to swallow or speak...the list of symptoms is pretty much endless.

This was also exacerbated a few years back by a full blown Kundalini awakening...which only added insult to injury until my whole nervous system has pretty much shut down...sleep apnea being the biggest danger here.

I have tried CBT, DBT, Adaptogenic compounds and all of those things seem to provide some relief in the short term, but then my body gets "used to it" and the symptoms return with a vengeance once it does.

I am aware that dancing, programmed movement or subconscious movement can assist here to rewire the brain which has lost a great deal of its "neuroplastic" ability through neurons which have simply died through disuse so they just cannot "fire" anymore.

If anything was to describe my disorder, it would be "centipede syndrome" in which my mind has been internally habituated for SO long, it has started attacking my body through the nervous system.

So, just putting this out there...

[linen53]

Hi Shivani

The minute I read childhood trauma I started paying attention. Childhood trauma can go in one of a million directions in finding an outlet for all those feelings that are cooped up inside. I believe every word you have said. I believe your inability to walk is true to your soul.

I suffered brain injury in 2013 from contracting West Nile Meningitis. So I can speak to this issue. Yes, the brain can rewire itself.

When I initially suffered from brain injury I had to make lists of everything I had to do in a day's work. And if there was something I needed to keep with me at all times I had to tie it to my body, otherwise I would put it down and forget were I placed it. I went to therapy to educate me on how the brain can rewire itself in time. I also suffered from bouts of rage because I couldn't remember anything so I went to another therapist to teach me about how to handle my rage. It was a very trying experience at the time.

But sure enough, my brain did rewire itself as I struggled with everyday tasks. It took a year before I felt any relief. And now that my brain has rewired, I am a different person. My personality is different. I can't explain that very well but I will try.

First off, when I first experienced brain damage, I could see on the other side of the veil, as in the invisible side. Guides, angels, whatever you want to call them. I wrote some of them down and can cut and paste them if you like. That lasted only a few months before that was shut off to me. Secondly, I am more of an experimenter then I was before. I try new things. I like to try new things. Maybe just once to experience it and then move on to something different.

Maybe because I saw on the other side of the veil my spiritual focus is more prominent; seems I am hungrier than I have ever been for things spiritual and I want to know truths in this world; the really gritty, dark side of humanity. Those kind of truths. Hmmm.

In the long run, I'd have to say my experience with West Nile Meningitis has brought me to a better place. More focused. More mature too.

Hmmm,you know for years,i walked like self conscious of one side,like self conscious of my left side,hence felt uncoordinated.

Like i was conscious on one side,but unconscious on the other.

Like i had to think and be conscious of putting one foot in line with the right.

Rather odd and the first time i've mentioned this.

Am fully integrated now.

Personally,i think it has a lot to do with not fitting in with society and having a safe place,somewhere that feels like home and somewhere where you can be yourself etc.

Thanks for posting,never heard of it.