Trying to process a psychotic break.

[Fizwold]

Deleted.

If I feel that I need to I will post what I had back. Just having a hard time processing is all.

[Miss Hepburn]

Why don't you try again to put it in words.

[vibrations]

We are here if you need us, you are not alone x

[Fizwold]

I had an pretty bad psychotic break due to a 16 year old breaking into my car and smoking a large amount of weed. I am very, very sensitive to pretty much every drug (In this case I am referring to medications) and my experience with weed has been hellish to say the least but not with out something to learn but in the end I avoid it because it is a risk.

The kid and his family have a history, and to us they have stolen and damaged personal property up to 42k USD worth in costs. Keep in mind I mean single actions taken by the entire extended family of 20 or so were seen doing such things by locals and not just to us. Cops do get called , warrants are issued often to the tune last I counted one a week or two. I kept them from gassing themselves to death in my mothers old house she was renting to them after I learned of what they were doing and what they had done and I feel like that was a bad choice as myself and others suffered for it.

Telling you the short of the back ground is important as it will reflect on my thoughts and actions during the psychotic break.

When the back finally peaked and I was paranoid and hostile but not randomly hostile only to those that I felt like where effecting me unjustly. I saw the bag of plastic mulch and assumed damage to the car would the loss of which we would not have been able to recover from and I snapped and was going going to bury them as I know the where abouts of a few of them then I realized that action is not me, I keep to my morals. I was not going to take action against even someone that has harmed me for an event they did not do.

I had to get contact with a few people online and had to ask them to verify things for me. I have never had to ask for help during one to make sense of things as I never been helped during one but I have had people and family take advantage of the state and made things far worse, this was new to me, actually having it bad enough to genuinly ask. I have posted before that I had a NDE and I still think given what I know that I am indeed on the ground in that PE field dying and this could be my mind going insane as it happens, I could be in purgatory being judged and tested. I do not know and for the most part I have been if that is what it is then so be it I suppose and I go about my days. I chose instead to harm someone else to rip apart my own reality in a maddened state and had to be helped back to a state of retaliative sanity.

I did not come out of the break with out learning something and I did not come out unchanged. I feel far less here then I have ever been and more over there. In some ways it reminds me of my NDE I suppose. All I can say is something has changed like a seal of some sort was broken.

What brought me out of it most of the way was someone reminded me about the way I wanted to be by touching on one of the threads connected to that and the other was giving me schematics for me to go over on my car and giving a little side details about so that I can work through the mechanics of it.

I need to be rid of this call for justice because in the end it is vengeance and vengeance is a poison for the mind , body and soul.

There is more but I am not going to go into it out side of saying I am left with a feeling about the kid, I think he caused himself trouble unrelated to me.


Edit: During the event my BPM was 130 at resting and given what I know topped around 180-200 while in doing work. It was not just the high heart rate but the mental work needed to break free that took and this last week feels like it went by in a second.

[Fizwold]

During the peak it was as if I fully accepted the death scenario. To me I think that makes the most sense because of the odd nature of my life. Granted I am happy for the odd nature of my life because it adds a large amount of things I never would have had the chance to see, even the things I call horrible sights. Salt and pepper.

I think what ended up happening is a large amount of things I neither made a half hearted attempt to suppress or just brushed off like it was no big thing came out to let me know that it was a more major issue then I had wanted to give them credit for and that with my practices it was getting closer to the surface and just gave all at once everything I had rattling around that I needed to address sooner over the other things.

There is more but I need to choose how I go about posting them then the post above. I do not think it does what I needs it to do.

[Gem]

Yea, flipping out can be exhausting and it takes a little while to recover. Just take some space and give it all time to settle.

[vibrations]

Your NDE says it all, could be a test, stay true to yourself and speak with the heart not the ego mind, take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

[Native spirit]

It is so easy to get caught up in the Emotion. but by acting on it you only hurt yourself.
I know only to well how agitated you can get when my husband passed away my youngest was told something by a person in the School who is supposed to be there for the students,
My daughter came home crying. I went back to the school with her. but i had a Body bag in my hand,
I went looking for this person she saw me locked her door and hid.

I went to the head teacher i threatened him and i reported the woman to the education authority then i pulled my daughter out of the school
I had another daughter in the school.
If i had to go there all the teachers would hide.
It gave me great satisfaction to see the table turned onto them


Namaste

[Fizwold]

I do not really know how to respond to that , Native Spirit , other then to be thankful for the unexpected reply.

I have acted on such things before, like being bullied in school and then getting tired and beating up said bully and telling them if they do not stop and be nicer to me I will continue the beatings in return. I continued giving back what I took until I grew up because doing such things was not worth my time or would have dire issues. Now I find that there is a section of my mind literally screaming at me to defend myself to take action against my attackers and I refuse because for one I would have to act on a good number of people which is cause for thought for me today on morals , people and reality and I guess is how I ended up deciding on a few things.

Everyone has their demons, both mental and actual, people talk of using energy healing but to me I need to confront and untangle the issues to fully deal with them as they are and that is something I am having trouble but I suppose if it was easy then a lot of people who not feel the need to act out on others and the world would be a cheerier place. That day/night was beyond what I have ever dealt with before and I needed two people to help me through it because I felt without actual help I would lose control in full as I had already fully lost my sense of reality. The only thing that brought me back was one of them hitting on one of the core things to me, the way I want to be regardless of where I find myself, though the other showed me what I thought was wrong by having me look through the assembly of my car and find that knowledge for myself did help as well the main thing was what I wanted to be that poured water on the fire enough that I felt the coolness from it in actual.

I have done things in self defense and retaliation to bullying that over all ended "well" for me in social settings but one or two of the things still bother me to this day where I went over board according to myself and I intend for that not to happen again. It is why I yelled at someone to step off because they were trying to get me to strike them, I yelled for them to step off because if I struck them , you can guess.

I have things I need to confront and I wish to do so on my own but I think I do need a little push from time to time.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by Fizwold

I have done things in self defense and retaliation to bullying that over all ended "well" for me in social settings but one or two of the things still bother me to this day where I went over board according to myself and I intend for that not to happen again.

I have things I need to confront and I wish to do so on my own but I think I do need a little push from time to time.

Well, seems to me you are doing some very healthy self reflection!
There is nothing like feeling bad you did something and feeling sincerely sorry
and then saying," I'll never do that again", what wonderful growth!
Congratulations. If life is like a ladder you just stepped up a rung.