Taking your power back from the darkness

[Horse]

I seem inadvertly handed my spiritual power over to the darkness. It started when I was a little kid, it happened through deception and trickery, they offered "security", with strings attached. Strings attached to the most ugly and horrible things imagineable. I was too young and innocent to know any better. I trusted super mario and used to visualise myself as him being a benign protector, and the negative presence (I had no doubt it was negative, the vibes I got from it were terror), and they would use tricks like telling me they were super marios friend and that everything was okay, and their "conditions" for protection were harmless.

After that childhood period it became unconscious, I couldn't perceive it while it was happening. I would feel a sense of terror, and not knowing any better I wanted to shut it out so I could be in peace so I accepted repression of awareness of the terror in exchange for awareness. Like a chess game, this continued in small steps throughout my whole life. It all seemed innocent up until relatively recently, now its anything but innocent. Its evil and diabolical. Now I reject it with all my might but it feels like I've been weaved into a cocoon by a spider, when they make a move to control me, they shut down my emotions and as you know, making a mistep in the darkness is oh so easy. But living with the consequences of that misstep are not so easy.

I feel so sad, defeated and shameful. Its tragic and not one part of it was forced on me, it was all manipulation of free will so I'm responsible for every step of it. So that makes me evil. As someone who valued only good my whole life, my self esteem is not just low, its a violent self hatred. Sometimes when the pain comes on, I catch these automatic thought of things like "I'm going to die by knife" or "I'm going to burn". Thats my subconscious speaking, there are things in there that violate my morals to such an extent that the anger is directed at myself.

Is there a way back from this? Can I take my power back? By power I mean heart power, the power to do good, to be a lighthouse, a beacon for positivity in a dark world. I have immense wisdom, I've seen through the illusion of separation, I have seen and experienced a whole lot outside the box, before things got back, my words alone had the power to cause positive impacts on those around me. Lately I've been a source of negativity. I can't live like this but I can't die because theres too much I need to do. Theres a mission I need to carry out. I have to create happiness, joy and love in the world before I die. Failing that its certain hell, not because some external being would condemn me, but because I would impose it on myself due to self hatred.

I have become compassionate on deeper levels than ever before, but without feeling the compassion in my heart, it doesn't have the same power. I'm at the lowest point in my life, but to say theres only one way to go from here and thats up, thats not true, I can also go down and the depths of how far I can descend I don't know. I could descend so far I became an evil being. I'm a bit too aware for that, but repression makes evil possible and I don't know how far repression can go. If I make a mistake and harm someone unintentionally, the pain, guilt and shame builds and I seem to automatically repress it. Its both an unconscious and conscious choice. It always starts with a conscious choice, but by the time I realise it was a bad choice, the change has happened.

On the bright side my ego has been broken and damaged beyond repair. Humpty dumpty fell off the wall and all the kings horses and all the kings men can't put this humpty dumpty back together again. But I can. And the new humpty dumpty won't be no hollow egg. It will be something pure and dedicated entirely to the path of loving kindness.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

be that beacon, and don't worry about taking missteps into darkness...
you bring the light along with you.

some of your words seem to project a decision point into your future,
where you might decide to choose to follow a path into evil-doing.
i submit that there is no such future decision point -- you choose NOW
which course you will travel, and this is always the case. know that you
always and forever desire peace, love, and all the good things, and be
contented to always choose in favor of those things.
dedicate all of your time to following that pathway; it is easy; choosing
otherwise would be a difficult task indeed.