authenticity at the cost of other's feelings?

I have been pondering something someone said and wondered how others felt.

Part of my path seems to be about learning to be me in every way possible. To accept my authentic self and learn that it is ok. That I am "allowed" to be me.

Of course there are times and places where certain aspects of my self should be faded down or brought to the fore. For instance, at the big meeting I was at yesterday it was prudent to put the biker metal head in the background and bring forward the proffesional perfectionist.

However, there are times when the lines are less clear cut and it is less of a case of "turning down" aspects and more a case of completely ignoring them, or even lying about them for the sake of someone else.

Recently a colleague had a week away from work. I really enjoyed having the office to myself, but when she was back, glad for the company.

When she came back she asked me if I missed her.

There are only 2 people in my life I miss if I don't see them for a while; my husband and my soul sister. I don't cling onto other people, I don't generally miss them if I don't see them. (I think this is because these are the only 2 people I consider haven't "left me" at any time but that is another story).

So, when she asked me this I said "I don't tend to miss people"... the look on her face was that of real hurt. Now, I know how she responds to that is her business. She shouldn't have asked the question if she was looking for a specific answer. But it does highlight a situation that goes against my belief of being true to myself.

I don't like hurting people's feelings, but I also find it VERY hard to lie about how I feel. I won't neccessarily mention something if it is not appropriate or hurtful, but if I am asked a direct question I can only give an honest answer.

Do you find sometimes you have to lie about who you are so you don't hurt people's feelings? Is this acceptable?

[Native spirit]

There was noone more outspoken than my late mother and my sisters, its not always what you say that hurts, its the way you say it,
there is nothing wrong with with being true to yourself, but you also have to realise that not everyone, is in the same place,


Namaste

[sound]

Originally Posted by tilia

Do you find sometimes you have to lie about who you are so you don't hurt people's feelings? Is this acceptable?

Hi tilia,
I dont like the feeling either when i find myself deviating from the truth of my own thoughts and understandings. What I have discovered over the years is that I have needed to either get creative in the way i put forward my own 'insights or, alternatively, leave them out altogether after deciding that is the most effective option to take at the time ... like how important and beneficial is it for that person if i tell them this that or the other? I have also realized that if i want to foster a friendship with someone who may be on the other end of the seesaw then i need to find that balance between being 'candid' and copping the fallout, to discovering how they are best able to 'appreciate' my way of expressing that which truthfully reflects my perspective. It can seem like a juggling act while ever we attach an element of 'worry' to it, not to mention it takes away from the spontaneity of the exchange. I have also realized that for me, it is integral to any meaningful communication, especially where friendships/relationships are concerned, to not take ownership of someone else's reaction, and to try to remember to put the proverbial shoe on the other foot first, before opening my mouth and putting my own foot in it lol I hope that doesn't sound too convoluted, however if it does then, I guess, for you, it does lol

So, when she asked me this I said "I don't tend to miss people"... the look on her face was that of real hurt. Now, I know how she responds to that is her business. She shouldn't have asked the question if she was looking for a specific answer. But it does highlight a situation that goes against my belief of being true to myself.

I don't like hurting people's feelings, but I also find it VERY hard to lie about how I feel. I won't neccessarily mention something if it is not appropriate or hurtful, but if I am asked a direct question I can only give an honest answer.

This is a really great concern, imo. I think if you have caring in your heart for the feelings of that person, that's who you really are...to watch out for their feelings is therefore being genuine to yourself.

So, is there anything at all that you missed about them? Seeing a smile in the morning across from you? Having the paper machine filled when it runs out? Having someone field calls for you when you go to the bathroom? I don't know what you do, but invariably there must be some way in which having that person as your colleague is beneficial to you. You could say "I missed the way you always...insert whatever genuine thing they do that you like". The bottom line is you have to work with them anyway, you might as well look for the ways you help each other and connect, imo.

Gentledove.... the working relationship is strained at the best of times. I feel she doesn't really like me. She doesn't help me in my job at all, in fact at times she makes it harder :(

If I am honest I was glad to have a break from her... so no, I really didn't miss her. I also am one of those people that works best on her own, I am happy to fill my own paper up, answer my own calls etc.

But I am trying to work with her in a way that is as stress free as possible. This example is just one of the times when I feel I have "messed up" again.

But the fact that the situation has lingered in my mind shows there is something I need to work on.. even if it is just to forget about it.

I really don't want to hurt her feelings, I really don't but I seem to on a regular basis.

With what Sound says, if she was a friend it would come naturally to word my answers in a way that won't offend, if only because in being a friend I am less likely to offend them as they like me for who I am... hopefully.

But in this situation it really was a case of either saying "I don't tend to miss anyone" trying to say that it is nothing to do with her that I was happy enough on my own, or lie and simper "of course I did" which would have sounded false because I am totally rubbish at lying!!!

Your authenticity doesn't have to be compromised, and I believe that the interaction is a part of your authenticity. It's bringing your authenticity into the 'bigger picture'. None of us are an island and it would be next to impossible to be so, and from that we have to look at our authenticity in respect to the interaction. You can see it as a compromise (or not) or you can see it in a different perspective.

Not everyone is Spiritual and not everyone is striving to let go of their ego. That means that us Spiritual people have to contend with the interactions of the big wide world and how our Spirituality fits into it. Do we be true to ourselves and risk the onslaught, do we lie through our back teeth just to make it look as though we're 'normal'? Or do we find a way to be true to ourselves yet still fit in? Better still, do we get even more Spiritual?

If someone asked me "Did you miss me?", I would take that as almost demanding the answer they wanted to hear. Does that mean there has to be a compromise or is there another way? There is a way to answer that without the onslaught and still keep your authenticity.

"I missed you in my own way." Which isn't a lie, because your way isn't to miss people.

Interesting topic.

Or we can also ask the other way around: Does saying "yeah I missed you... " makes you an ugly fake person or a liar?

Or you can always give the cryptic non-committal: "This place wasn't the same without you!" And let them read what they want into it.

Obviously she took your comment that her presence in the space wasn't wanted/desired/noticed/impactful.

While being true to oneself is essential, I think we also have a responsibility to understand how others react to our presence. I think there's a win win in most situations. Now if they keep asking you for positive comments out of codependency or low self-esteem... Stand in your integrity. You can't be responsible for people's insecurities and pandering to them would eventually compromise you energetically.

[Emmalevine]

I like this topic too.

Personally I've always tried to protect the feelings of others, mostly to the detriment of my authenticity. It's an issue I'm working on, but even with intent to stay true to myself I don't think I could hurt someone's feelings over something like this. For bigger issues I'd like to think I would stay true to my feelings, but if someone asked me if I missed them, it shows a clear need on their part (otherwise why would they care?) and I'd like to answer with compassion such as how Greenslade put it. I wouldn't be against an outright lie in those situations either. I felt very rejected as a child and I guess I'd be too sensitive to my own reactions and thus I'd be careful how I'd answer someone else. But that's just me.

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Topology

Or you can always give the cryptic non-committal: "This place wasn't the same without you!" And let them read what they want into it.

I like this answer ~