Confused, sad, desperate, grateful, feelings, no feelings. Emotional roller coaster

[HalfGirl]

I did not even know what title to give to my post, but I think the title says exactly what I am going through for the moment.

After not having spoken to TF for a couple of months, he called me early April and we were chatting for more than an hour. I love speaking to him, but generally after a phone call, I am confused, all mixed up and it generally takes a while before I am back to normal. We know each other for more than eleven years now, but I only came across the TF concept 3 years ago, it hit me out of the blue. I love him, I adore him, I feel comfortable around him (although we hardly meet in person), he is the only man I could imagine to be my husband. But he is also very married and he has children.

Since I simply can’t figure out where this TF thing is taking me and since it takes so much of my energy, I had decided for myself, that I will not contact him anymore and just wait that he contacts me and take it from there. We both have birthday in June, so I said to myself if he calls me for my birthday, I’ll give him a call back on his and I will also send him a Christmas card and that’s it. I don’t think I could ever break the connection and cut all ties, but I just wanted to distance myself a bit and try to get some peace.

He then sent me an e-mail in May, inviting me for his birthday party later this summer. He has a round birthday this year and he is throwing a big party. I did not know what to do. The last time I saw him was at his place and I also met his wife and his children. I feel so bad when I see his wife. I am always afraid that she can read from my face that I have feelings for her husband. I can’t stand myself in such a situation. I decided for myself that I can’t go to his party, because his family will also be there. I did not reply to his e-mail, because I did not want to lie. It would have been so easy to tell him I was going to be on vacation, since the party is in summer, but I decided that I can lie to him, but not to myself.

We also work together professionally occasionally (that’s how we met in the first place) and he has been advising me on a few transactions last year. I kept him up to date on a certain transaction, and he told me he is happy to look over some paperwork if I want that. We were exchanging some e-mails and then he asked me whether I’ll be there for his party. I still did not answer him and was thinking the whole weekend about it. Then finally I called him on a Monday, still discussed some professional matters and then I had to tell him that I can’t come to his party. At first I did not want to tell the reason and said that I can’t tell him. But then finally I admitted my romantic feelings for him and that I totally fell in love with him 3 years ago.

I did not tell him about the TF concept, although I have no doubts that he is aware of some sort of connection between us. He reacted very calm, which I expected and for which I am very grateful. We did not talk too much in detail. He thanked me for being so open and honest with him and he asked whether it was fine for me to talk to him at all. I told him I like talking to him, but that I can’t be there when his family is there. I said that I know that he is married and that I respect that and that I have no intention of interfering with that, but that I am struggling with my emotions for 3 years now and that I had to tell him.

I also told him that I don’t expect a reaction or response from him but that I simply did not want to lie. We then discussed some professional matters and in the end he said we have to talk about the other thing another time. He did not seem to be shocked or overwhelmed when I expressed my feelings for him. We spoke a few days later professionally and he was calm and kind as always.

So here I am. I don’t know whether I did the right thing. I don’t know how things will continue. It’s 3 weeks ago now that I told him and we have not spoken about it since then. I am waiting for him to contact me. Not sure whether he told his wife. I feel vulnerable and sad. I don’t know what the future will bring me. I am confused and mixed up. This TF connection feels like a very cruel joke from the universe for the moment. I am grateful that he reacted in such a calm way, but I am deeply sad by the thought that I will be alone for the rest of my life and I am trying to figure out the deeper meaning of the TF connection.

Thank you all for reading. There is no one else that I can talk to for the moment.

[Alice]

stay positive and don't stop dreaming the best outcome for both of you

[YS.]

Hi halfgirl ,

I thinkmit's very brave that you told him, very courageous and honest thing to do. So that's something to be very proud of. I'm convinced that you did the right thing, both telling him and deciding to not contact him anymore. It gives the way to completely focus on yourself . You said that you don't know how things will continue..well no one does, but it's you who has to give the direction in your own life. To be honest I don't think he will contact you about this. I don't want to sound harsh, but it's not his problem, it's yours and I doubt if he's going to solve it for you. So, again, focus on yourself, mourn for what you feel you have lost , accept it and then slowly try to repair/find that in yourself.

[wolfgaze]

I feel it was the right course of action that you were honest and expressed yourself fully to him. You needed to get that off your chest and let it out - rather than continuing to bottle it inside and feeling so torn. You needed to do what you did for you - you didn't do it because you were trying to get something out of him. Your intentions were pure. No need to second guess yourself.

It's okay to feel vulnerable. It will pass. Try not to feed those thoughts of being 'alone' for the rest of your life. That is not your reality - it's just your mind creating suffering from its imaginings in the present moment. There are people in life who live alone but do not feel lonely, and there are people in life who are married and feel lonely. It is not an external condition but an internal condition. Whether you should find a husband or partner in your life is no real indication of how you will feel about yourself inside. When you truly find yourself, and come to learn to accept yourself, you will feel whole and complete - independent of any external conditions or circumstances being present. You're not there yet, and that's perfectly fine - it takes time, effort, and intention. It will come. For the meantime, you can recognize that your crossing paths with this individual has awakened something inside you. I know your mind may be influencing you to perceive that it's all about him - but this is about you first and foremost. The internal turmoil you are experiencing now and will be working your way through as you move forward - it's going to eventually pave the way for a calm, peaceful, and serrene state of being.

Hang in there. Everything is just as it needs to be at this moment.

[HalfGirl]

Thank you all for your replies.

Originally Posted by YS.

To be honest I don't think he will contact you about this. I don't want to sound harsh, but it's not his problem, it's yours and I doubt if he's going to solve it for you.

YS, you don’t sound harsh, because I know it is the truth. I know it is not his problem and that I have to deal with this myself. I told him that I don’t expect any reply from him. I don’t expect it and that is very clear for me, but yet at the same time, there is this tiny spark of hope that he will discuss it with me. I guess in the end I am also just a human being.

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

I feel it was the right course of action that you were honest and expressed yourself fully to him. You needed to get that off your chest and let it out - rather than continuing to bottle it inside and feeling so torn. You needed to do what you did for you - you didn't do it because you were trying to get something out of him. Your intentions were pure. No need to second guess yourself.

Wolfgaze, yes I did it for me and thinking about it, this is perhaps what I need to learn and do more, do things for me. I tend to not care about myself and only think about the feelings of others. A few years ago, I most probably would not have done this, because I would have been too worried of putting things on someone elses plate and bothering them with my feelings and emotions.

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

It's okay to feel vulnerable. It will pass. Try not to feed those thoughts of being 'alone' for the rest of your life. That is not your reality - it's just your mind creating suffering from its imaginings in the present moment. There are people in life who live alone but do not feel lonely, and there are people in life who are married and feel lonely. It is not an external condition but an internal condition. Whether you should find a husband or partner in your life is no real indication of how you will feel about yourself inside. When you truly find yourself, and come to learn to accept yourself, you will feel whole and complete - independent of any external conditions or circumstances being present.

Thanks, I know this feeling will go away. I generally like myself and I get along fine with myself. I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship to feel complete. But I am having an emotional low for the moment and I need a shoulder to lean on.

It helps me to write things down, it gets my mind clear again. I should start writing in my dairy again. Have not done that for a while.

[QT Pie]

Halfgirl, what a moving story. I love how you handled the situation. Of course you did and are*doing the right thing. The right thing does not require a specific outcome to be the right thing. To have different you must move different. No matter what, keep moving different.

All my heart hopes for your happiness.