Trouble Finding a Relationship

[JKMcKay]

I'm so depressed. I just can't seem to find a partner. I'm not sure what to even do. It's been so long (over 10 years) that I sense it is a systemic problem with myself. Can anyone offer some advice?

You have to somehow get yourself out of depression which will not attract a sound relationship. It might attract someone sympathetic ready to act the role of therapist but unless you want that, beware!

I'd suggest Affirmations - but don't expect results over night. Keep them very simple, repeat them often during the day/evening; focus first on emerging from your depression. It's important NOT to look back on anything negative when affirming - just the future...things getting better every day...
Avoid some of the long-winded treatises sometimes recommended on the Affirmations section here. If you can't utter an affirmation in one breath or one sentence it's too long. One topic per affirmation. If you find yourself using "and" or "or" to add a second topic rethink it! If you can make it rhyme somehow (turn it into a jingle) it's easier to use and recite.

You can do more than one affirmation but keep them separate, a break between them. You could have one about the days getting better and better and another about the quality of your sleep, etc. but don't concatenate them!

Others may have other suggestions.
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[NoOne]

It is difficult to give advice without knowing more about you. E.g. which country are you from, are you in good shape, how do you dress, what is your career and financial situation, etc...

I have a friend who is the exact same age as you, with a very good career, highly intelligent, good humour, in reasonable shape and has been single for at least 15 years. It's hard to say why, but this is increasingly common these days.

My recommendation is that if you can afford it, you should do some travelling, you are likely to meet new people and opportunities tend to open up when you're alone in a foreign country. If you are American and speak English only, spending some time in the Philippines, travelling around the various islands is probably your best bet. The locals are incredibly friendly, speak English and it is reasonably priced too.

Funny thing is, I have a cousin, tall, blonde and blue-eyed, works as a part-time model whilst studying economics at Uni, is a spitting image of Taylor Swift, yet she has struggled to find guys ever since she started dating as a teenager. I suspect, in both my Cousin's and friend's case, perhaps standards were set too high.

[JKMcKay]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

You have to somehow get yourself out of depression which will not attract a sound relationship. It might attract someone sympathetic ready to act the role of therapist but unless you want that, beware!

I'd suggest Affirmations - but don't expect results over night. Keep them very simple, repeat them often during the day/evening; focus first on emerging from your depression. It's important NOT to look back on anything negative when affirming - just the future...things getting better every day...
Avoid some of the long-winded treatises sometimes recommended on the Affirmations section here. If you can't utter an affirmation in one breath or one sentence it's too long. One topic per affirmation. If you find yourself using "and" or "or" to add a second topic rethink it! If you can make it rhyme somehow (turn it into a jingle) it's easier to use and recite.

You can do more than one affirmation but keep them separate, a break between them. You could have one about the days getting better and better and another about the quality of your sleep, etc. but don't concatenate them!

Others may have other suggestions.
.

Okay, thanks. Ive always enjoyed your posts as a lurker.

My last relationship...i was a more positive person going in and did work on such things.

[JKMcKay]

Originally Posted by NoOne

It is difficult to give advice without knowing more about you. E.g. which country are you from, are you in good shape, how do you dress, what is your career and financial situation, etc...

I have a friend who is the exact same age as you, with a very good career, highly intelligent, good humour, in reasonable shape and has been single for at least 15 years. It's hard to say why, but this is increasingly common these days.

My recommendation is that if you can afford it, you should do some travelling, you are likely to meet new people and opportunities tend to open up when you're alone in a foreign country. If you are American and speak English only, spending some time in the Philippines, travelling around the various islands is probably your best bet. The locals are incredibly friendly, speak English and it is reasonably priced too.

Funny thing is, I have a cousin, tall, blonde and blue-eyed, works as a part-time model whilst studying economics at Uni, is a spitting image of Taylor Swift, yet she has struggled to find guys ever since she started dating as a teenager. I suspect, in both my Cousin's and friend's case, perhaps standards were set too high.

Im in reasonable shape for my age but definitely not considered an athletic build. I also dont have a beer gut and drink or do drugs. Id say I could lose 15 pounds though for sure.

Im from the US.

In my career I am comfortable with my salary and achievements. I probably would be promoted higher if I truly wanted it but I like to have a life outside my work. Financial situation is where I need to be for my age and , I have no debt. In fact, i will go out of my way to not take on debt.

I dont think I dress particularly well. I dress clean but simple. Simple prints, often one pair of shoes everywhere, jeans. Work it is similar with maybe a collared shirt.

I am a humble person and not one to boast of my value or achievements or promote myself. I find it distasteful, but maybe principles need to be put aside for some things. I just dont believe this behavior has spiritual merit despite what psychologists and dating coaches may say.

I think it is just I am not very attractive. Ive done those dating sites for years and even the swiping apps. At the end of the day i could swipe right on everyone and maybe match with 0.1% tops. Even when I do have a rare match it usually seems like a mistake on their part as I will not get a message in return. I do not think it has been my willingness to compromise. I guess they can smell my desperation? Even just recently signing up for one of those sites, I was in tears after he first day...like same as before. No matter what I do...

[utopiandreamchild]

Originally Posted by JKMcKay

I'm so depressed. I just can't seem to find a partner. I'm not sure what to even do. It's been so long (over 10 years) that I sense it is a systemic problem with myself. Can anyone offer some advice?

Try to be positive. Use love to attract you a partner. Amen

[NoOne]

Originally Posted by JKMcKay

Im in reasonable shape for my age but definitely not considered an athletic build. I also dont have a beer gut and drink or do drugs. Id say I could lose 15 pounds though for sure.

Im from the US.

In my career I am comfortable with my salary and achievements. I probably would be promoted higher if I truly wanted it but I like to have a life outside my work. Financial situation is where I need to be for my age and , I have no debt. In fact, i will go out of my way to not take on debt.

I dont think I dress particularly well. I dress clean but simple. Simple prints, often one pair of shoes everywhere, jeans. Work it is similar with maybe a collared shirt.

I am a humble person and not one to boast of my value or achievements or promote myself. I find it distasteful, but maybe principles need to be put aside for some things. I just dont believe this behavior has spiritual merit despite what psychologists and dating coaches may say.

I think it is just I am not very attractive. Ive done those dating sites for years and even the swiping apps. At the end of the day i could swipe right on everyone and maybe match with 0.1% tops. Even when I do have a rare match it usually seems like a mistake on their part as I will not get a message in return. I do not think it has been my willingness to compromise. I guess they can smell my desperation? Even just recently signing up for one of those sites, I was in tears after he first day...like same as before. No matter what I do...

Ah yes, I assumed that you would be from the US.

They call it the dating market for a reason, it works exactly like every other market in the world, on the principles of supply and demand. You clearly won't find love where you are now, so you might have to move. I know that sounds harsh, but if you are serious about finding a life partner, you'll have to make sacrifices and it will be worth it in the end. You can start by visiting a couple of countries where you are more likely to be in demand. You can actually gauge your attractiveness by setting yourself up on a dating or social app as a local and see what responses you get. I think you'll be amazed. Just look out for scammers, but they're easily spotted.

Like I said, as an American, PH is your best bet, especially Cebu City.

I am from Eastern Europe myself, but you will struggle with the language barrier here, so I would not recommend it. Some Americans think that they will come here and have their pick of the ladies, but that rarely works and most of the guys end up being scammed.

I'm an old Asia hand, so I know a little bit about Asian culture, including the PH. There are many deep and complicated reasons why you will do well there as opposed to the US, many assume it is about the money, but really it is much more than that. Asian girls in general just value different things than American girls. They will look for things like a good heart, faithfulness, commitment, dependability, lack of tattoos (super important in Asia). In other words, all the things that American and Western girls in general find super-boring and incredibly off-putting. You will find that almost all of the girls over there (excluding bargirls, who you should avoid like the plague) are looking for a serious commitment and a long-term relationship and they really value a man who they think will stand by them and they can depend upon. Many also don’t mind older gentlemen, who might be 10-20 years older than them, that sort of age gap is not uncommon in more traditional cultures. Still you’ll have to be realistic and look for girls where the age gap isn’t too big and who are similar to you in education and socio-economic status.

Also, be prepared for a lot of snide and negative comments, especially from family and friends, in particular, women. Just ignore them and follow common sense. Start chatting to some ladies and then visit them in a few months’ time. Make sure you don’t get bogged down with just one, this really is like apartment or job-hunting in many ways, you need to see a few ladies before you can find the right one, whom you can then invite on further dates.

Many will probably view the advice I’m giving here negatively, but this actually works, trust me, unlike the usual nonsense about going to the gym, dressing better or being more confident. Like that ever worked… I can confidently say, that your lack of success with the ladies has very little to do with you and everything to do with the culture you’re in. Move to a different culture and you’ll quickly find yourself in the reverse situation, having too much choice and not being actually able to decide who you should settle down with in the long term. Just take your time and don’t rush it.

[JKMcKay]

I don't know that I have the time or the resources to go wandering around some foreign country for long periods of time....

Yes, I am just not sure. Thanks though for the input.

[NoOne]

Originally Posted by JKMcKay

I don't know that I have the time or the resources to go wandering around some foreign country for long periods of time....

Yes, I am just not sure. Thanks though for the input.

You're welcome. You have to decide what's important to you.

Going far afield to find love is not a new thing and is often necessary to improve your chances. In the US for instance a lot of single East Coast women find love on the West Coast, where there are more eligible men with good careers, particularly in Silicon Valley. Singaporean men often escape the high expectations of local gals and find love in nearby countries where women have much lower material expectations.

[JKMcKay]

Originally Posted by NoOne

You're welcome. You have to decide what's important to you.

Going far afield to find love is not a new thing and is often necessary to improve your chances. In the US for instance a lot of single East Coast women find love on the West Coast, where there are more eligible men with good careers, particularly in Silicon Valley. Singaporean men often escape the high expectations of local gals and find love in nearby countries where women have much lower material expectations.

Well, yes...I am truly in a terrible area for this.