I've completely changed myself in two and a half weeks.

I need to write this because I don't feel like I can tell it to anyone yet and I need to feel as though I have told someone.

I don't know who I am anymore, but I think I like myself for the first time.

I'd been looking to change my life for a while, I quit smoking a year and a half a go, kept starting and stopping. Started jogging, ate more healthily and cut down on booze. All these things helped me but they didn't change the way I thought. I was always down on myself, felt bad with women, had a submissive, character, was scared of the past, unconfident, scared of change and couldn't look people in the eye. But I did also have another personality who was confident, happy, fun and loving, who I liked but never thought I could be for very long.

Then two and a half weeks ago I watched a program and it totally changed my entire personality and I like it but I'm scared by it. I joined the gym that week on the Monday and then on Thursday 10th Nov went again, came home feeling great and then watched an episode of Derren Brown. I know now that I watched it in a very suggestible state which is something he always talks about as being important, and I'd actually put off watching it for a few weeks because I'd put a bit of hope in the fact that it might change me. But I never thought it could change me in the way it did.

It was called 'Hero at 30000 feet' and it taught you to embrace the past, make the right choices in life and be kinder. The show featured a man who was down in life and had very little ambition and confidence. Derren took the man outside when he was asleep in a semi concious state and then told him the above and explained how the chance of you existing is a miracle.

Without realising it I had a different mindset the next day, at first it just made me stand taller and speak more confidently. I also thought about my choices and tried to do the right thing. All this enabled me to feel stronger and work out how to deal with situations better. The best example of this was at work I was starting to feel like I was getting bullied or more that a couple of people were spreading unpleasant rumours about me at work. I had felt like it was a situation which would continue and escalate into a position where I would have either had to quit my job or just accept it. I was very weak with many insecurities and was intimidated by these two people but had no way of standing up for myself.

That weekend I was on a carpentry course and my mind suddenly worked out how I could stand up to them and what I would say. I would just take them to one side and tell them that they were wrong about me it, that a person could change and that if they didn't stop it then there would be consequences. I was ready to go outside and fight these guys suddenly out of nowhere. Exactly the situation that I was always scared of I was was now ready to embrace and it changed me.

On the Monday I felt strong and started acting that way for the first time in my life. I started working in a more organised fashion and was ready for the upcoming confrontation. It never came because day after day I felt better about my past and cared less about what they had said or even anyone ever had. My head was really clear for the first time in my life and I began dealing with all everyday situations better.

Suddenly I could maintain eye contact with people . If someone at work had a go at me at work then I would either stand up for myself or give a frank apology if I felt I was to blame. It made me feel better about myself and I started thinking about life in a whole new way, every time I did this it reaffirmed this change about my life and the way I thought or dealt with situations.

I felt so different. I moved calmly, felt relaxed around everyone and all of this was changing the way my brain thought and changing my psychology.

I was confident around women and suddenly had them flirting with me all the time when I was on the tube or walking around. Four days ago at work a woman who was playing in the band came to the bar and was outrageously flirty with me which is something I've never experienced in my life. Or at least I wasn't comfortable with but I am more and more.

I arranged to meet a friend three days ago on a Thursday to tell her how much I had changed. She took it really well but I see now that I had scared her a bit. I then went home and called my friend who I was seeing on the Saturday night and scared him as well.

The next day on the Friday I was so happy as I'd told someone that I felt like I wanted to tell everyone but I was at work and didn't feel close enough to be able to tell them . I then went over a thought that I'd had all week, that once I'd told someone about what I was going through I might want to quit my job.

Straight away I just asked whether or not it was the right choice and I new that it was but again that decision changed the way I thought. I felt sick and vomited because of the way I was thinking. I put off telling my manager at work who is a friend who got me the job for a couple of hours because I was scared of what I was doing. Then I just asked myself whether telling her was the right choice or not and I new it was so I did it straight away.

It was scary but empowering, I went and found her straight away and told her how I had to leave and would explain it to her but couldn't in five minutes at work. There were so many emotions in my eyes and she could see them.

The rest of the day I felt bizarre, people had been making jokes all week that I'd seen the light or been touched by god but I just knew myself in a very short space of time.

I left that day with some time to think about what had happened and that I had only one week left. I felt a bit ill all that night and have done since, but in a good way. It's a scary yet positive change.

I was very strange the whole day with everyone because of what I was thinking but when I got home I became more positive because I felt I could tell my friend the next day at a gig. On the saturday which was yesterday, I tried telling a few friends this but they couldn't understand it and they were scared by it.

I now realise that I'm a completely different person but I have no idea of who I actually am and it scares me.

I woke up this morning and I realised that I couldn't really tell anyone what I was thinking which is what I needed to do. The thought of going back to work which I hadn't minded at all until the last few weeks was horrible because I would be thinking all these things that I couldn't tell anyone. I would be happy to tell anyone but I don't think many people can understand what I am going through.

This morning I woke up and thought about everything. I looked up spirituality meetings on the internet and about the thought of going back to work and it scared me because I knew I couldn't spend a whole week working there, my head was in a completely different place. I texted my manager and said that I was sorry but couldn't come back the next day. I got up straight away and went to a spirituality meeting that was going on in London.

Doing all these things is really foreign to me, I don't know who I am now but I feel uninhibited by the past and free in a way that is maybe impossible to understand unless you've gone through what I have.

I feel very at love with life for the first time ever and in touch with my soul. Nothing scares me now where everything used to and I actually feel like I have an aura around me.

I didn't say anything at the meeting tonight, I don't think I was ready and the meeting was on the wrong topic and so felt like the wrong environment.

I'm going to another meeting on Tuesday about understanding attraction and I've gone from someone who understands nothing about sex to understanding every part of it. I feel now that I have to find someone who understands what I've gone through and that's why I've started going to these meetings.
And knowing the new me I'll be more ready to bear my soul.

That's what I've done here, I've completely bared my soul and I now feel like I can tell anyone about my past but that not many people can understand that.

It's also that I've always been a person who has had no control over my emotions. Suddenly I've embraced them all and can use them to make me stronger, the same as with the past or anything that happens now, it all makes me stronger.

I'm scared of who I am now because I don't know this person, but I know that I like him.

As I said though I've tried to tell this to friends but they can't understand it and I don't think many people can but I have to learn who I am now.

I don't know who I am anymore, but I think I like myself for the first time.