Quintessential neuro-typical relationship questions..

[Black Sheep]

So I have a person whom I might classify as friend. She's quite nice, very talkative, highly social, and quite unlike myself. I find that as our relationship progresses, I find our interactions highly confusing.

I was initially worried about her intentions, as I have a history of difficult relationships with women, but she divulged her prerogative recently(political reasons/mutual benefit type thing) which I found reassuring, at least in the sense of my unfounded perception.

Nonetheless, I find conversation to be cumbersome, I'll say three words, and she'll run on about all these beliefs, worries about what other people will think of her, how she does/will look. Like the last time, she wanted to coordinate an outfit for an event we will be going to, she asked me about what I thought about what other people would be wearing, yada, yada. Often she'll try to "comfort" me or pad her words, when no harm was done, she'll say "comforting" words for so long, explaining herself non-stop; I get worn out, and don't bother correcting her in saying my feelings were never hurt nor was I ever bothered, nor thought "bad" of her. I have told her that I am hard to offend, not to worry about me, and am different, but she seems to do a lot of worrying of how she is perceived.

I've asked other friends about how to handle a conversation as such, but got I dunnos. I like to do "deep listening," but find it challenging with how jumpy the conversation is, stream of consciousness-like it can get, not sure what to do, other than say the occasional yes, or right.

So as a "typical" female as they tend to call themselves or so I've been told. It seems so emotional, less information acquisition, I'm assuming there is something there I just don't get. What would you say is the prerogative of conversation?
Do tell.

[sarek]

I'd love to know how to relate to a neurotypical person myself. Its like a whole different world. The "noble" art of smalltalk is totally beyond me.

It seems to me that there is a whole lot of programming going on, less tendency to develop an individual self. Less curiosity about the world even.

If it's difficult to get answers here or elsewhere it could be that they know too little about you to comprehend how you should progress, what this relationship really means to you. If you find her tiring and overbearing you may need more space between meetings.

Just from your subjective viewpoint, how do other people find her? She sounds somewhat self-centred which is not a bad thing in itself but it appears she is not allowing you to contribute much of yourself to the friendship. I may be wrong. It could be you not engaging with her.

Generally (at least in the mundane world) women tend to be closer to their emotions, expressive with them - that is a generalisation, though, an observation on my part. If you find this difficult perhaps you should withdraw to a more distant vantage. How you'd tactically deal with that is something you'd have to think about yourself.

♫

[Black Sheep]

@Sarek, Yes, it seems like another world to me as well, with regards to the spectrum of NT-males and females. With the programming as you call it as well, the crowd mentality, the strict adherence to belief subsets that may squelch free expression. I'm not sure why following a group is so important. Although my MIL, says it's "dangerous" to be different, and this one friend is similar in her rhetoric. Do you think it has to do with a survival instinct?

Small talk is certainly an artform! There can be an effective use of a methodical approach to it, but the nuances really change it from a paint-by-numbers conversation to a work of art. :P

@Lorelyen, I wasn't thinking of addressing the question in a way of knowing about myself(need of additional information type thing). More of what a person knows about themselves in those situations. From those around me, they get rather irritated at how I ask them about their thoughts/perspectives, but this is how I learn about social context/behavior aside from my own experiments.

This particular situation is a typical problem for me, and the only NT-type women I know(family or otherwise) don't like me. :) Or more aptly, said I'm different and that's bad. :P So don't think that's a viable avenue.:)

Just from your subjective viewpoint, how do other people find her? She sounds somewhat self-centred which is not a bad thing in itself but it appears she is not allowing you to contribute much of yourself to the friendship. I may be wrong. It could be you not engaging with her.

I would say your assessment is correct.

Others? I suppose in general that she's conflicted, with that balance of give-take; and sometimes "mean." She can be quite sarcastic, and is a recent transplant from a region that is a little harder-edged than the local culture. It can be off putting to others.

I do see the tendency for self-centeredness as well. I don't mind it, the level that it is at, but I don't want to "feed the beast" so to speak where it turns to just one-way valve. I find that a tricky balance. I wouldn't say she's not allowing so much, more of my engaging is different, and causing an interference.

Lorelyen and Sarek, thank you for your replies!

[Black Sheep]

Well, went to the event with her, turns out she's rather violent with her own kids. If they stick out their tongue whilist playing, it's immediate spanking on the face. Non-stop screaming at her 3yo. for giggling, only silence was acceptable. We were at an awards ceremony for the kids, several hours long. Drawing was too loud even. And the whole what other people think or how she'll look to others rhetoric, kids being "bad" for making her look bad.

I felt so bad for the little boy, I tried to play games with him that wouldn't make him laugh, even giggle, or a sound; to keep him from getting yelled or spanked. But everything seemed to instigate such anger. But now that I think about it, I've never seen her play with her kids, it's always "sit down and be quiet."

I'm really not into, nor understand the whole obsession Nt's have with being popular/part of the crowd. Seems to squelch alot of creativity and happiness. Not my cup of tea.

Originally Posted by Black Sheep

So I have a person whom I might classify as friend. She's quite nice, very talkative, highly social, and quite unlike myself. I find that as our relationship progresses, I find our interactions highly confusing.

I was initially worried about her intentions, as I have a history of difficult relationships with women, but she divulged her prerogative recently(political reasons/mutual benefit type thing) which I found reassuring, at least in the sense of my unfounded perception.

Nonetheless, I find conversation to be cumbersome, I'll say three words, and she'll run on about all these beliefs, worries about what other people will think of her, how she does/will look. Like the last time, she wanted to coordinate an outfit for an event we will be going to, she asked me about what I thought about what other people would be wearing, yada, yada. Often she'll try to "comfort" me or pad her words, when no harm was done, she'll say "comforting" words for so long, explaining herself non-stop; I get worn out, and don't bother correcting her in saying my feelings were never hurt nor was I ever bothered, nor thought "bad" of her. I have told her that I am hard to offend, not to worry about me, and am different, but she seems to do a lot of worrying of how she is perceived.

I've asked other friends about how to handle a conversation as such, but got I dunnos. I like to do "deep listening," but find it challenging with how jumpy the conversation is, stream of consciousness-like it can get, not sure what to do, other than say the occasional yes, or right.

So as a "typical" female as they tend to call themselves or so I've been told. It seems so emotional, less information acquisition, I'm assuming there is something there I just don't get. What would you say is the prerogative of conversation?
Do tell.

Well she sounds like she's got some anxiety for whatever reason, maybe she's just really into you but has no idea how to connect with you? From what you said it sounds like your not the gab your ear off type so she could possibly feel intimidated by the silence. Give her a little while to learn your body language and it wouldn't hurt to try opening up a little. If it's still painful to sit through pass it off, there's no reason to waste each others time :/

Hokayyyyy nvm read that last post.

[Black Sheep]

@Rosesandcoffee, hey, thank you anyway! Certainly solid advice to keep in mind. :)

But yeah....I'm not going to peruse any kind of friendship. Really had a bit of a disturbance or disturbed feeling from what happened, and certainly shifted my perspective of her.

I imagine though she probably would come away with a similar feeling, from my own perspective, we would be complete polar opposites. I'm not sure how to process this, but yeah, going to get lots of distance, maybe time for me to self-reflect deeper.